Why do I think a walk is actually pretty perfect for a first date. It's casual enough while focusing on getting to know ecahother and feeling the vibe. It has you two really focused on the trajectory of this potential relationship all while still being comfortable cuz... it's a walk and walks are nice loll
If you ask a girl to go on a walk she will immediately dismiss you because what sane woman goes for a walk with a dude she doesn't know. Like I get it but also bummer.
Yes! Also for later dates. I prefer walking so much more than a nice dinner. My boyfriend and I did so many date walks in the beginning (and still do). We are together for 9 years now. I really can’t see how walking on a date is a red flag 😅
@@ElkeTS You can when women are told every creepy dude is just waiting for the opportunity to commit a henious sexual crime. Every time I've offered a walk or a hike I get treated like I'm dahlmer incarnate.
@@Youaretheactionsofgod That is a sad situation. But keep in mind that a lot of women have had bad or traumatising experiences (myself included). So it’s also understandable that women are so careful. In the beginning me and my boyfriend also walked in the city so always lot’s of people around. So never felt unsafe to me. Or we often went for a drink or a coffee first and then walked around after. So maybe it can help to first go grab a drink? Some people also just don’t like walking of course.
@@ElkeTS I think you see my point though, it all comes back to me spending money so I can spend time with a woman. Versus a woman just wanting to spend time with me. It's sad in relativity, at least I get to have a roof a comfy bed and any food I want. At the end of the day you can't ask anyone else to love your or expect that it'll happen. But when there is a cost burden associated eith even approaching women it just taxes the soul as well as the wallet. I feel bad for women but as a man who has also experienced sexual assault yall act like men dont walk around afraid.
The sparks ARE a scam. Whenever I see a dating show and they say "We got on great, had so much fun, laughed, have loads in common, have the same views and goals...but there wasn't that SPARK" I think, you're an idiot. My mum gave me the best piece of advice: "It takes years to get to know someone ".
Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a “standing in,” not a “falling for.” In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving. ~Erich Fromm~
@@missstranger7697 I would agree, but here's the problem : of all things, 'love' seems to be one of the most elusive, and among those things which are not guaranteed to occur if you just work at it or look for it harder. At least, that's my view as a man. It may be different for women.
Yeah I blame social media. I met my husband in the 90s and if I had social media I might have lost out to the love of my life. We went to Washington Square Park in NYC for our 1st date and met up with some of his friends and we had a good time. I had so much fun that the next day we went to the movies. Now we have been married for 22 years
Yes, social media ruined potentials of finding PROPER romantic partners. Because most people, just change partners, having lust for each other instead of love.
“Love” can also exist in community and friendship. Many people are convinced they need a romantic partner, when they really need emotional connection and support that can come from any type of relationship.
It’s called amatonormativity, as in romantic love is all there is. The love between friends, family is discounted and ignored. There are several UA-camrs that talk about this.
Ive learned that no dating strategy is fool proof I’ve had men take me on low effort dates like ice cream or going out for a drink.. and their intention was to see how little they could get away with I’ve had men do dinner and be super generous .. and still turn out to be narcissistic or liars I know millionaires that have done coffee dates not because of being cheap but because their time was limited, not because they had cheap intentions I know married people who’s dates were coffee, ice cream or walks in the park and they’ve happily been together for years My current man and I went for a drink on our first date and have been together for a year + heading towards engagement You’re always going to have to experiment and see what works for you!
In all the examples you gave, low effort resulted in a poor outcome. Regardless of the reason, the man didn’t put forth an effort and likely didn’t see it working out from the jump. Either you weren’t his physical type OR he knew you wouldn’t be long term. Just bc he shows up doesn’t mean he hasn’t categorized you yet. Men will entertain everyone but prioritize very few women
I've said this before in a similar discussion. Sometimes a simple date is just to feel you out. My guy and I both make 6 figures and our first date was in a park, talking. You get to know someone when you talk and get to see and hear what they're saying to you. Big gestures are distracting for a first date.
This. I hate to see how girls advice to dismiss guys who are not generous enough on first dates, "because they deserve it"... Yeah, if you are looking for a charade instead of a real connection...
I feel like transparency, mutual personal growth and consistency is the recipe to success. The challenge is finding someone you want to do it with and someone who wants to do it with you. I believe everyone has someone and you just gotta do you till you find them
I love the idea that love is a choice. As humans we naturally lean selfish and will seek out to soothe ourselves first but - love is choosing that person over your own feelings, choosing to be good to them even when you wanna nag.. because the pros weigh so much more heavily
Idk why but a long walk with a coffee or ice cream or something is actually my dream date 😭 there’s a castle with a huge garden and lake about an hour walk from where I live and anytime I go there I see couples walking around the gardens, sitting under trees near the lake, just talking. I love that idea so much
Movies and books definitely warped our understanding of what love truly is. For the men it perpetuated grape culture, coercion and manipulation tactics, entitlement and a wrong understanding of women and how to treat us. Like i think incels definitely get most of their talking points from movies like the nice guy finishing last, women only picking toxic dudes, women only dating tall guys etc. And for women it romantized toxic relationships, encouraged pity love, perpetuated a certain kind of woman getting love(i know that definitely affected me growing up) and the fact that the women in most movies barely get good options. It was either the arrogant douchebag, the toxic guy with daddy issues, the hobosexual man child or the Niceguy™️ The ick thing i guess it's just women trying to guard themselves. At the end of the day if we end up in a toxic relationship society is still going to point the finger at us for choosing the person. Funny how men aren't blamed for picking the wrong girl they would be supported by their fellow man and bash the ex of the man
My boyfriend and I have been going on walks (as dates) since we started dating and I think it's the perfect plan. You get to know the other person through conversation and, immportantly I feel like it makes you not "expect" something from the other person, it helps to find out if you like them for who they are and not the date, if that makes sense. There's so much more pressure on each person in the "wine and dine" plan. Sometimes, less is really more.
I met my husband through a good mutual friend. I was 23 he was 24. We hit it off straight away and had amazing chemistry. He proposed a year later and married 10 months later now we’re 2 years married. He was my first boyfriend my first kiss my first everything. It definitely wasn’t perfect and we are both humans and make mistakes.. ( edit just to clarify never any unfaithful mistakes or anything of that nature, I just meant silly arguments) but we have amazing communication and understanding of each other. I look back on all of it and it feels like a romcom haha! So that kind of love is out there
I met my husband at the bar he tended. This was after two failed relationships and I was being selfish and taking time for my career. I got lucky. But I appreciate the failure of the previous relationships. They taught me what I needed. And what I wanted a partnership to actually look like.
Yes this is where I'm at... learned from my last relationship... now I have a clear understanding of what I want and hopefully can find someone close to that
Of course "love" is dramatic and romantic at the movies. We don't want to watch everyday stuff on a screen, so the authors have to think up something to spice up the plot. The problem is not how media depicts "love", it's that as viewers we tend to forget that these are just stories and that reality is not the same.
I think it's definitely both and it doesn't have to be either or. What the media pushes out is important because a lot of people end up consuming said media which can directly reflect their expectations within life. It would be nice if there were more movies that focused on love from a romantic but realist approach. If there can be movies that aren't super dramatic or have a really big plot line, why can't romantic ones exist? I also think Everything Everywhere All at Once is a really nice example of this-the way they touch on the different types of love, and although it was a lot going on within the movie, the way they approached the top of romantic love wasn't super extreme and over the top or heavily idealistic. It was more so existential and beautiful imo
When I went on my first “date” with my partner, it was just us getting to know each other, no expectation, we split the bill, and honestly I couldn’t tell much about him as he was so nervous that they barely spoke - and to be honest we didn’t really vibe! but we wanted to get to know each other, and across half a year of walks, talks, enjoying quality time, we fell in love. It’s been 5 years, we are both such different people from who we were, and yeah, we still split the bill cause I like it that way!!! And i’m still so in love and happy that I didn’t just base my actions off of a first impression. We built trust, we have built healthy communication, I still learn so much about him and it’s just…cool!!!!!! Feels sweet and NICE! And it took work, it was choices we made, energy we put in, and actions we took!!
Ive been in a long term relationship for almost 7 years since i was 16. It is a beautiful thing to navigate the perils of early adulthood with someone by your side. I agree with you, love is a peaceful feeling. The sparks don't blind us as much as they used to but I wouldn't trade our little routines and connection for anything else. Love is most definitely a choice. You gotta choose to show up for yourself and your partner everyday.
i'm so lucky to have that person so young, i'm turning 22 this year and have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. my first relationship and hopefully my only. and the whole thing about peace and comfort, this is exactly what my definition of love is!! that's how i knew he is the one. all these years, i feel so safe and comfortable around him, he even made me love myself more and contributed a lot to my growth as a person. to put it simple, i think love feels like home, warm and comforting. butterflies on the other hand, you could even say they are a sign of nervousness in front of that person, and i don't think it's a good sign if you're anxious with your partner. if you do feel that way, it's time to dig a little deeper and ask yourself why. initial butterflies are completely normal, but the more you get to know the person you're dating, they are usually supposed to fade.
You absolutely nailed the individualistic divide between men and women, hardly anyone ever mentions this, its just echo chambers on either side. Love this ❤
Here is my take: find what YOU are looking for. Who cares what everyone else’s preferences are? You are trying to find just ONE person (unless you’re poly; good for you) that fits your lifestyle, your goals, your culture. Stop trying to shape shift yourself to fit a dozen cultural norms out of fear of giving someone an ick. If you have a fault that is truly important for you to change, it will make itself known. Listen to your intuition about people. How do you do that? Cultivate a relationship with yourself first. Your body will know when you meet people that fit into your life. Love is not supposed to be effortful in the beginning. And honestly, I’ve learned more about what I want by trial and error than I ever did by hypothesizing. Meet new people, try new hobbies, get out in the world and love will find you. Also these colors look amazing on you!
I’ve been trying to deconstruct this in my mind for a few years. It’s like society has created a Platonic form for what a relationship is supposed to be but that’s not how the world works. A relationship is a dynamic, and dynamics are fluid and depend on those within them. It’s not something we can force, but it is something we have to choose.
Oddly enough Gossip Girl was the show I took something with me. There was a scene with Blair and her mother before Blair got married. Her mother said how stressed and worried she was before her first wedding. But when she married her second husband she felt calm, like everything was falling in it's place. She was essentially saying to Blair that she's marrying the wrong man. So all the thrill and games may be fun, but that's not what you base longevity on. I know sounds weird given who Blair ended up with but that's where compatability comes in lol
In my experience this “spark” does exist, and it can last, but it doesn’t mean that it’s going to be enough for you to have this perfect dreamlike relationship, you can have a spark with someone, yes, but there is a lot more than that to a relationship to work and be healthy
exactly I know the spark exists cause I experienced it I can't be with someone I have no sparks with but also I know that sparks are not enough sometimes that person is just not right for you. I guess "sparks" are what some people call chemistry? or like sexual attractiveness? some people are asexual so they may not experience this
My husband and I are on the "stars aligned" lucky b*tches team, and even there the spark is not here everyday. But peace is. The love of your life is not a rollercoaster addictive kind of thing, the love of your life is the person who doesn't make you doubt wether or not they're in it with you. I feel like people romanticize struggle too much. Lasting love is about safety, comfort and sharing. And that's ok !
As an autistic person, all this kind stuff goes over my head. I've never understood the idea that everyone has to have the same experience and things have to be done according to these weird imaginary rules that everyone pretends are real.
Thank you so much for this video as a sa survivor and a person who's life has been filled with toxic relationships (family friendships and romantic interests) its been a painful and confusing journey. Thank you this helped me heal a little. It made me realize how much work i need to do.
In my case the sparks are limerence and a trauma symptom, fixating on a person I don't really know and WHO is unavailable. Took me Years to realise it's not how a regular crush works
@@ljubovv5610 I guess from what I learned from therapy. It’s when you like someone, they’re available, take reasonable action to see if you can become an item, but understand that if they don’t like you back…you’ll be okay.
this was so refreshing to hear. It’s borderline exasperating and exhausting how love is portrayed on social media with the “icks”. I love you’re take on this very much!
Omg! I loved your commentary so much, my algorithm is working well. I've found friends telling to expect more from a first date than a coffee, and Im like "I don't even know if I like the guy yet, Im not expecting more than a good time and respect". Its so sad that some people are looking for a good free meal rather than a great potential partner.
"Its so sad that some people are looking for a good free meal rather than a great potential partner." why are you judging other people for expecting more? we're not looking for a free meal we're looking for effort stop using talking points of red pill guys
Realising that the real world is ugly and dating sucks is hard however I'd rather stay delusional than enter relationships that are below what I expect. I am dating for marriage AND I'm naturally quite shy and introverted and dating apps are JUST NOT IT okay. Everyone there wants sex, and maybe if there are like 2% of men that would like to have serious relationships, it takes talking to 25 trashy men before than and I honestly just don't have the capacity to do this. Also, I have some standards regarding his personality and lifestyle that I would want (that our faith and values align, for instance) and it's extremely difficult to find. Also if I have a family one day I'd like to stay home with children at least for some time, so he needs to be able to provide, which a lot of men don't want to/can't do today. So keeping that in mind, I'd rather stay single than ruin my already not-so-good mental health trying to find someone on dating apps
I agree with some parts.. and thats the thing its different for every person. I have experienced magical moments and synchronicities without trying for love or looking for it actively. I found out for me its when Im not in a desperate need of THE relationship or any aspect that I feel abundant and thankful and stuff flow into life effortlessly. So yeah I dont agree with your viewpoint at some times but I do agree that it takes time to get to know somebody and heck we do make mistakes and sometimes we cant control ourselves but at the same time I know what I want and I can change and want something new. Getting to know myself through those experiences and more is making me accept myself on different levels. Change as well... Also tbh I am a woman mainly attracted to women but also a bit on the ace specter. Hence I view love not as what gender they are but ofc I want to find them attractive to me in my own way. Personality and visual as well but mostly its the person they are that matters.
Yea the whole “you gotta look for love” thing threw me for a loop, I know plenty of people where love appeared when they least expected it. I think she’s projecting a little
THANK YOU for this video! It is so needed in this culture where so many people are left feeling disappointed and like true love is some kind of "scam", when it actually exists, just not like movies and books portray it nowadays.
Walk sounds amazing if the weather is nice not gonna lie! I’m so tired of the restaurant and all that stuff… walk is amazing, to sit somewhere nicely and talk life.
Very interesting that you are saying "delulu" because I usuallly feel people think am delulu, for having so much expectations, but is funny also because you said that if you want to find love you sometimes have to go for it, and I have always understand that because I do not go out at all, and I told my parents to let me go alone, because they are so overprotective, I cannot go alone anywhere and I understand for my security, but I know very well that the love of my life is not just going to appear at my front door. Same with making friend, people tell usually to relax and just go with the flow and not go around thinking I have to make the efford. So interesting, I get into the video thinking I was going to be judge for this xD but was the opposite.
I think part of the problem is that we define dating as torturous and humiliating. Perhaps individual ego work needs to be required before someone is ready for dating. Yes we'll be revealed to be human and imperfect through the process, but we'll also be having fun and learning cool things! We just need a healthier perspective on dating and what it's for. Dating is not an ego boost 100% of the time unfortunately lol, such is life
Great video!❤ To me love is not stressing yourself out if you’re single or your partner if you are in a relationship. For that to happen we have to be grateful for what we already have. I also feel loved when I don’t have to beg to be a priority, as I always prioritize myself and those I love.
True and healthy relationships are hard to find now. Most people are used to fast and meaningless relationships. No effort and no perseverance, they only pay attention to if they're feeling happy or not. Like if all has to be given but we don't revise what WE give. We expect so much for things we cannot even give, so I agree with what you say about this, because relationships are not just a little feeling, they are the result of choosing your partner every single day, like that friend who is with you and you are for them even in the bad times or when you don't get each other 100%. Is maturing and realizing that it's not all like the movies we see
I dont think so. I use Tinder for long and I take dates very casual. Honestly u even dont know who you are talking to. We have a lot of scam here using Tinder in Vietnam
I personally think the reason why, me include it, we seek the spark, is because we have very simple life now, lets be honest for a sec, out parents or someone much older can tell you that in their times, they party, they did d/rugs, they sneaks out, especially I remember by dad telling me when I was younger to never accept any food for someone at school or never skip class to go out with a classmate. So that just speak for itself that most of our parents had a rebel era, they had that experience so even tho I don't necessary I am looking for doing those things because of fear of disappointing our parents, friends or even get fire for our jobs but still want so kind of fire in my life, so I think many others can relate to this, many of us feel that we are missing out or wasting our youth but at the same time we are so scare to make mistake so I hope this gave an insight.
I’m going to spill some dirt on why infatuation and the “sparks” has that much of relevance to our experience. We have to consider that kids are actually dating quite early nowadays. While having dates in the preteen age can mean nothing and can be quite innocent, most preteens springboard into their teen years searching for the “love” with a skewed value system of “being hot” and fighting the other suitor. Like, this is before they can earn a living wage or even be confident in their personality. This is kinda why some of the teenagers we knew kinda turned into Maury show interviewees. The ONLY highschool sweethearts I know that have stayed together were quite emotionally mature and stable in personality. They were also bookworms. Bookworms- you guys still have a chance.
Me and my bf met at a party. There was a spark there and decided to give him my phone number. We started talking right away and our first date lasted only 20 minutes cause I was at work and he was busy too.... We went to a park nearby and just talked. It was wonderful! We didn't even go to a restaurant till our 1 years anniversary :))))) We LOVED to walk around the town and discover new places in our town. We always had small gestures, like he brough me flowers, boba tea etc :))) It was very cute and nice but our chemistry was the most important thing that kept us wanting to be together rather than the gifts we give each other occasionally
Love the title ❤. Romance needs a lot of illogical thinking. Its not something you get by statistics, reasoning or even based on own past experiences. Suspend all logic and negative experiences and dream about an ideal romance for you. Live in it. It will birth through you. Mind will present all sorts of obstacles like social media, men are weak, women are vain, chivalry is dead, everyone wants to rush, world is full of situationships bla bla bla. It is all mere logic which you can suspend. If you see the world through these obstacles, romance will seem like a thing that belongs in 18th century England. If you reject movies like Love at first sight and shows like Emily in Paris, saying they are delusional and too good to be true, that says where the mind is currently focused on seeing. Confirmation bias will make sure you only see lack of romance in life if you think romance is only for tv. One cannot even see it even if romance comes and lands right on the lap. If you have missed it, its ok. Have faith.Dream again. Look for others who get romance in their lives to make sure it is possible for you. A man is what he thinketh.
Do what makes you happy. If you want a walk and coffee or ice cream, do it. If you want an expensive meal, then go for it. There is something for everyone. As long as you are not being rude/hurting anyone, then do you. As someone with no interest in dating/marriage, I find these conversations around love and dating interesting. I am also glad I do not want to partake because it sounds draining.
I honestly think that the spark is scam. I feel like feeling the aura of that person and how you feel around is more important than that. Like how comfortable are you around the person and the peace you feel from interact with them and perceive them. the spark might come later when love is built over time. But peace and comfort matter more and the energy and the vibe of that person.
bell hooks dedicated her life to speaking and writing about love and I recommend everybody read it as it gives a very unique perspective. Changed my life fr
@@buddenbrooks"all about love" is the flagship and a must read (and re-read), and I also felt a special connection to "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love". Although I am not a man lmaoo it gave me a really good perspective in the way patriarchy is socialized, so pairing that with "all about love", my entire framework for love changed. From there I was able to start reading other books about love, aside from bell hooks', many of which she directly quotes and references in "all about love" which are like tiny, little bonus gifts. She also has many other general books on human relations that are top shelf.
I agree with mostly everything in the video and love all the points. One thing to note though is about expectations of men to women and women to men. I think it is absolutely alright to be a careerist and still have the nurturing, housewife lifestyle. It doesn't mean I am a slave or just a caterer to my husband and family. For me it means caring about our futurehouse, kids, foods, cleanliness, etc. And i expect my future husband to help me in the chores and fun, not just provide. It doesn't mean he will be taking away my dreams and aspirations, when he says I expect you to clean, cook and nurture. I will expect the same from him. Anyway, this topic is very individual for every family. Not married or engaged yet anyway, but have a very loving, caring boyfriend by my side. I hope we can build a future together where we deliver for each other, nurture and care.
I hear you & agree with everything you said in this video, but bro I CAN NOT get back on apps again 😩 There’s got to be a better way. I’ve met too many guys on there who ended up being actual predators. It’s just too scary to risk it nowadays…
I resent the Before Sunrise in the thumbnail with those crappy romances, Jesse and Celine have a complex relationship that I think is *all about* dispelling myths about how love works. But I'm glad I clicked anyway, was a great video. I just don't see how such thoughtful movies could in any universe be likened to freaking Friends lol.
This is a well balanced content I paid my internet for. I’m very passive when it comes to love and for the first time in my 30 years old life I downloaded dating app. I still struggle with swipe right and start the conversation. I grew up pretty normal household so I don’t know why I have a hard time wrapping my head around being in relationships 😂
I am a hopeless romantic at heart, yet I still believe in true love. Also in the elements of love that we find in books and movies, even though that is just a small part of love. I am 22 years old and I have never been with anyone who I haven't fallen deeply in love with. Both of my 2 serious relationships came to me without really searching for anything, it was just a click of kindred souls, and, boy, were the highs so beautiful, so passionate and intense, yet in the sweetest, most loving way. However, they didn't work out and we had to go our separate ways, but I am so grateful for those experiences, and I still believe that some day I will meet somebody with whom I will not only fall in love, but who is also very compatible with my personality, values and lifestyle. In my opinion, you don't need to actively search for a partner, rather expose yourself to events, situations, places that align with your heart, your values, your interests etc., and if you believe it, eventually you will meet the right person. Also, I am not sure if relationships are supposed to last forever - that's just the cultural aspect of marriage. Maybe it is the right person for this period of your life with whom to share love, but later you were meant to go your separate ways... :)
Oh my god this was so scary to read, cause I have experienced the exact same thing and come to the exact same conclusions! It was like reading my own thoughts! Nice to see that I am not alone in my way of thinking about love. I rarely meet people with these opinions, especially at my age...
Love randemly fell into my life... I have never been on 'date' with someone I just met or linked with online or anything. I went along to a new community choir that had started, and the choir director really caught my eye. After a few months it developed into a definite mutual attraction.
Totally agree with this. Being a rom com fan I dreamt of the perfect guy Waited for love to come but it never did. Started socializing with people, found a nice guy, told myself that billionaire fantasy is unreal and it is really rare to find someone who understands you and is nice . Even then we HUSTLED for a year to understand each other and build a relationship. 7 years in the sparks come and go but peace and consistency is always there ❤
I went for a walk with my now fiance on the first date. It qas great, we took my dog on the walk because she is my number #1 ❤ Dates after that were more fun days out and not super expensive. The love grew from the fun times we had together!
So, regarding the "sparks" - I sometimes feel like people are saying that the best way to go about it is to _not_ look for sparks. If you feel sparks, you're probably going to have a toxic relationship. So if you feel sparks for someone, run away from them, cuz they won't be good for you. Date people for whom you don't feel sparks. What is your take on that? (But I feel like maybe what they mean by "sparks" is different from what I think of as "sparks"? I literally always thought "sparks" were the feeling of excitement at being around a person and craving their company. But I think other people mean something else when they say "sparks".)
Feeling butterflies when you first start liking someone is totally normal! But when someone is nice/good/stable they may not illicit the same "fire" as someone who is moody/mysterious/a thrill. Being with the latter may feel like an adrenaline rush, which most of the time isn't a good sign. Your gut knows which is which!
If you have a history of abuse the " butterflies" sparks you feel can kinda be confusing bc it can be anxiety and you may misinterpret it. Basically, baby butterflies are what someone w trauma should look for. Supposedly, at least.
@@bfbmain Trusting the gut feeling is something I agree with. But I also agree that for many people it may not be clear what they are feeling. Many reasons like trauma, neurodivergence, asexuality/aromanticism, rarely experiencing crushes, etc. etc. As an ace person myself, I often find that a lot of commentaries assume I know what they're talking about, when I actually haven't experienced the things they are talking about. So I'm always on the lookout for commentaries where people breakdown basic human emotions like "butterflies" or "sparks" or even "fire" (the last of which I'm not sure I've ever experienced).
@sildarmillion I relate. I also think many women are taught to gaslight themselves or not value their gut feelings. Ig overall is does the person make you feel good more often than not? And ofc if you're insecure and have trouble trusting/ receiving , sometimes you won't feel good when good comes your way
I just need to say that I love this video and I know it isn’t related to the content of the video but I love your outfit I just need to say it it’s so cute 😭
nothing but a lot of men use walking dates so they won't put effort and a lot of women had bad relationships with guys they went walk date with if it works foryou great! But mostly it's a sign of low effort
I chase convenience, not stability. The only stable thing in my life is me and it will forever be me. Men, are mostly inconvenient. They add nothing significant to my life.
fr because actually it took almost a year for me to fully get to know my lover. We’re still young rn so we don’t really have any fancy dates or expensive gifts. The spark happened at first but after a while that fades a way and you genuinely feel just comfortable with them. they’re honestly supposed to be your BEST friend. someone who would be honest, etc. its not about filling and fitting into this “role” that you have to in a relationship, it’s about accepting whoever they are and being open-minded about things that you need to improve. they should help u grow bro
I have a question. I never had a real relationship with anyone. I had many crushes in highschool, which now looking back at it was mostly in my head kind like how it is in the movies. However, i realize now that i never actually love or know the person ha (it was mostly just based off of my insecurity and i felt insecure around my crush as well). However, i was just wondering what distinguishes romantic love from it just being a platonic one? When i date, can there be attraction there as well? I want a healthy relationship one day but i lowkey want there to be butterflies or some form of spark (kind of like in the movies but more realistic).
I think about it like this: If there are crazy sparks and butterflies, it may be the sign of a toxic relationship or past trauma. If there are no sparks at all and zero attraction, then perhaps that is platonic (though you never know, it could grow over time as two people get to know each other and spend more time together). And I think the perfect balance is "baby butterflies" as someone said here in the comments section, where there is some attraction/butterflies, but nothing over the top and everything feels at ease and peaceful. 🩷
All amazing relationships that fulfill and nourish our world are mostly because of women. Women are perfection and can enrich a man’s life beyond measure. However the current state of relationships and the failure of love currently is mostly on women.
excellent video. Love just doesn't happen. You have to pursue it. I had to find my husband and I did on a dating website. I'm the one that initiating contact and we decided that we'd talk a lot on the phone and chat. We were transparent and honest with each other and that helped from the beginning. We've been married for 15 years now. Are the "sparks" still there? Sure, I suppose but like you said, it's more like peace--we're a team and we're best friends and through humor and communication, we make our marriage work. Also, there's going to be ick stuff in any relationship because there's going to be stuff that we're not going to like about the other person. There's stuff I don't like about my husband but oh well--that's ok. They are small annoyances that I just have to live with and that's part of living with another person too because no one is perfect (note, I'm not talking about real red flags here--those are a different category all together). I do think it's sad that so many are missing out on love due to some of the issues you've mentioned in the video. It does come down to taking a risk but it's worth it.
Why do I think a walk is actually pretty perfect for a first date. It's casual enough while focusing on getting to know ecahother and feeling the vibe. It has you two really focused on the trajectory of this potential relationship all while still being comfortable cuz... it's a walk and walks are nice loll
If you ask a girl to go on a walk she will immediately dismiss you because what sane woman goes for a walk with a dude she doesn't know. Like I get it but also bummer.
Yes! Also for later dates. I prefer walking so much more than a nice dinner. My boyfriend and I did so many date walks in the beginning (and still do). We are together for 9 years now. I really can’t see how walking on a date is a red flag 😅
@@ElkeTS You can when women are told every creepy dude is just waiting for the opportunity to commit a henious sexual crime. Every time I've offered a walk or a hike I get treated like I'm dahlmer incarnate.
@@Youaretheactionsofgod That is a sad situation. But keep in mind that a lot of women have had bad or traumatising experiences (myself included). So it’s also understandable that women are so careful. In the beginning me and my boyfriend also walked in the city so always lot’s of people around. So never felt unsafe to me. Or we often went for a drink or a coffee first and then walked around after. So maybe it can help to first go grab a drink? Some people also just don’t like walking of course.
@@ElkeTS I think you see my point though, it all comes back to me spending money so I can spend time with a woman. Versus a woman just wanting to spend time with me. It's sad in relativity, at least I get to have a roof a comfy bed and any food I want. At the end of the day you can't ask anyone else to love your or expect that it'll happen. But when there is a cost burden associated eith even approaching women it just taxes the soul as well as the wallet.
I feel bad for women but as a man who has also experienced sexual assault yall act like men dont walk around afraid.
The sparks ARE a scam. Whenever I see a dating show and they say "We got on great, had so much fun, laughed, have loads in common, have the same views and goals...but there wasn't that SPARK" I think, you're an idiot.
My mum gave me the best piece of advice: "It takes years to get to know someone ".
Looked 15 years for the spark and learnt that it's trauma response. LOL Fuck the spark, give me committed and steady instead!
I feel like some people use "spark" as a shorthand for base level attraction. But yeah, the intense spark is usually just an attraction to toxicity. 😅
@no.6377 I also feel like for most people attraction can grow if everything else is banging.
Yeah neither me or my bf had a spark but we've been together 6 years now
@@esikazemeseSame lol it was literally inner shock from trauma lol
“Love is not a passive thing.” 🙏
Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a “standing in,” not a “falling for.” In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving. ~Erich Fromm~
Indeed, few things in this world are of a passive nature.
"You have to seek out for it". Social media, definitely messed up the meanings of love and lust.
@@missstranger7697 I would agree, but here's the problem : of all things, 'love' seems to be one of the most elusive, and among those things which are not guaranteed to occur if you just work at it or look for it harder. At least, that's my view as a man. It may be different for women.
Yeah I blame social media. I met my husband in the 90s and if I had social media I might have lost out to the love of my life. We went to Washington Square Park in NYC for our 1st date and met up with some of his friends and we had a good time. I had so much fun that the next day we went to the movies. Now we have been married for 22 years
Goals fr! 🩷❤️
In the 90s. Not 2023 😂 This isn’t Love Jones
Yes, social media ruined potentials of finding PROPER romantic partners. Because most people, just change partners, having lust for each other instead of love.
Well that’s the 90s hun..😂
@@ninagrace-lee8323RIGHT LOL
“Love” can also exist in community and friendship. Many people are convinced they need a romantic partner, when they really need emotional connection and support that can come from any type of relationship.
FACTS!!! This is very true!!💯👏👍
Yes👏Yes👏Yes👏Yes👏
YES
It’s called amatonormativity, as in romantic love is all there is. The love between friends, family is discounted and ignored. There are several UA-camrs that talk about this.
If you believe that friendship and community can compensate for romantic love, you are the MAIN CAUSE OF THE PROBLEM.
Ive learned that no dating strategy is fool proof
I’ve had men take me on low effort dates like ice cream or going out for a drink.. and their intention was to see how little they could get away with
I’ve had men do dinner and be super generous .. and still turn out to be narcissistic or liars
I know millionaires that have done coffee dates not because of being cheap but because their time was limited, not because they had cheap intentions
I know married people who’s dates were coffee, ice cream or walks in the park and they’ve happily been together for years
My current man and I went for a drink on our first date and have been together for a year + heading towards engagement
You’re always going to have to experiment and see what works for you!
In all the examples you gave, low effort resulted in a poor outcome. Regardless of the reason, the man didn’t put forth an effort and likely didn’t see it working out from the jump. Either you weren’t his physical type OR he knew you wouldn’t be long term. Just bc he shows up doesn’t mean he hasn’t categorized you yet. Men will entertain everyone but prioritize very few women
@@ninagrace-lee8323 I’ve had all types of dates work out in my favor as well. The point is nothing is fool proof. Either the vibe is there or is not.
Yep. Both of the weddings I attended this year were for couples who met on dating apps. It doesn't hurt to try different things.
I've said this before in a similar discussion. Sometimes a simple date is just to feel you out. My guy and I both make 6 figures and our first date was in a park, talking. You get to know someone when you talk and get to see and hear what they're saying to you. Big gestures are distracting for a first date.
Yes absolutely agree with this!
This. I hate to see how girls advice to dismiss guys who are not generous enough on first dates, "because they deserve it"... Yeah, if you are looking for a charade instead of a real connection...
Completely agree.
Exactly
Yess omggg that’s so true
I feel like transparency, mutual personal growth and consistency is the recipe to success. The challenge is finding someone you want to do it with and someone who wants to do it with you. I believe everyone has someone and you just gotta do you till you find them
Absolutely this!
I so agree, sometimes I’m just scared I’ll never find someone like that😕
@@musiclover04428It happens when u least expect it. Mines was at work.
I love the idea that love is a choice. As humans we naturally lean selfish and will seek out to soothe ourselves first but - love is choosing that person over your own feelings, choosing to be good to them even when you wanna nag.. because the pros weigh so much more heavily
Yes, just like getting married or having kids, are also both choices.
No
It’s about finding someone compatible
Women aren't socialized to be selfish.
Idk why but a long walk with a coffee or ice cream or something is actually my dream date 😭 there’s a castle with a huge garden and lake about an hour walk from where I live and anytime I go there I see couples walking around the gardens, sitting under trees near the lake, just talking. I love that idea so much
Movies and books definitely warped our understanding of what love truly is. For the men it perpetuated grape culture, coercion and manipulation tactics, entitlement and a wrong understanding of women and how to treat us. Like i think incels definitely get most of their talking points from movies like the nice guy finishing last, women only picking toxic dudes, women only dating tall guys etc.
And for women it romantized toxic relationships, encouraged pity love, perpetuated a certain kind of woman getting love(i know that definitely affected me growing up) and the fact that the women in most movies barely get good options. It was either the arrogant douchebag, the toxic guy with daddy issues, the hobosexual man child or the Niceguy™️
The ick thing i guess it's just women trying to guard themselves. At the end of the day if we end up in a toxic relationship society is still going to point the finger at us for choosing the person. Funny how men aren't blamed for picking the wrong girl they would be supported by their fellow man and bash the ex of the man
Yes, all of this! 🙌🏽
accurate.
perfectlyyyy said
Everything you said here was TOO accurate oh my god
absolutely this is why I'm scared of getting in a relationship
My boyfriend and I have been going on walks (as dates) since we started dating and I think it's the perfect plan. You get to know the other person through conversation and, immportantly I feel like it makes you not "expect" something from the other person, it helps to find out if you like them for who they are and not the date, if that makes sense. There's so much more pressure on each person in the "wine and dine" plan. Sometimes, less is really more.
I met my husband through a good mutual friend. I was 23 he was 24. We hit it off straight away and had amazing chemistry. He proposed a year later and married 10 months later now we’re 2 years married. He was my first boyfriend my first kiss my first everything. It definitely wasn’t perfect and we are both humans and make mistakes.. ( edit just to clarify never any unfaithful mistakes or anything of that nature, I just meant silly arguments)
but we have amazing communication and understanding of each other. I look back on all of it and it feels like a romcom haha! So that kind of love is out there
I met my husband at the bar he tended.
This was after two failed relationships and I was being selfish and taking time for my career. I got lucky. But I appreciate the failure of the previous relationships. They taught me what I needed. And what I wanted a partnership to actually look like.
Yes this is where I'm at... learned from my last relationship... now I have a clear understanding of what I want and hopefully can find someone close to that
Girl, you're here with the truth. Thank you for giving us such a solid, down to earth breakdown of this.
Of course "love" is dramatic and romantic at the movies. We don't want to watch everyday stuff on a screen, so the authors have to think up something to spice up the plot.
The problem is not how media depicts "love", it's that as viewers we tend to forget that these are just stories and that reality is not the same.
I think it's definitely both and it doesn't have to be either or. What the media pushes out is important because a lot of people end up consuming said media which can directly reflect their expectations within life. It would be nice if there were more movies that focused on love from a romantic but realist approach. If there can be movies that aren't super dramatic or have a really big plot line, why can't romantic ones exist? I also think Everything Everywhere All at Once is a really nice example of this-the way they touch on the different types of love, and although it was a lot going on within the movie, the way they approached the top of romantic love wasn't super extreme and over the top or heavily idealistic. It was more so existential and beautiful imo
When I went on my first “date” with my partner, it was just us getting to know each other, no expectation, we split the bill, and honestly I couldn’t tell much about him as he was so nervous that they barely spoke - and to be honest we didn’t really vibe! but we wanted to get to know each other, and across half a year of walks, talks, enjoying quality time, we fell in love. It’s been 5 years, we are both such different people from who we were, and yeah, we still split the bill cause I like it that way!!! And i’m still so in love and happy that I didn’t just base my actions off of a first impression. We built trust, we have built healthy communication, I still learn so much about him and it’s just…cool!!!!!! Feels sweet and NICE! And it took work, it was choices we made, energy we put in, and actions we took!!
Ive been in a long term relationship for almost 7 years since i was 16. It is a beautiful thing to navigate the perils of early adulthood with someone by your side. I agree with you, love is a peaceful feeling. The sparks don't blind us as much as they used to but I wouldn't trade our little routines and connection for anything else. Love is most definitely a choice. You gotta choose to show up for yourself and your partner everyday.
How does it feel to be God's favourite?
i'm so lucky to have that person so young, i'm turning 22 this year and have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. my first relationship and hopefully my only. and the whole thing about peace and comfort, this is exactly what my definition of love is!! that's how i knew he is the one. all these years, i feel so safe and comfortable around him, he even made me love myself more and contributed a lot to my growth as a person. to put it simple, i think love feels like home, warm and comforting. butterflies on the other hand, you could even say they are a sign of nervousness in front of that person, and i don't think it's a good sign if you're anxious with your partner. if you do feel that way, it's time to dig a little deeper and ask yourself why.
initial butterflies are completely normal, but the more you get to know the person you're dating, they are usually supposed to fade.
You absolutely nailed the individualistic divide between men and women, hardly anyone ever mentions this, its just echo chambers on either side. Love this ❤
Here is my take: find what YOU are looking for. Who cares what everyone else’s preferences are? You are trying to find just ONE person (unless you’re poly; good for you) that fits your lifestyle, your goals, your culture. Stop trying to shape shift yourself to fit a dozen cultural norms out of fear of giving someone an ick. If you have a fault that is truly important for you to change, it will make itself known.
Listen to your intuition about people. How do you do that? Cultivate a relationship with yourself first. Your body will know when you meet people that fit into your life. Love is not supposed to be effortful in the beginning. And honestly, I’ve learned more about what I want by trial and error than I ever did by hypothesizing. Meet new people, try new hobbies, get out in the world and love will find you.
Also these colors look amazing on you!
I’ve been trying to deconstruct this in my mind for a few years. It’s like society has created a Platonic form for what a relationship is supposed to be but that’s not how the world works. A relationship is a dynamic, and dynamics are fluid and depend on those within them. It’s not something we can force, but it is something we have to choose.
Oddly enough Gossip Girl was the show I took something with me. There was a scene with Blair and her mother before Blair got married. Her mother said how stressed and worried she was before her first wedding. But when she married her second husband she felt calm, like everything was falling in it's place. She was essentially saying to Blair that she's marrying the wrong man. So all the thrill and games may be fun, but that's not what you base longevity on. I know sounds weird given who Blair ended up with but that's where compatability comes in lol
In my experience this “spark” does exist, and it can last, but it doesn’t mean that it’s going to be enough for you to have this perfect dreamlike relationship, you can have a spark with someone, yes, but there is a lot more than that to a relationship to work and be healthy
exactly I know the spark exists cause I experienced it I can't be with someone I have no sparks with but also I know that sparks are not enough sometimes that person is just not right for you. I guess "sparks" are what some people call chemistry? or like sexual attractiveness? some people are asexual so they may not experience this
My husband and I are on the "stars aligned" lucky b*tches team, and even there the spark is not here everyday. But peace is. The love of your life is not a rollercoaster addictive kind of thing, the love of your life is the person who doesn't make you doubt wether or not they're in it with you. I feel like people romanticize struggle too much. Lasting love is about safety, comfort and sharing. And that's ok !
As an autistic person, all this kind stuff goes over my head. I've never understood the idea that everyone has to have the same experience and things have to be done according to these weird imaginary rules that everyone pretends are real.
Some of this is about having standards & sticking to them
Thank you so much for this video as a sa survivor and a person who's life has been filled with toxic relationships (family friendships and romantic interests) its been a painful and confusing journey. Thank you this helped me heal a little. It made me realize how much work i need to do.
I love your channel. Keep going girly, people like you can change lives, hence change the world.
This means so much! 🥹🩷
In my case the sparks are limerence and a trauma symptom, fixating on a person I don't really know and WHO is unavailable. Took me Years to realise it's not how a regular crush works
I suffer the same thing. What’s a regular crush?
@@viridianacortes9642literally…I also don’t know what a regular crush is haha
@@ljubovv5610 I guess from what I learned from therapy. It’s when you like someone, they’re available, take reasonable action to see if you can become an item, but understand that if they don’t like you back…you’ll be okay.
UA-cam recommended me one of your videos and I’ve been going down a rabbit hole since then.
New sub.
Love is definitely a choice. That message needs to be spread more bc feelings come and go.
Such a refreshing video! Love that you spread common sense💕Lot of people need that!! Keep it up, you are doing a good work!!🙏
Thank you so much!!! 🩷
your skin, makeup, and fit make you look so ethereal
this was so refreshing to hear. It’s borderline exasperating and exhausting how love is portrayed on social media with the “icks”. I love you’re take on this very much!
Omg! I loved your commentary so much, my algorithm is working well. I've found friends telling to expect more from a first date than a coffee, and Im like "I don't even know if I like the guy yet, Im not expecting more than a good time and respect". Its so sad that some people are looking for a good free meal rather than a great potential partner.
"Its so sad that some people are looking for a good free meal rather than a great potential partner." why are you judging other people for expecting more? we're not looking for a free meal we're looking for effort stop using talking points of red pill guys
@@nanomia what I said was my opinion, not facts. You will do you and I will do me. If ''a meal'' is effort to you, then good.👍Have a great one!
Realising that the real world is ugly and dating sucks is hard however I'd rather stay delusional than enter relationships that are below what I expect. I am dating for marriage AND I'm naturally quite shy and introverted and dating apps are JUST NOT IT okay. Everyone there wants sex, and maybe if there are like 2% of men that would like to have serious relationships, it takes talking to 25 trashy men before than and I honestly just don't have the capacity to do this. Also, I have some standards regarding his personality and lifestyle that I would want (that our faith and values align, for instance) and it's extremely difficult to find. Also if I have a family one day I'd like to stay home with children at least for some time, so he needs to be able to provide, which a lot of men don't want to/can't do today. So keeping that in mind, I'd rather stay single than ruin my already not-so-good mental health trying to find someone on dating apps
I agree with some parts.. and thats the thing its different for every person. I have experienced magical moments and synchronicities without trying for love or looking for it actively. I found out for me its when Im not in a desperate need of THE relationship or any aspect that I feel abundant and thankful and stuff flow into life effortlessly. So yeah I dont agree with your viewpoint at some times but I do agree that it takes time to get to know somebody and heck we do make mistakes and sometimes we cant control ourselves but at the same time I know what I want and I can change and want something new. Getting to know myself through those experiences and more is making me accept myself on different levels. Change as well...
Also tbh I am a woman mainly attracted to women but also a bit on the ace specter. Hence I view love not as what gender they are but ofc I want to find them attractive to me in my own way. Personality and visual as well but mostly its the person they are that matters.
Yea the whole “you gotta look for love” thing threw me for a loop, I know plenty of people where love appeared when they least expected it. I think she’s projecting a little
THANK YOU for this video! It is so needed in this culture where so many people are left feeling disappointed and like true love is some kind of "scam", when it actually exists, just not like movies and books portray it nowadays.
Walk sounds amazing if the weather is nice not gonna lie! I’m so tired of the restaurant and all that stuff… walk is amazing, to sit somewhere nicely and talk life.
Yes love is a choice. My pastor told us that when we got married.
Very interesting that you are saying "delulu" because I usuallly feel people think am delulu, for having so much expectations, but is funny also because you said that if you want to find love you sometimes have to go for it, and I have always understand that because I do not go out at all, and I told my parents to let me go alone, because they are so overprotective, I cannot go alone anywhere and I understand for my security, but I know very well that the love of my life is not just going to appear at my front door.
Same with making friend, people tell usually to relax and just go with the flow and not go around thinking I have to make the efford.
So interesting, I get into the video thinking I was going to be judge for this xD but was the opposite.
Commenting for the algorithm. Love your channel (and this outfit)!
Thank youuu! 🩷❤️🩷
I think part of the problem is that we define dating as torturous and humiliating. Perhaps individual ego work needs to be required before someone is ready for dating. Yes we'll be revealed to be human and imperfect through the process, but we'll also be having fun and learning cool things! We just need a healthier perspective on dating and what it's for. Dating is not an ego boost 100% of the time unfortunately lol, such is life
Great video!❤ To me love is not stressing yourself out if you’re single or your partner if you are in a relationship. For that to happen we have to be grateful for what we already have. I also feel loved when I don’t have to beg to be a priority, as I always prioritize myself and those I love.
True and healthy relationships are hard to find now. Most people are used to fast and meaningless relationships. No effort and no perseverance, they only pay attention to if they're feeling happy or not. Like if all has to be given but we don't revise what WE give. We expect so much for things we cannot even give, so I agree with what you say about this, because relationships are not just a little feeling, they are the result of choosing your partner every single day, like that friend who is with you and you are for them even in the bad times or when you don't get each other 100%. Is maturing and realizing that it's not all like the movies we see
I don't know how to explain this, but I needed to watch this video, thanks a lot
I'm so happy I found your account
I hate the expectations dating apps put on dating/ first dates. But I have so much trouble finding someone without them.
I dont think so. I use Tinder for long and I take dates very casual. Honestly u even dont know who you are talking to. We have a lot of scam here using Tinder in Vietnam
I personally think the reason why, me include it, we seek the spark, is because we have very simple life now, lets be honest for a sec, out parents or someone much older can tell you that in their times, they party, they did d/rugs, they sneaks out, especially I remember by dad telling me when I was younger to never accept any food for someone at school or never skip class to go out with a classmate.
So that just speak for itself that most of our parents had a rebel era, they had that experience so even tho I don't necessary I am looking for doing those things because of fear of disappointing our parents, friends or even get fire for our jobs but still want so kind of fire in my life, so I think many others can relate to this, many of us feel that we are missing out or wasting our youth but at the same time we are so scare to make mistake so I hope this gave an insight.
Besides the great video, I love your look for this video! Big fan ;) - fellow brown girl
Thanks so much!! 🩷❤️🩷
I’m going to spill some dirt on why infatuation and the “sparks” has that much of relevance to our experience. We have to consider that kids are actually dating quite early nowadays. While having dates in the preteen age can mean nothing and can be quite innocent, most preteens springboard into their teen years searching for the “love” with a skewed value system of “being hot” and fighting the other suitor. Like, this is before they can earn a living wage or even be confident in their personality. This is kinda why some of the teenagers we knew kinda turned into Maury show interviewees. The ONLY highschool sweethearts I know that have stayed together were quite emotionally mature and stable in personality. They were also bookworms. Bookworms- you guys still have a chance.
THANK YOU for making this video!
Oh I hated Rachel ending up with Ross at the end...
Can I also just add how much I love your dress? :D
Haha I'll always be a Monica and Chandler stan! And thanks so much!! 🩷
And if Rachel really had to choose Joey would have been a better choice. The guy showed up better than Ross multiple times
Me and my bf met at a party. There was a spark there and decided to give him my phone number. We started talking right away and our first date lasted only 20 minutes cause I was at work and he was busy too.... We went to a park nearby and just talked. It was wonderful!
We didn't even go to a restaurant till our 1 years anniversary :))))) We LOVED to walk around the town and discover new places in our town. We always had small gestures, like he brough me flowers, boba tea etc :))) It was very cute and nice but our chemistry was the most important thing that kept us wanting to be together rather than the gifts we give each other occasionally
I love videos on love/relationships, especially talking about things like this.. so glad I found your channel!
Love the title ❤. Romance needs a lot of illogical thinking. Its not something you get by statistics, reasoning or even based on own past experiences. Suspend all logic and negative experiences and dream about an ideal romance for you. Live in it. It will birth through you. Mind will present all sorts of obstacles like social media, men are weak, women are vain, chivalry is dead, everyone wants to rush, world is full of situationships bla bla bla. It is all mere logic which you can suspend. If you see the world through these obstacles, romance will seem like a thing that belongs in 18th century England. If you reject movies like Love at first sight and shows like Emily in Paris, saying they are delusional and too good to be true, that says where the mind is currently focused on seeing. Confirmation bias will make sure you only see lack of romance in life if you think romance is only for tv. One cannot even see it even if romance comes and lands right on the lap. If you have missed it, its ok. Have faith.Dream again. Look for others who get romance in their lives to make sure it is possible for you. A man is what he thinketh.
Still nobody learns from their mistakes they spend all their time running for an attractive person and then left behind all alone.
Do what makes you happy. If you want a walk and coffee or ice cream, do it. If you want an expensive meal, then go for it. There is something for everyone. As long as you are not being rude/hurting anyone, then do you. As someone with no interest in dating/marriage, I find these conversations around love and dating interesting. I am also glad I do not want to partake because it sounds draining.
I honestly think that the spark is scam. I feel like feeling the aura of that person and how you feel around is more important than that. Like how comfortable are you around the person and the peace you feel from interact with them and perceive them. the spark might come later when love is built over time. But peace and comfort matter more and the energy and the vibe of that person.
POV: someone woke you up from a beautiful dream.
bell hooks dedicated her life to speaking and writing about love and I recommend everybody read it as it gives a very unique perspective. Changed my life fr
you’re really pretty btww
that's so sweet thank you @@malika1424 😭
Is there a book you recommend starting with?
@@buddenbrooks"all about love" is the flagship and a must read (and re-read), and I also felt a special connection to "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love". Although I am not a man lmaoo it gave me a really good perspective in the way patriarchy is socialized, so pairing that with "all about love", my entire framework for love changed. From there I was able to start reading other books about love, aside from bell hooks', many of which she directly quotes and references in "all about love" which are like tiny, little bonus gifts. She also has many other general books on human relations that are top shelf.
@@whitneykou ok you've made me want to read her asap, thank you for replying!
I agree with mostly everything in the video and love all the points. One thing to note though is about expectations of men to women and women to men. I think it is absolutely alright to be a careerist and still have the nurturing, housewife lifestyle. It doesn't mean I am a slave or just a caterer to my husband and family. For me it means caring about our futurehouse, kids, foods, cleanliness, etc. And i expect my future husband to help me in the chores and fun, not just provide. It doesn't mean he will be taking away my dreams and aspirations, when he says I expect you to clean, cook and nurture. I will expect the same from him. Anyway, this topic is very individual for every family. Not married or engaged yet anyway, but have a very loving, caring boyfriend by my side. I hope we can build a future together where we deliver for each other, nurture and care.
I might not agree with everything that you said, but I love your perception of this topic and how you went about explaining it.
I hear you & agree with everything you said in this video, but bro I CAN NOT get back on apps again 😩 There’s got to be a better way. I’ve met too many guys on there who ended up being actual predators. It’s just too scary to risk it nowadays…
i have been waiting my whole life for this video yes love is not what we fall in love with on the movies and the movies make that shit look so good
Wish I watched this video when I was dating in my 20s!
I resent the Before Sunrise in the thumbnail with those crappy romances, Jesse and Celine have a complex relationship that I think is *all about* dispelling myths about how love works. But I'm glad I clicked anyway, was a great video. I just don't see how such thoughtful movies could in any universe be likened to freaking Friends lol.
Aw this is so true 🤍 love your channel
This is a well balanced content I paid my internet for. I’m very passive when it comes to love and for the first time in my 30 years old life I downloaded dating app. I still struggle with swipe right and start the conversation. I grew up pretty normal household so I don’t know why I have a hard time wrapping my head around being in relationships 😂
I am a hopeless romantic at heart, yet I still believe in true love. Also in the elements of love that we find in books and movies, even though that is just a small part of love. I am 22 years old and I have never been with anyone who I haven't fallen deeply in love with. Both of my 2 serious relationships came to me without really searching for anything, it was just a click of kindred souls, and, boy, were the highs so beautiful, so passionate and intense, yet in the sweetest, most loving way. However, they didn't work out and we had to go our separate ways, but I am so grateful for those experiences, and I still believe that some day I will meet somebody with whom I will not only fall in love, but who is also very compatible with my personality, values and lifestyle. In my opinion, you don't need to actively search for a partner, rather expose yourself to events, situations, places that align with your heart, your values, your interests etc., and if you believe it, eventually you will meet the right person. Also, I am not sure if relationships are supposed to last forever - that's just the cultural aspect of marriage. Maybe it is the right person for this period of your life with whom to share love, but later you were meant to go your separate ways... :)
Oh my god this was so scary to read, cause I have experienced the exact same thing and come to the exact same conclusions! It was like reading my own thoughts! Nice to see that I am not alone in my way of thinking about love. I rarely meet people with these opinions, especially at my age...
Love randemly fell into my life... I have never been on 'date' with someone I just met or linked with online or anything. I went along to a new community choir that had started, and the choir director really caught my eye. After a few months it developed into a definite mutual attraction.
Totally agree with this. Being a rom com fan I dreamt of the perfect guy Waited for love to come but it never did. Started socializing with people, found a nice guy, told myself that billionaire fantasy is unreal and it is really rare to find someone who understands you and is nice . Even then we HUSTLED for a year to understand each other and build a relationship. 7 years in the sparks come and go but peace and consistency is always there ❤
Here before she gets 500k subscribers
Excellent advice.
this was such a beautiful video I find myself relating to & i am so excited to watch & see more of your content!
Thanks for this ! 🙏💕
I haven't watched this video, but Ive seen it on my feed and have incorporated delulu in my daily lexicon
Thank you
I went for a walk with my now fiance on the first date. It qas great, we took my dog on the walk because she is my number #1 ❤
Dates after that were more fun days out and not super expensive.
The love grew from the fun times we had together!
Real talk. I needed this
People just hurt me over and over. You guys enjoy your romances, I'll stay single lol
So, regarding the "sparks" - I sometimes feel like people are saying that the best way to go about it is to _not_ look for sparks. If you feel sparks, you're probably going to have a toxic relationship. So if you feel sparks for someone, run away from them, cuz they won't be good for you. Date people for whom you don't feel sparks. What is your take on that?
(But I feel like maybe what they mean by "sparks" is different from what I think of as "sparks"? I literally always thought "sparks" were the feeling of excitement at being around a person and craving their company. But I think other people mean something else when they say "sparks".)
Feeling butterflies when you first start liking someone is totally normal! But when someone is nice/good/stable they may not illicit the same "fire" as someone who is moody/mysterious/a thrill. Being with the latter may feel like an adrenaline rush, which most of the time isn't a good sign. Your gut knows which is which!
If you have a history of abuse the " butterflies" sparks you feel can kinda be confusing bc it can be anxiety and you may misinterpret it.
Basically, baby butterflies are what someone w trauma should look for. Supposedly, at least.
"Baby butterflies", yes I second this!
@@bfbmain Trusting the gut feeling is something I agree with. But I also agree that for many people it may not be clear what they are feeling. Many reasons like trauma, neurodivergence, asexuality/aromanticism, rarely experiencing crushes, etc. etc.
As an ace person myself, I often find that a lot of commentaries assume I know what they're talking about, when I actually haven't experienced the things they are talking about. So I'm always on the lookout for commentaries where people breakdown basic human emotions like "butterflies" or "sparks" or even "fire" (the last of which I'm not sure I've ever experienced).
@sildarmillion I relate. I also think many women are taught to gaslight themselves or not value their gut feelings. Ig overall is does the person make you feel good more often than not? And ofc if you're insecure and have trouble trusting/ receiving , sometimes you won't feel good when good comes your way
I just need to say that I love this video and I know it isn’t related to the content of the video but I love your outfit I just need to say it it’s so cute 😭
All of my dates with my boyfriend (that I am with for more than 3 years now) were walks ! What is wrong with walking and getting to know the person ?
nothing but a lot of men use walking dates so they won't put effort and a lot of women had bad relationships with guys they went walk date with if it works foryou great! But mostly it's a sign of low effort
omg ur vids r always so relevant me thank u
That is such a nice dress on you. Plus the lipstick
Thank youu! 😊
I chase convenience, not stability. The only stable thing in my life is me and it will forever be me.
Men, are mostly inconvenient. They add nothing significant to my life.
fr because actually it took almost a year for me to fully get to know my lover. We’re still young rn so we don’t really have any fancy dates or expensive gifts. The spark happened at first but after a while that fades a way and you genuinely feel just comfortable with them. they’re honestly supposed to be your BEST friend. someone who would be honest, etc. its not about filling and fitting into this “role” that you have to in a relationship, it’s about accepting whoever they are and being open-minded about things that you need to improve. they should help u grow bro
This is whats up, love is the very response to lack/flaws in the other, it takes work baby! Emotional labour!
I have a question. I never had a real relationship with anyone. I had many crushes in highschool, which now looking back at it was mostly in my head kind like how it is in the movies. However, i realize now that i never actually love or know the person ha (it was mostly just based off of my insecurity and i felt insecure around my crush as well). However, i was just wondering what distinguishes romantic love from it just being a platonic one? When i date, can there be attraction there as well? I want a healthy relationship one day but i lowkey want there to be butterflies or some form of spark (kind of like in the movies but more realistic).
I think about it like this: If there are crazy sparks and butterflies, it may be the sign of a toxic relationship or past trauma. If there are no sparks at all and zero attraction, then perhaps that is platonic (though you never know, it could grow over time as two people get to know each other and spend more time together). And I think the perfect balance is "baby butterflies" as someone said here in the comments section, where there is some attraction/butterflies, but nothing over the top and everything feels at ease and peaceful. 🩷
TALK YOUR TALK!!!!! But also can you give a super clear definition of what a Spark means in the context of the video?
wow, you're so poetic
Beautiful ❤!!!! Very all about love by bell hooks !😊💞💞💞
I love your outfit!
sparks are consistency
Yes to all of this!
Omg hi! 🩷❤️
The dress your wearing is stunning!
All amazing relationships that fulfill and nourish our world are mostly because of women. Women are perfection and can enrich a man’s life beyond measure. However the current state of relationships and the failure of love currently is mostly on women.
OMG, that podcast episode that you featured pissed me off soo much!!! That guy was so unbelievably srlfish
excellent video. Love just doesn't happen. You have to pursue it. I had to find my husband and I did on a dating website. I'm the one that initiating contact and we decided that we'd talk a lot on the phone and chat. We were transparent and honest with each other and that helped from the beginning. We've been married for 15 years now. Are the "sparks" still there? Sure, I suppose but like you said, it's more like peace--we're a team and we're best friends and through humor and communication, we make our marriage work. Also, there's going to be ick stuff in any relationship because there's going to be stuff that we're not going to like about the other person. There's stuff I don't like about my husband but oh well--that's ok.
They are small annoyances that I just have to live with and that's part of living with another person too because no one is perfect (note, I'm not talking about real red flags here--those are a different category all together). I do think it's sad that so many are missing out on love due to some of the issues you've mentioned in the video. It does come down to taking a risk but it's worth it.
Completely unrelated but where is this dress or blouse from??? Absolutely gorgeous!