Це відео не доступне.
Перепрошуємо.
When a foster to adopt parent shares with friend that TPR occurred for their foster child
Вставка
- Опубліковано 2 гру 2022
- This isn't a moment to celebrate. It is a crisis in a family.
Even if you are a foster to adopt family and planning to provide permanency, it's important to be sensitive to the trauma occurring in the child's life.
TPR= Termination of Parental Rights
This can be appealed and reversed in some cases.
After TPR, the parent has no legal rights to the child.
Usually, after this, the child moves to a permanency plan that is: guardianship, long-term foster care, or adoption.
I burst into tears when the gavel came down in my daughter’s TPR. Social worker thought I was relieved because now we could adopt her. I was heartbroken for her.
For the child it’s really good news though. It means that they don’t have to go back to an abuser and adoption means no bouncing around in the foster care system.
@@LillllyPad most kids go into the system because of financial/housing instability or mental/physical health problems (including addiction) on the part of the parents and all of those issues could be fixed most of the time with the proper resources and funding but those systems are underfunded so the resources are limited. :(
yes in the more severe cases obviously the safest and healthiest option for the children would be to find a safe, loving, and stable home/family, but even in those cases it’s still heartbreaking. it’s sad that the parents were unable to make the changes or get the help needed and most of the time regardless of the environment the kids were raised in they just want to be back with their parents because it’s the form of ‘love’ and the ‘home’ they grew to know and it takes a long time to see it for what it truly was so the kids are often devastated which is hard to see and even harder for the kids to process.
so even if it is the best option it’s still sad and hard for the children (and those caring for them) to go through :’(
@@LillllyPad you don't know of the parent was an abuser though.
@@LillllyPadNot all children trapped in the system are abused - some are - but a large percentage aren't but still get screwed.
@@LillllyPad most children get taken away not from abusers but from people who are in financial strains, parents that ended up suddenly with medical issue that hinders their categiving ability, or are going through a grieving and they aren't mentally strong enough to also care for the kids. These people work hard to regain their children back but sometimes their body just doesnt heal fast enough or their financial situation cant be easily fixed due to a combination of factors such as identity fraud with a minimum wage job and no uppper education due to not qualifying for loans.
In the description it's better explained. TPR means Termination of Parental Rights, which also means the child(ren) will be now going to a long term foster, adoption or a guardianship.
That is heavy
Dang. That's really hard. I would never respond with the first example. You'd basically be congratulating the day that a child lost their parents
Wow thanks for explaining what a TPR. It's sad though.
@@nokia_eq23i think it depends on the person and situation. I have two coworkers who waited years for this to happen and they did adopt their foster children. So I knew ahead of time that this was the outcome they wanted, in both situations.
@@SJ-ni6iy oh yes. Obviously! If you've been waiting forever to adopt then ofc I would respond with that. Or if the parents were extremely toxic and didn't give a damn then yea. But if the kids really loved their parents and stuff or if you literally just started taking care of them, then it would be different 😅
i’m now the guardian to my 11 year old brother since August. Our mom had a stroke and is paralyzed. I have no kids and didn’t want any but I am trying everything and anything to be a good support for my brother. your videos help me a lot with ideas and ways to talk to him. I know i’m his sister and not a foster parent but I went from knowing nothing and you’ve taught me a lot
Wow that sounds really tough what you're doing.. It's amazing that you are doing this for him! It seems you are a really great person, I wish you all the best for you and your family!❣️
my cousin was granted custody of her younger brothers. she was only 21. the oldest one has issues and had many notebooks inn how he wanted his sister un alive. my aunt, their mother had died and she knew she needed to step up so they could stay together. she put her younger brother in college and her older brother living on his own. thanks for listening to my ramble lol
You are amazing for doing that for your brother
You are amazing! 💪😉
You are appreciated 💛
Even if TPR was wanted, the situation that lead to that point would have been a LOT so it's a mixed bag even in the best scenario.
For those who don't understand why;
One reason is that TPR means the hope of them being restored to their parents is totally and permanently gone.
Anyone who cares about a child wants their relationship with their parents to be healthy, even if it is currently extremely dysfunctional.
A child who gets TPR has basically lost their birth parents.
Yes, maybe they are better off without that toxicity, but they're still family.
Nobody should be happy with that child's loss.
Thank you for the explanation! 👍
Exactly. Some of the comments I've seen in this thread are alarming me as an adult adoptee. Just because you want to adopt doesn't mean you or your network can ethically celebrate a child losing their biological parent(s), it's so insensitive to that massive trauma and the way people are trying to rationalize it is the opposite of empathy for a kid
@@DarthFurie that’s part of the issue. Many foster parents have that exact sentiment and are very opposite of this woman’s channel. I’ve seen it time and time again (I’m a social worker) professionally and socially.
Sometimes its hard not to be happy about it. It honestly depends on the situation. Although you probably would never want to celebrate it like a birthday or some stupid ish like that. Sometimes its a happy thing that maybe now they can be safe and loved. I don't really think blood is the end all be all. I think its more compassionate to be aware of the kids feelings, but you are allowed to feel somewhat happy about it. Especially if they weren't safe there and are now.
In some context it’s not a loss tho. Knowing a kid that didn’t seen her bio mom for 3 years (she was 1 last she saw her) even if the mom had visitation rights and was welcomed to visit. She decided cocaine and not having to deal with the noise a kid makes (she would hit her when she wasn’t silent) was a better option. That kid never saw her as a mom. Her grandmother that now had the full custody and has adopted her is the only mom she ever had. She didn’t lose anything the day her mom lost her parental rights. On the contrary, it allowed her grandmother to not have to retrace her bio mom for every decision (like vaccines, daycare changes, etc).
I was 8 and I remember that day in court like it was yesterday, I’m 43. 😢 Thank you for educating. I really hope there’s foster parents really listening and learning.
I don't ever want my niece and her half sister to lose their mom and the sister dad. However when the parents chose to do drugs in front of them, not feed them, have them living in literally dog shit, no power, no heat (we live in 4 season weather). I don't understand how they should ever have custody again? They don't work and the courts are giving them more rights then my nephew, niece and her sister. 😤
Foster care is so bittersweet. By default, others outside the situation often tend to be “excited” at milestone events - coming into care, holidays, TPR, even adoption. But as you have a chance to really connect with family/friends over time, they begin to unpack all of the emotions with you.
Kids come into care on one of the worst days of their lives. While it’s natural to be excited to be able to love on and provide for these children, it’s also a very heavy day.
TPR breaks legal connections between families - but no one can break the emotional connection between family members. That’s an eternal bond. Just because a Judge made a ruling, doesn’t mean things get any easier at home. Often times, TPR can spark an entirely new set of emotions and conversations with the child due to the permanency of the decision. That can weigh so heavily on a child.
Even adoption can be bittersweet. Yes, “Gotcha Day” is fun and exciting. But it’s also a day where the child can feel abandoned by bio-family. And it can be a reminder of all the things lost and left behind from previous life: family, friends, teachers, schoolmates, neighbors, etc. Each of these groups are “losses”that the child may be reminded of on adoption day - or any given day of the year. Not just on anniversaries.
In many senses, Foster Care is so much more about managing the roller coaster of emotions and trauma than it is about putting food on the table and getting kids to school. That’s the easy part. The tough part is listening to the stories, sharing the heartbreak, and teaching these amazing children how to process and regulate all of the things they’ve experienced.
On top of that, for siblings it often means the end. If they're not already together, they likely won't be put back together. If they are together, the adoptive parents may not be willing or able to take them all and they could still get adopted out separately, or some could age out in care. It's definitely a heavy day for all
My parents were foster parents for 25 years and I got to be a sister to so many kids that I still have relationships with today and I applaud you and your channel for doing everything right. My parents did adopt 3 children who are my siblings and I love them with all my heart and soul. These kids just want a family to love them and support them in every way possible.
I grew up like that too. While for reasons I don't know about they didn't end up with any adoptions but there were a few that were like permanent siblings. They all felt like real sisters and brothers. I think we were lucky for having all of them in our lives . Especially the special needs siblings. I wish I could have been a foster parent like my parents but my husband and I did take in several kids over the years that were friends with our kids and their parents pretty much just threw to the wolves. Mostly young teens. We made sure they had a good safe place to land during rough times with their family.
Can I ask, how old were you when your parents started fostering?
799⁸
I’m a minor (on my mom’s account but my real one is @morgansjanitor) and my mom is thinking about fostering! So I wanted to ask, was it weird at first having a stranger to in your house
My initial response when someone tells me news (could be good or bad), I put my feelings/perspective aside and ask "How do we feel about this?" So I can be on the same page, there is nothing worse/unhelpful than a person who is on a different side than you are, we need our friends on our side for strength and support ❤️
When confronted with something like that, I always ask if that’s a bad thing or a good thing first
That is very thoughtful. ❤
I agree, I also do this when I'm not sure what that means to the other person. I think it's usually the best type of response
A thing I try to practice is "Do you want support, do you want advice, or do you just want me to shut up and listen?"
I do forget to sometimes, but I really try not to let my feelings get ahead of their issue.
"How do we feel about this" is also an extremely good tool.
And being able to express "I would love to continue this conversation, but maybe if we can take a break. You've done nothing wrong. But I'm not in the best state to help right now" for those conversations that are either just... heavy, and triggering to hear, or if it feels like the other party is beginning to spiral/lose control of their venting
My aunt is a Foster Mom. It always hurts to say goodbye to the kids, but TPR hurts even worse sometimes. Your heart aches for that poor child who may never have their bio parents in their life again. She hates it when people ask her if she will keep the kids. Of course she wants them, but she wants them to have both bio parents and bio siblings too. Her oldest foster turned adopted daughter was adopted separately from her bio siblings, but she can still see them which is great. It's a very touchy subject for her. You never know what those kids go through. 💔
My siblings go for this in February. We're all hoping our mom will lose rights. Their foster mom they've had for a year will be moving forward with adopting them and my siblings will no longer be forced to talk to our mom. 🙏🏼🤞🏼
Good luck Phoenix. I can’t imagine this has been an easy journey for any of you. Much love to you all.
Praying for you!!👏
Wow. Sounds like you and those kids have had to deal with a lot. No doubt a lot of conflicting emotions. To me it sounds like it could be a very sad situation, but the way you tell it from your first hand position its a great decision in their favour. Hope life is good to you all here on out. ❤
@@carolynm9638 thank you! My siblings actually have asked our mom to sign over rights so they can be adopted. The only bio-family they wanted to be placed with if they came home was me and I'm only 22 and not financially stable for 2kids let alone 2kids in Middle school.
God bless, I hope everything will be okay and yalls life just gets better from here 🙏💕
Compassion over Celebration.
Its key to life!!
This is such a great way of phrasing it ❤️
Hobby Lobby needs to right that down lol
This is what happened with me. I was just lucky enough that I was still a baby when everything happened and was adopted very quickly. I can’t imagine what a child whos old enough to process something as heavy as that must go through, though.
It’s awful for them.
it's horrible and even now still deeply affects me
I worked at a group home for teens who were removed from the home for various reasons. One teen was molesting his 3yo half sister born after his mom remarried. The mom wanted to go on with her new life/ new family life with her child and husband and the family was understandably so affected by this. They didn’t have much contact and thought it best that the boy not be in the home permanently and they terminated parental rights. The boy was devastated at the thought of this and what got him there and it was a tough time for him. The thing was, we as staff knew each reason the teens were placed there but the kids didn’t know each other’s stories so in addittion to what they were going through, it also was a secret and they had no friend to talk to in the group home about what was going on and they surely didn’t talk about it at school. Most of them didn’t tell kids at school where they lived.
Another boy was in a sexual relationship with his mom since he was 8 and was placed in the group home. Mom wanted him back in her home but the only visitation allowed was supervised with the social worker. Her situation declined and rights were terminated and I think a relative took him in. Each situation is so much and TPR is drastic and a lot for the child.
Watching these is making me a better person.
Right? There’s just a lot of good information and technique here, and frankly I wish people would apply these skills to most interactions. So many adults never learned how to communicate and relate effectively, and it shows.
This is so wonderful. Same with "gotcha day" it's a happy day, yes, but also a day of great loss. And if you have birth children it does not include them in the building of the family. Having a "family day" can be something to look forward to each year where the family unit is celebrated with whoever is currently part of the family.
Family day is such a sweet idea. All families included. ❤
I get this! Children especially young ones love their parents no matter what. While this could be the best decision for their well-being they may not understand that at the time. It's no cause for celebration because it's a loss.
Before my husband died, I'd asked him about maybe fostering kids someday. We weren't blessed with children. He would have been a great father. I've been wondering the what if he would have lived scenario since he died. And your videos have given me a glimpse into what I missed out on. Thank you.
👵✌️🖖
Aww I’m so sorry ❤️ ❤️
@@keriissovery9566 Hi,
Thank you for your comment.
👵✌️🖖
I had an experienced with CPS and they were under the believe I had abandon my kiddo and left them with their father . Once they learned that his father kidnapped him the went hard on the TPR so my kiddo was a foster child for about 1 week. It was the most hardest week for both of us, because of showing the social worker that I was completely capable and had kiddo’s room ready . Will always have respect for that Particular social worker who let me see my child.
Think a lot of people forget that the ultimate goal is reunification and there can be a lot of heavy emotions for everyone involved but that is the ultimate goal. I'm glad you have these videos to help educate people so that they don't come across as insensitive
This channel just makes me want to cry idk why. She's so kind and beautiful. I'm happy to share this world with her. In my country there's no such things as a foster parent program but I definitely want to help those who need it.
What country are you in? What happens to the kids there?
@@noble604 family and the community steps up. Lots of countries don’t have foster systems.
@@noble604 kinship…
Thank you so much for your page. I’ve adopted twice and am a legal guardian too. I’ve felt so guilty when my heart hurt for what they lost with their bio families. I still cry when I think of what the bio families have lost. My kids are AMAZING, and I am so fortunate to get to watch them grow close up with the daily contact that entails. That gift in my life came at a cost to others, though, including a loss to my kids. No matter how hard I try to keep the lines open, it can never be like what it would be if they had grown up in healthy bio families with their first mothers and fathers around them.
My family and most of my friends act like I’m crazy to see this as a mix, both a gift and a huge loss. Having my (now mostly secret) feelings reflected in your videos is so validating and helps give me new ways to talk about it with my kids so that I can make sure as best I can that they know they don’t have to hide their feelings from me.
While it was obvious to me to not respond in the first way, I did not exactly know how I could respond, so thank you for giving some examples.
I’ve always wanted to foster and with any luck I’ll be able to in the future. It’s something I’ve always been passionate about and then met my husband and his foster to adoptive family and it pushed it even more. Thank you for trying to educate people on this process
I am 14 and for the longest time i have wanted to be a foster mom so i am taking classes in high school that can help me with that and i hope that one day i will be able to foster
Sounds like you & your husband couldnt have chosen more ideal spouses! 🤗. Im excited for your future together & any/all children God sends your way. 🤗
It is HARD. It is NOTHING like you think it will be. At least it wasn’t for me. It was the most heartbreaking, gut-wrenching thing that I have ever been through, and I wasn’t even a foster parent! My stepchildren had just come from nightmarish places of neglect and abuse with a biomom and a stepmom.
We’re qualified to be therapeutic foster care parents because of what we have gone through with my stepchildren. I know all of the things to do, but I will never do it as a foster parent. My stepchildren are the type of kids that would have gotten bounced around in the system because of their behavior. It was BAD because their early life had been BAD. The behavior still isn’t great, but it is better (they are 16 and 18). I have hope that they will be functioning members of society, now 😊. But, getting them there has been a hard, hard road.
First! Thank you for educating me and other people about fostering! I love your channel sm ❤️
My daughters half brother and step brother were removed from the home for DV and it killed me I couldn’t be the one to take them, I hope they were with a foster parent like you. Thank you for being these kids safe space at such a scary time in their young lives.
Reading through these comments, I'm so glad that your videos are being taken in the many different ways they can be used! Your techniques are useful for any emotionally driven situation, not just with fosters, but with any child dealing with adult situations! You've shown several ways I could have better handled situations with my teenage daughter when the mental illness started showing.
The other thing that it's important to make people realize is the children in foster care are not always there because they're are abused or neglected. There are so many different ways a loving parent can lose custody. You see horror stories of amazing parents losing everything and living out of their minivan until they can figure it out. I imagine it's those situations that are hardest.
Thank you for what you do!
We had neighbors that fostered several children. One of the girls was there bc her mother was arrested for counterfeiting and not sending her to school. She stayed at home with her mom who doted on her. Homemade lunches every day - whatever she wanted to eat. Another example of “not abused.” Maybe educational neglect, but they shared a lot of love.
This girl is so sensitive and talented in what she does. What an example of a human being! ❤
A true role model!
My grandparents were foster parents and when a TPR happened, it was bittersweet. They felt they were too old to adopt, because they might not be able to care for the kids all the way into adulthood. They helped 7 kids transition into their adoptive homes and 13 transition back with their families of origin.
My TPR was coeorsed by my attorney and I didn't understand I could never get him back UNLESS he chose to see me 💔 but his adoptive parents keep in touch and give me all the pictures and updates I want which is great so I think one day I'll get to see him again and me and his AP can explain everything that happened to cause him to live there instead of with me god bless them they are blessings
Is the foster parent responsible for telling the child that their parent’s rights are terminated?
Thank you for your videos. I’m not a foster parent but I do have 3 kids of my own. I appreciate your developmentally on point approaches you take to care for these kids.
It depends on the situation and what is best for the child
Probably the child welfare social worker
In Australia, I believe that this information is given to the child/ren through their case manager. I'll check tho, or I am sure someone will be happy to correct me.
Regardless of who breaks the news to the child, it’s likely going to be a topic for them and the foster family. A very hard conversation to have, I’m sure.
All great replies. If I were to to foster a child, I would not want to be the one to tell them. That is something that a child would never forget but also then associate with the person telling them and maybe even blame or direct their negative feelings towards. No matter how awful biological parents are, a child will always love and feel connected them and possibly internalize guilt and responsibility regarding. I’d want to be present to offer support but not want to be the bearer of bad news.
You are such an amazing person. Enlightening people to the, in my opinion, best way to respond in these type of situations with foster kids. A lot of people think that fostering in general is doing more than most which is true, but considering how absolutely horrid foster care system has been portrayed and utilized in the last half century I'd say a lot of people need this type of educating
I am just 18, so I have never been a foster parent, but i would consider it in the future because I have a lot of empathy and experience with other youth I've met who are in the foster system or have had parents who weren't able to provide them with a safe situation. As a person with C-PTSD, I do also know quite a bit about trauma-informed parenting/support/language. Your channel is amazing, and Im certain it is helping plenty of other people who are interested in fostering or may just need some extra support even though they have been doing it for a while. With your other videos that are centered around the child, I remember that the staff/nurses at children's hospital psychiatric units or mental health group living programs were taking this approach to the kids and their temporary and/or forever families. Its amazing how a bit of knowledge and awareness, and a bit of empathy, can make a huge difference in a child and their behavior that often comes from those feelings of insecurity in safety or support. Sending love to all of the amazing parents doing this on the regular. It makes a huge difference to these kiddos and their parents/siblings ❤
I’m this comment section I am reading so many messages of parents who had health problems and that’s why the kids were removed. Parents who lost their jobs and got caught stealing and went to jail trying to feed the kids. It’s not just parents have neglected or abused their child. This is not always why children are taken away. But they are always taken away for their safety. But not always put into safe homes either. I just hope more people see this and understand that it’s not just people who mistreated children to have them taken away. There are many reasons why a parent has lost either all rights or just for a while
Yes. The thing I like about this channel is there is empathy to spare. We can have empathy for the kids and still have empathy for the parents. It’s not an either/or.
My mum cried when TPR was ordered. She knew the day would come but it devastated her. She hoped so much more for the fosters parents and fought tooth and nail to prove and support their recovery. TPR was the right course of action in the end but it doesn't make it any less painful to process with all parties involved. Sadly the parents lashed out in anger snd frustration, enough that we too, lost the fosters.
Wow! Why did you guys lose them?
@@keriissovery9566 False allegations made which were usually ignored, were taken seriously by our latest and last caseworker, removing the children immediately without an investigation.
15 years of fostering them down the drain just like that. It shattered my parents, the youngest had just turned 5. It would be years before we started hearing from them as each of them turned 18 and wanted to say hello.
They told us that they were split up into different homes as nobody was able to take on all 5 siblings together but they were allowed to keep in touch with each other. We haven't heard from the 5 year old, I doubt we ever will tbh.
Perfect. TPR is heartbreaking.
I try to always comment what a wonderful human you are whenever you show up in my feed ❤ you get me in the feels, and you’re amazing and being there for our most vulnerable kids.
Yeah, I feel like it's pretty sick to celebrate the parent(s) permanently losing rights to their own biological child. I'm an adult adoptee and it is a form of trauma regardless to lose 1 or more of your biological parents. I love my adoptive dad with all my heart but the fact that my bio father wasn't stable enough to have custody of me is a severe wound regardless and it takes a lot of therapy to deal with not taking a hit to your self-esteem over your parent(s) being so messed up
@FateAndFurie Hi, I have grandchildren who have been fostered and then adopted. My adult daughter eventually died of an OD, and the dads also were not capable of parenting. I worry about their emotional health and dealing with the trauma as the grow. Are there any books or online or group resources you can recommend that I could give them if I am ever able to?
@@playhooky Hi, first I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter, and now your grandchildren. I would encourage you if there is any way to regain contact (perhaps when they are over 18), to see if they would be interested, but also to emotionally prepare for any outcome. I don't talk to my bio father's family and am only close to my adopted dad's family, but every adoptee is different.
When they have grown up, check out adoption networks such as NAAP and Adoption Network Cleveland, there are also many more but those are ones I'm involved in and they have support groups-- some of those support groups may be of interest to you as well, they do virtual meetings ❤️ Also, when they are older, along with affinity groups, therapy is great. A book that everyone always talks about (with good reason) that is related to trauma is "The Body Keeps the Score." I also really enjoyed "Attached." Depending on whatever individual things they're dealing with (e.g. anxiety, depression, PTSD, attachment wounds, etc.) a therapist or support groups could also recommend other resources. Good luck to you and your family, and again I'm so sorry you all have experienced this
@@DarthFurie Thank you very very much.
This is so interesting. I lost my Dad and was so relieved he wasn't around to make my life painful with his bad behaviour. I wonder what makes us view it differently. Stay strong ❤❤❤
These sound like excellent tips for responding to any challenging news! Thank you
I have friends that went through this, and it was a very difficult time for the whole family.
I remember the day this happened for us. It was a big deal. So many emotions going on. But, here we are 14 years later. Our adopted son turns 21 this month. And I know despite all the ups and downs, He will always know he is our son and always will be.
I remember these two sweet boys who had been in the process of adoption after like 5 years in foster care. They were so excited and loved visits with the family adopting them. Then, all of the sudden, their grandma showed up and decided she wanted them. No idea what happened to those boys, but I hope they're doing well. 😞 the system is messed up. I appreciate foster care parents who provide all of the support, love, and care like you do.
If the grandma was fit to be a parent, and wanted them, it's better long term for them to be with an actual biological relative than strangers. Even if those strangers are loving, it's not the same as someone who is intrinsically linked to their roots, heritage, family, etc. I'm sure it was really sad for the foster parents but you have to consider the whole life of the children and all the time still to come that they deserve the chance at being around their bio family ❤️
@@DarthFurie absolutely NOT. The best place for the children is no more upheaval , and for them to be with the people they know and love and have roots with.
Not a random relative who they don't know.
@@louisacapell If you read the original comment, it says that they were only "visiting" the family that wanted to adopt them, meaning they had been in foster care elsewhere. Then, their grandma said she wanted to get them out of foster care and adopt them herself-- by the way, a grandma is not a "random relative," it's a CLOSE relative. So the children were, as you put it, going to go through an "upheaval" (change in living arrangements) either way-- and going with grandma over some unrelated people is the superior option if grandma is fit to parent, period. Strangers don't have rights to ANOTHER family's kids, just because they want them. And if you've never been adopted or in foster care, have several seats because you haven't walked a mile in our shoes
@@DarthFurie ...I mean...you have no idea what the grandma was even like. You hope she was a good guardian. Both my grandmothers sucked. And if she was a decent guardian, where was she for 5 years? Why didn't the kids just go to her? There are a lot of questions you don't have answers to. Bio family is not always the best option. Sometimes the family you're born into is trash. Sometimes the best option is 'strangers'. Even though 5 years of visits wouldn't make them strangers anymore. I have uncles and cousins I've never met. And an entire side of my family sucks. And a part of the other side sucks too. One of the grandmothers I mentioned, I didn't meet until my dad died. She was his mom. And she didn't speak to me at wake, either. Not a word.
While I don't understand what it's like in foster care, I do understand what it's like to be in a garbage family.
@@smol-one same here, both of my bio parents are addicts, one is dead now. I know all about being born into a crappy bio family. However, we cannot assume from the info given that grandma would be a bad guardian. It's also important to note that @buse and maltreatment in foster and adoption care are H-U-G-E issues, so we likewise can't assume that the children would have been treated well in a non-familial adoption placement. My sister was fostered and in group homes for 2 years and was treated horribly by people who knew how to smile and work the system to keep the money coming. The statistics are that about 1 in 3 foster kids are abused/maltreated while in foster placement, and it's likely much higher due to underreporting.
Not to mention, the original comment says they were in foster care for 5 years, not that they'd been visiting the potential adoptive parents for 5 years. It had probably been a much shorter amount of time, as the PAPs were not the foster guardians. At any rate, from the info given, grandma was the better option, the courts obviously agreed because they took the kids away from their bio parents, but allowed grandma to have them. So all we can do is wish them well and not make negative assumptions ❤️
Right. People literally hope for this. Like this isn't traumatic for a child, but your desperate need to adopt, means youre happy about children being totally uprooted from the only family they know. It's sad. It's hard ASF.
I have family that became foster parents to a young girl removed from a substance abuse home. The mother gave up her rights but the father worked really hard and turned his life around. My family members moved so the girl could be close enough for her supervised visits while her Dad was recovering & healing. They now have 50/50 custody with the father and function as one big spilt household. Fostering is amazing but challenging & I have nothing but respect for those that enter into it with good hearts to make a difference.
I was in foster care with my brother from nine years old where I was in the first household where I lived that had clean beds, adequate food, and stability. Eventually I was adopted by my grandmother. I’ll never forget my foster parents. They let me eat as much food as I wanted.
I was a foster kid who got TPRd and adopted 😢 thank you for everything you do in your videos you're really healing a part of me that was left unheard for many years
I like how you logically explain things.
This is really great if you don't know the person really well. I think it might be situational though, for example my mom's best friend has been fostering a little boy for 2 or 3 years now and have been fighting in court for that whole time to be able to adopt him (they already have his brother) so it would be a huge relief for everyone and exciting to hear that news
LOVE LOVE LOVE the awareness you are bringing to all sides of the foster world!
Your channel is such an amazing resource for foster situations, on both sides of it, which is wonderful for you to address. My daughter had a childhood friend, who became addicted to drugs at a young age. She had such a difficult life in the first place, and was never given the home environment, she, herself, deserved. They did this with both of her children, and it was heartbreaking for both her and her children. The horrible part is that in doing so, she dropped from her recovery program and went even further into the dark. It killed me to watch this beautiful young mother, that I had known almost her entire life, lose hope. I don't think people think about what TPR truly means for these families. Even if it is in the best interest of the child, that will never change the heartache they endure losing the only family they've ever known, or how hard it is for the foster family to address with them. Young children especially, cannot understand the reality of what's happening. I'm sure your channel helps a lot of people navigate through all of this.
Being soft and understanding is so important! Not to fosters only but anyone going through a hard time. I work at a bank and we have a customer who was going through it and there isn't anything I could do to help so I just tried to smile and be sift with her and tell her she was in my thoughts and she broke her walls down a little and is starting to make her way down a better path and right herself. It's so important to know how to handle any kind of situation!
Thank goodness ya’ll can stay together. Good work! Prayers for all y’all need. 🙏
I don't know anything about this but I love this woman. She's so compassionate and such a pure soul. I bet she's an awesome friend, Mom, sister, daughter etc, I'm a huge fan of this special human...I wish all Foster Parents were like her. You are amazing Madame!❤ I bet she's helping so many people!! ❤😊 Thank you.
Thank you. We have our young nephew. He was placed with us in an emergency. There's no giving him back to foster care as we are his family and we do love him and are willing to keep him, but as reunificatiom seems to get more impossible, it is a lot to process. What you thought your family and life would be like is now changed and that's a lot. It's hard to show that mental process as well when everyone around you keeps asking when you'll be able to adopt him.
Out of law school, I had a clerkship with a trial court judge and witnessed proceedings for termination of parental rights. It went on for several days. It was horrible and heartbreaking, especially because the father was contesting it. I still remember him on the stand talking about how he would care for his daughter, where they would live. He explained to the court that he was not at the proceedings the whole time because he could only get so much time off of work but that his absence from the courtroom wasn't a reflection on his lack of interest in his daughter, but the opposite. The TPR went through. This was about 16 years ago and I still wonder about that family and hope that they were all able to find some peace.
My judge also had the adoptions docket. Thinking about those still brings tears to my eyes, the joy and the love and the belonging.
You are helping so many families
Thank you
My sisters were 9, 8, and 2 when there tpr went through for their bio parents. One was a voluntary tpr and the other was ordered because no one could find their mom.
My 9 y/o sister looked relieved. She was taking care of mom and dad and her little sisters. 9 y/o and struggling to keep your family together.
Love them all to pieces, and glad that they got to stay together when my parents stepped up to take them in.
I just love your content. I am not a foster parent but I truly love that you are trying to help and educate people about foster care. You don’t really see this side of it! I am so grateful for your service to this children/teens. You’re truly an unsung hero. All foster parents need more credit. It’s not an easy thing to do. ❤
Thankyou for posting these insights. And for showing the selfless love you have for your kids.
I was devastated in that court room. To hear a parents right were terminated was heartbreaking. Thank you for bringing awareness & educating. It wasn't a victory, it was a ok next unknown steps & kids come first. A transitional emotional journey. Learning if you know you know ❤
All contact with parents is gone. How sad is that. Think about it, the kiddos will never see their parent/s again (even if the kiddies were abused). Hope the kids have a wonderful life.
You are so good at what you do. Your energy is perfect for this. .
Even if parents arent fit for the children, its still heartbreaking to have to face that legally. Kids still want things to work out with their parents most of the time, even if they do resent them. A broken family is heartbreaking. There should be space to grieve for the family that didnt work out.
I think if we heard the stories of the parents we'd learn just how often a family is ripped apart for no reason. Truth is, some children desperately need saving. Some are failed & lose their lives; other times, they are saved from a terrible fate and sent to incredible foster homes. Then there's a massive number of children who were never abused or harmed but ended up on a broken system, never going home again - causing emotional damage that last a lifetime.
It’s crazy how real this is, I expect to be so happy at TPR. But honestly my heart was broken.
There are very few instances where this is reason to celebrate. Most of the time this is something very sad.
I think people who look after others kids and love them like they are blood are true heroes and I am again commenting for support ❤
Gosh these videos make me feel so emotional, I wish my emotionally abusive mom ever treated me like you do kids. Like she can tell me to off myself or call me names cause I'm hurt and upset and no one ever asked how I really felt or was there for me. I wish I had a you in my life
I didn't know what TPR was.
I might have reacted like your friend.
There's so much to learn and understand.
How heartbreaking
There is a lot of grief in adopting or fostering. Some people gain children, others lose them, the kids often go through this multiple times, leaving a bio parent for foster then foster for bio or a replacement.
This type of grief when chosen by foster parents is so selfless.
I love that you're taking the time to show that these things may have a silver lining but they're a very difficult, confusing journey for everyone and each feeling deserves recognition. 💞
This is so hard because, even when parents can F up beyond anything compared, there are children who have undying loyalty and hope for their parent(s) and will want to go home regardless.
Sometimes even because the foster 'parents' are worse and are not this educated, lovely, loving and warm person like this beautiful lady.
I wish my husband had met someone like this woman.
Not every foster parent wants to adopt. That’s why they become foster parents. Some prefer to help several children than just a few children. My aunt was a foster mother and she had three children before she decided to foster because were they lived in Wisconsin they didn’t have anybody to take in foster children and their town. She would have up to 15 children at a time. She was much older than my father and my father was 40 when he had me. So I didn’t know too much of the story but I just remember her saying when I met her that they probably had over 300 children come through the house during her span. But it was sad. She said that she was always the first house that they’ve called. They would show up with the baby, they would show up with her or her child, they would show up with the whole household and just say, can you please take them? Who won daughter stayed at the house with her just to help with all the kids there were so many.
I learn so much from these. Thank you so much for sharing.
I was in the foster system twice. And I went back home both times. All most all my foster parents were abusive. I didn't have a single family or placement where they actually cared about me and my siblings. And my parents were still using when we went back home... but I would have rather been with my drug addicted parents then fostercare. Cuz I knew if I was home at least we would be somewhat taken care of. It's so hard to even belive ppl like you exist. But I'm so happy you do 🩷
even when it’s totally deserved, it probably still isn’t something anyone involved is likely to celebrate. when my stepsisters’ mum lost parental rights it was a huge relief because she was so difficult to deal with (she was an alcoholic, constantly missing visits, wouldn’t let my stepdad finalize the divorce, harassed my mum, etc etc etc) but it wasn’t a cause for celebration because it was still a really shitty situation, yknow?
and it came as a surprise-after so much time fighting in court (both so that my sisters didn’t have to see her if they didn’t want to & so my stepdad could actually get divorced and marry my mum), always getting delayed because she just wouldn’t show up, eventually the judge (?) got sick of it and all of a sudden terminated parental rights and iirc she hadn’t even come to court that day
I was adopted young like 2 or 3. When I was 10 i found out I had little siblings, I meant them. They got taken out of the house for my little brother waking up to our mom on the floor at 3 with no food yet. We fostered them. For around 1 year and a half, maybe. We all agreed on adopting them. The mom lost rights. And sadly our mom died...it was the hardest thing that has ever happened to me personally. My adoptive parents were there in my room everyday. It took 2 weeks to come out again. Finally we adopted the kids. My gosh was it a hard process. It's not easy.
Such a sad thing for the children and the parents.
I can only imagine the feelings the foster parents experience when this happens.
I was old enough to attend my Mother’s Day in court many years ago 1984 ish .
Ended up being sent out of state to be adopted as a teenager..
My mom wrote me a letter and enclosed the court document
Every once in awhile I reread it
Decades later it hits different and I grieve for my mothers loss not so much my own.. but the kids go through it don’t let anybody sugarcoat adoption like happily ever after
This content is on point when the foster parents deeply care .
I LOVE that you emphasize that a foster child has/had biological parents and you EMPATHIZE (when appropriate) with the bios and consider their feelings as well.
Ya know, a lot of people see the bios as scumbags (for lack of a better term). Yes, they made a series of bad decisions but that doesn't mean they don't love their children. Those people, obviously, have issues and are given opportunities & resources to help resolve those issues to get their children back. Sometimes the bios accept the helping hand and sometimes the parents are too overwhelmed with whatever the roadblock is, and don't accept the help or comply and unfortunately lose their children.
I worked for an agency and I've seen both kinds of parents and sometimes it's a beautiful and touching reunion and you're filled with hope and other times you just want to grab the bio by the hair (jk jk) and walk them through the process step by step and sometimes you just are relieved for the child to be in a healthier, happier & more supportive environment.
I am so blessed to have friends who respond like this
In the long run… TPRs are a blessing for most children.
Children who have been abused to the point of near-death have begged not to be taken from the person who abused them. Right or wrong, children love their bio-parents. And good foster parents love the children.
This is the right response. Not everything that turns out good *feels good* at first.
It's always sad when the foster family is actually gleeful. We pray every day for my kiddos absent father to get better and come back into his life. Kids so need their families and losing that hurts even when it wasn't healthy.
I wished the judge gave us that order. I took an ancestry dna kit at the age of 21. Got of foster care at 18, when I received the results my “father” was not my biological father. And my grandparents who we were stuck with under guardianship because after 7 foster homes we had no where to go, well turns out they aren’t my grandparents either. For 6 years the state of Arizona knew they were not my biological family and left me with them anyway. I know this because after the head cps lady retired she came down to school to pick up her adopted son which was my friend at the time and she told she was 99.9% without a doubt that my “dad” isn’t my biological dad nor my family. My full sister turned into a half sister as well.
I mean no disrespect when I say this I was a foster child myself and no matter how much I cared about my foster parents I still wanted to be a "normal kid with a normal family " a parent losing their rights is a complicated emotional minefield for a child
I thought I would try and make you laugh a little and I am sure many here would agree with me when I say most children in "normal" families as they grow older wish they could have been a "normal kid with a normal family". So many of my friends say their kids think the same thing. My husband and I were good parents, we never spanked or even yelled at our children, always had good food but my husband and I were both artists, we raised our kids semi-off grid. We heated our house with wood, had no television, a composting toilet. A few of my kids in times of frustration would say to us "why? why couldn't I have just been born in a normal family"? They are grown now but still bring it up when we get together for the holidays....I will hear them talking andI will say..."Hey come on guys we were a normal family" and all 4 of them will simultaneously yell out "NO".
Of course you did! My parents were f**ked up. Like bad. I was never in foster care but I was actually sitting here thinking that as a child, it would've been extremely traumatic to be put in foster care and potentially lose the ability to see/talk to my parents ever again.
Thank you for showing this side of foster parent.
This really is a case by case situation it seems from reading these comments. I'm really grateful for these videos bc they're so informative and the comments provide even more indepth info too.
Yet there are 100’s of Foster Parents that celebrate this openly in front of there foster kids always confused me and left me conflicted. Like the Foster Parent wanted the bio parents to fail,
Regardless if they fail or not always take into consideration the fact that the child or children just lost there Bio Parent/Parents AGAIN! And it’s utterly heartbreaking for them, let alone any countless other times that a bio parent didn’t get there shit together for there kid AGAIN,
It’s not always a celebration it more Bitter the SWEET and should be handled with absolute care
I wish the folks who think "reunification shouldn't be the goal," would think about this.
You don't get to be excited for ✨yourself✨ on the day when a child is losing their parents.
Wanting what's best for a kid is different than wanting what's best for yourself. 💜
You are such a kind soul.
Best to see how the child is reacting. Sometimes they’re happy they won’t be placed with their abusers again but can still be heavy. Sometimes the parent was loving but had personal issues.
After seeing some of the court videos where these parents have been given WAY more chances than they should have had .. the sooner the TPR the sooner the kids can get a stable home with parents who want them and will give them a good life. Years of hearings often ends with kids being older and not easily adopted.
I just absolutely love the fact that you make these videos and how much education and awareness you’re spreading!❤❤❤❤
Completely upsetting for the child to feel that. I'm so glad you are speaking on these topics. Honestly, lots of these examples would never have occurred to me simply because of a lack of experience.
Currently dealing with my nieces foster mom who did some unethical things to push for TPR. Despite all social workers and the CASA workers advocating for rights not to be terminated...he did and she was thrilled in court. At my brother's last visit, my niece told my brother that the foster parents asked her if she wanted their last name.
The beautiful, insightful sensitivity of this.
One of the hardest moments in my friend's foster-to-adoption journey was the day the kids learned that Grandma didn't want them. Her refusing to take them meant my friend could adopt the kids she loved so much and permanently unite them with their newborn brother who was adopted out immediately. But it CRUSHED those kids. And the parents respected that. They didn't celebrate, they didn't even talk about adoption at that point. They let the kids grieve and they grieved with them
Made me so tearful, it's the right way to respond to many many things xxxx
These videos are so enlightening and helpful. Learning about fostering is foreign concept for most people. Your focused care makes Core memories for the innocent and vulnerable.
This makes me so sad. I already knew that this happens, but seeing this video just reminds me how terrible of a situation it is for a family to be broken apart.
It's difficult. For every case where a flawed, but fundementally decent parent gets caught up in a bad situation and the kids get removed, there's a case or possibly multiple where there's intentional neglect and/ or abuse. The children get removed for their safety and reunification is not in their best interests.
The overriding principle for all foster, adoptive and kinship carers, as well as social services and other professionals should be the best interests of the child. Make decisions in their best interests and you can't go far wrong. If you let other considerations, namely parental rights where they conflict with the child's interests, skew your focus you will make bad, potentially disastrous decisions.