The Only Dating Advice You'll Ever Need!
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- Опубліковано 10 чер 2024
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You may not know this, but you probably have an unconscious dating mindset.
We all do. It might be learned from our parents, an early relationship, or any other kind of formative childhood experience, but it affects so much of our behavior when we meet someone we like.
In today’s new video, I’m going to share 3 of the most dangerous dating mindsets to avoid, and one powerful mindset that will let you enjoy the process while naturally attracting the person you really want.
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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 - 0:19 - Three Types That Struggle in Dating
0:19 - 2:06 - The Skater: Jumping From One Person to the Next
2:06 - 3:01 - The Avoidance of Pain
3:01 - 4:10 - The Sinker: Anxiously Attached
4:10 - 4:51 - First Principles of Getting Commitment
4:51 - 5:30 - No Room Left for Needs
5:30 - 6:13 - The Sideliner: Taking Themselves Out of the Game
6:13 - 7:29 - Archetypes at Different Stages
7:29 - 8:17 - “I’m Done With Dating”
8:17 - 9:12 - Learning to Love the Process
9:12 - 10:15 - Becoming a Swimmer
10:15 - 11:04 - Staying Hopeful
11:04 - 12:08 - Finding More Joy in the Dating Process
12:08 - 13:12 - Focus on Connecting
13:12 - 13:51 - Putting Your Love Life on a Path to Success
13:51 - 15:45 - The Antidote
Basically entire attachment theory explained: dismissive avoidant, anxious, fearful avoidant.
It is not simple in real life though. Dating nowadays is hard if we want genuine connection with emotionally available people.
Dating can be tough, but focusing on genuine connections is key. "It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters" - Epictetus. Stay true to yourself and keep pushing for that emotional availability.
This is some of the best advice I’ve seen. I’ve been all three at different times. I’ve learned to slow the process down by 1st meeting for a walk for coffee or ice cream and hearing the man’s story. Even when there is no connection, I’ve found this approach to be much more satisfying. I don’t feel like I wasted my time as I always learn something new.
I have followed your advice for years Matt. And you have helped change me, made me evolve, build my self esteem, all from miles away.
The last decade has been painful, transformational and unpredictable to say the least, in terms of dating. And amidst all that chaos, I kept coming back to your videos. They always gave me the truth, and most importantly, practical solutions to get out of the funk. Years ago, I found you on UA-cam, when I was heartbroken, confused, grappling for answers. Years later, I find myself looking in the mirror, and a self assured, powerful, and a secure person looks back at me. I’m better because of you.
I’m so so happy that you’re married to the love of your life. Audrey and you are perfect together. I wish the same kind of understanding, supportive love comes into my life someday.
Loads of love and light from India.
❤️❤️❤️
You deserve this love Gitanjali! I hope we find it soon ^^
So beautifully said❤
How did you build your self-esteem? Thanks.
you put it so nicely, how many people feel about this man, I believe. Following Matthew changed my life. I mean it’s harder to find someone after watching all of his videos, but he helped me finding myself and my worth and yes that might make it harder to find someone, but at least it keeps toxic people out of our lives, and with a little bit of patience we eventually might find the right one.
Matthew really builds up women all over the world and I’m so happy he and Audrey are so happy together. He is one of the only wholesome dating coaches out there
Sideliner. I don’t trust myself. Sidelining because I don’t even know how to date after being married for 25 years and entering the dating world in a whole new era. Like being in prison and then released into a world that has moved in light speed into a whole new universe.
Used to be a sinker but now I’m a sideliner. It’s sort of hard to get peoples attention at 44, but I’m willing to put myself out there again this year. Wish me luck.
Really pathetic that someone thinks oh, I am 44, no one notices me..good grIef..34 ,44,54, 64 ,74. EVEN 84 IS A perfect age to get involved..date, engage..LIVE...
Girl you better get out there. Well if you want to! I'm 45 I get attention I'm sure people get attention at any age
@@julievanzile2482 Once it warms up I will.
Good luck! It’s never too late to try to find someone!!
Are you a man or a woman?
I’m an introvert and I hate every minute of it. Modern dating is like endless job interviews… it completely takes the beauty out of it. I’d rather stay home than spend the evening in some awkward conversation waiting for the opportunity to end the date
Dating shouldn't be about impressing anyone. Focus on evaluating them, don't go out of you way, go with the purpose of spending a nice time and see if they make you feel comfortable. Having said that... yeah, modern dating is very messy, Im struggling with it too. Hard not to feel drained and disapointed. Best of luck!
Me too!!! 😊
I was a sinker for someone that was not worth a single tiny little drop of water 😂😂😂
We were sinking together dia😢😂😂
@@NorahRoxie it's better off being single than to deny yourself the love you deserve by being with these a$$holes
I think I passed through all of these phases, sometimes I'm in the sideline thing, but to be honest I want to be just with someone and that's it, not being with multiple people that drains my energy, I just want to focus in one person and that's it.
This was so brutally truthful and good. I've definitely been a skater & a sinker. Last year, I went on a crazy dating spree (12 people) in one month, just cause I didn't want to go through the proper pain of rejection with someone that I had an insane crush on. And after few months, I developed another crush on someone, and became a sinker again. And ended things quickly, because I didn't feel like he was into me as much as I was into him. I didn't wanted to feel the rejection again. I was constantly worried, when was it gonna end, when was he gonna ghost me or reject me. So I ended it. And I became a skater again.
I also think the issue of being a sinker is that I'm more attracted to the idea of someone, and therefore love the chase, when they don't seem to be that into me.
From now on, I'll feel the pain when it's needed. I'll slow down. I'll strike the cadence.
Proud of you
Do you know about attachment theory? You sounds like you might be fearful-avoidant: want a relationship but afraid of true commitment and running away.
Sinker here 🙋🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ practicing slow dating and getting to know men through building emotional connection, whilst showing up as vulnerable me and having boundaries. Swimming I hope🤞🏽 Previously been on the sidelines and encountered a narcissist 😢
I'm mostly a sideliner but whenever i find someone i actually like i totally become a sinker...
100% ur not alone 🙈
Heal the wounds underneath. Abandonment wound or prioritisation wound
I didnt expect to be called out like this today 😂😂
I got sidelined by a girl, then at the same time I met a woman that was so warm and loving, and communicative. Dropped the lame girl, and have been in a crazy-good and warm-love-filled relationship for 6 weeks with the woman (that happens to be Ukrainian). She’s hot, and so incredibly sweet, and also puts in effort like a real woman. Good luck, and don’t waste time with a person that doesn’t seem to actually want a relationship.
Happy for you bro, best of luck!
@@Sorine9 Thanks! Still going strong with her!
i went through all 3 of those stages, got sick of that stupid game and stopped playing in 2014, its always a lose/lose situation, its not worth your sanity, focus on yourself
AHAH the sideliner description though 💀 I don’t want to date. I don’t want anything until I meet the rare person who starts to change my mind.
“Swimmers stay in the game but they keep moving forward”
This whole video resonates deeply - I realize I oscillate between all 3, and my skating is swiping and swiping on a dating app but not really giving people a chance, until one charismatic narcissist comes along and I go into sinker mode 😂 then when I inevitably get hurt, I get out of the water altogether.
Thank you Matthew for these helpful archetypes, and for the antidote at the end that will actually get me off my butt and back in the water again ❤️ I can’t wait for your book to come out this spring!
Thanks, Matthew! Thanks for everything you do ❤
This is one of the best videos I've ever seen. You do so much here. I found myself rewinding at certain points because your words gave me ideas that my mind traveled down, so I needed to rewind to get back to your words so I wouldn't miss anything. I love that there is a dating pool, and swimming plays nicely as a term especially given the relation between swimming and a pool. I found that I relate most closely to the Sinker currently, albeit I typically don't warp myself too much to please the other person but rather I warp myself to be better based on how the other person motivates me. It is still growth promoting, but I do have other Sinker characteristics which can be considered negative such as becoming attached/engrossed too quickly and not dating with enough frequency. I love hearing about the other styles even when they don't directly apply to me. I can also see parallels between the other styles and some of the women I've gone on dates with in the past. I've definitely met a Skater before and was surprised to hear that she had a date lined up for literally every day that week, whereas I'm more of a Sinker who is nearly the opposite in terms of dating frequency. I could go on and on about reflections based on your video here. Thanks so much for sharing with us. I'm learning a lot!
I've been dating for a while now. I'm meeting new people, having fun, experiencing what features of a character I like and I don't chase. Loads of women trying to play games and making you pursue them hard. My advice, just relax, enjoy the process and don't fixated on the result.
Thanks a lot for sharing, really great job! 👍😄👏
I went exactly from skater to sinker to sideliner over the past few months. I have been stuck on the sidelines for longer than I hoped. This video makes a lot of sense! The solution is certainly easier said than done...
so true, i give too much to people who dont deserve it! thanks for this matt
Your videos have helped me so much Matthew, thank you.
I've been all three, and now I'm on the sinker stage, learning how to swim, not to overinvest. These videos make me feel finally like there's hope for me to break out of unhealthy patterns.
I was the skater. Til someone took my feet from under me. Now that it’s over I realize I am now a sideliner
Thank you Matthew. I love the subtle shifts in your content, i resonate with it a lot.
Definitely been a Skater. I been asked by guy why I am not moving forward. I really respected him for being able to question me on that. He made me realize my shortcomings. I need to take a chance and not be scared.
Same girl! Tried to break it off with this guy and he was like “ I don’t think so “ 😂 we’re still together and i like hine like him.
GREAT video Matthew!!!!! 😊😊
I was at all stages you mentioned, finally I got to the swimming stage😂
Thank you Matthew! I go with flow I don’t date so many guys and same time I don’t get attached to someone worse things you can do…
Sideliner...😅 Literally me for the past 7 years. 😂
Same!! 7 and counting 😂
same and I'm just 23. It sometimes hurts and a spark a feeling of jealousy in me seeing all my mates from high school and college going on so many dates and sleeping with loads of people. I also fear as though I have wasted my best years by not dating in my peak years. And I'm too unexperienced to ever catch up with men and women my age.
@@the1stmetalhead please don't let a lack of experience throw your confidence. I can tell you with absolute honesty that "experienced" does not in anyway mean better. Many people have just had years of drunk sex and mastered bad techniques. It more than often works against them. 23 is very young, and your best years are just around the corner. All the best to you 🤍
@@the1stmetalhead This sounds exactly like me... except 10 years younger!
So don't worry. If you're 23, you still have some of the best years ahead of you, trust me! You ARE on your peak years! The mistake is comparing yourself to others (everyone has different rythms in life).
But do enjoy the 20s! Don't waste time wallowing in pain like I did. I too thought the best years were already behind me by that time, and let that bring me down, making me waste the actual perfect times...
Only now am I getting rid of my negativity, anxiety and insecurity that left me stuck during my early adulthood, and it is starting to become great. If it can be great now, you then, still get to experience awesomeness! MOVE! :D
memento mori, memento vivere... Carpe that mofo diem!
@@JohnyK07 thanks, currently I’m preparing for a competitive exams. That’s why I’m stuck at home and will be for the next year. But after that I hope to join Big 4 and meet people regularly and spend most of my time outdoors and hopefully make some new friends and love interests. It gives me hope that there are people who have made something of their life after coming from a similar situation as mine. Also therapy is a thing that is a priority on my list. I feel like I need to heal from my feelings of insecurity, child abuse, etc.
Great Video, Thank you Matthew!!!!
Matthew, you are an amazing human being, thank you for doing what you do and thank you for being so grounded, nice and KIND ❤
Powerful video!
Whale= too impressive, to be relatable
Squid= too smart, to be fun
Minnow= too helpless, to be beneficial
Was a sinker…now a sideliner…for now. Like you said, “stages”. I need to repair and work on myself. No use wallowing in the wounds and still hopeful. Love the term “organic connection.” Just came back from Aquafit class, not quite swimming but in the water!!!🏊♀️🏊♀️🏊♀️
So, even in dating, niche down is the best advice.
Definitely a sinker
Archetypes are so helpful to explain how people act
I realize I may be the sinker. Except not always trying to be what the other person is looking for, since now I do realize I need to find someone who likes me the way I am now. At least I am working on myself now physically and mentally! Watching your videos and some of the other dating coaches on here has made me realize that I really do need therapy to help me figure out why I keep attracting the wrong guy. For whatever reason ever since my very first boyfriend that I realize I self sabotaged. Now I keep attracting the wrong guy who is either emotionally abusive or has bad habits and doesn't treat me right or was after the wrong thing. The videos really have helped me a lot though and I appreciate you guys!
With fake profiles and scammers for people over 60 it seems impossible to meet someone through a dating site
Great video. Thx 😊
I'm definitely a recovering sinker.
Working through it and healing it to become more secure.
Looking forward to reading your book!
Thank you i really appreciate it Mathew I needed this . I am 22 I have been a sinker all my life . Need to change it . Thanks a lot .
Sinker. All the way.
Truth is no one really dates in India 😂….I go on blind dating events organised by some organisers and when we talk I realise they’re just there for walking or hangout or timepass, not for dating.
Seripusly, people in India date for time pass till their parents get them married
Depends on what city you’re in. I’ve dated many women from various backgrounds and there was never the pressure of marriage. We just had a good relationship for whatever time we were together.
I guess it depends on the city. Being from fintech city of India. I see people and friends of mine constantly dating and hooking up. It's hard not to feel jealous of some my friends for how easy it is for them to get laid or go on dates. But I've accepted it. And hoping the situation will change for me in my late 20s to early 30s and maybe I'll also be able to experiment and experience like my college friends did.
I disagree, it depends on the age and where they are in life. Some men are actually looking for genuine relationships.
I am disagreeing where you said “no one”
I can relate to all three , i was skating when i was young then i became a sinker in my 30’s now i am in my 40th yr on earth and i am a sideliner now. I don’t want to date anymore. Have accepted the fact that I meant to be single 😊
Aueh so nice to hear you sound like youve found YourSelf.....on a Level suited better, Calmer,Wiser,Balanced cheerful & maturing nicely😎
Love the use of imagery. Could you make a video on how to navigate "the waters", and what to do when you meet someone who is a skater, sinker or sideliner?
I found these personas helpful to put some of my experiences in perspective. I was so desperate for connection and romance after two years in lockdown during the pandemic. I started working out a lot and felt good about myself. I allowed one incredibly charming man into my life and it’s been traumatising to see how low I sunk in the past year. There have been so many small and bigger things I did not like or want to do but for the sake of being with someone I let them cross my boundaries. I completely overanalysed all that’s happened and lost myself in the process. A big lesson for me to trust my gut and speak up for myself more. Be ready to walk away before getting too emotionally invested!
Yes, i need to like the experince. Thank you!
Sideliner - and it's actually worth being it. No regrets.
Great summary. I’m a swimmer now and it feels good. He’s spot on👍🏽
I had like 15 dates last year. For 2024, I will choose better to start with and, unless a big red flag, be more patient with each person, learn to know them, communicate early when there is an issue. Definitely dating less people but hopefully with better results
Yo Matt, can you make a video with you and Jameson like an interview style you did with Ali? When did he join your team, how much time you spend together, what camera does he use, and your work relationship and what it's like and advice for anyone who is looking for a similar business partnership, thank u!!!
I was a sinker, before I passed in the sidelines. But your coaching is helping me trough this years to become a swimmer, and just enjoy my ride
@Matthew Hussey I am a mixture of all 3 mentioned. 1st I was the sinker because I got in too deep with those who were not right and developed one-itis. 2nd I became the skater because of my experiences as a sinker I did not want to invest too much in those who weren't showing signs of inerest 3rd I am as things stand the side liner because of my experiences in the modern world of dating I am to some extent jaded from it all and am ok being alone but am at the same time open to the possibility.
😊
Oh god, this is really close to home. I am in a full dating burnout, but cannot skip the skater mode, while deep inside feeling sinke-ish, and my mindset is completely sideliner :)
Yeah, I'm a sinker. I have worked on myself a lot, but my issue comes down to that I don't know who I am. I've been in and out of so many people's lives temporarily as friends, I didn't know how to handle a love life
This really used to be me. All 3 of them. I was in a hurry so I didn’t let connections form and was on to the next. Met someone I really liked then would sink into them. Broken hearted after it didn’t work out, I would sit on the sidelines ENTIRELY too long. I’ve finally learned how to balance. Try to form meaningful connections. It’s ok if it doesn’t work out but now I pace myself so I don’t get burnt out, obsessed or jaded. It’s been a learning process for sure and now I just take what comes with the journey as optimistically as I possibly can.
Sideliner here and loving it; but lately… I’m missing having someone in my life. I’m very upset about this new development in my heart - I was so enjoying being single and can’t understand why it changed.
Man, when you said that I can be okay on my own I just wanted to hug you
Brilliant! Thank you!
Just went from being a side liner for a year to deep diving with a man who clearly is not the right one... Time to learn how to swim :)
(I take it as a sign that this video came up on my way to the swimming pool :D)
I was a sinker that I had to say yes every time to the guy I dated even if I lost part of myself. That's why I become a skater. I dated some guys but somehow it ended up being a hook up and that's why I lost interest. I was craving for genuine connection but after hooking up, I felt I was being ghosted or we connect few times that's why I lost interest and jump off to another guy. And this resulted me somehow to a dating burn out because I keep on meeting guys who just want a short term connection. When these guys somehow detached, I also feel the same way.
Any advice for me? I badly want a genuine connection. I prefer no hooking up and just connect and get to know. But it's really impossible these days. Some guys prefer to have sex first and become a basis whether to pursue a relationship or not. If not sexually compatible even if in getting to know stage even if knowing the guy for few days they drift apart. I lost trust and interest because of this. I am in my 30s and I don't know what to do with these hook up culture & knowing you can be replaced by anyone anytime.
All 3. Skated for years until the ice cracked on me. Sank in the cold water for a while until I crawled out. Now I'm on the sidelines focusing on myself while also working on getting better. On the path of learning how to swim (even though I'm already a proficient swimmer irl)
excellent, as usual (:
That's a good point though; that we need to focus more on the positive aspects the dating process can give us, regardless of the result of a Loving SO. For me, the dating itself could pose more joy if I could learn how to assert my boundaries more quickly. And perhaps this could also help to see which men would respect my boundaries.
sinking sideliner...yikes but I am working on it all with Matt and other's advice and training. Becoming aware and adjusting as I go.
Definitely a sideliner for most of my life; including right now. I have been a sinker for a few relationships though too. Cant say I’ve ever been a skater though.
I’m definitely a sideline and all you’ve said is me to a tee. But I’m finding it hard as I’m getting old that I’m trying to swim but feel exhausted at all angles. That I’m sinking:drowning into a depression of the possibility of not finding love or my person. Online dating is so bad and makes my mental well-being worse. I feel like what is the point as it never works in my favour.
Skater and sideliner… working on it! :)
I feel like similar advice could be applied to making friends.
I'm the sideliner without the skater attitude! I fall for the pokie machine; the one that's more avoidant than I am, that then turns me into the anxious mess. Now, instead of constantly doing backstroke, I'm learning freestyle❤️
That’s cool. I guess we’re on the road
I was a sideliner some years ago, then I became a sinker and now I am a Skater, now I want to have a healthier approach to dating, because I feel like I am getting bored and it's getting hard for me to see anyone in a romantic way anymore. Perhaps I am burnt out. Thanks Matt for sharing this.
I'm a sideliner and just haven't dated in around 12-13 years. Though the rejection was never the problem it was always the lack of time since my schedule is hectic and I am usually up front with that if it came up.
Honestly I’ve been all 3 types
I’m the sideliner 🤣!
I have been ALL of these over the years...
I’m in the phase to turning from sinker to sideliner.
By finding a very charismatic person, they don't reward them that would become the best teammate in the relationship but as who's the best sales person. And here they overanalyze, over obsess with them
I've never been a Skater, cause I take time to get interested enough in someone to try anything (probably demi-romantic). But I do fall pretty hard when it gets to that point.
So I have been a Sinker all my life... bearing the pain of huge loss with every rejection, one after the other up until my mid-20s. And then I gave up and became a Sideliner.
I'm 34 now, and have been the past 2-3 years slowly getting back into dating.
I think I'm slowly learning to swim, but it does take time... reflecting on each experience, learning with mistakes, and trying again, slowly, carefully but with determination.
I've come to accept the possibility of never finding anyone, with a stoic calmness.
But not so much that I quit trying. The years I've spent on the sidelines, made me realize that I want to keep trying, despite of the result. This is why "loving the process" resonated so much with me when you said it. That is pretty much it.
I'm definitively the sinker and it is ruining my dating life cuz I get too attached too quickly. I need to be a bit more like the skater
I just got shook hard after dating someone new. Manipulator, yelling and ultimatums. How long should I take to swim. At this point I’m feeling a mix between “get out there and don’t repeat the same steps” vs “ugh im feeling burned out and want to couch surf for a few months”.
I’m a side liner who met the charismatic guy and fall for him , but the guy was a side liner too after he had a divorce, well , the thing is I felt so much like everything you have mentioned about the swimmer and I got some green flags from him to move forward, them all of a sudden everything changed, he became cold and I became the sinker and he became a side liner again
It was one relationship that made me go through three different types of feelings, what you’re saying is nice but real life is way more complicated
World's best dating advice for FREE. "Give what you demand you get from another"
What if you can’t but also can’t be happy in a relationship where they don’t give x thing
Sinker!!! defo omg
Sideliner for sure! I am done!
I was a sinker.. I became concious that I was and became a sideliner. Dipped my toes in again and irritated myself because the sinker is still there even though I'm conscious of it... went back the sidelines. I'm staying here because apparently I have some issues to work on 😅. I don't skate, but sideline for years then sink occasionally.
I think this video is really either or. Im neither a skater nor a sinker, yet I am still not standing on the shore looking at people dating. Dating was never a mission, I can be alone, and I not chase shadows or ideas trying to apply myself to ones needs. I just meet people and if there are sparks I’ll try to get to know the person the way they are.. interesting
Matthew appreciate you! I am none of the above. But not very successful finding a connection. Just ordered your book 😀
You’re right
How are you doing Lisa ?
@@richardmuller9960 doing alright how are you?
I was never a skater, more a sinker. Now I'm a chosen sideliner. 😂
Not like, I will never date again, but I'll have like one encounter per year, train what I've learned in therapy, being proud of myself and still get hurt or disappointed. 😅
The funny thing is the situationships get shorter and less self destructive, which is a progress I guess, but it's still tiring, because I was actually never a priority to a partner, which gets me even more when I do so much right. Like, no matter how much progress I've made and how much I've learned to love myself, I get the feeling that I'm really better on my own.
On my own with occasional dates that rush through my life once in a while.
Most of the time, that's fine by me, because I don't waste as much energy and have fun at dates, but that can't be all there is? 😅
I think I been a sinker before, but for the most part I been a sideliner. I remember for a short while I tried to date but couldn’t connect with anyone because I was still closed off not allowing anyone in close. Then I’d have to sideline again.
As a guy I have found myself going from the third to the second and then immediately back for years on end. Unable to secure any relationships longer than perhaps a month, and no more than one relationship every ~2 years for the last 8 years. Occasionally I feel better about myself and have the desire to begin dating, but I apparently don’t know where to meet potential partners. Despite being in one of the most populated regions on earth, the only socializing I can do outside of school seems to be online dating. I really often feel hopeless about the prospect of meeting someone I would genuinely connect with outside of school, and even then I mentally distance myself from everyone there and never truly connect with anyone. IDK what to do because even if I tried I can’t care about most people’s lives. But I still feel empty.
used to be a sinker but now im a skater, and im feelin burnout
I'd love to hear Matt dissecting the characters of Twilight, Bella, Edward and Jacob. It would be so interesting😊
Without evening hearing the last one, I’m DEFINITELY the sinker.
I just realized my attachment style a few days ago and it has been devastating.
Is the 1/23 event gunna be another 30 minute ad for the app at the end like the other event mentioned? 🤨🧐
Do the dating cycle as it can enrich our lives.