"He Goes Radio Silent" Dating An Autistic Q&A
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- Опубліковано 14 жов 2024
- Alexithymia, Routine Dynamics & Cognitive Empathy are things not talked about a lot - especially in the contexts of Relationships
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Brilliant, Aspergers Growth ! Perfect descriptions. I am autistic and I would sign all said with my signature of approval. I would like to clearly describe that when "I go radio silence" because I am confused and de-structured and something has gone wrong in my day and I have to re-build the whole schedule for the rest of the day, and re-build myself, and I am trying to sense what is the best course of action and how to salvage as much as I can of the initial plans -or how to dump it all, and establish a totally new course- the Last Thing I Want is someone around me asking me what's the matter or offering help no matter how much I adore this person. I just need space and time by myself to sort things out. I will eventually glide up above the chaos and come up with a perfectly reasonable new plan which I will carry out with grace and ease. Until then please clear off me and give me total solitude. I just will need to concentrate and quickly heal because I will be on the verge of an attack of panic which in my case shows as rage. If I'm discreetly given time and space I will come back after a while with a big smile and a cup of tea and will explain everything. I want to put it in images so it is understood a lot better: something's gone wrong with my initial plans and I am feeling like I am attacked by a swarm of bees so my psychological skin begins to feel hot and prickly and irritated while at the same time the walls of the place I am in are falling on me six bricks at a time right on my head and chest and also the floor I am standing on is cracking and crumbling letting a dark abyss be seen through the growing cracks (just an image). This makes my "normal" personality dissolve into thin air and I am left without a personality meaning I am left without a psychological skin so the bees which are still swarming are now attacking my inner flesh. On top of it someone I love is trying to get me to explain to them what is happening. Under such circumstances I logically cannot interact with anyone. Ha ha ha the example is just a wee exaggerated, not much. Just leave me cool and alone when I am giving signs of going mute and with a worried concentrated face. I will reconstruct the walls and the ground around me, I will find my personality again, I will put my psychological skin on again, and the bees will quietly return to their hive. I always say if one loves an autistic person one needs to be able to be alone a lot and not feel sidelined nor abandoned, just feel one is giving the autistic loved-one the time and space they need to re-constitute themselves. It's a present one gives the beloved autistic person. If I don't do it for my autistic man I love, who's going to do it for him? Thanks a lot. Cheers, Yana (60 years old)
"or how to dump it all, and establish a totally new course" this is intended to appear, don't know why it is crossed off ! The bees are swarming ! help ! (smile)
The guy I’m in love with will go “radio silent” when things with us seem to be going extremely well. I never know how to handle it. Sometimes it’s for months. On one hand. If I don’t reach out I feel like he’s going to think I don’t think about him, miss him or care (he is paranoid and has very low self worth).
On the other hand, I feel like I shouldn’t talk to him at all. Keep in mind we don’t live together. We aren’t currently in a relationship but I do love him. And I’m willing to do anything and everything to communicate with him properly. I constantly worry I didn’t do something right but I don’t express that to him. He has horrible anticipation anxiety to where he’ll be on the verge of hanging out with me and then he panics and he won’t. It’s incredibly brutal for me emotionally (I’m ADHD NT) and I genuinely don’t know how to act or what to do. If he would just give me some kind of warning or some kind of…anything…but it’s always when things are going really well and then he disappears into the dark.
Please put your story down in the comments if you want me to tackle it in the next Q&A!
Thanks for watching 😁
Hi Thomas, I've put my story above, don't know if you have any advice. I'm sure that other neurodiverse couples come up against similar issues.
Hi Elizabeth, I can't see your story comment for some reason!
Thank you so much! Very helpful and I’m grateful for your knowledge and videos 💖
I’m autistic but I actually have trouble maintaining any sort of schedule. Iv tried to make my days more structured/ for productivity I guess? Nothing sticks though but I’m not as all over the place as I used to be so that’s progress!
Another thing is I used to lack empathy but eventually I developed empathy. Same thing with reading social cues! Sometimes I freeze up anyway because I just can’t come up with a response fast enough.
I don’t have melt downs anymore. I have shut downs though. The level of responsiveness and conscious I have during a shut down can vary a lot. Same with how long it can last.
Just thought I’d try to converse here in the comments so mmm heyyyyyy.
Good idea. I liked what you said about being open enough to ask someone what to do to break out of a sticking point. I have stumbled on that bypass by accident and it really helped me stop ruminating. Thanks Thomas!
You are amazing. Im learning so much
LOVE this
My asd partner broke up with me after two weeks of her melting down. She said we don’t work together anymore and then went silent! It’s been three months and no word from her? Can you help me make sense of this? Is she in a burnout? 0:18
I am trying to date asperger guy but I don't know why he wants to urge with me...? And criticized me .
Do you have any insight into why my autistic BF doesn't text a lot or use the phone. When he's with me I get 100 % of his attention.
It’s quite a common thing for autistic people, texting and calls can be hard on our social battery sometimes.
I’d have a conversation about what level of communication you need day-to-day.
Me and my partner are the same, although we have communicated about it and are both happy with the low contact when we are apart.
I’d defo recommend having a convo and see if you can compromise (if you haven’t talked, they may not know it’s an issue)