this channel is a good example of how generalizing entire regions in a pedantic manner for views can warp the viewers mind. there is no more or less envy than any other place just as you travel in a rich part of the city, middle class and lower class. Just more internalization of east asia doom posting from Western perspectives by someone who thinks they can paint a region based with their own biases when in reality East Asians simply dont care about echo chambers created by foreigners for foreigners.
Was compared my entire life, and I would be friendless and hateful my entire life because of it. One day, I think I snapped and compared my parents to the parents of those they compared me to. "Why cant I go to new zealand every year? Why dont I have the newest Iphone every year? Why are their parents never arguing? Why do their parents treat me better than you?" I repeated it non stop, non stop, non stop, until eventually they started crying at some point, because I didnt care what they said. Till today, if they even want to bring anyone to compare me to, I just said "go ahead, make them your kid. See if anyone would want to be"
Please don't do that. I used to be compared a lot and during my teenage years i changed my strategy to make them taste their own medicine. I constantly looked down on my family and always comparing them and criticizing them. I became the BULLY. At the end this behavior almost ruined me. Now as an adult, I'm trying to be more empathetic and nice.
Growing up, I had an academic Asian mother that expected the best from me. High marks in the 90s at least. That was already problematic enough for a kid whose age was in the single digits, but the one time, she pulled me aside and showed me a newspaper article that had the photo of one of my classmates in it. I don't even remember what the article was even about. All I remember was my mother telling me that she wants and expects to see my face in the newspaper someday, just like my classmate. It was such a bizarre expectation that even kid-me knew it was utterly unreasonable and I should not take her words to heart. And the ironic thing is: my mother wasn't even a good student.
Tiger parents are trying to live through their kids. They're insecure about the fact that they were not high achieving kids so they project it onto their kids. My Chinghua and MIT educated dad seldomly compared me to anyone and has never set ridiculous expectations for me. He doesn't need to brag about his kids' achievements, since he can just brag about his.
This hits close to home. There is a lot of time I feel envy and resentment towards other people because of my Chinese upbringing. I feel like I'm never satisfied with my life because there is always someone who is more successful than me. I live in Europe and a lot of my friends can't understand how I really feel due to the lack of cultural upbringing. to I destroyed a few friendships because of the constant envy I feel towards my friends. For example I'm in my 30s and I'm still single while everyone in my surroundings (friends, siblings, relatives etc) are in long term relationship, getting married, buying a home etc. My parents are also nagging me about getting a partner. When one of my close friends who also was chronically single got into a relationship I felt so much resentment that I start being toxic towards them. When they broke up a few months later I felt so much schadenfreude even though it also hurt me to see my friend being heartbroken. I'm trying to work on myself and unlearn this behaviour but is really hard to do since it's wired in my brain.
Im 26 and id say i share a lot of your sentiments due to similar upbringing. However something just snapped in me about 3/4 years ago and ive adapted a not givng a f*** attitude with majority of life. The only thing i lament sometimes about would be the fact that i'm still in college overseas (stayed-back 2 years) while most of my close friends back home are in the work force, getting married, buying houses etc. This in itself is already a huge red flag in the chinese culture, at least in my personal circle. I mean one would only compare themselves with someone better which i dont see it as something bad, it helps you strive for improvements and etc, its the moment when one just sighs and resign to fate and start doubting oneself that i think makes it "toxic"(strong word but i cant find another to express it). Just know that there always will be someone that u think is doing better than yourself but they also have problems that you arent aware of that comes with said success. With regards to the parents, ive come to understand that the nagging would probably not stop but also that it comes with what they think is good intentions. Albeit not pleasant to listen to, i kinda figured to just let it be considering our parents are also growing old and its not worth it getting annoyed and into the multiple heated fights as ive did in the past. p.s. stay strong bro/sis and hope that you find more confidence to realise that you are doing fine as you were
my parents were the opposite, they said mostly bad things about other kids. it gave me the opposite effect. i was selfish and arrogant. terrible social skills. i changed a lot after i realized that those people actually live a better life than me, and everything my parents said was a way to cope with our poor difficult life.
hm, I'd almost argue that both ends of upbringing can result in similar effects. if you're constantly compared to others, one can also start to feel selfish with terrible social skills, because you're always worried about succeeding etc.
That’s interesting. Not common the East but I wonder how frequent this complete opposite approach is in the west. I’m not aware of it from anyone I know but the parents are probably doing this when other adults aren’t around
i had the same experience!! my parents were really poor but they managed to paint the opposite picture for me, where we were actually the better ones than our peers. nasty business
"Moms/dads friends son" - this resonated with me so much. I'm from Eastern Europe and we've got exactly the same issue with one of my parents. I was unfortunate to have one of my parents constantly comparing me to his friends son. When I was 19 y.o. my dad literally told me that at that point (1st year of uni) I should have been already making £5k/mo net at least, otherwise I'm dumb. A few years later, all this comparison extravaganza came up to a point that my dad decided that I'm a complete failure and stopped contact with me/any meaningful conversation whatsoever. I'm in my 30s and I'm still recovering from this, the damage done to psyche is insane. Thank you for your video, hope if could help others to start their journey of healing themselves. Also here's one saying to add to those Asian ones, from Russians: "Не беда что своя корова сдохла, плохо что соседская жива" which translates in English to "It's not a problem that my own cow died; it's bad that the neighbor's is still alive."
In Korea, people will often talk about feeling 눈치 (nunchi) and 남의 시선 (the public gaze) more strongly than in other countries. I really enjoyed this video and think much of the content you produce is incredibly interesting and informative. I've actually used a couple of your videos in my lectures. So, thank you
As a Vietnamese, i always feel incredibly fortunate to have my parents who never compare me with anyone but instead just support me on my path. My friends’s parents are different tho, every time i go hang out at my best friend’s house her mother always publicly shame her and praises me by pushing her down and saying stuff like “ *my name* is such a good student, hope my daughter is like you” till the point our friendship literally became uncomfortable for a while, not telling this story to brag or anything, just my personal experience:) great video!
The fact that you felt like maybe you were bragging says a whole lot about our culture - like some participants said during the social media experiment "I think they posted online to make me jealous". As if we are supposed to be responsible others' negative feelings about us simply living our life. I guess we did learn that by having our own parents tell us that to perform well so they can be happy. Such a sad reality.
Famous Asian American Jonny Kim who is a Harvard Doctor, Navy Seal, Navy Aviator, and NASA Astronaut had a little brother. Jeff Kim, imagine how badly he felt growing up knowing he could never live up to his big brother who is so famous and has so many accolades and titles.
Must have been multiple clones because seriously how would anyone even get the time to pursue all those different careers? Even if I never had to sleep I wouldn’t have enough hours in the day to achieve all that😂
We have the "mom's friend's son" thing in post soviet countries too :D literally it's called the same! And it was definitely employed by my mom, telling me how her colleagues' children were doing so good in school (unlike me) and where better than me at chores etc
Took me up to my mid 20’s before I realize I can just ignore my parents comparisons to others. I’ve been much happier in the past 10 years for doing so.
@@qjtvaddictThis is true I've worked in a few Asian countries like Japan and Korea in a corporate environment and have also worked in the states. And I would say the work environment is tougher in America. I did longer hours in Japan but it was far less intense than when I worked in New York.
Oh my goodness. I have an African family who I was separated from due to complicated reasons, but this was the first thing I noticed. I hadn't seen my family and almost a decade and they immediately started comparing me to my older cousin. I didn't know about this family dynamic so I was a bit confused.
My mom did this a lot. It actually ruined my sister's relationship with with best friend. It got to the point where she started resenting her friend because of my mom's constant comparisons, and it drove a wedge between them that they're still repairing to this day
This video reminds me of a story of a kid in China who was pushed by his mother really hard to become a doctor even though he wanted to become a Designer/Artist (or something similar). He went through medical school and on graduation day he went up to his mother who was overjoyed, gave her the parchment and said "Here you go, you got what you always wanted" then went off to become an Artist (and AFAIK he still hasn't spoken to her). Compare yourself to who you were, not other people.
it is interesting to see different cultures. remember to drink water , also for a longer attention span stop scrolling through the comments and watch the video
Sorry I have not watched the whole video but I would say another crucial outcome of this comparison culture is that a lot of Asians do not treat people whom they deem as "below them", whether it be culturally, economically, or by having a darker skin tone, with the respect they would probably afford for people that tick their boxes of excellence. It's a shame because they position themselves in a constant atmosphere of competition and draw their worth from it but also expect others to participate and experience their life in the same manner.
I was being compared to a NONEXISTENT KID, whos supposed to be on another level, and on another school too, conveniently . my mom (years later) told me it was supposed to make me more diligent & motivated. no, it made my younger years miserable. now she wonders why I rarely visit / call her
Children have an intrinsic need for acceptance. Ideally this would come in the form of unconditional acceptance/love which would communicate to the child that it is allowed to be itself and pursue self expression. But, if the praise/love from the family is contingent on giving the right answer to certain questions (what do you want to be?) it sends the message to the child that to be accepted, which is a just like oxygen and food, you must supress your true self. This leaves the child with 2 options: 1 is to be authentic at the cost of acceptance. 2 is to supress the self in exchange for acceptance. In reality only option 2 is available for the child because children are vurnerable and dependent on their parents for survival. We will therefore always pick to supress ourselves in exchange for our parents acceptance.
so true about the India segment, i think thats where we differ from east asia in terms of comparison behavior/psychology, whereas my chinese and korean colleagues are hellbent on being academically and financially proficient and as a result boost themselves socially, we indians tend to work for social prestige and hierarchal status from the get-go, and we become financially or academically proficient as an unintended side effect, rarely it is both. great video on the plague that is envy
in pakistan we do this too but i think to a lesser extent. its still bad enough that i can’t really talk to my cousins or share my life details with them because they will compare and stir drama to make themselves feel better. they learned this from their parents and environment for sure, and as someone who lives outside the country its a bit annoying seeing people take all joy from what they have by comparing it to others who have more 😭😭
I'm thinking of the Finnish culture. We had something like a "uniculture", a shared, common set of values, etc. I'd say up to the 80's, and still in the 90's, but it was already crumbling down. Guessing my generation (gen X) killed it. However I can't remember that much comparisons. And what usually happened was "this kid can behave well, why can't you". There was deffinitely an idea of good, "real" professions, and good hobbies. Also the idea "what will the neighbors / everyone think" was extremely strong. I guess it might be that we don't explicitly compare due to cultural beliefs. There was an idea that only a certain amount of luck exists in the world, and you could transfer luck from your neighbor to yourself by showing envy, though essentially praising a nice cow the neighbor had. After you envied the neighbor by praising their cow, the said cow might drop dead, because essentially you cast an evil eye. This belief was ancient history already in the 1980's, but I can see reminescents of it. The stereotypical Finnish person is bad at accepting compliments. Meaning we're hard wired to refute any compliment given to us. If you compliment my jacket, I'll respond with "oh, it's just some old rag". This type of response was a way to defend yourself from the neighbor's envy (aka evil eye). Though in reality, in year 2024, I'd respond "thank you" to any compliment. Like said, the culture of the past doesn't exist in such volume anymore. Except when I recently complimented an older person's scarf, and she immediately refuted.x) Anyway in the past people didn't compliment their own kids or anyone else's either. Old people here can get a bit weird about some things, because they never ever received a word of praise in their childhood. Kids were raised to be humble and to conform. Being different was bad, unless there was an acceptable reason, like you are a hard working person, but you do night shifts, so you are living in a different schedule due to work. Need to add: just as a curiosity, during the last Trump presidency there was a poll commissioned by a big news media, that showed Donald Trump had like a 10% approval rate in Finland. 90% of the people here loathed him to some extent. I'd say it's based on our old cultural values, which I just explained. Someone who brags about their achievements, lives in luxury, doesn't do "real work", and lies a lot, just goes so much against the values here. I remember the FB memes comparing Trump to our then president Niinistö, showing our president shoveling snow on the yard of his fairly ordinary looking house. And sitting on a stair as he came too late, so all the seats were already taken, when his poet wife performed at the Helsinki book fair. Seeing our president act like an ordinary person made people proud to be Finnish, and Trump was shown in comparison as the loathsome example.
It's great to live in a small and safe country where politicians and the richest people are and act like normal people. And they can do that without being disturbed by a ton of people in public spaces.
my chinese mother kept comparing me to my cousin, who dropped out of hs because she dislikes studying and she gave some spare money of that waitress job to her family. since we live in italy and degrees do not garantuee a job at all, they thought, unlike usual asian parents, that education is not important and thus they viewed me as an idiot for even going to university. my parents still supported me but wouldn’t stop comparing me to her, who had a job and was just such a perfect child. she randomly got pregnant at 17 and suddenly all comparisons ceased.
I had to almost "get over it" myself. I hate using that phrase because my mom would constantly use it to justify her treatment of me my whole life. I had such a lo self-stemmed growing up. At one point, I broke. Almost ended it all, but thanks to hearing of my friends' own struggle and I hate ending it all without doing anything in life, I stopped. Started listening to advice from people around and...manga/anime (haha yeaaaa I'm a nerd who uses medium to escape to). I just thought to myself one day: why I look up to those heroes in story but never try to become one. I had to re-learn how to forgive myself when things go bad, to reward myself for my own personal achievement no matter how small, to accept that jealousy is normal and to be happy for my friends when they succeed. The most important thing I had to re-learn was how to love myself; and even to this day, sometimes I just hate being me (wish I have a better face, better voice, better drawing skill, etc). It's hard, and I'm still learning everyday. Still, I do get triggered whenever my mom would bring it up; the funny thing is, if I start comparing her, she would get mad and, just like any other humans, come up with justification for it.
For over 20 years, I have lived the life of another. Once I failed to live up to those expectations, I was given the ability to live for myself. The problem was that I never had a self. I never knew myself. I have no wants, needs, and desires. The only thing I can think of is wanting nothing. To feel nothing, see nothing, hear, nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, and think nothing. I am not asking for death or attempting suicide. I simply want to become nothing.
Funnily enough, I never felt envy when my parents compared me to their ACQUAINTANCES’ kids. I mostly felt anger if not apathy towards my parents. I was a terrible test taker all my life, but I still turned out fine. I think what saved me was that none of my kids I was compared to were in my grade level and my actual friends in my grade level were all academically inferior to me, but genuinely appreciated my academic prowess. They reminded me that objectively I was still way up there if I wasn’t competing against the best. I think I would have turned out very differently if I didn’t have non-Asian friends growing up.
Haven't watched the video in full yet, but algo boost. I grew up being compared to my childhood best friend, and that's probably why I can only determine my worth by sizing myself up against other people even as an adult. I can't really bring myself to blame my mom (who did most of the comparing since dad stayed tf out of parenting besides being a breadwinner), because that's the way people treated her all her life. In my brain, I know this is all stupid and wrong. But unlearning something that's been hard coded in your brain isn't a cakewalk
I’d love to see a deep dive on how this compares and contrasts to how this works in South Asian cultures. South Asia is described as an “honor culture” which is very under-researched in comparison to East Asian “face culture,” but the ways in that it is “same-same but different” are very fascinating. Personal experience is that a bit less emphasis is placed on humility and status anxiety is more overt in South Asia but I am not born into either culture, I have just lived in both regions and so have an ‘outside the house looking in’ perspective.
Born and raised in Vietnam, when I was a kid, my parents didn’t compare me to other kids but they constantly told me how rich and successful their friends’ children are. I don’t know whether they want to imply anything but since then I’ve always been jealous of other success/ good things/ luck/ etc as well as have seen myself as failure since I determine I wanna be an artist - which doesn’t guarantee a decent income. Another side effect is that when I was still at school I always tried to get good grades and got in top 3 of the class every year, I found myself successful and would have a good life later on. However since then I have carried this pressure of maintaining this “successful” state. There is a norm for this but I don’t remember the exact word, the concept is generally about high-score kids in school may face difficulties when they realize they are just “ordinary” people in life. In my case I even see myself “mediocre”, this harsh truth has gradually killed my confidence. Till now I still feel it hard to accept the fact that I may just live a normal life, no extreme wealth or high achievements or ambitions. Hope I get to phase that I can truly treasure my point of view or way of living.
THANK YOU I WAS LOOKING FOR THIS DESPERATELY i was deep down quora trying to understand my OWN SOUTH ASIAN culture. I was wondering if I'm crazy or if anyone else has noticed this.
It is disturbing that there is only a few jobs considered successful. As you mentioned there is only so many jobs for doctors, lawyers, and other high level jobs. A kid who studied to have on of those acceptable jobs could end up stuck with a huge debt and nowhere to go because there are no jobs available to him.
This happens a bit in East Europe too, not as much as in Asia but its there, what I hated the most was that my parents would compare me to someone better but when I would say things like well this one classmate got worse grades then me they would fire back with don't compare yourself with other kids, while they would do that all the time it was so infuriating.
*"Haiyaa~ Look at your cousin, he's 10 and he started his own company"* -Asian parents when talking to their child, probably As someone who got compared to other in the childhood, can confirm. It's wild how normal parents to compare their own child to others
Previous long-term partner was east asian. And she (and others I knew) were constantly also comparing their romantic relationships with others. I had a response during a particularly frustrating conversation similar to the clip at the end where I was like "If you like XYZ's way of treating his girlfriend why dont you date him then?"
I used to be very competitive in elementary and middle school, always so envious of other children who were better than me even tho I was consistently in 2nd-3rd place in my class. I grew out of it because I realized my parents were very chill about my grade, as long as I wasn't doing too badly. Having a family who never compare children definitely helped.
I'd also add that the competitive aspect of asian upbringing also explains the lack of emotional connexion between peers, after all if you're competing with everyone then you can't be close to anyone. Especially on the off chance they get better grades than you and become the next example your family uses to illustrate just how better they are at X subject and why you should strive to be like them. Which feeds negative envy and then you end up with friendships that are all about waiting for anything bad happen to the most successful of the group so that the others feel better about themselves.
thank you for the video! i don't think my mom actively compared me or my sister to our peers, but my dad compares us now because HE WANTS GRANDCHILNDER (he was promptly informed that if he wanted grandkids he could birth them himself because we are not doing it in this economy). but i still compare myself to others a lot. when i was a kid there was a huge gap in the level of life between my family and the families of my friends, so the comparisons were kinda inevitable. i mean with time i've learned to distinguish this train of thought and just concluded that "oh, this successful person came from a better environment\had more opportunities growing up etc etc so IT'S OKAY that all this takes more time for you: that's because you had to find and learn it by yourself". the thing that i still can't get over with is comparing how other people cope with different problems, difficulties, fallouts etc. it always seems like everyone does it better than me. HOWEVER. i'm still alive and that's a plus i think, still coping, maybe just not as quickly :)
this is so true. it got to the point that I now have to train myself to celebrate my friend's success and "force" myself to be happy for them, because internally, I was just "taught" differently. I was "taught" that whenever my friends or some other kids do better than me, I should be ashamed that I'm worse than them. That leads to me know feeling envious and some what angry whenever someone is more successful that I have to look for an excuse to say that it's because of luck etc and secretly hope for the downfall. It took me a long time to identify this shadow and now I'm working on improving myself but it's a long journey. Good luck to everyone who feel the same, just know that it's not permanent, you can always be better with enough self reflection :)
Not east Asian but I have been compared but they never really did the justification part. I personally knew the person they compared me to and I started actively hating/resenting that person because it was constantly "so and so is like this", "so and so did that" as if the skills I had over said person didn't exist (the skills my parents relied on because I was always the tech support)(also they did this to my hobbies basically called them cringe). The typical low self esteem thing that was countered by my friends hyping me up. Eventually that resentment I had turned to my father and step-mom. I started ignoring whatever they said, be it compliment or critique because I thought it was a manipulation attempt. Whenever they try to ask me about what I like doing or what I'm thinking about I avoid that question or just answer by saying nothing. As it stands now I'm just waiting for graduation and getting a job so that I can leave. I'd be lying if I said I ever got a compliment on my work or grades, it was always "it's not enough" "you can do more" even though I'd be reaching my personal limit of my abilities or methods (they never gave ways to improve because obviously). Edit: I didn't get a nuclear revenge plan I just shut myself from them, talking but never really letting them near instead trying as hard as possible to give the illusion of closeness. I get irrationally angry at the slightest comparison anyone targets at me and I don't think I can ever get rid of it.
"If I can't have their love, at least I can have their envy" what saddens me is that unlike admiration, envy is often bad for both subjects. Any short-lived feelings of superiority are short lived and unfulfilling.
"There are five dangerous faults which may affect a general: (1) Recklessness, which leads to destruction; (2) cowardice, which leads to capture; (3) a hasty temper, which can be provoked by insults; (4) a delicacy of honor which is sensitive to shame; (5) over-solicitude for his men, which exposes him to worry and trouble." - Sun Tzu (The Art of War)
So absolutely right. I do want to comment while not everyone can be an engineer, doctor, or lawyer, academic endeavor is more "value-added" than striving to be a pro football player or a movie star. Even if the scope of success is wider in the West, it too can be full of family pressure and toxic culture. Along with Buddhism and Taoism, even Confucianism recognize that: in the form that one needs to be true to oneself. Before unification by the Qin 2300 years ago, the way to get ahead is to bring in the head of an enemy; after the unification, not so much. By offering Confucian virtues, and the meritocracy of the Civil Exam, people feel a sense of fairness (though the Civil Exam didn't really start in earnest till the Sui and Tang Dynasty). As you say, under such a system of competition envy is inevitable, but if people think it's fair, it stabilizes the society (i.e. the Ching Dynasty fell 6 years after they abolished the Civil Exam in 1905).
Oh my goodness, this is so real. I’ve lost a ton of friendships from high school bc I was valedictorian and my friends’ parents compared me to my friends so much that the resulting envy caused them to not wqnt to be friends with me anymore. Was it my fault? No! It was envy with constant comparisons from parents. I did become a doctor, “successful “ or whatever that means. But honestly the comparisons from my parents didn’t stop. They keep on talking about the millionaires that their friends’ children have become and then compare that to my university hospital salary, barely 1/5 of what they have. I feel so sad. So then I decided to strike back. I started comparing my parents to others, why they don’t make more money, why don’t they become doctors, etc. they said that they were first degree immigrants and had it way harder (I actually compared them to other first gen immigrants who were doctors). They still protested. There’s no winning…
Oh oh you’re going there 😅. Very interesting. I like how you link the connections between the Asian nations. I marvel at how China tried to adjust the toxic academia thing, as the home of confuscious. S Korea needs some work on this. Nice close. Very well done.
I love your research on all topics. I'm over 50, I have always compared myself but I thought it was a Califirnia 80s thing. I see 2 sides of Japan and Korea, I love them both. One picture is harsh culture and emotional despair, the other picture is beautiful places to enjoy travel! Thank you always.
Tbh I don’t know how but I just grew to not care about comparison after I was getting constantly compared by my friends. Don’t know how but I don’t feel much when people compare me now. Interesting video.
My Parents didnt even do the comparison game that much, but their parents still did it to them, like a whole lot, so despite my parents best efforts I still inherited that kind of mindest anyways.
Walter Mitty has been one of my favourite movies ever since I first watched it, because I knew I related to Walter. This video made it all make SO much more sense.
I'm sorry I know this is off topic but I just have to say it. Your voice is so nice and cool and soothing it sends chills down my spine XD Okay enuf from the random creepo from the comments section. As you were haha
Absolutely fascinating seeing the stark differences in culture from "east" to "west." Also, INVU by Taeyeon is actually a great song, appropriate usage there lol
This is a really good and necessary discussion! I think too, that it is not just East Asian families but affluent western families as well. There is a push to achieve from the successful parents who dread that their children will not do the same or better. They think their children also have resources so why not do well. So children then do multiple activities with children of the same background, and are compared against them. Think private school swim team, ect. 😢 You get scarred from having no real friends!
Yeah, I had low self-esteem as a teen from it. I also have ADHD which went unrecognized. My parents worked alot and I worked on the weekends with them. My dad couldn't help me with homework after around elementary school and it wasn't in all subjects, mainly told me to do my spelling test by writing it and basic math. My dad grew up during the cultural revolution and his family was purged for being labeled the landowner class. He didn't go to school until the 3rd grade due to it. He had to learn the basics in order to score into the 3rd grade from a window as a kid for the village classes for adults because they won't let him inside. They didn't let him enter high school either. So it's part of the reason why he was harsh on education as well.
8:50 I ended up doing a double take 😂 From South East Asia here but the topic is quite relatable lol. Worse even for some of the things you get compared to, they didn't even teach you how to do any of it and they have the gall to compare you with who the heck ever was close enough lmao.
This is definitely not as issue limited to Asia. Here in Australia my parents were terrible for this. I _dreaded_ getting report cards at school because my parents were never satisfied and were always asking why I was wasn’t doing as well as other people in the class. It really stressed me out and upset me. Looking back though, it wasn’t my fault. It was their fault. They were just really bad at parenting. I was always starving at school and underfed. They never taught me anything themselves. How was I supposed to succeed when I had so many more serious problems to focus on than school.
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this channel is a good example of how generalizing entire regions in a pedantic manner for views can warp the viewers mind. there is no more or less envy than any other place just as you travel in a rich part of the city, middle class and lower class. Just more internalization of east asia doom posting from Western perspectives by someone who thinks they can paint a region based with their own biases when in reality East Asians simply dont care about echo chambers created by foreigners for foreigners.
you often put hanzi which is great but i wonder if you also have chinese voiced versions
Easy Asian parents are immature themself. I haven't seen one person who isn't extreme right wing. Even young people.
My grandma always said "Todo o trabalho é digno".
"All work is worthy" or "Every job holds dignity".
Mentirosote
Well, not to the Asians.
my mom said often : « Il n’y a pas de sots métiers, il n’y a que de sots gens » which means : there is no dumb line of work, only dumb people !
An old saying that can be traced back to Aristotle himself.
Todo Aoi
Was compared my entire life, and I would be friendless and hateful my entire life because of it.
One day, I think I snapped and compared my parents to the parents of those they compared me to.
"Why cant I go to new zealand every year? Why dont I have the newest Iphone every year? Why are their parents never arguing? Why do their parents treat me better than you?"
I repeated it non stop, non stop, non stop, until eventually they started crying at some point, because I didnt care what they said. Till today, if they even want to bring anyone to compare me to, I just said "go ahead, make them your kid. See if anyone would want to be"
DAMN critical hit
@@collyflower6623 Yeah. Went for the jugular.
ouuch
Please don't do that. I used to be compared a lot and during my teenage years i changed my strategy to make them taste their own medicine. I constantly looked down on my family and always comparing them and criticizing them. I became the BULLY. At the end this behavior almost ruined me. Now as an adult, I'm trying to be more empathetic and nice.
Taste of their own medicine. But yeah, as long you don't go overboard, you should be fine. But just be careful.
Growing up, I had an academic Asian mother that expected the best from me. High marks in the 90s at least. That was already problematic enough for a kid whose age was in the single digits, but the one time, she pulled me aside and showed me a newspaper article that had the photo of one of my classmates in it. I don't even remember what the article was even about. All I remember was my mother telling me that she wants and expects to see my face in the newspaper someday, just like my classmate. It was such a bizarre expectation that even kid-me knew it was utterly unreasonable and I should not take her words to heart.
And the ironic thing is: my mother wasn't even a good student.
!!!
This is so, so relatable. Most parents (that I know of) like this weren’t good students when they were in school.
Tiger parents are trying to live through their kids. They're insecure about the fact that they were not high achieving kids so they project it onto their kids. My Chinghua and MIT educated dad seldomly compared me to anyone and has never set ridiculous expectations for me. He doesn't need to brag about his kids' achievements, since he can just brag about his.
This hits close to home. There is a lot of time I feel envy and resentment towards other people because of my Chinese upbringing. I feel like I'm never satisfied with my life because there is always someone who is more successful than me. I live in Europe and a lot of my friends can't understand how I really feel due to the lack of cultural upbringing. to I destroyed a few friendships because of the constant envy I feel towards my friends. For example I'm in my 30s and I'm still single while everyone in my surroundings (friends, siblings, relatives etc) are in long term relationship, getting married, buying a home etc. My parents are also nagging me about getting a partner. When one of my close friends who also was chronically single got into a relationship I felt so much resentment that I start being toxic towards them. When they broke up a few months later I felt so much schadenfreude even though it also hurt me to see my friend being heartbroken. I'm trying to work on myself and unlearn this behaviour but is really hard to do since it's wired in my brain.
Im 26 and id say i share a lot of your sentiments due to similar upbringing. However something just snapped in me about 3/4 years ago and ive adapted a not givng a f*** attitude with majority of life. The only thing i lament sometimes about would be the fact that i'm still in college overseas (stayed-back 2 years) while most of my close friends back home are in the work force, getting married, buying houses etc. This in itself is already a huge red flag in the chinese culture, at least in my personal circle.
I mean one would only compare themselves with someone better which i dont see it as something bad, it helps you strive for improvements and etc, its the moment when one just sighs and resign to fate and start doubting oneself that i think makes it "toxic"(strong word but i cant find another to express it). Just know that there always will be someone that u think is doing better than yourself but they also have problems that you arent aware of that comes with said success. With regards to the parents, ive come to understand that the nagging would probably not stop but also that it comes with what they think is good intentions. Albeit not pleasant to listen to, i kinda figured to just let it be considering our parents are also growing old and its not worth it getting annoyed and into the multiple heated fights as ive did in the past.
p.s. stay strong bro/sis and hope that you find more confidence to realise that you are doing fine as you were
its ridiculous how much i relate to this comment
wow you sound toxic as fuck, get help
do you compare yourself to Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos?
Please get some help. I hope you get better. But still a lot of it is still you being toxic to yourself and being terrible to who you call friends.
my parents were the opposite, they said mostly bad things about other kids. it gave me the opposite effect. i was selfish and arrogant. terrible social skills. i changed a lot after i realized that those people actually live a better life than me, and everything my parents said was a way to cope with our poor difficult life.
hm, I'd almost argue that both ends of upbringing can result in similar effects. if you're constantly compared to others, one can also start to feel selfish with terrible social skills, because you're always worried about succeeding etc.
That’s interesting. Not common the East but I wonder how frequent this complete opposite approach is in the west. I’m not aware of it from anyone I know but the parents are probably doing this when other adults aren’t around
Lol
i had the same experience!! my parents were really poor but they managed to paint the opposite picture for me, where we were actually the better ones than our peers. nasty business
"Moms/dads friends son" - this resonated with me so much. I'm from Eastern Europe and we've got exactly the same issue with one of my parents. I was unfortunate to have one of my parents constantly comparing me to his friends son. When I was 19 y.o. my dad literally told me that at that point (1st year of uni) I should have been already making £5k/mo net at least, otherwise I'm dumb. A few years later, all this comparison extravaganza came up to a point that my dad decided that I'm a complete failure and stopped contact with me/any meaningful conversation whatsoever. I'm in my 30s and I'm still recovering from this, the damage done to psyche is insane. Thank you for your video, hope if could help others to start their journey of healing themselves.
Also here's one saying to add to those Asian ones, from Russians:
"Не беда что своя корова сдохла, плохо что соседская жива" which translates in English to "It's not a problem that my own cow died; it's bad that the neighbor's is still alive."
Thanks Russia for this kind of thinking which my country inherited from you :|
In Korea, people will often talk about feeling 눈치 (nunchi) and 남의 시선 (the public gaze) more strongly than in other countries. I really enjoyed this video and think much of the content you produce is incredibly interesting and informative. I've actually used a couple of your videos in my lectures. So, thank you
I love reading your work on Korea Times😊 Keep writing!
Wow I’m very honoured to hear that, thank you David - appreciate it! :)
As a Vietnamese, i always feel incredibly fortunate to have my parents who never compare me with anyone but instead just support me on my path. My friends’s parents are different tho, every time i go hang out at my best friend’s house her mother always publicly shame her and praises me by pushing her down and saying stuff like “ *my name* is such a good student, hope my daughter is like you” till the point our friendship
literally became uncomfortable for a while, not telling this story to brag or anything, just my personal experience:) great video!
The fact that you felt like maybe you were bragging says a whole lot about our culture - like some participants said during the social media experiment "I think they posted online to make me jealous". As if we are supposed to be responsible others' negative feelings about us simply living our life. I guess we did learn that by having our own parents tell us that to perform well so they can be happy. Such a sad reality.
Famous Asian American Jonny Kim who is a Harvard Doctor, Navy Seal, Navy Aviator, and NASA Astronaut had a little brother. Jeff Kim, imagine how badly he felt growing up knowing he could never live up to his big brother who is so famous and has so many accolades and titles.
Must have been multiple clones because seriously how would anyone even get the time to pursue all those different careers? Even if I never had to sleep I wouldn’t have enough hours in the day to achieve all that😂
We have the "mom's friend's son" thing in post soviet countries too :D literally it's called the same! And it was definitely employed by my mom, telling me how her colleagues' children were doing so good in school (unlike me) and where better than me at chores etc
It's always the house chores in post soviet countries haha. It's annoying but not as bas as it's in east asian countries.
Took me up to my mid 20’s before I realize I can just ignore my parents comparisons to others. I’ve been much happier in the past 10 years for doing so.
Being asian is like being born into a constant competition and constantly being exhausted.
Americans: first time???
@@qjtvaddictThis is true I've worked in a few Asian countries like Japan and Korea in a corporate environment and have also worked in the states. And I would say the work environment is tougher in America. I did longer hours in Japan but it was far less intense than when I worked in New York.
Oh my goodness. I have an African family who I was separated from due to complicated reasons, but this was the first thing I noticed. I hadn't seen my family and almost a decade and they immediately started comparing me to my older cousin. I didn't know about this family dynamic so I was a bit confused.
My mom did this a lot. It actually ruined my sister's relationship with with best friend. It got to the point where she started resenting her friend because of my mom's constant comparisons, and it drove a wedge between them that they're still repairing to this day
First 20 seconds of intro and I can already relate as a child of Asian descent
This video reminds me of a story of a kid in China who was pushed by his mother really hard to become a doctor even though he wanted to become a Designer/Artist (or something similar). He went through medical school and on graduation day he went up to his mother who was overjoyed, gave her the parchment and said "Here you go, you got what you always wanted" then went off to become an Artist (and AFAIK he still hasn't spoken to her).
Compare yourself to who you were, not other people.
it is interesting to see different cultures. remember to drink water , also for a longer attention span stop scrolling through the comments and watch the video
you caught me lol
no
Thanks
Don't tell me what to do
Lmao called me out
I had 18 years of therapy and I'm still not fully healed yet.
Sorry I have not watched the whole video but I would say another crucial outcome of this comparison culture is that a lot of Asians do not treat people whom they deem as "below them", whether it be culturally, economically, or by having a darker skin tone, with the respect they would probably afford for people that tick their boxes of excellence. It's a shame because they position themselves in a constant atmosphere of competition and draw their worth from it but also expect others to participate and experience their life in the same manner.
I was being compared to a NONEXISTENT KID, whos supposed to be on another level, and on another school too, conveniently . my mom (years later) told me it was supposed to make me more diligent & motivated. no, it made my younger years miserable. now she wonders why I rarely visit / call her
Children have an intrinsic need for acceptance. Ideally this would come in the form of unconditional acceptance/love which would communicate to the child that it is allowed to be itself and pursue self expression. But, if the praise/love from the family is contingent on giving the right answer to certain questions (what do you want to be?) it sends the message to the child that to be accepted, which is a just like oxygen and food, you must supress your true self. This leaves the child with 2 options: 1 is to be authentic at the cost of acceptance. 2 is to supress the self in exchange for acceptance. In reality only option 2 is available for the child because children are vurnerable and dependent on their parents for survival. We will therefore always pick to supress ourselves in exchange for our parents acceptance.
"and two of us were adopted" 💀
and soon to be disowned :D
I LAUGHED OUT LOUD
That one killed me laughing :D
That got a chuckle out if me
so true about the India segment, i think thats where we differ from east asia in terms of comparison behavior/psychology, whereas my chinese and korean colleagues are hellbent on being academically and financially proficient and as a result boost themselves socially, we indians tend to work for social prestige and hierarchal status from the get-go, and we become financially or academically proficient as an unintended side effect, rarely it is both. great video on the plague that is envy
in pakistan we do this too but i think to a lesser extent. its still bad enough that i can’t really talk to my cousins or share my life details with them because they will compare and stir drama to make themselves feel better. they learned this from their parents and environment for sure, and as someone who lives outside the country its a bit annoying seeing people take all joy from what they have by comparing it to others who have more 😭😭
I'm thinking of the Finnish culture. We had something like a "uniculture", a shared, common set of values, etc. I'd say up to the 80's, and still in the 90's, but it was already crumbling down. Guessing my generation (gen X) killed it.
However I can't remember that much comparisons. And what usually happened was "this kid can behave well, why can't you". There was deffinitely an idea of good, "real" professions, and good hobbies. Also the idea "what will the neighbors / everyone think" was extremely strong.
I guess it might be that we don't explicitly compare due to cultural beliefs. There was an idea that only a certain amount of luck exists in the world, and you could transfer luck from your neighbor to yourself by showing envy, though essentially praising a nice cow the neighbor had. After you envied the neighbor by praising their cow, the said cow might drop dead, because essentially you cast an evil eye. This belief was ancient history already in the 1980's, but I can see reminescents of it. The stereotypical Finnish person is bad at accepting compliments. Meaning we're hard wired to refute any compliment given to us. If you compliment my jacket, I'll respond with "oh, it's just some old rag". This type of response was a way to defend yourself from the neighbor's envy (aka evil eye).
Though in reality, in year 2024, I'd respond "thank you" to any compliment. Like said, the culture of the past doesn't exist in such volume anymore. Except when I recently complimented an older person's scarf, and she immediately refuted.x)
Anyway in the past people didn't compliment their own kids or anyone else's either. Old people here can get a bit weird about some things, because they never ever received a word of praise in their childhood. Kids were raised to be humble and to conform. Being different was bad, unless there was an acceptable reason, like you are a hard working person, but you do night shifts, so you are living in a different schedule due to work.
Need to add: just as a curiosity, during the last Trump presidency there was a poll commissioned by a big news media, that showed Donald Trump had like a 10% approval rate in Finland. 90% of the people here loathed him to some extent. I'd say it's based on our old cultural values, which I just explained. Someone who brags about their achievements, lives in luxury, doesn't do "real work", and lies a lot, just goes so much against the values here.
I remember the FB memes comparing Trump to our then president Niinistö, showing our president shoveling snow on the yard of his fairly ordinary looking house. And sitting on a stair as he came too late, so all the seats were already taken, when his poet wife performed at the Helsinki book fair. Seeing our president act like an ordinary person made people proud to be Finnish, and Trump was shown in comparison as the loathsome example.
It's great to live in a small and safe country where politicians and the richest people are and act like normal people. And they can do that without being disturbed by a ton of people in public spaces.
Congrats on the sponsor and thanks for all the great video essays
my chinese mother kept comparing me to my cousin, who dropped out of hs because she dislikes studying and she gave some spare money of that waitress job to her family. since we live in italy and degrees do not garantuee a job at all, they thought, unlike usual asian parents, that education is not important and thus they viewed me as an idiot for even going to university. my parents still supported me but wouldn’t stop comparing me to her, who had a job and was just such a perfect child. she randomly got pregnant at 17 and suddenly all comparisons ceased.
I had to almost "get over it" myself. I hate using that phrase because my mom would constantly use it to justify her treatment of me my whole life. I had such a lo self-stemmed growing up. At one point, I broke. Almost ended it all, but thanks to hearing of my friends' own struggle and I hate ending it all without doing anything in life, I stopped. Started listening to advice from people around and...manga/anime (haha yeaaaa I'm a nerd who uses medium to escape to). I just thought to myself one day: why I look up to those heroes in story but never try to become one. I had to re-learn how to forgive myself when things go bad, to reward myself for my own personal achievement no matter how small, to accept that jealousy is normal and to be happy for my friends when they succeed. The most important thing I had to re-learn was how to love myself; and even to this day, sometimes I just hate being me (wish I have a better face, better voice, better drawing skill, etc). It's hard, and I'm still learning everyday. Still, I do get triggered whenever my mom would bring it up; the funny thing is, if I start comparing her, she would get mad and, just like any other humans, come up with justification for it.
Before the cafe gets cold was such a lovely book.
being told to only trust negative comments and that positive comments are secretly trying to bring you down is really so sad
I just screamed “LETSS GOO!!!” out loud seeing the notification for this
HAHAHA im so honoured thank you for watching!!
We're reliving our childhood trauma with this one LETSS GOO!!!
@@QuanNguyen-uc2sn LMAO yes painful, yet entertaining :’)
super off topic but it’s so fun seeing how your plant has grown since the last video 🤭
thank youu Klaize!! :)
3:56. To be fair, using Jonny Kim is a dangerous example because his father almost shot him when he was 17.
The police then shot said father to death.
😳
For over 20 years, I have lived the life of another. Once I failed to live up to those expectations, I was given the ability to live for myself. The problem was that I never had a self. I never knew myself. I have no wants, needs, and desires. The only thing I can think of is wanting nothing. To feel nothing, see nothing, hear, nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, and think nothing. I am not asking for death or attempting suicide. I simply want to become nothing.
I hope you can find meaning in something🫂
OUR QUEEEN HAS RETURNED
Funnily enough, I never felt envy when my parents compared me to their ACQUAINTANCES’ kids. I mostly felt anger if not apathy towards my parents. I was a terrible test taker all my life, but I still turned out fine. I think what saved me was that none of my kids I was compared to were in my grade level and my actual friends in my grade level were all academically inferior to me, but genuinely appreciated my academic prowess. They reminded me that objectively I was still way up there if I wasn’t competing against the best.
I think I would have turned out very differently if I didn’t have non-Asian friends growing up.
15:30 Mandarin, Japanese, Korean and English skills
talking about envy - yeeeh, I can relate 💁♂
I have to admit, that transition to the sponsor segment and relating it to the video is both really creative and really funny
THE QUEEN IS BACK
are you saying you support monarchy
Simp!
Haven't watched the video in full yet, but algo boost.
I grew up being compared to my childhood best friend, and that's probably why I can only determine my worth by sizing myself up against other people even as an adult.
I can't really bring myself to blame my mom (who did most of the comparing since dad stayed tf out of parenting besides being a breadwinner), because that's the way people treated her all her life.
In my brain, I know this is all stupid and wrong. But unlearning something that's been hard coded in your brain isn't a cakewalk
9:43 Aini graphic desing is my passion, jk love you
I’d love to see a deep dive on how this compares and contrasts to how this works in South Asian cultures. South Asia is described as an “honor culture” which is very under-researched in comparison to East Asian “face culture,” but the ways in that it is “same-same but different” are very fascinating. Personal experience is that a bit less emphasis is placed on humility and status anxiety is more overt in South Asia but I am not born into either culture, I have just lived in both regions and so have an ‘outside the house looking in’ perspective.
Born and raised in Vietnam, when I was a kid, my parents didn’t compare me to other kids but they constantly told me how rich and successful their friends’ children are. I don’t know whether they want to imply anything but since then I’ve always been jealous of other success/ good things/ luck/ etc as well as have seen myself as failure since I determine I wanna be an artist - which doesn’t guarantee a decent income. Another side effect is that when I was still at school I always tried to get good grades and got in top 3 of the class every year, I found myself successful and would have a good life later on. However since then I have carried this pressure of maintaining this “successful” state. There is a norm for this but I don’t remember the exact word, the concept is generally about high-score kids in school may face difficulties when they realize they are just “ordinary” people in life. In my case I even see myself “mediocre”, this harsh truth has gradually killed my confidence. Till now I still feel it hard to accept the fact that I may just live a normal life, no extreme wealth or high achievements or ambitions. Hope I get to phase that I can truly treasure my point of view or way of living.
Wow you put into words what I have thought about for awhile. The competitive culture is intense
THANK YOU I WAS LOOKING FOR THIS DESPERATELY i was deep down quora trying to understand my OWN SOUTH ASIAN culture. I was wondering if I'm crazy or if anyone else has noticed this.
It is disturbing that there is only a few jobs considered successful. As you mentioned there is only so many jobs for doctors, lawyers, and other high level jobs. A kid who studied to have on of those acceptable jobs could end up stuck with a huge debt and nowhere to go because there are no jobs available to him.
You are brilliant, wise, and wonderful. Truly far more respectable than most people I've met in my life.
This happens a bit in East Europe too, not as much as in Asia but its there, what I hated the most was that my parents would compare me to someone better but when I would say things like well this one classmate got worse grades then me they would fire back with don't compare yourself with other kids, while they would do that all the time it was so infuriating.
*"Haiyaa~ Look at your cousin, he's 10 and he started his own company"* -Asian parents when talking to their child, probably
As someone who got compared to other in the childhood, can confirm. It's wild how normal parents to compare their own child to others
OMGGGG girly you gotta upload more videos, I've already gobbled up all the videos in you channel 💖💖💖💖
Previous long-term partner was east asian. And she (and others I knew) were constantly also comparing their romantic relationships with others. I had a response during a particularly frustrating conversation similar to the clip at the end where I was like "If you like XYZ's way of treating his girlfriend why dont you date him then?"
23:27 No, thank YOU for making such good video essays.
I used to be very competitive in elementary and middle school, always so envious of other children who were better than me even tho I was consistently in 2nd-3rd place in my class. I grew out of it because I realized my parents were very chill about my grade, as long as I wasn't doing too badly. Having a family who never compare children definitely helped.
I'd also add that the competitive aspect of asian upbringing also explains the lack of emotional connexion between peers, after all if you're competing with everyone then you can't be close to anyone. Especially on the off chance they get better grades than you and become the next example your family uses to illustrate just how better they are at X subject and why you should strive to be like them.
Which feeds negative envy and then you end up with friendships that are all about waiting for anything bad happen to the most successful of the group so that the others feel better about themselves.
She did a vid on the lack of emotional connexion
thank you for the video!
i don't think my mom actively compared me or my sister to our peers, but my dad compares us now because HE WANTS GRANDCHILNDER (he was promptly informed that if he wanted grandkids he could birth them himself because we are not doing it in this economy).
but i still compare myself to others a lot. when i was a kid there was a huge gap in the level of life between my family and the families of my friends, so the comparisons were kinda inevitable.
i mean with time i've learned to distinguish this train of thought and just concluded that "oh, this successful person came from a better environment\had more opportunities growing up etc etc so IT'S OKAY that all this takes more time for you: that's because you had to find and learn it by yourself".
the thing that i still can't get over with is comparing how other people cope with different problems, difficulties, fallouts etc. it always seems like everyone does it better than me. HOWEVER. i'm still alive and that's a plus i think, still coping, maybe just not as quickly :)
this is so true. it got to the point that I now have to train myself to celebrate my friend's success and "force" myself to be happy for them, because internally, I was just "taught" differently. I was "taught" that whenever my friends or some other kids do better than me, I should be ashamed that I'm worse than them. That leads to me know feeling envious and some what angry whenever someone is more successful that I have to look for an excuse to say that it's because of luck etc and secretly hope for the downfall. It took me a long time to identify this shadow and now I'm working on improving myself but it's a long journey. Good luck to everyone who feel the same, just know that it's not permanent, you can always be better with enough self reflection :)
Can we normalize just being ourselves?
egotistical asian parents: no
YESSS SHES BACKKK
Not east Asian but I have been compared but they never really did the justification part. I personally knew the person they compared me to and I started actively hating/resenting that person because it was constantly "so and so is like this", "so and so did that" as if the skills I had over said person didn't exist (the skills my parents relied on because I was always the tech support)(also they did this to my hobbies basically called them cringe). The typical low self esteem thing that was countered by my friends hyping me up. Eventually that resentment I had turned to my father and step-mom. I started ignoring whatever they said, be it compliment or critique because I thought it was a manipulation attempt. Whenever they try to ask me about what I like doing or what I'm thinking about I avoid that question or just answer by saying nothing. As it stands now I'm just waiting for graduation and getting a job so that I can leave. I'd be lying if I said I ever got a compliment on my work or grades, it was always "it's not enough" "you can do more" even though I'd be reaching my personal limit of my abilities or methods (they never gave ways to improve because obviously).
Edit: I didn't get a nuclear revenge plan I just shut myself from them, talking but never really letting them near instead trying as hard as possible to give the illusion of closeness. I get irrationally angry at the slightest comparison anyone targets at me and I don't think I can ever get rid of it.
"If I can't have their love, at least I can have their envy"
what saddens me is that unlike admiration, envy is often bad for both subjects. Any short-lived feelings of superiority are short lived and unfulfilling.
Welcome back aini
I deleted all my social media back in high school and I've never looked back. No more Facebook, no more Instagram, no more TikTok.
"There are five dangerous faults which may affect a general:
(1) Recklessness, which leads to destruction;
(2) cowardice, which leads to capture;
(3) a hasty temper, which can be provoked by insults;
(4) a delicacy of honor which is sensitive to shame;
(5) over-solicitude for his men, which exposes him to worry and trouble."
- Sun Tzu (The Art of War)
Competition always, even among brothers and sisters. I'm so tired of it all I'm shutting everyone out of my life
Nice an upload from Aini. Been waiting for your new upload and its meaty content. Nice topic again as always. 🔥
Your videos are so well articulated
So absolutely right. I do want to comment while not everyone can be an engineer, doctor, or lawyer, academic endeavor is more "value-added" than striving to be a pro football player or a movie star. Even if the scope of success is wider in the West, it too can be full of family pressure and toxic culture. Along with Buddhism and Taoism, even Confucianism recognize that: in the form that one needs to be true to oneself. Before unification by the Qin 2300 years ago, the way to get ahead is to bring in the head of an enemy; after the unification, not so much. By offering Confucian virtues, and the meritocracy of the Civil Exam, people feel a sense of fairness (though the Civil Exam didn't really start in earnest till the Sui and Tang Dynasty). As you say, under such a system of competition envy is inevitable, but if people think it's fair, it stabilizes the society (i.e. the Ching Dynasty fell 6 years after they abolished the Civil Exam in 1905).
Oh my goodness, this is so real. I’ve lost a ton of friendships from high school bc I was valedictorian and my friends’ parents compared me to my friends so much that the resulting envy caused them to not wqnt to be friends with me anymore. Was it my fault? No! It was envy with constant comparisons from parents.
I did become a doctor, “successful “ or whatever that means. But honestly the comparisons from my parents didn’t stop. They keep on talking about the millionaires that their friends’ children have become and then compare that to my university hospital salary, barely 1/5 of what they have. I feel so sad.
So then I decided to strike back. I started comparing my parents to others, why they don’t make more money, why don’t they become doctors, etc. they said that they were first degree immigrants and had it way harder (I actually compared them to other first gen immigrants who were doctors). They still protested. There’s no winning…
Oh oh you’re going there 😅.
Very interesting. I like how you link the connections between the Asian nations. I marvel at how China tried to adjust the toxic academia thing, as the home of confuscious. S Korea needs some work on this.
Nice close. Very well done.
Comparison is the theft of joy.
I love your research on all topics. I'm over 50, I have always compared myself but I thought it was a Califirnia 80s thing.
I see 2 sides of Japan and Korea, I love them both. One picture is harsh culture and emotional despair, the other picture is beautiful places to enjoy travel!
Thank you always.
Very well done video! Keep up the good work.
Very smart analysis. I’m subscribing to your channel.
New aini drop 🎉
Tbh I don’t know how but I just grew to not care about comparison after I was getting constantly compared by my friends. Don’t know how but I don’t feel much when people compare me now. Interesting video.
dropping in early to leave a like and a comment for the legendary aini
Wow your pronunciations of Chinese, Korea, and Japanese are fantastic. Kudos!
Love your videos. Glad to have you back.
My Parents didnt even do the comparison game that much, but their parents still did it to them, like a whole lot, so despite my parents best efforts I still inherited that kind of mindest anyways.
damn no respect for the south east Asian parents. Those guys are the real comparators.
Walter Mitty has been one of my favourite movies ever since I first watched it, because I knew I related to Walter. This video made it all make SO much more sense.
INVU as a song choice is genius 😁
Girl I am not even kidding when I say this I was missing your vids so much that I went to chatgpt to search for creators like you. AHHH I am so happyy
stoppp i am so flattered u went to chatgpt HAHA 😭😭 thank u for watching and supporting!! 💗
@@aini_ AHHAAA YOU REPLIED!!!! IT CAN'T GET ANY BETTER💕💕
I love how that snorlax plushie is just 1/3 its way in the frame of the video.
Babe wake up? it’s 1 AM here but Aini, uploaded a video!
The native australian bird sounds in the background is a good touch lol. they can be so friggin loud.
I'm sorry I know this is off topic but I just have to say it. Your voice is so nice and cool and soothing it sends chills down my spine XD Okay enuf from the random creepo from the comments section. As you were haha
"Comparison is the thief of joy in life."
I forget who said that, but it rings true.
the ad read was really funny
Absolutely fascinating seeing the stark differences in culture from "east" to "west." Also, INVU by Taeyeon is actually a great song, appropriate usage there lol
This is a really good and necessary discussion! I think too, that it is not just East Asian families but affluent western families as well. There is a push to achieve from the successful parents who dread that their children will not do the same or better. They think their children also have resources so why not do well. So children then do multiple activities with children of the same background, and are compared against them. Think private school swim team, ect. 😢 You get scarred from having no real friends!
Yeah, I had low self-esteem as a teen from it. I also have ADHD which went unrecognized. My parents worked alot and I worked on the weekends with them. My dad couldn't help me with homework after around elementary school and it wasn't in all subjects, mainly told me to do my spelling test by writing it and basic math.
My dad grew up during the cultural revolution and his family was purged for being labeled the landowner class. He didn't go to school until the 3rd grade due to it. He had to learn the basics in order to score into the 3rd grade from a window as a kid for the village classes for adults because they won't let him inside. They didn't let him enter high school either. So it's part of the reason why he was harsh on education as well.
I'm grateful I was told from youth "Don't compare yourself to others"
8:50 I ended up doing a double take 😂
From South East Asia here but the topic is quite relatable lol. Worse even for some of the things you get compared to, they didn't even teach you how to do any of it and they have the gall to compare you with who the heck ever was close enough lmao.
Babe wake up, new aini vid just dropped
This is definitely not as issue limited to Asia. Here in Australia my parents were terrible for this. I _dreaded_ getting report cards at school because my parents were never satisfied and were always asking why I was wasn’t doing as well as other people in the class. It really stressed me out and upset me. Looking back though, it wasn’t my fault. It was their fault. They were just really bad at parenting. I was always starving at school and underfed. They never taught me anything themselves. How was I supposed to succeed when I had so many more serious problems to focus on than school.
love ur vids aini
probably why east asia has a massive designer luxury market.
First time I’ve been early