I felt like it wasn't safe to be me. I had to be what my family wanted me to be to be accepted. As long as I was caretaking and a yes person I was good. When I said no to anyone in the family, I would be punished.
Same. My mom is still this way and I am 38 years old. If I am taking care of her and her issues, i'm golden. If I say no to any demand or don't immediately read her mind and jump up to "help" (aka do whatever it is for her) or even if I just don't say yes fast enough, I get screamed at, called every name in the book, and told what a horrible person I am for at least an hour afterward. Sometimes it will last days.
It’s taken me almost 40 years to recognise how emotionally unsafe my mother was/is. She was never overtly demeaning or nasty towards me, but extremely passive aggressive and covert in her behaviour which is why, I believe, it took me so long to recognise how toxic she was and how my upbringing affected me. It would’ve been so much easier if she’d been overtly abusive. It’s been such a confusing mess to untangle. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what the label is, because she’ll never seek out help - she’s not the one with the issue, after all. 😑 I now focus on my own healing, and trying to understand how and why her behaviour impacted me and how I can heal from that.
I have had zero contact for 16 years and its the best thing I ever did. I had two therapists actually recommend it. My health was deteriorating and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I could not be a good mother for my children because of my health. I was finally able to get better and move forward. Definitely still have triggers and flashbacks but doing much better at the age of 52.
This video is so well made, but it made me cry. The more videos of yours I watch the more it sinks in that I do have "trauma brain" and that my parents likely have borderline/narcissistic traits. Slowly waking up to this reality and frankly it really hurts.
I’m smack in the middle of dealing with uncovering what is my mom. My therapist suggested she has BPD, and due to this video, I bought the Understanding the boarderline mother book last night. It is quite validating to understand what is going on in her head. I’m in my late 40’s and literally just wrote her a letter a couple months ago attempting to set boundaries with her for the first time in my life. I’ve suffered with severe anxiety my entire life, and i struggle with trusting others. I never understood why I got sick and near panic whenever I went to visit her. I’m effectively in the no contact mode - since a week before Christmas - when i refused to apologize to her for something kind i said that she took wrong; her rage at me was just… incredible. Thanks again for the info, it has been helpful!
Really resonated. My mother denied all her abuse. My mother was great at throwing and breaking things. Which she never cleaned up. We had to. I remember once I broke something my bedroom by accident. When my mother saw it she kept berating me that I broke it on purpose. I hadn't. I was over 50 before I realized that was projection for her own behavior but she would never realize it.
Yes, it's so painful to reflect upon how much we can internalize their struggle and believe it has something to do with us - when it never did. I am so sorry you had to grow up that way and hope you know how worthy you are of healing your heart and life.🙏💗
You bring so much to this community. It's been very hard to find someone who truly understands BPD and actually validates the community of people affected by those who were untreated. I've really needed this channel. Also, The Understanding Children of Borderlines book changed my life when I read it about 3 years ago along with Mothers who can't Love and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, all were extremely validating books, but it took a while to heal the guilt I felt by just reading them. It felt like betrayal just to feel validation from what I read.
Thank you so very much for being here, and for your kind words. Yes, all three of those books are so incredibly helpful and I use them and recommend them almost every day! It's so interesting that even though we know our own experience and story, there's something so incredibly validating to discover that we aren't alone, and that there is a name and reason for our pain. I was so nervous in the beginning to talk about myself, but especially about untreated BPD parents because I don't want to stigmatize, and yet I believe with all my heart that there are millions of humans who've had similar stories. And yes, even reading can feel like betrayal - when I read that it is a reminder of why it's so hard to even explore and validate and try to understand what happened. Thank you so much for sharing and being here.💗🙏
As always, thank you! I’m 20 and recently moved out of my house because one of my therapists had told me they believed my mom has BPD. Because of that therapist and you I’ve really been able to piece together what happened to me and it gives me peace. Often my mom will deny the hurtful things she says to me, and I’ve always tried to figure out if it was gaslighting. Turns out she could be dissociating too. Thank you for giving me peace and making me realize I’m not as crazy or unusual as I thought I was.
My sister and I were discussing our late mother a month ago and she mentioned that our mom was an untreated BPD. Even after having psychology classes in nursing school I still was confused by the diagnosis so when I got home I looked it up and it was a revelation. Luckily I found your videos and have started watching them. Thank you so much for your clear explanations of what all of this involves. My mom wasn’t suicidal or never had drug/alcohol use but she certainly had so many other symptoms. She used to give my sister and I the Silent Treatment for a week or weeks at a time when we were children. The back and forth, good-bad. We were parentified for her bad marriage with our dad. I could go on and on. I will take your suggestions about the books and courses. I wish I had found out sooner when I was younger but finally, the crack of daylight is shining through!
It claimed it was abused as a child but never gave proof, names or details, yet abused all three of its children, yet it is the victim, it never changed, will never change and is deeply sick. Zero sympathy, will never seek treatment. No contact is the only way. Huge sensitivity and compassion was the result of my own recovery. I’m grateful for the masterclass in Knowing what love isn’t so I could find it within myself first, took 45 yrs, it now I’m flourishing at 50. You will too.
I just want to type this early so you read this. You video's have been more valuable to me and given me more understanding then 7 years of visiting several therapists. Five in fact, including other people. Nothing connects more to me then your words. Its simply one of those things in wich i recognize that what is talked about, is about what is inside of me, without a doubt. Thank you so much for doing this, you have a true impact on others.
Thank you so very much. 🙏💗 I went for a walk on the beach yesterday and glanced at my phone, and saw your comment, and as I sat there, I just felt so much gratitude. It's been a long journey for me to even talk about it, let alone to do it in a public format, and knowing that our shared pain helps people feel validated and seen, makes it all so deeply meaningful. That being said, I am so sorry that you've suffered and struggled, because I know if you understand this type of pain and story, it's not been easy. Sending so much healing and support to you today.
@@DrKimSage I hoped you would feel that way, very glad you did. In a way you have managed to reach your full potential by doing helping others with that you have suffered from yourself. I wish one day i would come close to doing something valuable as that myself.
Hi, be great I see a breakdown of emotional abuse, examples… and also the excuse we use as adult children to justify. I.e parents criticise or make fun of us and we say “oh it’s their sense of humour” lots of us don’t know that it is emotional abuse. Thank you.
I have read and learned a lot about BPD and NPD since I walked out of my marriage a year and a half ago. It was so hard to leave because I was/am so in love with him. My husband has untreated BPD traits and so did my step mother so I was constantly triggered. I was the scapegoat as a child so I was always bad. I look forward to reading the books you have suggested. Thank you.🌷
Wow this is such a valuable resource i can't thank you enough for this !! You're such a kind human !!! This was literally my childhood and i still deal with my mom's tantrums as j call it. She refused therapy all her life. I'm iny healing journey and holding a space for good relationship with her. The boundaries have been challenging for her but ultimately she understands.
Thank you for your kinds words and I am so sorry you understand what I am talking about - because I know how painful and complicated it can be. I am so proud of you for holding space for yourself - you were always worthy of it then and you are now. Sending love and healing as you continue your journey!💗🙏
Thanks for being there when I was facing one of my most difficult chapter in my life, my help🤩 in a ever increasing dark world. I would never forget or leave your side in time of tribulations, be to you of wise counsel, comfort and still the racing thoughts. I've been seeing you in the strangest places, and you been on my mind continually for some time. Blue paint, white doctors coat, tube of water with women slowly resending. Then today as I unlocked my phone the key board pop up and in one straight stroke upward your name was spelled perfectly. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you, Wish I knew how to make it up to you
I was beaten and humiliated into a shell shocked cptsd man, but I got through because I got away. No contact. Go deep within your heart and find true self love.
Having a parent with NPD and a parent with BPD is a total nightmare. The BPD woman, for instance,may fully expect the narcissist father to disown and destroy the child or children in order to placate her ego. She has to feel like she is SO important to the other parent, that he will do anything for her and the children will be used as "proof" he loves her more. I went through massive abuse including physical violence. One time they did something so horrible which landed me in the hospital where I almost died. Because she would go into extreme rages, screaming at him about how evil and selfish his daughters are, until he would go crazy and then do to us what she demanded. And then she would join in. If he ever did try to be a good Dad, it would not last because she would get extremely jealous and go into rages, etc. Until she got him riled up and then he would come after me and I would be terrorized.I ended up leaving with nothing but the clothes on my back homeless with no money. I ended up being addicted to self medicating because the pain was so bad I didn't cope well with it at all And if I set a boundary, even a reasonable boundary, which was very rare, they would call CPS, try to take my kid away, and more. They haven't changed. I recommend if anyone has ever experienced something like this, get help for the trauma. I am not saying this to stigmatize people who have cluster b personality disorders, but some people who have these disorders do some really horrific things. It is not a healthy combination either. The borderline step parent, I was referring to, was diagnosed multiple times but she is in denial. The father is also somewhat diagnosed by a psychologist who stated that he may have NPD. But they never get help. They blame us kids. Even though we spent our lives trying to figure out how to get him to love us even just a little bit. I am probably going to have to cut them iff completely. There's absolutely nothing I can do anymore.
I’m at a point now where I struggle to feel bad for myself because everything I’m hearing applies to how I treat others close to me as well as how my mother was toward me growing up. It’s like I am feeling invalidated, that I invalidate myself and my pain because I am putting it on others every day.
I'm a parent with BPD. I had it for 40 years before I was diagnosed. My trauma was sexual abuse by my mother's brother. I was so sick and never knew it. I too was a victim of sexual abuse, abandonment. Having a mother who I was never good enough for. I've never been Narcissistic. I carry the full load of my mistakes. I did my best with what I knew at the time. My heart hurts for my adult children. I've been in therapy since I was diagnosed. Thank God! I now have none of the 9 criteria of BPD. At diagnosis, I had 7 of the nine. Today, I'm doing great, but my kids are so broken from being raised by me. Also, my mother looked me in the eyes, as an adult and told me that I am a Liar! To this day, I'm a liar in her mind.
I have BPD by no fault of my own. I'm a survivor. I pray that my beautiful daughters see a therapist. My heart hurts for them. BPD is a part of us. It is our personality that's BPD and it's not fair for anyone who loves someone with BPD to suffer the consequences of the BPD. Do you understand that we, who have BPD aren't self aware that anything about us is wrong. It's who we are and we don't know any different. It's our "Normal". 😪
@Peg J Thank you for sharing, and I am so sorry for what happened to you in your childhood and life, and for the pain I know you carry in your heart. I so understand that for most people, this type of struggle comes from somewhere, and that they are suffering too. It's a big reason why I was hesitant to share too - not wanting to add more pain and stigma. I understand how deeply complicated it is to identify BPD - both in those who suffer, and for many adult children to try to see it and understand too. I am sorry for all the hurt you carry, and for your daughters, and I truly wish you all so much love and healing. We just need to help people and identify struggles so much earlier, and I know that's a tall order - but I have seen a change in how we talk about childhood trauma and BPD and it is coming more into the light. Please take good care of yourself.💗🙏
My dad would rage at us for hours and hours of the slightest thing. I walk on eggshells around everyone because I’m not sure what might set some people off.
Do we always unintentionally choose narcissistic partners? Like, when we are unaware of what happened, and had not gone through therapy, is it possible that we could choose a healthy partner? Like I'd be curious to know what the percentages of that are.
I think diagnosis is a nice starting point but as with my mother there can be very mixed types and I don't think that we can at this point rule out brain injuries either. My mother took a bad fall down stairs in nursing school and may have had a frontal lobes injury. She seemed to lie about things for no reason, suggesting she didn't really know the answer. Near the end of her life we began to wonder if multiple personality was another issue. Schizophrenia ran in her family. She was definitely a Narcissist and was happiest dancing before a crowd in her 20's when she wanted to go to NYC. Throw in temperament of both the mother and child and yet another issue enters the picture.
I just love you, Dr. Kim Sage. You hit the nail on the head!
I felt like it wasn't safe to be me. I had to be what my family wanted me to be to be accepted. As long as I was caretaking and a yes person I was good. When I said no to anyone in the family, I would be punished.
I am so sorry you had to grow up without being able to just be safely yourself. Sending love and healing to you.🙏💗
Same. My mom is still this way and I am 38 years old. If I am taking care of her and her issues, i'm golden. If I say no to any demand or don't immediately read her mind and jump up to "help" (aka do whatever it is for her) or even if I just don't say yes fast enough, I get screamed at, called every name in the book, and told what a horrible person I am for at least an hour afterward. Sometimes it will last days.
I am living it😢 How to escape? I am the only child left to take care of them. They all got sick of the verbal and emotional abuse.
It’s taken me almost 40 years to recognise how emotionally unsafe my mother was/is. She was never overtly demeaning or nasty towards me, but extremely passive aggressive and covert in her behaviour which is why, I believe, it took me so long to recognise how toxic she was and how my upbringing affected me. It would’ve been so much easier if she’d been overtly abusive. It’s been such a confusing mess to untangle. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what the label is, because she’ll never seek out help - she’s not the one with the issue, after all. 😑 I now focus on my own healing, and trying to understand how and why her behaviour impacted me and how I can heal from that.
I have had zero contact for 16 years and its the best thing I ever did. I had two therapists actually recommend it. My health was deteriorating and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I could not be a good mother for my children because of my health. I was finally able to get better and move forward. Definitely still have triggers and flashbacks but doing much better at the age of 52.
This is the one!!!! I appreciate you for this video.
This video is so well made, but it made me cry. The more videos of yours I watch the more it sinks in that I do have "trauma brain" and that my parents likely have borderline/narcissistic traits. Slowly waking up to this reality and frankly it really hurts.
I am so sorry. I know it's very painful and I am sorry to make you cry. I hope you know that you and your tears are worthy of healing.🙏💗
Hi Emily, I'm in the same boat ;/
I’m smack in the middle of dealing with uncovering what is my mom. My therapist suggested she has BPD, and due to this video, I bought the Understanding the boarderline mother book last night. It is quite validating to understand what is going on in her head.
I’m in my late 40’s and literally just wrote her a letter a couple months ago attempting to set boundaries with her for the first time in my life. I’ve suffered with severe anxiety my entire life, and i struggle with trusting others. I never understood why I got sick and near panic whenever I went to visit her. I’m effectively in the no contact mode - since a week before Christmas - when i refused to apologize to her for something kind i said that she took wrong; her rage at me was just… incredible. Thanks again for the info, it has been helpful!
Really resonated. My mother denied all her abuse. My mother was great at throwing and breaking things. Which she never cleaned up. We had to. I remember once I broke something my bedroom by accident. When my mother saw it she kept berating me that I broke it on purpose. I hadn't. I was over 50 before I realized that was projection for her own behavior but she would never realize it.
Yes, it's so painful to reflect upon how much we can internalize their struggle and believe it has something to do with us - when it never did. I am so sorry you had to grow up that way and hope you know how worthy you are of healing your heart and life.🙏💗
You bring so much to this community. It's been very hard to find someone who truly understands BPD and actually validates the community of people affected by those who were untreated.
I've really needed this channel.
Also, The Understanding Children of Borderlines book changed my life when I read it about 3 years ago along with Mothers who can't Love and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, all were extremely validating books, but it took a while to heal the guilt I felt by just reading them. It felt like betrayal just to feel validation from what I read.
Thank you so very much for being here, and for your kind words. Yes, all three of those books are so incredibly helpful and I use them and recommend them almost every day! It's so interesting that even though we know our own experience and story, there's something so incredibly validating to discover that we aren't alone, and that there is a name and reason for our pain. I was so nervous in the beginning to talk about myself, but especially about untreated BPD parents because I don't want to stigmatize, and yet I believe with all my heart that there are millions of humans who've had similar stories. And yes, even reading can feel like betrayal - when I read that it is a reminder of why it's so hard to even explore and validate and try to understand what happened. Thank you so much for sharing and being here.💗🙏
As always, thank you! I’m 20 and recently moved out of my house because one of my therapists had told me they believed my mom has BPD. Because of that therapist and you I’ve really been able to piece together what happened to me and it gives me peace. Often my mom will deny the hurtful things she says to me, and I’ve always tried to figure out if it was gaslighting. Turns out she could be dissociating too. Thank you for giving me peace and making me realize I’m not as crazy or unusual as I thought I was.
ım 19 and feel you so much , wish you the best you are not alone
My sister and I were discussing our late mother a month ago and she mentioned that our mom was an untreated BPD. Even after having psychology classes in nursing school I still was confused by the diagnosis so when I got home I looked it up and it was a revelation. Luckily I found your videos and have started watching them. Thank you so much for your clear explanations of what all of this involves. My mom wasn’t suicidal or never had drug/alcohol use but she certainly had so many other symptoms. She used to give my sister and I the Silent Treatment for a week or weeks at a time when we were children. The back and forth, good-bad. We were parentified for her bad marriage with our dad. I could go on and on. I will take your suggestions about the books and courses. I wish I had found out sooner when I was younger but finally, the crack of daylight is shining through!
It claimed it was abused as a child but never gave proof, names or details, yet abused all three of its children, yet it is the victim, it never changed, will never change and is deeply sick. Zero sympathy, will never seek treatment. No contact is the only way. Huge sensitivity and compassion was the result of my own recovery. I’m grateful for the masterclass in Knowing what love isn’t so I could find it within myself first, took 45 yrs, it now I’m flourishing at 50. You will too.
I just want to type this early so you read this. You video's have been more valuable to me and given me more understanding then 7 years of visiting several therapists. Five in fact, including other people. Nothing connects more to me then your words. Its simply one of those things in wich i recognize that what is talked about, is about what is inside of me, without a doubt.
Thank you so much for doing this, you have a true impact on others.
Thank you so very much. 🙏💗 I went for a walk on the beach yesterday and glanced at my phone, and saw your comment, and as I sat there, I just felt so much gratitude. It's been a long journey for me to even talk about it, let alone to do it in a public format, and knowing that our shared pain helps people feel validated and seen, makes it all so deeply meaningful. That being said, I am so sorry that you've suffered and struggled, because I know if you understand this type of pain and story, it's not been easy. Sending so much healing and support to you today.
@@DrKimSage I hoped you would feel that way, very glad you did. In a way you have managed to reach your full potential by doing helping others with that you have suffered from yourself. I wish one day i would come close to doing something valuable as that myself.
I absolutely do not feel that I belong anywhere ever always the outcast
Me too. Such a painful feeling
Yes
Same.
Hi, be great I see a breakdown of emotional abuse, examples… and also the excuse we use as adult children to justify. I.e parents criticise or make fun of us and we say “oh it’s their sense of humour” lots of us don’t know that it is emotional abuse. Thank you.
Thank you. This is SO helpful. Both my parents had significant difficulties. Still trying to sort it all out. Silent treatment was the favorite.
I have read and learned a lot about BPD and NPD since I walked out of my marriage a year and a half ago. It was so hard to leave because I was/am so in love with him. My husband has untreated BPD traits and so did my step mother so I was constantly triggered. I was the scapegoat as a child so I was always bad. I look forward to reading the books you have suggested. Thank you.🌷
Wow this is such a valuable resource i can't thank you enough for this !! You're such a kind human !!! This was literally my childhood and i still deal with my mom's tantrums as j call it. She refused therapy all her life. I'm iny healing journey and holding a space for good relationship with her. The boundaries have been challenging for her but ultimately she understands.
Thank you for your kinds words and I am so sorry you understand what I am talking about - because I know how painful and complicated it can be. I am so proud of you for holding space for yourself - you were always worthy of it then and you are now. Sending love and healing as you continue your journey!💗🙏
Thanks for being there when I was facing one of my most difficult chapter in my life, my help🤩 in a ever increasing dark world. I would never forget or leave your side in time of tribulations, be to you of wise counsel, comfort and still the racing thoughts. I've been seeing you in the strangest places, and you been on my mind continually for some time. Blue paint, white doctors coat, tube of water with women slowly resending. Then today as I unlocked my phone the key board pop up and in one straight stroke upward your name was spelled perfectly. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you, Wish I knew how to make it up to you
I was beaten and humiliated into a shell shocked cptsd man, but I got through because I got away. No contact. Go deep within your heart and find true self love.
Having a parent with NPD and a parent with BPD is a total nightmare. The BPD woman, for instance,may fully expect the narcissist father to disown and destroy the child or children in order to placate her ego. She has to feel like she is SO important to the other parent, that he will do anything for her and the children will be used as "proof" he loves her more. I went through massive abuse including physical violence. One time they did something so horrible which landed me in the hospital where I almost died. Because she would go into extreme rages, screaming at him about how evil and selfish his daughters are, until he would go crazy and then do to us what she demanded. And then she would join in. If he ever did try to be a good Dad, it would not last because she would get extremely jealous and go into rages, etc. Until she got him riled up and then he would come after me and I would be terrorized.I ended up leaving with nothing but the clothes on my back homeless with no money. I ended up being addicted to self medicating because the pain was so bad I didn't cope well with it at all
And if I set a boundary, even a reasonable boundary, which was very rare, they would call CPS, try to take my kid away, and more. They haven't changed. I recommend if anyone has ever experienced something like this, get help for the trauma. I am not saying this to stigmatize people who have cluster b personality disorders, but some people who have these disorders do some really horrific things. It is not a healthy combination either. The borderline step parent, I was referring to, was diagnosed multiple times but she is in denial. The father is also somewhat diagnosed by a psychologist who stated that he may have NPD. But they never get help. They blame us kids. Even though we spent our lives trying to figure out how to get him to love us even just a little bit. I am probably going to have to cut them iff completely. There's absolutely nothing I can do anymore.
I’m at a point now where I struggle to feel bad for myself because everything I’m hearing applies to how I treat others close to me as well as how my mother was toward me growing up. It’s like I am feeling invalidated, that I invalidate myself and my pain because I am putting it on others every day.
Thank you for all the wonderful videos on BPD/NPD parents
You are so welcome! Thank you so much for being here with me:)
@@DrKimSage No problem :)
Great video, Dr. Sage! You're on fire these days!
I'm a parent with BPD. I had it for 40 years before I was diagnosed. My trauma was sexual abuse by my mother's brother. I was so sick and never knew it. I too was a victim of sexual abuse, abandonment. Having a mother who I was never good enough for. I've never been Narcissistic. I carry the full load of my mistakes. I did my best with what I knew at the time. My heart hurts for my adult children. I've been in therapy since I was diagnosed. Thank God! I now have none of the 9 criteria of BPD. At diagnosis, I had 7 of the nine. Today, I'm doing great, but my kids are so broken from being raised by me. Also, my mother looked me in the eyes, as an adult and told me that I am a Liar! To this day, I'm a liar in her mind.
I have BPD by no fault of my own. I'm a survivor. I pray that my beautiful daughters see a therapist. My heart hurts for them. BPD is a part of us. It is our personality that's BPD and it's not fair for anyone who loves someone with BPD to suffer the consequences of the BPD. Do you understand that we, who have BPD aren't self aware that anything about us is wrong. It's who we are and we don't know any different. It's our "Normal". 😪
@Peg J Thank you for sharing, and I am so sorry for what happened to you in your childhood and life, and for the pain I know you carry in your heart. I so understand that for most people, this type of struggle comes from somewhere, and that they are suffering too. It's a big reason why I was hesitant to share too - not wanting to add more pain and stigma. I understand how deeply complicated it is to identify BPD - both in those who suffer, and for many adult children to try to see it and understand too. I am sorry for all the hurt you carry, and for your daughters, and I truly wish you all so much love and healing. We just need to help people and identify struggles so much earlier, and I know that's a tall order - but I have seen a change in how we talk about childhood trauma and BPD and it is coming more into the light. Please take good care of yourself.💗🙏
“Attuned”….. I’ve been looking for the correct word for a long time
Yes, attunement is what makes us feel seen and heard, and it's so important💗
Great info. Thank you so much.
My dad would rage at us for hours and hours of the slightest thing. I walk on eggshells around everyone because I’m not sure what might set some people off.
Me too 😭
Do we always unintentionally choose narcissistic partners? Like, when we are unaware of what happened, and had not gone through therapy, is it possible that we could choose a healthy partner? Like I'd be curious to know what the percentages of that are.
Thank you
I think diagnosis is a nice starting point but as with my mother there can be very mixed types and I don't think that we can at this point rule out brain injuries either. My mother took a bad fall down stairs in nursing school and may have had a frontal lobes injury. She seemed to lie about things for no reason, suggesting she didn't really know the answer. Near the end of her life we began to wonder if multiple personality was another issue. Schizophrenia ran in her family. She was definitely a Narcissist and was happiest dancing before a crowd in her 20's when she wanted to go to NYC. Throw in temperament of both the mother and child and yet another issue enters the picture.