I feel like I'm not a part of his life, I'm participating in his dreams and his interests but not actively participating with him because I have no idea what's next, he just does it and I react. I don't really have input (how do you read someone else's mind), I have to dig if I want to know anything. Kind of like how was your day? Fine. Anything fun happen today? Not really. If we sat down to have a cup of coffee together to talk about where we're going as a couple in this life he would know where he was going and not bring it up and I would be babbling endlessly and wonder if he even heard a word I said. Maybe not wonder, if I had to guess, he already has his plan and he's fulfilling his obligation to sit down and have coffee. It's that participation thing, I'm just kind of along for the ride. That thing you might fantasize about is just that for me, I already know every guy I ever dated was either a narcissist or aspie anyone else that might have been in my life that I would consider normal was short lived enough that I couldn't tell you if they could be considered normal or not. I love him for so many reasons, but yes it's insanely lonely, we lack something I've never had. You're looking great by the way!
I really appreciate your continued contribution and discussions. Makes me feel heard and I hear you :) We had that exact experience recently, sitting down together, talking about our futures and me saying I never really feel like I know him, and I don't think we'll ever really know each other. It's surface level stuff, yet I do stiff like him. I did have regular/normal boyfriends and it wasn't always rainbows and sunshine, however, they were warmer, closer, more affectionate. I'm not sure having had that for myself works in my favour or makes things worse. Maybe I would feel better if this was all I'd ever known? Yet there seems to be something about the human psyche that has us knowing we feel lonely even if it's all we've ever known. It seems to be instinctive.
@myntndmarriage yes, probably instinctive. I also know how I feel when I'm around friends, I imagine it to be even better than that. I've been looking into micro dosing for my ptsd, it shows some promising improvements for those who have it, although they call it cassandra syndrome in the aspie world, I would say it's pretty darn close to PTSD. Have you ever done any research into this? It's all legal here in Colorado if it's not legal there then we probably shouldn't talk about it 🤣 but anyway I've been thinking more about me lately, see what I can do to just "snap out" of this sometimes depression, sometimes anxiety, sometimes..... I would just love to be cured of my shit or at least lessen some of this crap in my head. I don't think I'll ever give up trying to find some cure, it gives me hope 😁
@@MonaSimply They also call is CPTSD (complex PTSD: a situation that causes continued trauma). I'm not familiar with micro dosing (not sure if it's legal here or not), yet I fully understand your need to think about yourself, your needs, and what you can do to improve your life. As hard as it is, you can only work on yourself because your husband and your situation can't be changed, so you need to find ways to move forward and find happiness, and whatever helps to keep your hope alive.
@myntndmarriage yes ma'am that's the goal! Micro dosing is magic 🍄 in very small doses where it doesn't make you hallucinate. A lot of people say it's like a brain reset. I think you do it for a month straight. I don't know anyone personally that has done this but it seems promising.
I feel like I'm not a part of his life, I'm participating in his dreams and his interests but not actively participating with him because I have no idea what's next, he just does it and I react. I don't really have input (how do you read someone else's mind), I have to dig if I want to know anything. Kind of like how was your day? Fine. Anything fun happen today? Not really. If we sat down to have a cup of coffee together to talk about where we're going as a couple in this life he would know where he was going and not bring it up and I would be babbling endlessly and wonder if he even heard a word I said. Maybe not wonder, if I had to guess, he already has his plan and he's fulfilling his obligation to sit down and have coffee. It's that participation thing, I'm just kind of along for the ride.
That thing you might fantasize about is just that for me, I already know every guy I ever dated was either a narcissist or aspie anyone else that might have been in my life that I would consider normal was short lived enough that I couldn't tell you if they could be considered normal or not.
I love him for so many reasons, but yes it's insanely lonely, we lack something I've never had.
You're looking great by the way!
I really appreciate your continued contribution and discussions. Makes me feel heard and I hear you :)
We had that exact experience recently, sitting down together, talking about our futures and me saying I never really feel like I know him, and I don't think we'll ever really know each other. It's surface level stuff, yet I do stiff like him.
I did have regular/normal boyfriends and it wasn't always rainbows and sunshine, however, they were warmer, closer, more affectionate. I'm not sure having had that for myself works in my favour or makes things worse. Maybe I would feel better if this was all I'd ever known? Yet there seems to be something about the human psyche that has us knowing we feel lonely even if it's all we've ever known. It seems to be instinctive.
@myntndmarriage yes, probably instinctive. I also know how I feel when I'm around friends, I imagine it to be even better than that. I've been looking into micro dosing for my ptsd, it shows some promising improvements for those who have it, although they call it cassandra syndrome in the aspie world, I would say it's pretty darn close to PTSD. Have you ever done any research into this? It's all legal here in Colorado if it's not legal there then we probably shouldn't talk about it 🤣 but anyway I've been thinking more about me lately, see what I can do to just "snap out" of this sometimes depression, sometimes anxiety, sometimes..... I would just love to be cured of my shit or at least lessen some of this crap in my head. I don't think I'll ever give up trying to find some cure, it gives me hope 😁
@@MonaSimply They also call is CPTSD (complex PTSD: a situation that causes continued trauma). I'm not familiar with micro dosing (not sure if it's legal here or not), yet I fully understand your need to think about yourself, your needs, and what you can do to improve your life. As hard as it is, you can only work on yourself because your husband and your situation can't be changed, so you need to find ways to move forward and find happiness, and whatever helps to keep your hope alive.
@myntndmarriage yes ma'am that's the goal! Micro dosing is magic 🍄 in very small doses where it doesn't make you hallucinate. A lot of people say it's like a brain reset. I think you do it for a month straight. I don't know anyone personally that has done this but it seems promising.