It's incredible because I actually described gender dysphoria as similar to body horror to my brother just a couple weeks ago to try to get it across, and now I get recommended this video lol.
@@xioyz some dude once asked me, while I was pregnant, what it felt like. I get annoyed with the saccharine, sentimental descriptions of pregnancy that wash away all the mess, anxiety, and horror of complications (that can sometimes be life-threatening), so I described to him in terms of horror films. "Well, it feels like I have something growing and crawling around under my skin, feeding on the nutrients I take in." He recoiled, exclaiming "Why'd you say it like that?!" The more you delve into the biology of pregnancy, the more it reveals itself to be body horror, an intruder that your body tries to fight against, that manipulates your immune system to be less responsive overall, that demands nutrients from the host (in the case of calcium, some women even experience an increase of cavities and loss of bone density as the fetus leeches calcium from the woman's very bones when it doesn't receive enough for itself). Pregnancy is the oldest body horror.
@@Nightriser271828 you’re so hardcore for this omg i respect you so much for that. i understand pregnancy can be horrifying but sweet and worth it for many, but it’s true that the more i know about how it works the more i never want to go through it.
People also underestimate how many adult cis people experience body dysphoria. I know several people who won’t even leave their house unless it’s a special occasion because they’re so horrified by their own body and don’t have the means to change it. Even more cis people don’t visit the pool because the thought alone of being almost naked around other people, friends and strangers alike, is mortifying. So it’s no surprise that cis and trans people find the same body horror relatable.
i believe that would be body dysmorphia, rather than dysphoria, as the latter relates to feeling uncomfortable in your body due to your sex, while the former refers to an irrational focus on some sort of bodily flaw, whether real or imagined. there are some key differences, which i say as someone who has experienced both, but i completely agree that most people these days can relate to hating their own body, no matter the specifics. edit: oh god this is so old. i don't care. i know people use body dysphoria (which i only knew of as relating to gender) to refer to dysmorphia.
@@Leo-gq1yiactually body dysphoria is any discomfort with your body. gender dysphoria is the one that is specifically related to sex. Meanwhile body dysmorphia is seeing your body differently than it actually is for example people with anorexia may see themselves as fat no matter how skinny they get that is body dysmorphia
@@cold5529 while what you said does align with the definition of dysphoria, body dysphoria is used almost exclusively to refer to a subtype of gender dysphoria
@@Kelly_Jane The definition of a cis person is someone whose gender and body are in alignment. While I wouldn’t deny anyone the right to call themself cis if they do experience gender dysphoria, as they may not feel that transition is the right solution for them, I don’t think that’s what the original commenter was talking about.
"Your Body is Not Your Body" is a body horror anthology book written by trans authors. All of its stories are built around the concept of gender being portrayed as body horror, the stories are wildly creative and unique. The story I found the most well written within it was "We've Been Trying to Reach You" by Charles Maria Tor, and the one I found most creative was "Tonsilstonespunksplatter666!" by Rain Corbyn. I would really suggest anyone who's interested in gender as body horror to read it
Aw thank you, I’ve rewritten We’ve Been Trying to Reach you multiple times since in anticipation of making a collection of my short stories. I felt that the silliness I tried to inject didn’t hit right and that the interaction with the cop needed a bit more fear. Also Rain and I are pals now and this comment is going to our heads.
@@Reed5016as stated, nothing in this world is homogenous. I'll describe my own experience as an example for how gender dysphoria can vary. I'm nonbinary and sometimes I'm lucky and don't have gender dysphoria at all, most times I have some level of gender dysphoria but I can handle it by making changes to how I dress or change how my face looks like with makeup, sometimes rarely it gets so bad I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to mutilate my own body. For me, my gender doesn't change but my gender expression does, and with that the level of gender dysphoria I experience changes. I feel most at home with my own body when I think I look gender ambiguous on some level, and it has taken a long time for me to get to the point where I can comfortably say my own definitions for femininity and masculinity are enough, that I don't have to conform to what other people say I should look like as a nonbinary person.
“Being a girl doesn’t come naturally to anyone. It is a skill that is trained over time and takes a tremendous amount of effort.” Oof, that’s it exactly. It’s exhausting to play “girl”.
Inside Mari was so relateable to hear as a trans masc person. Hearing him close his eyes in the shower to protect her is oddly so comforting to hear because I've always done that. Like I've thought of myself as almost being two separate people. Im a man/manish person stuck inside this really pretty womans body. Most days I don't want to transition because I feel like I'm hurting her body and it's already such a nice body and such a good looking person that I in some ways feel guilty at the idea of doing so. But I'm tired of being seen as her. I am not her. I'm just living within her body. I like dressing up in what would suit her and what looks nice on her but I'm uncomfortable with how nobody sees me. They just see this beautiful figure and assume I'd act like what they have set in their minds but I don't. I never do. And that part makes them uncomfortable. They hear a man but see a woman.
I wish I could detach and view my body as someone else. I wish I could dress it up nicely the way the average person wants to see it without feeling disgusted. I wish I could appreciate it for how it is now without the incessant need to change it. However...
The good thing is that the body you inhabit is always changing regardless. Bodies are tools that are meant to be used to interact with the world around them. They pick up scars, moles, wrinkles, and creaky joints over time because that’s what they are there for-to be used. Some women (or other folks with uteruses) take their young, fairly pristine bodies and undergo pregnancy knowing that afterwards they might always have some stretch marks, loose skin, and pee a little when they laugh. Might not be “pristine” anymore, but the reward of life was worth it. Many people wear out their bodies doing sports they love, exploring the world, protecting those they love, or working hard to build a life. That’s fine-a well-loved tool will show some wear. Even if you are very careful, we all feel the effects of age as our skin sags and wrinkles and our joints make weird crunching noises. Entropy will get us all in old age eventually. Some see their bodies as a canvas to decorate with piercings, tattoos, or accidental scars that make good stories of a life well lived. That’s fine too. You get to do whatever you want with your body, because it’s yours and no one else’s. Your body exists to be used for living your life. Whatever you choose to do with it, you aren’t ruining it or tarnishing it. You’re using your body to live the life you want. If you decide to medically transition at some point in the future, that’s just another way of using your body to serve its purpose as the connection between your mind and the world so that you can interact with the outside in a way that feels right and comfortable for you. It’s interesting that you characterize “her” as someone you are trying to protect, when it could also be seen the other way around. Even if you want to make your body more physically masculine, you can still feel gratitude to your former feminine body for serving you in the meantime; she served her purpose of taking care of you until you got the chance to be your true self. She did her job and held you and kept you as safe as she could until it was time for her to retire and for him to take up the role of your body instead. I hope this makes sense, I got a bit too poetic there with the allegory.
Absolutely no behavior or clothing is intrinsically feminine or masculine. Being a girl and having """masculine""" attitudes does not make you stop being a girl. That's just the opinion of others about how a woman should behave, but there really isn't any standard or restriction on how people of any gender should behave. It's okay to """behave like a man""" being a girl. You are not letting anyone down and if someone is disappointed with that then it is a douchebag who puts their expectations of how woman "should" act on you
The analysis on “Welcome back Alice” hit me the feels so hard, and in the good kind. I’ve felt like that for like years, and that might be first time something has “validated” these feelings. I honestly wish I could just say something with certainty about my gender related issues.
I always thought that gender dysphoria is basically body horror... Edit: HOW DID I GET SO MANY LIKES LITERALLY COMMENTED THIS BEFORE WATCHING THE VIDEO
This video made me realize why I have a fascination with transformation. Ever since I was a kid I daydreamed about turning into a dragon, and it was as simple as "because it's cool" in the same way I liked Pokemon. But even if it was "just cool" when I was young, it's not just that now. It's the idea of limitless potential with a nonrestrictive body- one where I can be literally anything, gender be damned.
when i was little i read allll of the goosebumps books and my favourite ones all had transformation - also roald dahl's the witches and ofc animorphs reading turned me trans and furry smhh
Same here, and it never really went away for me… my favourite heroes were always those who somehow transformed into a new form, I read all the goosebumps books where they transformed into something new, you get the point. Maybe obsession with transformation is more of a queer thing than i thought!
@@Eosinophyllis yes!! Link from twilight princess, Sonic Unleashed, etc. I only read "my friends call me monster" as far as goosebumps stories go, but I was obsessed with it.
@@doukzu far too relatable! I was obsessed with this one goosebumps book where a guy was actually a dog and had been given some sort of medication to keep him in a human form and read almost none of the other ones (I’m pretty sure there was one about a doll too). While most would find that horrifying, there was a certain sort of odd comfort in that for me.
Honestly, "body horror" might be the best way to describe how it feels to be trans, at least for me. Being forced to act like nothing is wrong, while your body slowly changes into a shape that isn't you anymore, being the only that sees that this isn't you... That's just plain horrifying. And the fact that people look at you as something else, some abomination that shouldn't be, as you try to change this body you were stuck in, only makes it worse. That people you love might turn your backs on you for trying to change into you... It pisses me off that in so many horror stories, trans people are made out to be the bad guys, when we're more likely to be the victims, as well as the badass people who manage to get through all the horrifying bullsh*t we have to deal with in our lives, often all by ourselves. Watching this made me hopeful in a way, feel understood, but also makes me want to start focusing my writing on the horror of this situation, as soon as I'm comfortable enough to actually face the subject. This might just make people be able to better understand.
This kind of analysis made me think of Tusk, Frankenstein, and The Thing. Becoming soemthing you're not, becoming a monster, and not being able to do anything about it
I'm so struck watching this by the overlap between transhumanist literature and body horror literature-- if the transhumanist explores the idea that leaving behind our physical is essential/inevitable to the future of humanity, body horror is in conversation with that, forcing us to sit in the most uncomfortable parts of being flesh. Another banger Ricki, this one might be my fav so far!!
I don't know if you've played it but there is a short-ish VN that hits a lot of the same notes from a sci-fi perspective called Heaven Will Be Mine. It might be something you'd be interested in
From the transmasc perspective, I totally get the entire possibility of a “body horror” appeal. There were days where I felt so trapped in my body, that I’d take bras, wear them backwards, and use the thin straps in front of my chest as a Frankenstein binder of sorts. Needless to say, it was dangerous. And I knew that. I’d be wearing that rib crusher for 8 hours at a time, and when I’d take it off, there’d be scars on my back and chest. Body horror indeed. Edit: I’m so happy that the replies have become a place of advice for new trans men 💙
ngl I'm so happy that I have had a proper binder for a few years now, but I think I still have minor rib damage from middleschool when I would makeshift my own binders. lmao- I remember cutting apart and stitching together some denim pants with a shoelace into a makeshift binder all the way back in 7th. eventually I stopped for a few years until i started again in HS with leg wraps (MANY REGRETS) and a dumb unbreathable cosplay binder I got from amazon for $14. (even MORE regrets.) finally got a GC2B binder when I was 17, and although I definitely need to get a bigger size- it is a much better difference that actually works and doesn't hurt 24/7.. All my little trans guys- please be careful how you go about binding!! Dysphoria sucks but not as bad as permanent rib damage that follows you for years
@@jerminator420 the struggle is real, I get that. You’d try to stack as much as you can, hoping that it’ll flatten it out..only for it to become more prominent.
I've only started trying to bind in the last year since I didn't come out until I was 18 and am taking things slow. (I'm 21 now) The only thing that has worked for me so far is chest tape since I'm a size 5X H E F T Y boyo. Chest tape doesn't always want to stick to itself. When I first started using chest tape, I didn't know that super glue has a thermal reaction with fabrics, especially cotton. I ended up with an (un)healthy mix of tension blisters, skin tears, and burns for the first few months.
@@Adamant_Adam Kinda envy you, ngl. Born and raised in a country where getting a binder is basically impossible. (Hell; coming out is gonna lead to a possible death penalty!) Very anti LGTBQ+ family, and the general public opinion is the same. Currently 17, so I’ll be using these dangerous binders for a while yet, until I get on my own feet. Don’t worry; I limit my use for as much as I can! Currently using them once a month. Baggy clothes go a long way.
I don't know if others have experienced this, and I don't wanna take away from the original analysis, but as an ace person, body horror speaks to me a lot. Not due to gender dysphoria but because the body will do things that you don't want it to. I hate it and am horrified when my body reacts to things I don't want it, sometimes I even want to go through irreversible changes to avoid having to go through my body's reactions. Shame, sadness, anger, and other emotions come up with the reactions, it's worse when it happens at inappropriate times, like visiting family and such.
As someone who isn't asexual but aromantic, I'm afraid I don't know the feeling but I would like to try wrapping my head around it- are you saying that when you experience... "arousal reactions", for lack of a more clinical way to word it, it causes dysphoria and disgust in you because of the disconnect in what the body / nerves / sensory system etc is feeling versus what your brain is feeling / going through at the moment? That what the body experiences is so mismatched with what your brain experiences that the disconnect feels really really bad?
As someone who is both trans nonbinary and aroace, I understand both of those. My body is wrong bc its shape isn't me and its reactions are different to my emotions. That disconnect is terrible and sucks. I've mostly made peace with the ace stuff as I'm AFAB and it's not outwardly noticeable. I still hate it, but for me it's the lesser of two evils right now Being sex adverse and having a low (but not zero) libido is both a curse and a blessing. I'm glad that my libido isn't high, but I hate that I have any at all
Oh my god hearing someone else have this experience helps so much because I legitimately thought I was the only one I’m asexual and everytime my body reacts in a way I don’t want it to, I really start spiraling into body horror territory because I really want to remove certain “parts” But I’ve been getting better about not feeling as much shame about (still there, but it’s improving) and I really wish the best for you ❤ you’re not alone in this
Oh I get you so much I'm probably not 100% ace but still kind of grey-sexual-grey-asexual, from what you described our experiences are still soo simillar though
If you’ve ever read the Fire Punch manga, Togata having infinite regenerative powers and thus being forever trapped in a femme body is its own sort of body horror. I really like reincarnation tropes or immortality tropes where the person’s body returns to its original state… It makes you think about how someone in that position who has a painful disability that could be remedied with surgery or is trans and how they would handle the pain of being constantly returned to what the world has deemed their “natural state.”
@@airplanes_aren.t_real I still love how in chainsaw man he _ahem_ introduced 5 characters and at the same time showed the relations between them in one panel lol Sorry for being so unserious, don't worry I can appreciate Fujimoto from other-than-ironic sides too
Honestly, i think body horror and trans identity and trans politics are very closely related. When I used to be more conservative (read: stupid, and cruel), the impression I got from more conservative circles was that transphobes are grossed out by the idea of transistioning. Take transphobic books like "irreversible damage", the name itself speaks of a fear of maiming a person, irreversibly damaging themselves. And I think in a big way, that fear of body horror is both the primary motivator for transphobia, and perhaps a way to make trans people more accepted. We need to find a way to make the body horror of being trapped in the wrong body more scary than these people's discomfort with someone changing their own body.
they don't care about the damage they cause when they're kneeling on your neck! fuck conciliating to a bunch of mansplaining fascists who only want to tell us what we can't do and how they're only protecting us from what we know is right for us, because they know better
As an ex-incel, your description of "used to be more conservative (read:stupid, and cruel)" is very relatable I think that the source of that fear from the top down is Top: a trans person is a small enough demographic that it can't be individually marketed to but big enough to put into question why people are divided into categories in the first place, what is a man if a woman can become one too? What is a woman if a man can be one too? What is either if one can be both or neither? This would be the executives and investors, they fear the questions that trans existence inherently brings to the mainstream if they choose to not be properly assimilated into society From the bottom it's a lot more stupid If you ask around it's usually very surface level stuff: "I think it's weird, I think it's gross, it's way too in my face" but if you even hint at the idea of trying to understand it abit deeper they try to back out immediately or say it's because someone else told them, the more avid bigots are usually unaware soldiers of a bigger cause, they fight and bitch and moan because someone else told them to and would change tactics and targets at the drop of a hat if ordered to
"We need to find a way to make the body horror of being trapped in the wrong body more scary".... Or, and hear me out here, we need to be ok with coming up with a treatment that makes trans people no longer feel like they're trapped in the wrong body.
Coming here from HBomberguy and being trans myself, immediately resonated with the title as I felt this so much about body horror is just my daily life
reading the panels at around 17:00 to 17:30 broke me into tears. Im 20 years old, have struggled with being a girl since puberty, and have had nonbinary thoughts since I was 14, struggling on and off on trying to be a "real girl" and reading that destroyed me. All I've ever wanted to be was myself, and as someone whos recently gotten extremely close with a trans person and has always been piqued by trans media, I feel like Im finally understanding the parts of myself that has always related to that community. Things I've pushed down so hard for years. I have always loved human anatomy and body horror and always drew myself and various characters in contorted fashions. I think this video has helped me accept myself as nonbinary. Thank you deeply for bringing this to light and to my hands.
As a pre-t trans guy i started legit crying when you were talking about Inside Mari, im gonna have to read it lol. Amazing video, "Puberty can also be body horror" hit like a brick
its genuinely so intersting to see all of these feelings about being a woman instead of a man, because as a transmasc i do not feel this way about womanhood at all. to me being a woman is what feels restricting and trapping and i certainly do not feel that girls are "holy from the inside" lol. while i understand how beautiful womanhood can be it feels so constricting to me and its not something that i want at all
Huh, I've felt the same way about manhood while talking about it with transmasc people in my life. Manhood always felt disempowering and restrictive to me. Mentally, I can understand the appeal but could never connect with it emotionally.
this was amazing, a very small visual novel called We Know the Devil explores a lot of these themes a little bit more explicitly, with body horror involved in the idea of queerness and also themes of social isolation, it's like 40 minutes long and there's 4 endings, I highly recommend it if you see this but it has quite a nice and comforting story.
@@RickiHirsch it didn't immediately come to mind that hwbm would share the themes but that's like totally right. Glad to see you've played them though. On a side note, do you have any recommendations for media that has a similar feel and similar themes? I've been looking for stuff for ages.
@@haggisllama2630 After looking for actual years since I played We Know The Devil I actually have a handful of similar games i've found. Ascension is a fan made spiritual successor to WKTD and it goes into the body horror side more explicitly. Another would be If Found witch has next to no body horror but deals with similar themes and has a much more 'grounded' feel to it - its pretty heartbreaking though. :)
As a trans non-binary who’s been raised in a Christian home that said that being gay and trans and I quote made someone “not even human” by my dad, I always felt like a monster, one that was to be hunted, I felt like an Eldritch being, a god to my creations as an artist and story creator, but also a devil making their trauma and flaws. I’ve only started to reconsile both of these views or myself.
I'm sorry if this is a strange thing to say, but you are not a monster and your father is not God. Your father was wrong, warped by the culture he was trained in to see people who are different as threats to the intensely heteronormative, exclusive form of Christianity he felt safe in. But God is for everybody, not just the fascists who think only people that look and act like them deserve to be considered human. Coming from a queer Christian, let me just say that God loves you and wants you to be yourself. He couldn't create the world without you in it because to leave you out would have been an act of vandalism, making the world worse by omission. I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're you. Thank you. I hope your terrible experience growing up didn't ruin God for you. Believe me, I know what that's like.
@@samuelcorbett8167 thank you, I need this, I’m not Christian for the sake of staying away from reminders if I am to heal. I know Christianity isn’t evil and I’m glad you were able to reconcile with your faith, my path to healing in diffrent. I’m turning 17 a few days from writting this, so thank you.
My relationship with body horror, as a trans person, has always been kinda weird. A lot of stories I've grown up with treat our humanity as this sacred thing, that changing your body, losing your humanity is a horrible sin, on par with murder and other things. And then you have me, who'd stick a needle of G-virus in her thigh if it meant the ensuing mountain of teeth and viscera I'd turn into would obscure my more masculine traits. I don't really pass that well except from very specific angles, and my experience with puberty was uh... nightmarish. So for the past several years, I've been telling myself that I've been living body horror IRL for so long, it doesn't phase me in fiction anymore. I don't know if it's that simple. But it makes me feel a little better about myself.
This was an interesting comment to read particularly for the Resident Evil-reference as that really got me thinking on how body horror is read differently from a "cishet" perspective, for a loss of better ways to word it, as a cishet dude myself. I'm not denying that body horror that depicts such changes as unnatural or awful have undertones of "retvrn to tradition" bullshit, but with RE in particular so much of the horror and transformations feel like it's meant to be in service of capital. When the Umbrella corporation turns people into zombies and turns them away from "what they are", it is for the purpose of making them tools in the plans of Umbrellas rich asshole bosses and their own schemes. To be transformed in RE is to LOSE control and autonomy- to surrender and become a cog to the biological warfare / medical industries schemes and be made into an obedient, mindless form that follows the directives of those on top. It is to become dehumanized- Dr Birkin becomes so lost in his work and in his own issues, that the G-creature he becomes turns into a danger to his very own family. Like, he metaphorically impregnates his own daughter because he can't control himself anymore (and ooooh LORD is there a ton of shit we can read into THAT that I am not equipped to handle). And the one individual who DOES benefit from all the weird virus-juice he injects himself with? Wesker, the man whose wealth and priviledge has put him at the tippy top of the "foodchain" (or Alexa if we're going even deeper even if it feels like Capcom doesn't wanna remember her anymore), he can afford to shoot up the GOOD stuff that was tested on the poor unfortunate souls who became test subjects for his benefit. This is most likely the reigning perspective or the one that is closest to most cishet people when we encounter bodyhorror, because while we may not have experience with gender dysphoria, I think the VAST majority of us have experiences with the horrors of existing under capitalism and being made lesser / mindless by it, so that perspective becomes the closest to our hearts when we think of body horror. Of course, this perspective that all body transformative stuff is just for the rich and just serves to diminish the average person... IS ableist and transphobic if you take it to it's logical conclusion that change always bad, because people with chronic illnesses and people who are trans, as you say, would be all about that Virus-juice if it could help them with their issues, and treating the "original" body as always sacrosanct is not right because it doesn't take those people into consideration... but I also can't say that perspective is entirely WRONG when any advancements in medicine and technology sure as hell always seems to be used and mastered by the rich for the benefit of the rich and their continued profit first, actually useful to the majority of humanity maaaybe a distant second. And as long as that revolutionary science will be used as a tool for profit and control, stories that demonize and fear it will always have at least a kernel of validity. So maybe we can summarize it all as- we could ALL have dope-ass tentacle-tooth growths and do sick Matrix flips with glowing eyelasers as we conscioualy mold our bodies into the shapes we wish for them to have rather than what the genetic lottery gave us, if we could only overthrow capitalism so that instead of rich people hoarding the good stuff and only allowing the common working stiff to be a zombie, and not even something COOL like a Hunter or Tyrant, it could be available to all and sundry. Fully Automated Super-Viral Communism is the way, I guess.
Similar to the manga you discussed, there is this really interesting one-shot written by Fujimoto, the author of Chainsaw Man, called “Woke Up As A Girl Syndrome”. It takes a somewhat common trope of a boy suddenly waking up as a girl, but instead of using it as wish fulfillment for a closeted trans girl it turns into an existential crisis for a cis guy. The MC hates being trapped in a girl’s body and the way he gets treated by his classmates basically acts as this… parallel or other side of the coin for how a lot of trans people are treated. He gets forced to use the girl’s locker room and called a pervert even though that’s not the one he wants to use, his bullies go from bullying him to sexually harassing him, and he feels uncomfortable about the idea of being naked around or having sex with his girlfriend since his body doesn’t fit him anymore. It’s one of Fujimoto’s earliest works so it isn’t too polished and it’s length prevents it from getting too deep, but I still found it really compelling and a fascinating way to translate the trans experience on to a cis character.
@@Claudia-hs7gn It’s a one shot that Fujimoto wrote that initially didn’t get a published release but has now been put out as part of a two his two Volume collection of old shots he did called “The Before Chainsaw Man Anthology”. I just read the one shot online. Pretty easy to find if you just search for it.
As a cis person, I didn't really understand gender dysphoria as an experience until I read Wandering Son. For all it's shortcomings, framing gender dysphoria through puberty really helped me connect to the emotions. I can remember being a young teen and looking in the mirror but not recognizing myself and I remember feeling distress over my body changing in ways I did not want or like. Even if it was never strictly related to my gender, I did experience discomfort watching my body drift away from my perception of myself. So when the manga portrayed its trans characters in silent anguish as their bodies grew in ways discordant with their gender, it struck a cord with me. I felt horror on the behalf of these children who were grappling with what it meant for their bodies to betray them, facing a future where they had to live with bodies that didn't feel like their own. The idea that those feelings of discomfort would never subside, that you'd always be chaffing against the way you looked and were perceived by those around you, always be at odds with the way your body was shaped and functioned... That seemed tragic. It certainly felt like body horror to read. I'm looking forward to checking out Shuzo Oshimi's work. I'm surprised I haven't come across it before!
I never had something like gender dysphoria but this video made me realize that for someone else (and sometimes even for myself) living in my body would be a body horror expirience because sometimes the body would stop responding when you are under a lot of stress or sensory input, and suddently you'd not be able to speak or even move. note: As writing this I'm incapable of speak
As a trans person (nonbinary genderfluid) I have noticed that a lot of queer/trans people (myself included) often crave the aspects of more "traditional" body horror, such as lycanthropy, vampirism, alien transformation, extreme medical procedures, robot/cyborg bodies, etc. It's almost like we romanticize the extremes of what we already experience as a way to cope with the dysphoria and discomfort we have in our lives.
Always great seeing someone talk about Shuzo's work. He's definitely one of my favorite mangaka. So rare to see an author create work about adolescent sexuality in a way that isn't exploitative or gross.
I am non-binary and I have always, since a young age, been fascinated with horror and body horror, it always felt thrilling and I felt deeply connected to the horror shown on screen and the ephemeral feelings inside me. Gender identity and horror just make sense to me
You know, Inside Mari kind of speaks to me. When I was a young, miserable egg in middle school, I was obsessing over this trans guy who I occasionally saw in the hallways. The only way I dealt with my miserable feelings was by writing and drawing myself as him. It was weird, but it helped me get through one of the hardest periods of my life.
And it's not exactly "body horror", but the "adrift" feeling of "I don't want to be my AGAB but I don't want to be the 'opposite' one either" is its own lonely kind of feeling, especially when you don't have any vocabulary to put to it. I sure didn't know the word "nonbinary" when I was a teenager. I just went around thinking I was the only one. But I guess we have several fictional and allegorical stories of "I thought I was the only one" haha.
I had to stop at the Inside Mari part about "suddenly a period" and just breath. The panel was exactly how it felt to get my first cycle at age 11. And how it felt to be told "you must wear a bra because that's not fat, it's boobs" at age 9. And then have my cycles and body mature quicker than most at my age but also my cycle became twisted into PCOS and Endometriosis symptoms at age 13 (which I didn't learn about until I was 26...) and thus I have trauma from so much related to just being born female. I consider myself a woman because... that's what I know. To try to live differently... wouldn't help me personally, and would probably cause extra complications that I don't need. But would I press the "be born a woman" button if I had a choice? Hell no. Maybe if I could have gotten a very different model, like something more androgynous or at least prone to being slim and not weighed down so much by the female specific organs and their health conditions, but never this body. I only was able to "overcome " some of the period trauma due to birth control pills making my awful cycles go away. I will never like having boobs but they balance the rest of me so... ehhhhhh. Don't have the means to change it anyway beyond standard "try to diet, exercise, blah to keep everything as healthy as possible", which is directly more difficult with the endocrine issues. End result... I am me, which can really suck, but I have learned to be much happier with myself than I was in my early years and college years. I would still push the "new body" button if it existed, but I'm okay. I hope others with this same "horror" from their bodies can find ways that work for them to love themselves within whatever means they have.
gods okay this has been my experience like, almost to a t (just minus the pcos or endometriosis..as far as ik lol) but just like. yeah. wow. honestly though, if you can swing it financially and like, think its right for you, binding has been really good for me with regards to this specifically? like, its not perfect, ofc, but its genuinely been so much better
@@brennan911 Hey, I just wanted to say I appreciate your reply and I'm so sorry you also experienced these feelings. I am... quite large so I can't really bind, haha. But I was able to find some plus sized sports bras on Torrid that sort of... keep everything in place and eliminate a lot of the natural movement, and they at least help immensely with the whole... "Ah yes, must wrangle these for the day" frustrations that can come with getting dressed as a female. Like just removing the frustration of the hooks and wires at least makes the process less... Everything. And I don't have to adjust these bras constantly like all past ones, and I feel less bothered overall. So I guess this is close to binding for me...? I am at least not as stressed getting ready for the day. I hope you continue to find things that assist you and wish you the best of fortune in life.
women experience a lot of body horror from a young age, huh 🥹 for me it was realizing my body could be seen as “dirty” or perceived sexually from the age of 8 (at least consciously from that age, i probably sensed it even earlier). my mom would ask w to “cover up” and “always sit with my legs crossed and pull my skirt down” whenever the older uncles came around (and ive had a traumatic experience with one of them too). i remember feeling hyper conscious of my body and wanting to escape from it whenever i was looked at for too long by men. getting my period was awful too, and then being hyper conscious of the way id sit, stand and move even more than before. i would have very heavy and painful periods too, though these days it’s a bit more bearable. but the worst was definitely my boobs growing out. just like you said, ive often thought about how nice it would be if we could customise our frames and the size of our boobs like we would a video game character. whenever im on a character customisation screen in video games i play out my fantasies of having a flat chested and androgynous body. it hurts to say but i dont like my boobs. i dont want to be “feminine”. yet im resigned to this body. it’s horrifying. sorry for word vomiting under your comment. i hope i can be comfortable in my body one day. but ive felt detached and isolated from it for so long that trying to reconnect with it will take a lot of work. ive been trying and its been difficult. im really happy for you though, i hope i can love myself and my body one day too. ❤ ;-;
@@obscuredangel Just replying to you, to give you empathy and love, and to let you know that I am 200% cheering for you to find love for yourself and find the solutions that help you love your body, whatever those solutions might be. It does indeed take time, for so many of us. Please do not give up, and definitely find people to help your mind on the worst of days. Ask a gynecologist about your options to help with periods, as getting some relief from that can help the mind start to heal from some of these things we have gone through and still go through. Again, much love.
@@obscuredangeland here I am feeling not feminine enough because my boobs are not big. I feel like women with more voluptuous chest are more female than I am, like am pretending to be a woman, I even feel like my genitals not as pretty and womanly as it in other more attractive girls. It's irrational but feels so real, I'm envious of other feminine women because I feel insuperior, feel like am a awkward guy beside them.
oh my god i think this video just helped me realise why i struggle so much with romantic relationships?? i'm a bisexual trans man, but i present androgynously because it's easier to do that and joke about my gender in real life, than try my best to present masculinely (because although i do enjoy dressing androgynously, i want to be perceived as a man, but if i try, i'll only get myself in danger, so i look fem-leaning androgynous) i think it stems from knowing my partners don't perceive me masculinely, or as a man. i'm very feminine, i have far too many curves, and i know they don't see me like that, because they're just trying to ease my worries in the end, not actually seeing me in that light its been so hard to move forward with romantic relationships and i think the one i'm in (with a cishet guy) is nearing it's end. i genuinely think my gender is the issue.
I know this is serious but if I may make a corny joke: it's time for you to kick the bi/pan/omni fence and pick someone that falls off of it. You can't fail if there's no fail condition!
@@wren_. GOD FORREAL. honestly, you probably are bisexual, or t4t when it comes to men?? (or, perhaps, t4t in general), i think that's how it is for me too because honestly it's more difficult trying to explain trans thoughts and issues to cis people
@@idiotrat2698 i’m like 90% sure i’m bi, but the problem is i would only want to date a man if i didn’t have to look like a girl while doing it. until i get top surgery i’m probably gonna be exclusively dating women for a while
I don't think your gender is the issue. I think the issue is that you, a man, are dating another man who isn't into men. That's not a great situation. I believe in you and I know you have the ability to find someone who will fully accept you for who you are.
Where do you live/what's your family situation? I've found that at least where I live people have been way less shitty to myself and my friends about changing gender expression/straight up transitioning than I was worried they'd be. I get misgendered sometimes but nobody has ever said anything shitty about it, much less threatened or assaulted me. And I work retail, so I deal with a ton of people every day. I think we sometimes overestimate the danger because we're really afraid of change
I read welcome back Alice and wow… i wish i were born a girl, (also it has a lot of sexual harassment but i feel like it has a purpose we’ll just have to wait and find out)
Tokyo ghoul: re had a trans masc? Character that basically was a compilation of all of the fears of trans men and the horror this character went through reflected these fears. It made for a blood chilling story that left me dysphoric after reading it. The irony is that the writer wasn’t intending on making super accurate horror for trans people-he just doesn’t seem to particularly like LGBT people 😂
I've only just a year ago realised my womanhood as a transwoman, after being on hormones for about two maybe three years and identifying as nonbinary. Upon finding my partner who recently came out to me and her world as a transwoman, I've gravitated towards a subtle masculinity, even though appreciating my body as a woman's body. Even though having not gone through any surgery, my hormonal transition has made me comfortable enough in my womanhood to BE a woman, and not particularly caring about what clothes i place on my feminine body. It wasn't always like this, definitely, and i still experience dysphoria in my voice, but gender euphoria in my transbody, and that's a little scary, because I was once used to being comfortable with the discomfort. Now, I'm discomforted by the comfort. I love your videos, and you're inspiring to me.❤
I had never heard that framing before I relate to "being discomforted by the comfort" a lot especially in the last few years. Thank you for the kind words as well. It means a lot to me.
For all of the time I've spent within the horror genre, and my deep love for the body horror genre for the discomfort it can cause and questions it can force to be asked, I don't think I've ever really considered it from this angle. This was a great listen, and an informative one. Thank you for the epiphany on the genre. Hopefully I can keep learning about it the longer I watch
As a trans person, whos favorite horror genera is body horror, I couldn't agree more with this video. The genera reminding me that human bodies are just meat to be manipulated gives me an insane level of comfort when struggling through the more painful parts of my existence. Thank you for giving words to that experience. This was an incredibly lovely video
You could read a more lighthearted one, if i may suggest. "Boys run the riot" has a fashion motif but is a rather interesting story about finding yourself. It hits close to home in a few spots, but everyone's story and life is different. It might give you a little insight into queer joy, not just queer struggles.
i just gotta say i LOVE body horror as a trans man and i can connect with them so well. the fly, alien and the thing are some of my favorites of all time. also love kafka's metamorphosis and aku no hana. Heck, i even liked that about kimi no na wa. I'm planning to pick up blood on the tracks, and now, inside mari and okaeri alice as well! I'm so happy to see a video like this, I thought i was alone and goin crazy finding comfort in body horror.
It's interesting you mention the Metamorphosis. I read that as a young teen and loved it. I didnt even have vocabulary about body horror, but I had chronic pain and mental illness that made me feel useless and powerless. The story made me feel less alone. But maybe that's why, as a cis woman, I have always had strong empathy for the trans experience in our culture. I know what it's like to feel utterly powerless over my body, and to feel like an alien, and to feel hated for something I can't control. I once asked my doctor, "Why does this keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong?" And she replied, "You aren't doing anything. You were BORN like this." It was such a gift to be told that. It was the first step in not blaming myself for the parts of my body that felt wrong. Anyway, this was longer than it needed to be and now I'm crying lol. But just wanted to say, I understand. Obviously I can't feel what it's like to be trans, but feeling trapped in a body that feels wrong is a hellish experience, and I understand that much. More cis folks need to realize that the trans experience (without gender affirming care) is (similar to) any other chronic health issue.
Wow, thank you for writing this down. I do agree one doesn't neccessarily have to be trans to understand it better, I wish people were just a bit more kind towards us and realize that there are some things we just can't control. And once again, I really appreciate your comment and I hear you.
i got so interested in this "inside mari" that I have to go read it and come back to this video later! thanks for introducing me to a concept I've never thought about before. As someone who struggles to process what exactly "body dysphoria" feels like or is, an introspective of this helps me understand my peers who do and hopefully get a little closer to exactly defining my own experience. Also, I've never really cared for horror, so this is double intriguing!
I'm a cis, bisexual bodybuilder from California, and I always thought there wasn't really any body horror that could really hit me on a personal level. I always enjoyed it, but never really found anything that hit that special spot that personally affected me...until recently. Then I watched Body Melt, an Australian flick from 1993. And it hit on my suspicions about my steroids, the fact hitting the gym too hard can cause my body to betray me in some rather nasty ways...it got to me. I hadn't had such viscerally upsetting nightmares in years until that movie.
@@jirairaikei Did you know that if you don't respect the squat form and weight, it can make your entire back collapse in on itself? Did you know going too hard on bicep curls can make your bicep tear off of your arm?
there’s a very obscure manga that i read a while ago titled « transjitter », yes it’s a gender bender and no it’s not what i thought it was going to be at all. i’m not really sure if i understood it well but it showed a side of the genre that rarely gets talked about, which is the body dysphoria part. the story follows a depressed gay high schooler who one day wakes up with the « opposite » body, the way the author shows the resentment the character has towards his own sexuality and gender and how suddenly since he’s « a girl » now he can date whatever guy he wants except that’s not what he wanted…it was really raw. i know this will be extremely triggering, all the triggers you can think of are present (which is why i dropped it) like homophobia, transphobia, internalized misogyny, SA, and obviously SH, so i just wanted to inform you about this as it may (or may not) be another way of showing true body horror in its purest forms
I recently read "Boys run the Riot" which is about a trans kid, representative of the author who is a trans man in Japan. It's not a horror but more heartfelt kind of finding yourself story and how he lives in an area(country) where transness isn't well understood but he manages to find true friends who try to understand who he truly is and the story uses Fashion as a motif.
I’m barely a minute into this video but the whole “I have a gender and I must scream” speaks SO MUCH to me. As a genderfluid person who’s favorite novella is “I Have No Mouth”, I saw that and KNEW this was a video for me.
It is really nice to see somebody else talk about gender and body horror in the way that I have always felt about it. The link between the two is extreme, and back when I was suffering dysphoria but didn't know I was trans, I didn't really understand body horror. I was living it. I didn't see how I could be anything worse than what I already was. Now, having been transitioning for years, body horror is uncomfortably poignant to me. It hits too close to home for me to ever truly enjoy, and yet it often captivates me. It used to be my lived experience, and there is almost nothing I fear more than returning to it.
This was, amazing to watch. Thank you. So much. I'm on a bus driving to a church where people begrudgingly tolerate my existence for the sake of my grandmother and making sure she makes the trip safely. I needed this a lot.
when i first read inside mari, i felt a really deep connection to the main character. i felt that she was just as insane as i felt sometimes, enough to imagine herself as a completely different person. ive felt insane enough at times to almost fully believe in reincarnation out of desperation, or question if gender is really even real or not. inside mari and other works really connected to me.
Hbomb brought me here! But of course I have wanted to find some interesting analyses on body horror for a while bc imo it's the horror subgenre that has the most potential artistically. Great stuff. I would love to see some horror that tackles gender even more explicitly in concept
Loving how this video opened with discussing vampires. I literally wrote my English final in college about why vampires are all gay, citing the exact same points you did. One of the major contributors to this is that Horror as a genre is just weird and historically always alternative. Consider how much of horror's DNA comes from gothic stories. Gothic literature was always the antithesis to what was popular at the time. Naturally, these genres attract people and groups who are similarly "on the fringe." Marginalized. As a result, there has come to be a massive LGBTQ influence on nearly every piece of horror you can find.
It's a fascinating history. That DNA even carried over into film with lots of gay actors, directors and screen writers having worked on many of the most famous early horror films. Horror really is just for the gays.
@@RickiHirsch yes! One of my favorite bits of information, which inspired the essay, was when I read Carmilla, edited by Carmen Maria Machado, and on page 69 (yes, really), she added a footnote to the description of Laura getting her blood sucked. The note simply read: "If this isn't an org[**]m, nothing is." (Censored so it will not get blocked by UA-cam.) I thought it was really funny so I wrote my essay on it, and ended up enjoying writing it more than I expected.
The way body horror is meaningful to both trans people and disabled people alike is so special to me as a disabled and chronically ill trans man. Trans people and disabled people can often be made to feel othered, "freak-ish" or in some cases even "monstrous" by society. There is such a unified understanding in this, I feel. I know I've always felt an odd connection to body horror from a young age watching and enjoying certain horrific things and horror imagery. It's a fascinating analysis of bodies, and of the self, and how we feel about it all; the good, the bad, and the somethings in between. Because there's always "otherness" beyond the black and white (even when you fall into the black and white categories yourself). Love it all. Stay freaky on this rock and in this society that often isn't freaky enough, if you ask me. 🧡
I don't have a lot to say, just sharing my love. Really enjoyed the video, I'm a trans person in a place where that isn't easily accepted and it's extremely difficult to "legally" transition here, so content like this is always great to see. You do you, and fuck everyone that has a problem with it.
I relate to both "Inside Mari" and "Welcome Back Alice" very heavily. I feel the more I grow up, the more I "become" a woman (physically) the more I become the opposite. Whether that is me rejecting traditional (the act of) femininity or just wanting to be a man, I want to be nothing. I neither wish to be a man nor a woman. I wish to exist outside of perception. Being perceived makes me choose whether to be for or against. If I choose one, I am acting consciously or unconsciously due to the options I am given. Do I really have a choice? If I choose not to be a woman, was that choice made for me because of my surroundings? Or is that true for the opposite. I cannot exist without others existing in oppositition; that is the paradox. Whether or not I am a woman is not my choice but I wish it were.
This was so incredibly insightful. I've had this video pop up many times in my recommended, but I've never clicked on it our of a worry that it would make me go "oh no" about my own gender more than I already do. But this was great. Really well written.
I'm a new subscriber due to hbomberguy. This video locked me in as a subscriber. I admit, I still have issue with how to perceive my sense of gender. I sometimes wish I could be convincingly feminine, but also I also wish to keep some masculine traits. I wish I could be more fluid with my gender, but I just do not have the body to do it. Yet something that carries me, is the thought of the potential to be if my body could be more genderfluid. It's why these types of stories are fascinating to me and is a factor in the ones I am trying to write. This video also informed me of a Cronenberg movie I missed. Plus you make fighting game content. So this channel is made for me
this is one of the best video essays i've experienced this year, every 30 seconds of going through this i was going ''ohhh woah!'' this is what i actually was starving for all this time. love you girl 💞
It's down to the last chapter iirc. It wasn't what I expected. It kinda feels more like Oshimi deconstructing a lot of the ideas that show up in Inside Mari. If you like his other work, it's a strong recommend.
My sister told me that one of the translations of Dracula changed it so that they were explicitly gay and in a relationship. I've also heard of someone saying that a lo.g time ago, the only way people could get away with having gay couples in books was to make them have a tragic end where they never got to be together.
Yeah there was something called the Hayes code that stipulated to movie makers that immoral people could never be portrayed in a sympathetic light. The list of immoralities consisted of things like murder, adultery, not respecting authority figures like police officers, and in the same breath, stuff like any "deviant" sexual acts which included homosexuality, women seducing men (not the other way around), as well as portrayals of effeminate men and masculine women. Thankfully it ended but it set back filmmaking by decades and it's a big reason why we even today we have so many queercoded villians and ambiguous gays in media.
a twitter follower of mine recommended this video to me and i am SO GLAD THEY DID! I love horror, Cronenberg is probably my favorite horror director (well...maybe behind Lynch) and even before I found out he was pro-trans watching his movies made me feel like "he gets it. somehow, some way, he gets it". Hearing him call us artists who fully commit actually made me tear up. I'm very squeamish about medical stuff and healing from my top surgery was mentally difficult with me. I always had to have my partner next to me when I changed my dressings, just for moral support. It thought about "body horror" a lot there, but I also thought about it every time I looked in the mirror pre-surgery and saw...growths...that just didn't align with me. He understands the duality of the beauty and of the horror of transformation, and I think that's why his films speak to me so much.
i like ur voice!! i normally cant focus during long videos but ur voice is very comforting. i look forward to putting on more of ur videos in the bg in the future ^^
MAN “puberty as body horror” hits really hard for me, having gone through precocious puberty and having recognized my physical dysphoria years before figuring out i was trans also: another explicitly queer (and trans specifically) body horror story i HIGHLY recommend is the game “the missing”, that game made me so emotional
I was completely fine with girlhood until my boobs started growing. now, I have two unwieldy balls of flesh strapped my chest and i will never be a girl again.
I took an undergraduate class taught by a professor who posited that Bram Stoker was Gay and Dracula was based on Oscar Wilde. The text we read from had her academic paper published in the back of the edition assigned for her class.
I have not finished the video yet but I must say that I am SO HAPPY to see closet monster in your video!!! it's my absolute favourite movie, and it's so comforting to finally see someone talk about it's body horror aspect!! thank you!!
I so badly want to make a video in conversation with this one from a more trans masculine perspective… linking it all together with the thesis that not only gender is body horror but that body horror is solidarity
I’m surprised your channel is so small, this video’s quality is insane! Your analyses of these different works are fantastic, covering both well known media and things people may consider more obscure. The idea of transness being linked to body horror has been something that I’ve thought about for a while, especially after my own revelations about my gender. You covered everything so perfectly in the video, like puberty and how bodies are naturally gross and weird. I feel like nowadays people don’t understand that humans are naturally gross because of the fact we are built imperfect and weird, and so understanding that we are made like this is something I find valuable when it comes to self-image.
I watched myself day by day transform into something I couldn't control, I felt like a werewolf, I became something I didn't recognize, I'm still trying to find myself but I'm glad I'm not the only one who has found this connection with bodyhorror
… I’ve been avoiding watching this video cause I knew it was going to cut my brain open and 100% explain my obsession with body horror. Did not disappoint haha.
Just wanted to say that in the book Silence of the Lambs the author uses a psychologist to clarify that he isn't trans, he even states that it would be harmful to say that Bill was trans. I don't remember the page but it's in there.
> Says the villain isn't trans > Heavily codes the villain as trans anyway > His work fuels transphobic propaganda for decades What did he mean by this?
@@Cr33pysku11 back in the day, writers used to make certain characters lgbtq to increase shock value, because gay people are scaaaary! blame Psycho (1960, dir. Alfred Hitchcock), that movie is the one that kinda started the whole trend
I honestly ended up crying a little bit while watching this video. I've always felt like your essay style videos always have a very humane perspective to them and this one really touched me in a personal way. the segment about Inside Mari really spoke to me as a transfemmine person. struggling to come across as a women to the rest of society is incredibly difficult to begin with. Then you add the fact that you were born in a "male body", it can make it feel like you'll be able to pass or be taken seriously as a women. Her suffering from menstrual cramps being used to reminder her of the struggles of having a female body reminds me of the own struggles I go through whenever I look at a part of my body that triggers my dysphoria. as much as reading stuff like this can hurt, it's always something I've found emotionally fulfilling to me. Whenever I see the pain of someone else, whatever that be in real life or in fiction, it's always been one of the most powerful motivators for me to do something to make life better for me or people around me. reading stories of people struggling with mental health issues and/or abuse played a big part in inspiring me to go to the school to become a social worker earlier in my life. Now reading about stories from other trans people discussing their experiences with gender dysphoria has inspired me to try and go through the process of transitioning despite how scary it can be. thank you for making these videos, it means a lot to me (and probably a lot of other people as well).
Thank you. I'm moved that something I made could have that kind of impact. I firmly believe that fiction can help people find perspective and motivation. I've also found emotional fulfillment in painful stories including some that also helped me come to the decision to transition. It might be scary but I used to tell myself maybe it would be weirder if it wasn't at least a little intimidating. Wishing nothing but the best for you.
As a cis man who loves horror, this video is a nice escape from my personal bubble! I love seeing other people talk about stuff so particular to their world view and reality. I'm facing a kind of "cosmic horror" situation (as an analogy) because I've been a christian since birth. But there are so many things that I can't ignore anymore about life and how other christians behave. This existential, even identity crisis, has been stressing me out so much. It feels like there's no escape, like I'll never find an answer and no matter what I choose, will be the wrong decision.
To be honest I get really uncomfortable when my brain becomes aware of my body. I still don’t know if it’s connected to my current struggle with gender identity or not but the feeling definitely started during puberty. It was also the time I started to get into horror and I really love horror, especially psychological horror.
I have never thought of gender dysphoria this way... Thank you a lot for this video. It makes me think about a lot of things. Thanks to your video and the comment section, I learned how painful and exasperating all this transition and gender dysphoria situation can be. I know I will never understand it completely. But for me, there is nothing more important than knowing problems and frustrations of different people, so I could try to help and empathize way better if i meet someone in that situation. Summarizing, I learned a lot of values wirh your video. Thank you.
Average day at a gynecologist when I’ve already started passing for a year as everyone stares at you, I am literally too scared to go to a gynecologist without my little sister. It also doesn’t help the pharmacy next to the hospital constantly probes me saying “this can’t be for you, stop lying” every time I visit them. It’s basically a horror irl anyway so it’s accurate in that sense lmao.
not really a manga reader but but i might consider reading inside mari now. queerness in psychological horrors/thrillers has been my favorite (and sadly rare) type of genre for a while now and its so nice finding more of it. (too bad a lot of it gets hogged by people that completely misinterpret it- which annoys me a lot as a trans person,,,) btw, amazing video!!!!!
One of the movies that *really* resonated with me was The Skin I Live In, which I think can certainly be labeled as a psychological horror film even though it lacks a lot of other typical attributes of the horror genre as a whole. But the way it actually manages to capture the feeling of being stuck in a body you do not identify with was just superb, and it also resonated a lot with me as a trans man because his experience was being stuck in a female body despite having a male identity. As of late as more people around me have become pregnant, I've begun to think more about the chestburster scene from Alien though, and how it's in many ways symbolic of unwanted pregnancy. While I'm sure women who became pregnant against their wills or were forced to carry out a pregnancy against their will can relate, I can also relate as a trans man to that experience because I've always viewed pregnancy and birth as body horror, but outside of that one scene, I don't think any particular movie beyond The Skin I Live In has ever truly resonated with me on a personal level. Videodrome is my favorite Cronenberg movie though.
I absolutely agree The Skin I Live In is a horror film. So many of those scenes went from odd to terrifying during my rewatch. I'm having a hard time thinking of movies that do a better job of portraying the feeling of being trapped in your body.
I've only watched this video once and I am already so in love with it. just a feeling of being welcomed home and being understood, I don't know it sounds weird but for someone having watched sth like this talking about gender and all for the first time like this, it is such a breath of fresh air, queerness and horror for me have always been connected and I have long had a love for both and it's just... so welcoming and nice to see something like this also if body dysphoria ever gets to be a horror genre I am so here for it, I think it'll be a wonderful category to explore SO MANY concepts in them I am excited to see what the future holds
(obligatory “i’m here from Hbomberguy”) jfc thank you so much for this insight. really put words to my complex gender feelings. i nearly cried when you said to “be nice to yourself” at the end
On youtube, I run across so many video essays about movies, most of which approach their subject superficially and never delve into the full significance of the filmmaking they mean to cover. It's a rare gift to find a video essay that does filmmaking and its topic justice. I'm very grateful that you made and shared this thought-provoking piece. It helped me understand a lot about my own fascination with horror. Although it is neither horror nor directly covers queer topics, I Lost My Body is an adult animation french film with elements of horror the explores trauma and healing in ways that you may find interesting... Just thought I might as well mention it! :)
This is an amazing video essay. I am cis and think, that queer readings of some stories can give them so much more depth. Like when I first watched the matrix trilogy I only really enjoyed the first movie. Rewatching them after reading about the story of its creators and how some trans ppl interpreted it gave me a more interesting perspective on it. I don't feel happy with my body most of the time, and I think the world would be better of, if we all could be more open minded and accepting. Be who you want to be but be kind to others
This is exactly the video I was looking for!! I recently had been toying with the idea of how stories where a character is reborn in another’s body doesn’t delve into the potential torrent of emotions coming from either looking different, or being another sex. I feel like it’s often comedic, but I think it would also be really cool to have some sort of queer reading on these stories, even if it isn’t the purpose of the story. Now I found this video, and it’s so perfect!! THANK YOU!!! 😁
I'm starting my social transition from ftm, and there are many times I question whether I want to be a man, or I just don't want to be a woman. Some days I feel 100% like a trans man, and some days I don't. Maybe it's because I'm not feeling dysphoric, or maybe it's because I feel deep down like a girl that day. I honestly don't know anything about boyhood or manhood because I didn't grow up in it, so it's very hard to know that it's what I truly want. To my trans family out there, I see your struggle. To my cis family too, gender is hard
I can relate to this so hard despite being a cis 26 year old woman. I just... Don't feel like being a woman some days. I don't wanna be treated as one, I don't wanna be seen as one. I don't want to have the body problems a woman has. Not really wanting to be treated as "male" per se either, or be one, but just... I wanna be human? Not sure if it's society's inherent mysoginy or something deeper inside me, but even online I sometimes just pretend to be a guy just to be treated as one. It's not physical though, it has nothing to do with my body, even if I hate it sometimes (more out of societal pressure to look better and be better for people to look at, but sometimes period makes me hate my body too). Im not particularly feminine in the way I present, I don't wear make up almost ever except maybe 3 times a year, and that's just how often I'll wear a skirt too. Just wearing hoodies and jeans all day, baggy clothes, all that. Gender is an odd thing, and it's weird when society gets its hands on it (because, after all, it is inherently social). After all, what does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to be a woman? What makes one or the other beyond the physical? Does it really matter all that much? It's just so odd and confusing
i’ve always felt like a guy in a girl’s body and when i went through puberty that feeling became even worse. i always knew i was different from the other girls cognitively, but seeing my body become a “women’s” body was i think traumatizing in a way i never was able to express at that tender age. i will always remember my mother catching me about to mutilate myself with scissors all because i hated these “things” growing on my chest. now that i’m somewhat older, i have pretty much given up on the fantasy of having my body look the way i feel from the inside. i have accepted that people will always see me as a woman because that’s how i look on the outside. i try to embrace my femininity the best i can, even if it feels strange and alien at times. i don’t really use pronouns outside of the internet because i have accepted that i look too feminine for anyone to even ask me them in the first place, and if they do know them they will probably just use the feminine ones anyways. i’ve accepted the fact that i’m trapped in this body that doesn’t suit my mind. and i know for some people that might sound sad, or horrible, or even torturous, and yes i do feel like i’m being someone i’m not every time i go outside. i feel people ogling at me and all their compliments and praises. it feels like they are only complementing this body, and not the real me. it sucks and i feel so empty, but i feel as though i have no other choice. i have fantasized many times about doing some kind of transition that wouldn’t make me male or female, but that doesn’t really seem to exist the way the world is right now. and i feel like even if i attempted to do this, the amount of backlash i would get from my parents and even potential strangers just isn’t worth it for my mental health. so i feel like the only realistic choice i have is to leave my body alone and learn do deal with it. maybe it will keep getting easier as i age, or maybe someday i won’t be able to take the strain anymore, i don’t know. i’ve decided to live with myself as i appear for as long as i possibly can, and hopefully become completely at peace with this body.
Yeesh, this essay counts as a work of horror. 11:40 onward brought up questions that I am _not_ ready to wrestle with today, and made the discussion of The Skin I Live in seem like a cozy reprieve. You did excellent work on this and you should be proud of what you've created, but now I need to go lie down.
This was a really interesting video for me. I’ve always been fascinated by horror, despite anxiety issues that mean I can’t actually experience most of the genre first hand. I’ve definitely noticed the queer themes in horror, but despite being cisn’t myself, the link between body horror and trans experience hadn’t actually occurred to me before, and it was pretty obvious why once I thought about it. Before I accepted I was queer, let alone thought to question my gender, I became chronically ill. I’d never been the healthiest kid around, but suddenly I had to navigate in a body that no longer worked the way it had before. It was terrifying, not only navigating the increased academic and social responsibilities that comes with starting high school, but doing it in a body that would betray me at the drop of a hat. I’m non-binary, but I don’t really experience gender dysphoria, so while the parallels between gender dysphoria and body horror feel obvious now, I really had never thought about it that way. I really love that, about stories, that two people can both feel understood by the same metaphor, despite having very different experiences.
@@CoolestSwordFighter -snerk- nice try, asshole. Maybe figure out what someone identifies as before you go around trying to insult them. Also 51% isn’t even a thing, the statistic you’re trying to quote is 41% and is on binary trans people, a group I’m not actually a part of. I know you lot are trying to get the number to rise, but you can’t just decide it’s higher because you want it to be. That’s not how statistics work. So you literally could not be more wrong. It might be impressive if it wasn’t so pathetic
“I have gender and I must scream” is a way of putting it
@GreenMayoMan69_ YIPPEE MOMENT
@@miggle27 oh god, it does
@@CoolestSwordFighter you've made me a step closer into being chronically online by making me google what ywnbaw stands for
Its a great reference to the Immortal Machine who punishes humans for eternity
@@animationmann I know about it
"Puberty is a kind of body horror" ain't that the truth, lol
Yeeeeeah 🌊🐴
It's incredible because I actually described gender dysphoria as similar to body horror to my brother just a couple weeks ago to try to get it across, and now I get recommended this video lol.
i’m so surprised that nobody ever talks about how pregnancy can absolutely be seen as terrifying body horror
@@xioyz some dude once asked me, while I was pregnant, what it felt like. I get annoyed with the saccharine, sentimental descriptions of pregnancy that wash away all the mess, anxiety, and horror of complications (that can sometimes be life-threatening), so I described to him in terms of horror films. "Well, it feels like I have something growing and crawling around under my skin, feeding on the nutrients I take in." He recoiled, exclaiming "Why'd you say it like that?!" The more you delve into the biology of pregnancy, the more it reveals itself to be body horror, an intruder that your body tries to fight against, that manipulates your immune system to be less responsive overall, that demands nutrients from the host (in the case of calcium, some women even experience an increase of cavities and loss of bone density as the fetus leeches calcium from the woman's very bones when it doesn't receive enough for itself). Pregnancy is the oldest body horror.
@@Nightriser271828 you’re so hardcore for this omg i respect you so much for that. i understand pregnancy can be horrifying but sweet and worth it for many, but it’s true that the more i know about how it works the more i never want to go through it.
People also underestimate how many adult cis people experience body dysphoria. I know several people who won’t even leave their house unless it’s a special occasion because they’re so horrified by their own body and don’t have the means to change it. Even more cis people don’t visit the pool because the thought alone of being almost naked around other people, friends and strangers alike, is mortifying. So it’s no surprise that cis and trans people find the same body horror relatable.
i believe that would be body dysmorphia, rather than dysphoria, as the latter relates to feeling uncomfortable in your body due to your sex, while the former refers to an irrational focus on some sort of bodily flaw, whether real or imagined. there are some key differences, which i say as someone who has experienced both, but i completely agree that most people these days can relate to hating their own body, no matter the specifics.
edit: oh god this is so old. i don't care. i know people use body dysphoria (which i only knew of as relating to gender) to refer to dysmorphia.
@@Leo-gq1yiactually body dysphoria is any discomfort with your body. gender dysphoria is the one that is specifically related to sex. Meanwhile body dysmorphia is seeing your body differently than it actually is for example people with anorexia may see themselves as fat no matter how skinny they get that is body dysmorphia
@@cold5529 while what you said does align with the definition of dysphoria, body dysphoria is used almost exclusively to refer to a subtype of gender dysphoria
@@Leo-gq1yiCis people have a gender too, and are perfectly capable of feeling dysphoria, when their bodies aren't in alignment
@@Kelly_Jane The definition of a cis person is someone whose gender and body are in alignment. While I wouldn’t deny anyone the right to call themself cis if they do experience gender dysphoria, as they may not feel that transition is the right solution for them, I don’t think that’s what the original commenter was talking about.
"Your Body is Not Your Body" is a body horror anthology book written by trans authors. All of its stories are built around the concept of gender being portrayed as body horror, the stories are wildly creative and unique. The story I found the most well written within it was "We've Been Trying to Reach You" by Charles Maria Tor, and the one I found most creative was "Tonsilstonespunksplatter666!" by Rain Corbyn. I would really suggest anyone who's interested in gender as body horror to read it
Thank you for the book recommendation- this is a fantastic read!
Aw thank you, I’ve rewritten We’ve Been Trying to Reach you multiple times since in anticipation of making a collection of my short stories. I felt that the silliness I tried to inject didn’t hit right and that the interaction with the cop needed a bit more fear. Also Rain and I are pals now and this comment is going to our heads.
Do you think that there are levels to dysphoria? By that, I mean, does it vary in how extreme it is?
@@Reed5016 different levels, different causes, different remedies. Nothing in this world is homogenous.
@@Reed5016as stated, nothing in this world is homogenous. I'll describe my own experience as an example for how gender dysphoria can vary. I'm nonbinary and sometimes I'm lucky and don't have gender dysphoria at all, most times I have some level of gender dysphoria but I can handle it by making changes to how I dress or change how my face looks like with makeup, sometimes rarely it gets so bad I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to mutilate my own body. For me, my gender doesn't change but my gender expression does, and with that the level of gender dysphoria I experience changes. I feel most at home with my own body when I think I look gender ambiguous on some level, and it has taken a long time for me to get to the point where I can comfortably say my own definitions for femininity and masculinity are enough, that I don't have to conform to what other people say I should look like as a nonbinary person.
“Being a girl doesn’t come naturally to anyone. It is a skill that is trained over time and takes a tremendous amount of effort.” Oof, that’s it exactly. It’s exhausting to play “girl”.
Are you serious? Being a girl is not a skill. It's a binary fact. There is no gender spectrum, it's a sex binary.
Anything TERFs and queer theorists agree on is probably just true. Femininity is labor, even for people that are perfectly comfortable with it.
Inside Mari was so relateable to hear as a trans masc person. Hearing him close his eyes in the shower to protect her is oddly so comforting to hear because I've always done that. Like I've thought of myself as almost being two separate people. Im a man/manish person stuck inside this really pretty womans body. Most days I don't want to transition because I feel like I'm hurting her body and it's already such a nice body and such a good looking person that I in some ways feel guilty at the idea of doing so. But I'm tired of being seen as her. I am not her. I'm just living within her body. I like dressing up in what would suit her and what looks nice on her but I'm uncomfortable with how nobody sees me. They just see this beautiful figure and assume I'd act like what they have set in their minds but I don't. I never do. And that part makes them uncomfortable. They hear a man but see a woman.
I wish I could detach and view my body as someone else. I wish I could dress it up nicely the way the average person wants to see it without feeling disgusted. I wish I could appreciate it for how it is now without the incessant need to change it. However...
The good thing is that the body you inhabit is always changing regardless. Bodies are tools that are meant to be used to interact with the world around them. They pick up scars, moles, wrinkles, and creaky joints over time because that’s what they are there for-to be used.
Some women (or other folks with uteruses) take their young, fairly pristine bodies and undergo pregnancy knowing that afterwards they might always have some stretch marks, loose skin, and pee a little when they laugh. Might not be “pristine” anymore, but the reward of life was worth it.
Many people wear out their bodies doing sports they love, exploring the world, protecting those they love, or working hard to build a life. That’s fine-a well-loved tool will show some wear. Even if you are very careful, we all feel the effects of age as our skin sags and wrinkles and our joints make weird crunching noises. Entropy will get us all in old age eventually.
Some see their bodies as a canvas to decorate with piercings, tattoos, or accidental scars that make good stories of a life well lived. That’s fine too. You get to do whatever you want with your body, because it’s yours and no one else’s.
Your body exists to be used for living your life. Whatever you choose to do with it, you aren’t ruining it or tarnishing it. You’re using your body to live the life you want. If you decide to medically transition at some point in the future, that’s just another way of using your body to serve its purpose as the connection between your mind and the world so that you can interact with the outside in a way that feels right and comfortable for you.
It’s interesting that you characterize “her” as someone you are trying to protect, when it could also be seen the other way around. Even if you want to make your body more physically masculine, you can still feel gratitude to your former feminine body for serving you in the meantime; she served her purpose of taking care of you until you got the chance to be your true self. She did her job and held you and kept you as safe as she could until it was time for her to retire and for him to take up the role of your body instead.
I hope this makes sense, I got a bit too poetic there with the allegory.
Same honestly, it’s not that I hate my body it’s just that i feel weird looking at it because it feels like I’m looking at a different person
See this is why you need to adopt a baby trans femme and dress her up in all your pretty clothes. It's way more fun that way
Absolutely no behavior or clothing is intrinsically feminine or masculine. Being a girl and having """masculine""" attitudes does not make you stop being a girl. That's just the opinion of others about how a woman should behave, but there really isn't any standard or restriction on how people of any gender should behave. It's okay to """behave like a man""" being a girl. You are not letting anyone down and if someone is disappointed with that then it is a douchebag who puts their expectations of how woman "should" act on you
The analysis on “Welcome back Alice” hit me the feels so hard, and in the good kind.
I’ve felt like that for like years, and that might be first time something has “validated” these feelings.
I honestly wish I could just say something with certainty about my gender related issues.
Thank God Tommy tallarico told me to come watch this channel he should get another Guinness world record for that
pffffffft hahaha
Somebody's mother must be really proud!
Now this is top tier reference humour
WHY CAN'T I ESCAPE THE HBOMBERGUY FANDOM 😭
@@thedeliveryboy1123 Ye best start believing in random fandoms. YER IN ONE
I always thought that gender dysphoria is basically body horror...
Edit: HOW DID I GET SO MANY LIKES
LITERALLY COMMENTED THIS BEFORE WATCHING THE VIDEO
It sure as hell feels like it! 😂
It me! Oh gosh it is body horror.
yeah. i’m trans and my earliest memories are of thinking about body horror because of my innate discomfort with my body.
Literally.
@@choccockeris that fucking gumball sans
This video made me realize why I have a fascination with transformation. Ever since I was a kid I daydreamed about turning into a dragon, and it was as simple as "because it's cool" in the same way I liked Pokemon. But even if it was "just cool" when I was young, it's not just that now. It's the idea of limitless potential with a nonrestrictive body- one where I can be literally anything, gender be damned.
same, shapeshifting is the ultimate superpower I wish I had it so badly
when i was little i read allll of the goosebumps books and my favourite ones all had transformation - also roald dahl's the witches and ofc animorphs
reading turned me trans and furry smhh
Same here, and it never really went away for me… my favourite heroes were always those who somehow transformed into a new form, I read all the goosebumps books where they transformed into something new, you get the point. Maybe obsession with transformation is more of a queer thing than i thought!
@@Eosinophyllis yes!! Link from twilight princess, Sonic Unleashed, etc.
I only read "my friends call me monster" as far as goosebumps stories go, but I was obsessed with it.
@@doukzu far too relatable! I was obsessed with this one goosebumps book where a guy was actually a dog and had been given some sort of medication to keep him in a human form and read almost none of the other ones (I’m pretty sure there was one about a doll too). While most would find that horrifying, there was a certain sort of odd comfort in that for me.
Honestly, "body horror" might be the best way to describe how it feels to be trans, at least for me.
Being forced to act like nothing is wrong, while your body slowly changes into a shape that isn't you anymore, being the only that sees that this isn't you...
That's just plain horrifying.
And the fact that people look at you as something else, some abomination that shouldn't be, as you try to change this body you were stuck in, only makes it worse.
That people you love might turn your backs on you for trying to change into you...
It pisses me off that in so many horror stories, trans people are made out to be the bad guys, when we're more likely to be the victims, as well as the badass people who manage to get through all the horrifying bullsh*t we have to deal with in our lives, often all by ourselves.
Watching this made me hopeful in a way, feel understood, but also makes me want to start focusing my writing on the horror of this situation, as soon as I'm comfortable enough to actually face the subject.
This might just make people be able to better understand.
Sadly, that's also destiny of anyone who is getting old. To observe, how your body less and less become capable to suit you.
This kind of analysis made me think of Tusk, Frankenstein, and The Thing. Becoming soemthing you're not, becoming a monster, and not being able to do anything about it
This puts my feelings perfectly. Thank you.
or chronic illness and disability@@1238a8
@@1238a8OH MY GOD NO
I'm so struck watching this by the overlap between transhumanist literature and body horror literature-- if the transhumanist explores the idea that leaving behind our physical is essential/inevitable to the future of humanity, body horror is in conversation with that, forcing us to sit in the most uncomfortable parts of being flesh. Another banger Ricki, this one might be my fav so far!!
I don't know if you've played it but there is a short-ish VN that hits a lot of the same notes from a sci-fi perspective called Heaven Will Be Mine. It might be something you'd be interested in
@@RickiHirsch will check out!!
@@KatieAndCatburgersteam is having a VN sale so now's a really good time to pick it up !!!
From the transmasc perspective, I totally get the entire possibility of a “body horror” appeal. There were days where I felt so trapped in my body, that I’d take bras, wear them backwards, and use the thin straps in front of my chest as a Frankenstein binder of sorts. Needless to say, it was dangerous. And I knew that. I’d be wearing that rib crusher for 8 hours at a time, and when I’d take it off, there’d be scars on my back and chest. Body horror indeed.
Edit: I’m so happy that the replies have become a place of advice for new trans men 💙
I get that.. I used to wear sport bras from when I was 12. Two of them. It didn’t even flatten my chest, just made me unable to breathe
ngl I'm so happy that I have had a proper binder for a few years now, but I think I still have minor rib damage from middleschool when I would makeshift my own binders. lmao- I remember cutting apart and stitching together some denim pants with a shoelace into a makeshift binder all the way back in 7th. eventually I stopped for a few years until i started again in HS with leg wraps (MANY REGRETS) and a dumb unbreathable cosplay binder I got from amazon for $14. (even MORE regrets.) finally got a GC2B binder when I was 17, and although I definitely need to get a bigger size- it is a much better difference that actually works and doesn't hurt 24/7.. All my little trans guys- please be careful how you go about binding!! Dysphoria sucks but not as bad as permanent rib damage that follows you for years
@@jerminator420 the struggle is real, I get that. You’d try to stack as much as you can, hoping that it’ll flatten it out..only for it to become more prominent.
I've only started trying to bind in the last year since I didn't come out until I was 18 and am taking things slow. (I'm 21 now) The only thing that has worked for me so far is chest tape since I'm a size 5X H E F T Y boyo.
Chest tape doesn't always want to stick to itself. When I first started using chest tape, I didn't know that super glue has a thermal reaction with fabrics, especially cotton. I ended up with an (un)healthy mix of tension blisters, skin tears, and burns for the first few months.
@@Adamant_Adam Kinda envy you, ngl. Born and raised in a country where getting a binder is basically impossible. (Hell; coming out is gonna lead to a possible death penalty!) Very anti LGTBQ+ family, and the general public opinion is the same. Currently 17, so I’ll be using these dangerous binders for a while yet, until I get on my own feet. Don’t worry; I limit my use for as much as I can! Currently using them once a month. Baggy clothes go a long way.
To quote my friends, as far as they're concerned, having a body at all is body horror.
I don't know if others have experienced this, and I don't wanna take away from the original analysis, but as an ace person, body horror speaks to me a lot. Not due to gender dysphoria but because the body will do things that you don't want it to. I hate it and am horrified when my body reacts to things I don't want it, sometimes I even want to go through irreversible changes to avoid having to go through my body's reactions. Shame, sadness, anger, and other emotions come up with the reactions, it's worse when it happens at inappropriate times, like visiting family and such.
fuck thanks i thought i was alone in experiencing this lol
As someone who isn't asexual but aromantic, I'm afraid I don't know the feeling but I would like to try wrapping my head around it- are you saying that when you experience... "arousal reactions", for lack of a more clinical way to word it, it causes dysphoria and disgust in you because of the disconnect in what the body / nerves / sensory system etc is feeling versus what your brain is feeling / going through at the moment? That what the body experiences is so mismatched with what your brain experiences that the disconnect feels really really bad?
As someone who is both trans nonbinary and aroace, I understand both of those. My body is wrong bc its shape isn't me and its reactions are different to my emotions. That disconnect is terrible and sucks. I've mostly made peace with the ace stuff as I'm AFAB and it's not outwardly noticeable. I still hate it, but for me it's the lesser of two evils right now
Being sex adverse and having a low (but not zero) libido is both a curse and a blessing. I'm glad that my libido isn't high, but I hate that I have any at all
Oh my god hearing someone else have this experience helps so much because I legitimately thought I was the only one
I’m asexual and everytime my body reacts in a way I don’t want it to, I really start spiraling into body horror territory because I really want to remove certain “parts”
But I’ve been getting better about not feeling as much shame about (still there, but it’s improving) and I really wish the best for you ❤ you’re not alone in this
Oh I get you so much
I'm probably not 100% ace but still kind of grey-sexual-grey-asexual, from what you described our experiences are still soo simillar though
If you’ve ever read the Fire Punch manga, Togata having infinite regenerative powers and thus being forever trapped in a femme body is its own sort of body horror. I really like reincarnation tropes or immortality tropes where the person’s body returns to its original state… It makes you think about how someone in that position who has a painful disability that could be remedied with surgery or is trans and how they would handle the pain of being constantly returned to what the world has deemed their “natural state.”
Fushimoto has a surprising amount of queer rep considering how few works he has written and where he's from
i saw your xipe pfp and the "disability always returning as a natural state" point immediately made me think of dan shu lol
togata MENTION !!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRUE !!!!!!!!!!!
Christ you’re brilliant for that concept. I almost shuddered reading your comment
@@airplanes_aren.t_real I still love how in chainsaw man he
_ahem_ introduced 5 characters and at the same time showed the relations between them in one panel lol
Sorry for being so unserious, don't worry I can appreciate Fujimoto from other-than-ironic sides too
Honestly, i think body horror and trans identity and trans politics are very closely related.
When I used to be more conservative (read: stupid, and cruel), the impression I got from more conservative circles was that transphobes are grossed out by the idea of transistioning.
Take transphobic books like "irreversible damage", the name itself speaks of a fear of maiming a person, irreversibly damaging themselves. And I think in a big way, that fear of body horror is both the primary motivator for transphobia, and perhaps a way to make trans people more accepted.
We need to find a way to make the body horror of being trapped in the wrong body more scary than these people's discomfort with someone changing their own body.
they don't care about the damage they cause when they're kneeling on your neck! fuck conciliating to a bunch of mansplaining fascists who only want to tell us what we can't do and how they're only protecting us from what we know is right for us, because they know better
This is a really good perspective omg❤
As an ex-incel, your description of "used to be more conservative (read:stupid, and cruel)" is very relatable
I think that the source of that fear from the top down is
Top: a trans person is a small enough demographic that it can't be individually marketed to but big enough to put into question why people are divided into categories in the first place, what is a man if a woman can become one too? What is a woman if a man can be one too? What is either if one can be both or neither?
This would be the executives and investors, they fear the questions that trans existence inherently brings to the mainstream if they choose to not be properly assimilated into society
From the bottom it's a lot more stupid
If you ask around it's usually very surface level stuff: "I think it's weird, I think it's gross, it's way too in my face" but if you even hint at the idea of trying to understand it abit deeper they try to back out immediately or say it's because someone else told them, the more avid bigots are usually unaware soldiers of a bigger cause, they fight and bitch and moan because someone else told them to and would change tactics and targets at the drop of a hat if ordered to
"We need to find a way to make the body horror of being trapped in the wrong body more scary".... Or, and hear me out here, we need to be ok with coming up with a treatment that makes trans people no longer feel like they're trapped in the wrong body.
@@RyokoRHMwe already have treatment. It just has a tendency to be outright banned
Coming here from HBomberguy and being trans myself, immediately resonated with the title as I felt this so much about body horror is just my daily life
reading the panels at around 17:00 to 17:30 broke me into tears. Im 20 years old, have struggled with being a girl since puberty, and have had nonbinary thoughts since I was 14, struggling on and off on trying to be a "real girl" and reading that destroyed me. All I've ever wanted to be was myself, and as someone whos recently gotten extremely close with a trans person and has always been piqued by trans media, I feel like Im finally understanding the parts of myself that has always related to that community. Things I've pushed down so hard for years. I have always loved human anatomy and body horror and always drew myself and various characters in contorted fashions. I think this video has helped me accept myself as nonbinary. Thank you deeply for bringing this to light and to my hands.
Welcome home, friend. ❤
I remember having such a “not like other girls” phase when I was 14, only to realize later I was actually just not a girl
🥲🫂💗
YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS MANY BANGERS IN A ROW. THERE HAS TO BE A LIMIT.
I simply cannot stop cooking
@@RickiHirsch And the videos you cook are 5-stars!
@@RickiHirschPlease keep cooking 🙏🏼
@@NemuDAlt I will do my best
Ricki sweep
As a pre-t trans guy i started legit crying when you were talking about Inside Mari, im gonna have to read it lol. Amazing video, "Puberty can also be body horror" hit like a brick
I hope you enjoy the read. It's a lot but I still think about it often
its genuinely so intersting to see all of these feelings about being a woman instead of a man, because as a transmasc i do not feel this way about womanhood at all. to me being a woman is what feels restricting and trapping and i certainly do not feel that girls are "holy from the inside" lol. while i understand how beautiful womanhood can be it feels so constricting to me and its not something that i want at all
Huh, I've felt the same way about manhood while talking about it with transmasc people in my life. Manhood always felt disempowering and restrictive to me. Mentally, I can understand the appeal but could never connect with it emotionally.
Was it "holy" or "wholly"? The transcript is auto-generated and can't tell
@@k.k.9378 Probably "wholly". I don't recall reading "holy" anywhere in this one
Trans-mascs Trans-fems
Mutual 🤝incomprehension
@@iiiiitsmagreta1240I don’t understand why anyone would want to be a man, but apparently, people do (/lh)
this was amazing, a very small visual novel called We Know the Devil explores a lot of these themes a little bit more explicitly, with body horror involved in the idea of queerness and also themes of social isolation, it's like 40 minutes long and there's 4 endings, I highly recommend it if you see this but it has quite a nice and comforting story.
I loved it when I played it and still think about it often. I probably should have included something in here about both it and Heaven Will Be Mine.
@@RickiHirsch it didn't immediately come to mind that hwbm would share the themes but that's like totally right. Glad to see you've played them though. On a side note, do you have any recommendations for media that has a similar feel and similar themes? I've been looking for stuff for ages.
@@haggisllama2630 Unfortunately, I don't. I've been looking but haven't found anything either :(
@@haggisllama2630 After looking for actual years since I played We Know The Devil I actually have a handful of similar games i've found. Ascension is a fan made spiritual successor to WKTD and it goes into the body horror side more explicitly. Another would be If Found witch has next to no body horror but deals with similar themes and has a much more 'grounded' feel to it - its pretty heartbreaking though. :)
YES! WktD was fantastic, some of Jupiter's dialogue still lives rent-free in my skull!!
As a trans non-binary who’s been raised in a Christian home that said that being gay and trans and I quote made someone “not even human” by my dad, I always felt like a monster, one that was to be hunted, I felt like an Eldritch being, a god to my creations as an artist and story creator, but also a devil making their trauma and flaws. I’ve only started to reconsile both of these views or myself.
I'm sorry if this is a strange thing to say, but you are not a monster and your father is not God. Your father was wrong, warped by the culture he was trained in to see people who are different as threats to the intensely heteronormative, exclusive form of Christianity he felt safe in. But God is for everybody, not just the fascists who think only people that look and act like them deserve to be considered human. Coming from a queer Christian, let me just say that God loves you and wants you to be yourself. He couldn't create the world without you in it because to leave you out would have been an act of vandalism, making the world worse by omission. I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're you. Thank you. I hope your terrible experience growing up didn't ruin God for you. Believe me, I know what that's like.
@@samuelcorbett8167 thank you, I need this, I’m not Christian for the sake of staying away from reminders if I am to heal. I know Christianity isn’t evil and I’m glad you were able to reconcile with your faith, my path to healing in diffrent. I’m turning 17 a few days from writting this, so thank you.
@@E3AloeLi It's a long road, but it gets better. I'm proud of you.
@@samuelcorbett8167 thank u 🥹
My relationship with body horror, as a trans person, has always been kinda weird. A lot of stories I've grown up with treat our humanity as this sacred thing, that changing your body, losing your humanity is a horrible sin, on par with murder and other things. And then you have me, who'd stick a needle of G-virus in her thigh if it meant the ensuing mountain of teeth and viscera I'd turn into would obscure my more masculine traits.
I don't really pass that well except from very specific angles, and my experience with puberty was uh... nightmarish. So for the past several years, I've been telling myself that I've been living body horror IRL for so long, it doesn't phase me in fiction anymore.
I don't know if it's that simple. But it makes me feel a little better about myself.
This was an interesting comment to read particularly for the Resident Evil-reference as that really got me thinking on how body horror is read differently from a "cishet" perspective, for a loss of better ways to word it, as a cishet dude myself.
I'm not denying that body horror that depicts such changes as unnatural or awful have undertones of "retvrn to tradition" bullshit, but with RE in particular so much of the horror and transformations feel like it's meant to be in service of capital. When the Umbrella corporation turns people into zombies and turns them away from "what they are", it is for the purpose of making them tools in the plans of Umbrellas rich asshole bosses and their own schemes. To be transformed in RE is to LOSE control and autonomy- to surrender and become a cog to the biological warfare / medical industries schemes and be made into an obedient, mindless form that follows the directives of those on top. It is to become dehumanized- Dr Birkin becomes so lost in his work and in his own issues, that the G-creature he becomes turns into a danger to his very own family. Like, he metaphorically impregnates his own daughter because he can't control himself anymore (and ooooh LORD is there a ton of shit we can read into THAT that I am not equipped to handle). And the one individual who DOES benefit from all the weird virus-juice he injects himself with? Wesker, the man whose wealth and priviledge has put him at the tippy top of the "foodchain" (or Alexa if we're going even deeper even if it feels like Capcom doesn't wanna remember her anymore), he can afford to shoot up the GOOD stuff that was tested on the poor unfortunate souls who became test subjects for his benefit. This is most likely the reigning perspective or the one that is closest to most cishet people when we encounter bodyhorror, because while we may not have experience with gender dysphoria, I think the VAST majority of us have experiences with the horrors of existing under capitalism and being made lesser / mindless by it, so that perspective becomes the closest to our hearts when we think of body horror.
Of course, this perspective that all body transformative stuff is just for the rich and just serves to diminish the average person... IS ableist and transphobic if you take it to it's logical conclusion that change always bad, because people with chronic illnesses and people who are trans, as you say, would be all about that Virus-juice if it could help them with their issues, and treating the "original" body as always sacrosanct is not right because it doesn't take those people into consideration... but I also can't say that perspective is entirely WRONG when any advancements in medicine and technology sure as hell always seems to be used and mastered by the rich for the benefit of the rich and their continued profit first, actually useful to the majority of humanity maaaybe a distant second. And as long as that revolutionary science will be used as a tool for profit and control, stories that demonize and fear it will always have at least a kernel of validity.
So maybe we can summarize it all as- we could ALL have dope-ass tentacle-tooth growths and do sick Matrix flips with glowing eyelasers as we conscioualy mold our bodies into the shapes we wish for them to have rather than what the genetic lottery gave us, if we could only overthrow capitalism so that instead of rich people hoarding the good stuff and only allowing the common working stiff to be a zombie, and not even something COOL like a Hunter or Tyrant, it could be available to all and sundry. Fully Automated Super-Viral Communism is the way, I guess.
❤💋
Similar to the manga you discussed, there is this really interesting one-shot written by Fujimoto, the author of Chainsaw Man, called “Woke Up As A Girl Syndrome”. It takes a somewhat common trope of a boy suddenly waking up as a girl, but instead of using it as wish fulfillment for a closeted trans girl it turns into an existential crisis for a cis guy. The MC hates being trapped in a girl’s body and the way he gets treated by his classmates basically acts as this… parallel or other side of the coin for how a lot of trans people are treated. He gets forced to use the girl’s locker room and called a pervert even though that’s not the one he wants to use, his bullies go from bullying him to sexually harassing him, and he feels uncomfortable about the idea of being naked around or having sex with his girlfriend since his body doesn’t fit him anymore. It’s one of Fujimoto’s earliest works so it isn’t too polished and it’s length prevents it from getting too deep, but I still found it really compelling and a fascinating way to translate the trans experience on to a cis character.
Where can I buy “woke up as a girl syndrome?” Thank you for bringing this book up because this is something I’m really interested in!
@@Claudia-hs7gn It’s a one shot that Fujimoto wrote that initially didn’t get a published release but has now been put out as part of a two his two Volume collection of old shots he did called “The Before Chainsaw Man Anthology”. I just read the one shot online. Pretty easy to find if you just search for it.
As a cis person, I didn't really understand gender dysphoria as an experience until I read Wandering Son. For all it's shortcomings, framing gender dysphoria through puberty really helped me connect to the emotions. I can remember being a young teen and looking in the mirror but not recognizing myself and I remember feeling distress over my body changing in ways I did not want or like. Even if it was never strictly related to my gender, I did experience discomfort watching my body drift away from my perception of myself.
So when the manga portrayed its trans characters in silent anguish as their bodies grew in ways discordant with their gender, it struck a cord with me. I felt horror on the behalf of these children who were grappling with what it meant for their bodies to betray them, facing a future where they had to live with bodies that didn't feel like their own. The idea that those feelings of discomfort would never subside, that you'd always be chaffing against the way you looked and were perceived by those around you, always be at odds with the way your body was shaped and functioned... That seemed tragic. It certainly felt like body horror to read.
I'm looking forward to checking out Shuzo Oshimi's work. I'm surprised I haven't come across it before!
Wandering Son is phenomenal at getting that point across. I love the story but it's hard to go revisit because it gets too close to home.
I never had something like gender dysphoria but this video made me realize that for someone else (and sometimes even for myself) living in my body would be a body horror expirience because sometimes the body would stop responding when you are under a lot of stress or sensory input, and suddently you'd not be able to speak or even move.
note: As writing this I'm incapable of speak
"An artist giving their all to their art" is a beautiful quote.
I still think about it often
As a trans person (nonbinary genderfluid) I have noticed that a lot of queer/trans people (myself included) often crave the aspects of more "traditional" body horror, such as lycanthropy, vampirism, alien transformation, extreme medical procedures, robot/cyborg bodies, etc. It's almost like we romanticize the extremes of what we already experience as a way to cope with the dysphoria and discomfort we have in our lives.
Always great seeing someone talk about Shuzo's work. He's definitely one of my favorite mangaka. So rare to see an author create work about adolescent sexuality in a way that isn't exploitative or gross.
I am non-binary and I have always, since a young age, been fascinated with horror and body horror, it always felt thrilling and I felt deeply connected to the horror shown on screen and the ephemeral feelings inside me. Gender identity and horror just make sense to me
You know, Inside Mari kind of speaks to me. When I was a young, miserable egg in middle school, I was obsessing over this trans guy who I occasionally saw in the hallways. The only way I dealt with my miserable feelings was by writing and drawing myself as him. It was weird, but it helped me get through one of the hardest periods of my life.
And it's not exactly "body horror", but the "adrift" feeling of "I don't want to be my AGAB but I don't want to be the 'opposite' one either" is its own lonely kind of feeling, especially when you don't have any vocabulary to put to it. I sure didn't know the word "nonbinary" when I was a teenager. I just went around thinking I was the only one. But I guess we have several fictional and allegorical stories of "I thought I was the only one" haha.
omg thought that was a confederate flag in ur pfp i was so confused
I read AGAB as assigned gay a birth lol
@@Evie_games007 to be fair, I spent about 30 years in denial that I was "assigned gay at birth" lmao
@@AroundTheBlockAgain it be like that sometimes
I had to stop at the Inside Mari part about "suddenly a period" and just breath. The panel was exactly how it felt to get my first cycle at age 11. And how it felt to be told "you must wear a bra because that's not fat, it's boobs" at age 9. And then have my cycles and body mature quicker than most at my age but also my cycle became twisted into PCOS and Endometriosis symptoms at age 13 (which I didn't learn about until I was 26...) and thus I have trauma from so much related to just being born female. I consider myself a woman because... that's what I know. To try to live differently... wouldn't help me personally, and would probably cause extra complications that I don't need. But would I press the "be born a woman" button if I had a choice? Hell no. Maybe if I could have gotten a very different model, like something more androgynous or at least prone to being slim and not weighed down so much by the female specific organs and their health conditions, but never this body. I only was able to "overcome " some of the period trauma due to birth control pills making my awful cycles go away. I will never like having boobs but they balance the rest of me so... ehhhhhh. Don't have the means to change it anyway beyond standard "try to diet, exercise, blah to keep everything as healthy as possible", which is directly more difficult with the endocrine issues. End result... I am me, which can really suck, but I have learned to be much happier with myself than I was in my early years and college years. I would still push the "new body" button if it existed, but I'm okay. I hope others with this same "horror" from their bodies can find ways that work for them to love themselves within whatever means they have.
gods okay this has been my experience like, almost to a t (just minus the pcos or endometriosis..as far as ik lol) but just like. yeah. wow. honestly though, if you can swing it financially and like, think its right for you, binding has been really good for me with regards to this specifically? like, its not perfect, ofc, but its genuinely been so much better
@@brennan911 Hey, I just wanted to say I appreciate your reply and I'm so sorry you also experienced these feelings. I am... quite large so I can't really bind, haha. But I was able to find some plus sized sports bras on Torrid that sort of... keep everything in place and eliminate a lot of the natural movement, and they at least help immensely with the whole... "Ah yes, must wrangle these for the day" frustrations that can come with getting dressed as a female. Like just removing the frustration of the hooks and wires at least makes the process less... Everything. And I don't have to adjust these bras constantly like all past ones, and I feel less bothered overall. So I guess this is close to binding for me...? I am at least not as stressed getting ready for the day. I hope you continue to find things that assist you and wish you the best of fortune in life.
women experience a lot of body horror from a young age, huh 🥹 for me it was realizing my body could be seen as “dirty” or perceived sexually from the age of 8 (at least consciously from that age, i probably sensed it even earlier). my mom would ask w to “cover up” and “always sit with my legs crossed and pull my skirt down” whenever the older uncles came around (and ive had a traumatic experience with one of them too). i remember feeling hyper conscious of my body and wanting to escape from it whenever i was looked at for too long by men. getting my period was awful too, and then being hyper conscious of the way id sit, stand and move even more than before. i would have very heavy and painful periods too, though these days it’s a bit more bearable. but the worst was definitely my boobs growing out. just like you said, ive often thought about how nice it would be if we could customise our frames and the size of our boobs like we would a video game character. whenever im on a character customisation screen in video games i play out my fantasies of having a flat chested and androgynous body. it hurts to say but i dont like my boobs. i dont want to be “feminine”. yet im resigned to this body. it’s horrifying. sorry for word vomiting under your comment. i hope i can be comfortable in my body one day. but ive felt detached and isolated from it for so long that trying to reconnect with it will take a lot of work. ive been trying and its been difficult. im really happy for you though, i hope i can love myself and my body one day too. ❤ ;-;
@@obscuredangel Just replying to you, to give you empathy and love, and to let you know that I am 200% cheering for you to find love for yourself and find the solutions that help you love your body, whatever those solutions might be. It does indeed take time, for so many of us. Please do not give up, and definitely find people to help your mind on the worst of days. Ask a gynecologist about your options to help with periods, as getting some relief from that can help the mind start to heal from some of these things we have gone through and still go through. Again, much love.
@@obscuredangeland here I am feeling not feminine enough because my boobs are not big. I feel like women with more voluptuous chest are more female than I am, like am pretending to be a woman, I even feel like my genitals not as pretty and womanly as it in other more attractive girls. It's irrational but feels so real, I'm envious of other feminine women because I feel insuperior, feel like am a awkward guy beside them.
oh my god i think this video just helped me realise why i struggle so much with romantic relationships?? i'm a bisexual trans man, but i present androgynously because it's easier to do that and joke about my gender in real life, than try my best to present masculinely
(because although i do enjoy dressing androgynously, i want to be perceived as a man, but if i try, i'll only get myself in danger, so i look fem-leaning androgynous)
i think it stems from knowing my partners don't perceive me masculinely, or as a man. i'm very feminine, i have far too many curves, and i know they don't see me like that, because they're just trying to ease my worries in the end, not actually seeing me in that light
its been so hard to move forward with romantic relationships and i think the one i'm in (with a cishet guy) is nearing it's end. i genuinely think my gender is the issue.
I know this is serious but if I may make a corny joke: it's time for you to kick the bi/pan/omni fence and pick someone that falls off of it. You can't fail if there's no fail condition!
@@wren_. GOD FORREAL. honestly, you probably are bisexual, or t4t when it comes to men?? (or, perhaps, t4t in general), i think that's how it is for me too because honestly it's more difficult trying to explain trans thoughts and issues to cis people
@@idiotrat2698 i’m like 90% sure i’m bi, but the problem is i would only want to date a man if i didn’t have to look like a girl while doing it. until i get top surgery i’m probably gonna be exclusively dating women for a while
I don't think your gender is the issue. I think the issue is that you, a man, are dating another man who isn't into men. That's not a great situation.
I believe in you and I know you have the ability to find someone who will fully accept you for who you are.
Where do you live/what's your family situation? I've found that at least where I live people have been way less shitty to myself and my friends about changing gender expression/straight up transitioning than I was worried they'd be. I get misgendered sometimes but nobody has ever said anything shitty about it, much less threatened or assaulted me. And I work retail, so I deal with a ton of people every day. I think we sometimes overestimate the danger because we're really afraid of change
I read all of inside mari in one night and now i feel more dysphoric than i ever have before 🔥🔥
I read welcome back Alice and wow… i wish i were born a girl, (also it has a lot of sexual harassment but i feel like it has a purpose we’ll just have to wait and find out)
@@immkk1125 yeah i get that and if you were uncomfortable i completely get it, in my opinion it had a point. I may also be wrong though
@@astora1584nevermind sorry for my dumb comment
@@immkk1125 no it wasnt dumb you have a really good point cause i also feel kind of mixed on it, it just has a lot of staying power in my brain
Tokyo ghoul: re had a trans masc? Character that basically was a compilation of all of the fears of trans men and the horror this character went through reflected these fears. It made for a blood chilling story that left me dysphoric after reading it. The irony is that the writer wasn’t intending on making super accurate horror for trans people-he just doesn’t seem to particularly like LGBT people 😂
I've only just a year ago realised my womanhood as a transwoman, after being on hormones for about two maybe three years and identifying as nonbinary. Upon finding my partner who recently came out to me and her world as a transwoman, I've gravitated towards a subtle masculinity, even though appreciating my body as a woman's body. Even though having not gone through any surgery, my hormonal transition has made me comfortable enough in my womanhood to BE a woman, and not particularly caring about what clothes i place on my feminine body. It wasn't always like this, definitely, and i still experience dysphoria in my voice, but gender euphoria in my transbody, and that's a little scary, because I was once used to being comfortable with the discomfort. Now, I'm discomforted by the comfort.
I love your videos, and you're inspiring to me.❤
I had never heard that framing before I relate to "being discomforted by the comfort" a lot especially in the last few years. Thank you for the kind words as well. It means a lot to me.
For all of the time I've spent within the horror genre, and my deep love for the body horror genre for the discomfort it can cause and questions it can force to be asked, I don't think I've ever really considered it from this angle. This was a great listen, and an informative one.
Thank you for the epiphany on the genre. Hopefully I can keep learning about it the longer I watch
As a trans person, whos favorite horror genera is body horror, I couldn't agree more with this video. The genera reminding me that human bodies are just meat to be manipulated gives me an insane level of comfort when struggling through the more painful parts of my existence. Thank you for giving words to that experience. This was an incredibly lovely video
Genre, not genera
Normally I wouldn't correct a spelling error, but you spelled it as my name so I couldn't resist, sorry lol
@@CoolestSwordFighter What??
Oh my God, I am so glad hbomb recommended this amazing essay.
So glad to have found your channel, instant subscribe
As a cis man, this has given me more insight to the experience of trans people. Great video, now I have two more manga to read :)
@@OHHHHUSBANT what?
You could read a more lighthearted one, if i may suggest. "Boys run the riot" has a fashion motif but is a rather interesting story about finding yourself. It hits close to home in a few spots, but everyone's story and life is different.
It might give you a little insight into queer joy, not just queer struggles.
i just gotta say i LOVE body horror as a trans man and i can connect with them so well. the fly, alien and the thing are some of my favorites of all time. also love kafka's metamorphosis and aku no hana. Heck, i even liked that about kimi no na wa. I'm planning to pick up blood on the tracks, and now, inside mari and okaeri alice as well! I'm so happy to see a video like this, I thought i was alone and goin crazy finding comfort in body horror.
It's interesting you mention the Metamorphosis. I read that as a young teen and loved it. I didnt even have vocabulary about body horror, but I had chronic pain and mental illness that made me feel useless and powerless. The story made me feel less alone.
But maybe that's why, as a cis woman, I have always had strong empathy for the trans experience in our culture. I know what it's like to feel utterly powerless over my body, and to feel like an alien, and to feel hated for something I can't control.
I once asked my doctor, "Why does this keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong?" And she replied, "You aren't doing anything. You were BORN like this." It was such a gift to be told that. It was the first step in not blaming myself for the parts of my body that felt wrong.
Anyway, this was longer than it needed to be and now I'm crying lol. But just wanted to say, I understand. Obviously I can't feel what it's like to be trans, but feeling trapped in a body that feels wrong is a hellish experience, and I understand that much. More cis folks need to realize that the trans experience (without gender affirming care) is (similar to) any other chronic health issue.
Wow, thank you for writing this down. I do agree one doesn't neccessarily have to be trans to understand it better, I wish people were just a bit more kind towards us and realize that there are some things we just can't control. And once again, I really appreciate your comment and I hear you.
I loved kimi no na wa, my favourite movie for sure
can we just talk about how the tumbnail goes hard? like i cllicked on this video solely because of it and now i'm starting to enjoy it
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i got so interested in this "inside mari" that I have to go read it and come back to this video later! thanks for introducing me to a concept I've never thought about before. As someone who struggles to process what exactly "body dysphoria" feels like or is, an introspective of this helps me understand my peers who do and hopefully get a little closer to exactly defining my own experience. Also, I've never really cared for horror, so this is double intriguing!
It comes with some CWs but I hope you enjoy it
I'm a cis, bisexual bodybuilder from California, and I always thought there wasn't really any body horror that could really hit me on a personal level. I always enjoyed it, but never really found anything that hit that special spot that personally affected me...until recently.
Then I watched Body Melt, an Australian flick from 1993. And it hit on my suspicions about my steroids, the fact hitting the gym too hard can cause my body to betray me in some rather nasty ways...it got to me.
I hadn't had such viscerally upsetting nightmares in years until that movie.
rather nasty ways? like what? im curious
@@jirairaikei Did you know that if you don't respect the squat form and weight, it can make your entire back collapse in on itself?
Did you know going too hard on bicep curls can make your bicep tear off of your arm?
@@DAsrada WHOA
there’s a very obscure manga that i read a while ago titled « transjitter », yes it’s a gender bender and no it’s not what i thought it was going to be at all. i’m not really sure if i understood it well but it showed a side of the genre that rarely gets talked about, which is the body dysphoria part. the story follows a depressed gay high schooler who one day wakes up with the « opposite » body, the way the author shows the resentment the character has towards his own sexuality and gender and how suddenly since he’s « a girl » now he can date whatever guy he wants except that’s not what he wanted…it was really raw. i know this will be extremely triggering, all the triggers you can think of are present (which is why i dropped it) like homophobia, transphobia, internalized misogyny, SA, and obviously SH, so i just wanted to inform you about this as it may (or may not) be another way of showing true body horror in its purest forms
I read it based off your comment, It was a great read, and it turned my gut a few times.
I recently read "Boys run the Riot" which is about a trans kid, representative of the author who is a trans man in Japan. It's not a horror but more heartfelt kind of finding yourself story and how he lives in an area(country) where transness isn't well understood but he manages to find true friends who try to understand who he truly is and the story uses Fashion as a motif.
I’m barely a minute into this video but the whole “I have a gender and I must scream” speaks SO MUCH to me. As a genderfluid person who’s favorite novella is “I Have No Mouth”, I saw that and KNEW this was a video for me.
Okay now I’ve finished the video, and I’m gonna cry this video was amazing. Thank you for this.
It is really nice to see somebody else talk about gender and body horror in the way that I have always felt about it. The link between the two is extreme, and back when I was suffering dysphoria but didn't know I was trans, I didn't really understand body horror. I was living it. I didn't see how I could be anything worse than what I already was.
Now, having been transitioning for years, body horror is uncomfortably poignant to me. It hits too close to home for me to ever truly enjoy, and yet it often captivates me. It used to be my lived experience, and there is almost nothing I fear more than returning to it.
This was, amazing to watch. Thank you. So much. I'm on a bus driving to a church where people begrudgingly tolerate my existence for the sake of my grandmother and making sure she makes the trip safely. I needed this a lot.
Thank you. Hoping the best for ya
when i first read inside mari, i felt a really deep connection to the main character. i felt that she was just as insane as i felt sometimes, enough to imagine herself as a completely different person. ive felt insane enough at times to almost fully believe in reincarnation out of desperation, or question if gender is really even real or not. inside mari and other works really connected to me.
Hbomb brought me here! But of course I have wanted to find some interesting analyses on body horror for a while bc imo it's the horror subgenre that has the most potential artistically. Great stuff. I would love to see some horror that tackles gender even more explicitly in concept
Loving how this video opened with discussing vampires. I literally wrote my English final in college about why vampires are all gay, citing the exact same points you did. One of the major contributors to this is that Horror as a genre is just weird and historically always alternative. Consider how much of horror's DNA comes from gothic stories. Gothic literature was always the antithesis to what was popular at the time. Naturally, these genres attract people and groups who are similarly "on the fringe." Marginalized. As a result, there has come to be a massive LGBTQ influence on nearly every piece of horror you can find.
It's a fascinating history. That DNA even carried over into film with lots of gay actors, directors and screen writers having worked on many of the most famous early horror films. Horror really is just for the gays.
@@RickiHirsch yes! One of my favorite bits of information, which inspired the essay, was when I read Carmilla, edited by Carmen Maria Machado, and on page 69 (yes, really), she added a footnote to the description of Laura getting her blood sucked. The note simply read: "If this isn't an org[**]m, nothing is." (Censored so it will not get blocked by UA-cam.) I thought it was really funny so I wrote my essay on it, and ended up enjoying writing it more than I expected.
The way body horror is meaningful to both trans people and disabled people alike is so special to me as a disabled and chronically ill trans man. Trans people and disabled people can often be made to feel othered, "freak-ish" or in some cases even "monstrous" by society. There is such a unified understanding in this, I feel.
I know I've always felt an odd connection to body horror from a young age watching and enjoying certain horrific things and horror imagery. It's a fascinating analysis of bodies, and of the self, and how we feel about it all; the good, the bad, and the somethings in between. Because there's always "otherness" beyond the black and white (even when you fall into the black and white categories yourself).
Love it all. Stay freaky on this rock and in this society that often isn't freaky enough, if you ask me. 🧡
No way I started this video, got really into the plot for Inside Mari, decided to read it in one sitting and came back here to finish this 😭
Honestly, totally understandable
I did the exact same thing haha
I don't have a lot to say, just sharing my love. Really enjoyed the video, I'm a trans person in a place where that isn't easily accepted and it's extremely difficult to "legally" transition here, so content like this is always great to see. You do you, and fuck everyone that has a problem with it.
Thank you and well said
I relate to both "Inside Mari" and "Welcome Back Alice" very heavily. I feel the more I grow up, the more I "become" a woman (physically) the more I become the opposite. Whether that is me rejecting traditional (the act of) femininity or just wanting to be a man, I want to be nothing. I neither wish to be a man nor a woman. I wish to exist outside of perception. Being perceived makes me choose whether to be for or against. If I choose one, I am acting consciously or unconsciously due to the options I am given. Do I really have a choice? If I choose not to be a woman, was that choice made for me because of my surroundings? Or is that true for the opposite. I cannot exist without others existing in oppositition; that is the paradox. Whether or not I am a woman is not my choice but I wish it were.
This was so incredibly insightful. I've had this video pop up many times in my recommended, but I've never clicked on it our of a worry that it would make me go "oh no" about my own gender more than I already do. But this was great. Really well written.
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it
Wildly interesting - I’d never considered that the ability to change the body would be such a comforting idea. Wonderful video!
I'm a new subscriber due to hbomberguy. This video locked me in as a subscriber.
I admit, I still have issue with how to perceive my sense of gender. I sometimes wish I could be convincingly feminine, but also I also wish to keep some masculine traits. I wish I could be more fluid with my gender, but I just do not have the body to do it. Yet something that carries me, is the thought of the potential to be if my body could be more genderfluid. It's why these types of stories are fascinating to me and is a factor in the ones I am trying to write.
This video also informed me of a Cronenberg movie I missed.
Plus you make fighting game content. So this channel is made for me
this is one of the best video essays i've experienced this year, every 30 seconds of going through this i was going ''ohhh woah!'' this is what i actually was starving for all this time. love you girl 💞
Glad you enjoyed it! 💛
great rec on Alice, I'd seen bits of it over time but hearing it described as a masterpiece really piqued my interest.
It's down to the last chapter iirc. It wasn't what I expected. It kinda feels more like Oshimi deconstructing a lot of the ideas that show up in Inside Mari. If you like his other work, it's a strong recommend.
My sister told me that one of the translations of Dracula changed it so that they were explicitly gay and in a relationship. I've also heard of someone saying that a lo.g time ago, the only way people could get away with having gay couples in books was to make them have a tragic end where they never got to be together.
Yeah there was something called the Hayes code that stipulated to movie makers that immoral people could never be portrayed in a sympathetic light. The list of immoralities consisted of things like murder, adultery, not respecting authority figures like police officers, and in the same breath, stuff like any "deviant" sexual acts which included homosexuality, women seducing men (not the other way around), as well as portrayals of effeminate men and masculine women. Thankfully it ended but it set back filmmaking by decades and it's a big reason why we even today we have so many queercoded villians and ambiguous gays in media.
@@Keepcalmandcupcakes that's interesting.
@kayleejazz1669 cool, thank you.
@DraculaCronqvist from what I heard the gay on wasn't in English. It was another language. No English translator would have allowed that.
@DraculaCronqvist closer to a parody than violation but yeah i tihnk
a twitter follower of mine recommended this video to me and i am SO GLAD THEY DID! I love horror, Cronenberg is probably my favorite horror director (well...maybe behind Lynch) and even before I found out he was pro-trans watching his movies made me feel like "he gets it. somehow, some way, he gets it". Hearing him call us artists who fully commit actually made me tear up. I'm very squeamish about medical stuff and healing from my top surgery was mentally difficult with me. I always had to have my partner next to me when I changed my dressings, just for moral support. It thought about "body horror" a lot there, but I also thought about it every time I looked in the mirror pre-surgery and saw...growths...that just didn't align with me. He understands the duality of the beauty and of the horror of transformation, and I think that's why his films speak to me so much.
This randomly showed up in my feed, and as a recently cracked egg 4 months into her medical transition I needed to watch it, thank you
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Wishing you nothing but the best
i like ur voice!! i normally cant focus during long videos but ur voice is very comforting. i look forward to putting on more of ur videos in the bg in the future ^^
Thank you. I'm very insecure about how I sound so that means the world.
MAN “puberty as body horror” hits really hard for me, having gone through precocious puberty and having recognized my physical dysphoria years before figuring out i was trans
also: another explicitly queer (and trans specifically) body horror story i HIGHLY recommend is the game “the missing”, that game made me so emotional
The Missing is incredible. I was crying for the last hour or so of the game.
I was completely fine with girlhood until my boobs started growing. now, I have two unwieldy balls of flesh strapped my chest and i will never be a girl again.
I took an undergraduate class taught by a professor who posited that Bram Stoker was Gay and Dracula was based on Oscar Wilde. The text we read from had her academic paper published in the back of the edition assigned for her class.
I have not finished the video yet but I must say that I am SO HAPPY to see closet monster in your video!!! it's my absolute favourite movie, and it's so comforting to finally see someone talk about it's body horror aspect!! thank you!!
It's so good!
I so badly want to make a video in conversation with this one from a more trans masculine perspective… linking it all together with the thesis that not only gender is body horror but that body horror is solidarity
That's a beautiful idea. If you decide to do it. I'll be looking forward to it.
I’m surprised your channel is so small, this video’s quality is insane! Your analyses of these different works are fantastic, covering both well known media and things people may consider more obscure.
The idea of transness being linked to body horror has been something that I’ve thought about for a while, especially after my own revelations about my gender. You covered everything so perfectly in the video, like puberty and how bodies are naturally gross and weird. I feel like nowadays people don’t understand that humans are naturally gross because of the fact we are built imperfect and weird, and so understanding that we are made like this is something I find valuable when it comes to self-image.
I watched myself day by day transform into something I couldn't control, I felt like a werewolf, I became something I didn't recognize, I'm still trying to find myself but I'm glad I'm not the only one who has found this connection with bodyhorror
… I’ve been avoiding watching this video cause I knew it was going to cut my brain open and 100% explain my obsession with body horror. Did not disappoint haha.
This feels so refreshingly comforting to me. Well read, well spoken, and done with great care. Amazing video!
My friend saw me watching this and said, "Imagine having gender" I envy them, I have never seen them scream.
Just wanted to say that in the book Silence of the Lambs the author uses a psychologist to clarify that he isn't trans, he even states that it would be harmful to say that Bill was trans. I don't remember the page but it's in there.
this happens in the film too, but it's Hannibal that clarifies that bill is not trans
Well, to be fair, the author didn’t seem to understand what being trans really meant anyway. But sure…
> Says the villain isn't trans
> Heavily codes the villain as trans anyway
> His work fuels transphobic propaganda for decades
What did he mean by this?
@@Cr33pysku11 back in the day, writers used to make certain characters lgbtq to increase shock value, because gay people are scaaaary!
blame Psycho (1960, dir. Alfred Hitchcock), that movie is the one that kinda started the whole trend
Hannibal says it in the movie too! People just ignored it
I honestly ended up crying a little bit while watching this video. I've always felt like your essay style videos always have a very humane perspective to them and this one really touched me in a personal way. the segment about Inside Mari really spoke to me as a transfemmine person. struggling to come across as a women to the rest of society is incredibly difficult to begin with. Then you add the fact that you were born in a "male body", it can make it feel like you'll be able to pass or be taken seriously as a women. Her suffering from menstrual cramps being used to reminder her of the struggles of having a female body reminds me of the own struggles I go through whenever I look at a part of my body that triggers my dysphoria.
as much as reading stuff like this can hurt, it's always something I've found emotionally fulfilling to me. Whenever I see the pain of someone else, whatever that be in real life or in fiction, it's always been one of the most powerful motivators for me to do something to make life better for me or people around me. reading stories of people struggling with mental health issues and/or abuse played a big part in inspiring me to go to the school to become a social worker earlier in my life. Now reading about stories from other trans people discussing their experiences with gender dysphoria has inspired me to try and go through the process of transitioning despite how scary it can be. thank you for making these videos, it means a lot to me (and probably a lot of other people as well).
Thank you. I'm moved that something I made could have that kind of impact. I firmly believe that fiction can help people find perspective and motivation. I've also found emotional fulfillment in painful stories including some that also helped me come to the decision to transition. It might be scary but I used to tell myself maybe it would be weirder if it wasn't at least a little intimidating. Wishing nothing but the best for you.
As a cis man who loves horror, this video is a nice escape from my personal bubble! I love seeing other people talk about stuff so particular to their world view and reality.
I'm facing a kind of "cosmic horror" situation (as an analogy) because I've been a christian since birth. But there are so many things that I can't ignore anymore about life and how other christians behave. This existential, even identity crisis, has been stressing me out so much. It feels like there's no escape, like I'll never find an answer and no matter what I choose, will be the wrong decision.
"becoming the sculptor /and/ the marble" why am I crying??
Thank you UA-cam algorithm for recommending this video. So interesting and well put together!
To be honest I get really uncomfortable when my brain becomes aware of my body. I still don’t know if it’s connected to my current struggle with gender identity or not but the feeling definitely started during puberty. It was also the time I started to get into horror and I really love horror, especially psychological horror.
I have never thought of gender dysphoria this way... Thank you a lot for this video. It makes me think about a lot of things. Thanks to your video and the comment section, I learned how painful and exasperating all this transition and gender dysphoria situation can be. I know I will never understand it completely. But for me, there is nothing more important than knowing problems and frustrations of different people, so I could try to help and empathize way better if i meet someone in that situation.
Summarizing, I learned a lot of values wirh your video. Thank you.
This video is incredibly helpful and well timed for me, as I'm in the process of planning a body horror based on gender dysphoria
If you think about, most things based off of gender dysphoria are body horror to a degree
Average day at a gynecologist when I’ve already started passing for a year as everyone stares at you, I am literally too scared to go to a gynecologist without my little sister.
It also doesn’t help the pharmacy next to the hospital constantly probes me saying “this can’t be for you, stop lying” every time I visit them. It’s basically a horror irl anyway so it’s accurate in that sense lmao.
not really a manga reader but but i might consider reading inside mari now. queerness in psychological horrors/thrillers has been my favorite (and sadly rare) type of genre for a while now and its so nice finding more of it. (too bad a lot of it gets hogged by people that completely misinterpret it- which annoys me a lot as a trans person,,,) btw, amazing video!!!!!
One of the movies that *really* resonated with me was The Skin I Live In, which I think can certainly be labeled as a psychological horror film even though it lacks a lot of other typical attributes of the horror genre as a whole. But the way it actually manages to capture the feeling of being stuck in a body you do not identify with was just superb, and it also resonated a lot with me as a trans man because his experience was being stuck in a female body despite having a male identity.
As of late as more people around me have become pregnant, I've begun to think more about the chestburster scene from Alien though, and how it's in many ways symbolic of unwanted pregnancy. While I'm sure women who became pregnant against their wills or were forced to carry out a pregnancy against their will can relate, I can also relate as a trans man to that experience because I've always viewed pregnancy and birth as body horror, but outside of that one scene, I don't think any particular movie beyond The Skin I Live In has ever truly resonated with me on a personal level. Videodrome is my favorite Cronenberg movie though.
I absolutely agree The Skin I Live In is a horror film. So many of those scenes went from odd to terrifying during my rewatch. I'm having a hard time thinking of movies that do a better job of portraying the feeling of being trapped in your body.
I've only watched this video once and I am already so in love with it. just a feeling of being welcomed home and being understood, I don't know it sounds weird but for someone having watched sth like this talking about gender and all for the first time like this, it is such a breath of fresh air, queerness and horror for me have always been connected and I have long had a love for both and it's just... so welcoming and nice to see something like this
also if body dysphoria ever gets to be a horror genre I am so here for it, I think it'll be a wonderful category to explore SO MANY concepts in them I am excited to see what the future holds
I'm in the same boat. If there is any genre that could explore body dysphoria, it's horror.
(obligatory “i’m here from Hbomberguy”) jfc thank you so much for this insight. really put words to my complex gender feelings. i nearly cried when you said to “be nice to yourself” at the end
I'm glad it was helpful. I think everyone needs a reminder to be nice to themselves sometimes. I know I sure do.
On youtube, I run across so many video essays about movies, most of which approach their subject superficially and never delve into the full significance of the filmmaking they mean to cover. It's a rare gift to find a video essay that does filmmaking and its topic justice. I'm very grateful that you made and shared this thought-provoking piece. It helped me understand a lot about my own fascination with horror.
Although it is neither horror nor directly covers queer topics, I Lost My Body is an adult animation french film with elements of horror the explores trauma and healing in ways that you may find interesting... Just thought I might as well mention it! :)
Oh, this looks like it might be right up my alley. I'll give it a look. Thanks for the kind words and rec!
Gender feels so weird. I look at myself sometimes, and I just go “That’s not me”
There is no fate more terrifying than being trapped in a human body.
so much to think about. Welcome Back Alice is a phenomenal story. so glad you brought up Oshimi Shuzo's work.
This is an amazing video essay. I am cis and think, that queer readings of some stories can give them so much more depth. Like when I first watched the matrix trilogy I only really enjoyed the first movie. Rewatching them after reading about the story of its creators and how some trans ppl interpreted it gave me a more interesting perspective on it. I don't feel happy with my body most of the time, and I think the world would be better of, if we all could be more open minded and accepting. Be who you want to be but be kind to others
This is exactly the video I was looking for!! I recently had been toying with the idea of how stories where a character is reborn in another’s body doesn’t delve into the potential torrent of emotions coming from either looking different, or being another sex. I feel like it’s often comedic, but I think it would also be really cool to have some sort of queer reading on these stories, even if it isn’t the purpose of the story. Now I found this video, and it’s so perfect!! THANK YOU!!! 😁
I'm starting my social transition from ftm, and there are many times I question whether I want to be a man, or I just don't want to be a woman. Some days I feel 100% like a trans man, and some days I don't. Maybe it's because I'm not feeling dysphoric, or maybe it's because I feel deep down like a girl that day. I honestly don't know anything about boyhood or manhood because I didn't grow up in it, so it's very hard to know that it's what I truly want. To my trans family out there, I see your struggle. To my cis family too, gender is hard
hope you can get the help and support that you need to navigate all of it, you got this!
I can relate to this so hard despite being a cis 26 year old woman. I just... Don't feel like being a woman some days. I don't wanna be treated as one, I don't wanna be seen as one. I don't want to have the body problems a woman has. Not really wanting to be treated as "male" per se either, or be one, but just... I wanna be human? Not sure if it's society's inherent mysoginy or something deeper inside me, but even online I sometimes just pretend to be a guy just to be treated as one. It's not physical though, it has nothing to do with my body, even if I hate it sometimes (more out of societal pressure to look better and be better for people to look at, but sometimes period makes me hate my body too).
Im not particularly feminine in the way I present, I don't wear make up almost ever except maybe 3 times a year, and that's just how often I'll wear a skirt too. Just wearing hoodies and jeans all day, baggy clothes, all that.
Gender is an odd thing, and it's weird when society gets its hands on it (because, after all, it is inherently social).
After all, what does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to be a woman? What makes one or the other beyond the physical? Does it really matter all that much? It's just so odd and confusing
demiboy time let's gooooo
How am I only now finding out that Mary Shelley is bisexual?!? I love her even more now
I had no idea either and I've been admiring the phrase "tousey-mousey" ever since
@@RickiHirschwe have to bring it back. we have to start saying “she makes me feel so tousey mousy 🥺”
@@crowwithaknife1312 I'm doing my part!
i’ve always felt like a guy in a girl’s body and when i went through puberty that feeling became even worse. i always knew i was different from the other girls cognitively, but seeing my body become a “women’s” body was i think traumatizing in a way i never was able to express at that tender age. i will always remember my mother catching me about to mutilate myself with scissors all because i hated these “things” growing on my chest.
now that i’m somewhat older, i have pretty much given up on the fantasy of having my body look the way i feel from the inside. i have accepted that people will always see me as a woman because that’s how i look on the outside. i try to embrace my femininity the best i can, even if it feels strange and alien at times. i don’t really use pronouns outside of the internet because i have accepted that i look too feminine for anyone to even ask me them in the first place, and if they do know them they will probably just use the feminine ones anyways.
i’ve accepted the fact that i’m trapped in this body that doesn’t suit my mind. and i know for some people that might sound sad, or horrible, or even torturous, and yes i do feel like i’m being someone i’m not every time i go outside. i feel people ogling at me and all their compliments and praises. it feels like they are only complementing this body, and not the real me. it sucks and i feel so empty, but i feel as though i have no other choice.
i have fantasized many times about doing some kind of transition that wouldn’t make me male or female, but that doesn’t really seem to exist the way the world is right now. and i feel like even if i attempted to do this, the amount of backlash i would get from my parents and even potential strangers just isn’t worth it for my mental health. so i feel like the only realistic choice i have is to leave my body alone and learn do deal with it. maybe it will keep getting easier as i age, or maybe someday i won’t be able to take the strain anymore, i don’t know. i’ve decided to live with myself as i appear for as long as i possibly can, and hopefully become completely at peace with this body.
this is so sad to read :(
I felt this so hard. Word for word :/
Yeesh, this essay counts as a work of horror. 11:40 onward brought up questions that I am _not_ ready to wrestle with today, and made the discussion of The Skin I Live in seem like a cozy reprieve.
You did excellent work on this and you should be proud of what you've created, but now I need to go lie down.
Thank you so much for introducing me to Wild Zero (and, yknow the insightful commentary and all).
Always happy to spread the word of Guitar Wolf
This was a really interesting video for me. I’ve always been fascinated by horror, despite anxiety issues that mean I can’t actually experience most of the genre first hand. I’ve definitely noticed the queer themes in horror, but despite being cisn’t myself, the link between body horror and trans experience hadn’t actually occurred to me before, and it was pretty obvious why once I thought about it. Before I accepted I was queer, let alone thought to question my gender, I became chronically ill. I’d never been the healthiest kid around, but suddenly I had to navigate in a body that no longer worked the way it had before. It was terrifying, not only navigating the increased academic and social responsibilities that comes with starting high school, but doing it in a body that would betray me at the drop of a hat. I’m non-binary, but I don’t really experience gender dysphoria, so while the parallels between gender dysphoria and body horror feel obvious now, I really had never thought about it that way. I really love that, about stories, that two people can both feel understood by the same metaphor, despite having very different experiences.
@@CoolestSwordFighter -snerk- nice try, asshole. Maybe figure out what someone identifies as before you go around trying to insult them. Also 51% isn’t even a thing, the statistic you’re trying to quote is 41% and is on binary trans people, a group I’m not actually a part of. I know you lot are trying to get the number to rise, but you can’t just decide it’s higher because you want it to be. That’s not how statistics work. So you literally could not be more wrong. It might be impressive if it wasn’t so pathetic