ugh I so feel. Being both black and gay can be a problem. Black families can be so EXTRA. I was the only black child in my school too. When people say they aren't into black guys I feel so uncomfortable. I THINK IT IS RUDE TOO. I so get you, it is just hard. I love that I can be truthful to myself
The thing that I love about UA-cam is that now YOU can be that role model that black gay men can look up to. Thank you for your videos, they're always interesting, entertaining and educational.
TheMarker2015 L.S easier said than done. Many come from families that are quite strict and cultured and they fear getting rejected. I'm one of the lucky ones.
TheMarker2015 As fucked up western culture is in some aspects, one of the positives is that you are raised to be independent as fast as possible. Of course emotionally you don't want to be rejected from your family but on the other hand you can take the risk if you stand 100% on your own feet. Which seems impossible for certain cultures like India where your whole life circles around the family and you are heavily dependent in many ways.
My experience with being a brown gay man in Toronto is that a lot (not all) of gay white and asian males don't even want to be friends with a other minorities. It's so weird. I mostly hang out with straight people now and my circle of friends are always mixed race. It's not something I actively seek out, but as a chef I like to experience new cultures and food so it just naturally lined up that my circle of friends is diverse. I've tried having gay friends who are diverse, but it's like gay men only want to date and be friends with people they are attracted to. I'm moving to Ottawa Canada soon and I'm hoping the gay scene there is different than Toronto. Every time I go to the gay scene, I just leave and shake my head at how close minded so many people are. It's so weird how the LGBTQ community demands respect from everyone but within their own community prejudice is running rampant.
I hear you, bro! I am Turkish, Muslim (Idk if I am Muslim Muslim but It is a huge part of my upbringing), and gay. If only I were black, I would be the bottom line of the modern society. I am not saying I had a horrible life. I'd learned to love myself and wear my differences as an armor. Nevertheless, It was exhausting to deal with all the prejudice against my country, my religion, and my sexuality. What bothered me the most throughout the years is that people not know shit about Turkey, Islam, or sexual orientations but still insisting on the stupid ideas in their heads to be true. The most common one is someone saying: "Istanbul is the capital of Turkey, right?", me replying: "No, actually it is Ankara.", someone keep going: "Are you sure? I was quite confident that it was Istanbul!" Seriously?! What the freaking fuck?! It's my fucking country and I know its capital quite well, thank you! And funny enough, I fucking live in that city. Sorry. I lost myself for a bit there. But some people are just ignorant bastards and that pisses me off. It was a great video, Ben. Special thanks for the work. Love you
Yes! I loved this - especially your point about people not knowing which box to put us in lol! quite funny actually. The journey in becoming black, gay and freee is undeniably one of the hardest struggles, but it's really all worth it. It being 'worth it' is what closeted black gays don't see, they only see the struggle, which is quite shortsighted but understandable. We need more people like you who speak up on this particular topic! 😊
I’m a black gay dude. I’m usually super suspicious or skeptical if and when a white guy is actually interested in me because it usually ends up being some twisted sexual interest, nothing ever genuine. I can definitely relate to hearing “I’m just not into black guys” alllllllllll the time. I’ve also begun to notice that a lot of Hispanic/latino men don’t care for black men either and even cater to a more “white” audience or lifestyle if there is such a thing. No matter where I move, gay guys always seem to view white gay males as “cleaner, more attractive, more powerful in society” and this is not an opinion , I’ve been told this to my face by other races. Where do we go from here?... the saga continues...
Same here, here in my country (Lima, Perú), aren't too many black gays, so lit im just by myself...mostly of the guys that I meet are more interested in white guys and like you said, they've told me that in my face, like: "Uhmmm, you're cool, handsome but im more inte white guys" or the f**ckin bottoms, that they're searching for the stereotype of a black man...the one with a BBC, the super top or etc. Dude im just done with all that shit.
When you were talking about "yaaaaas", "gurlll" and "slaay" I thought I fell into a black hole for a second thinking back on all the other videos..... lol
I loved the video. I am a 71 year old black gay man that is just now coming to terms with my sexuality. I can relate to a lot of the points you made. Another poster made a good point, let nothing stop you from being your authentic self as I have. But I have also finding out it is never too late.
I once loved someone so much, that I let their parting words define me. I gave him so much authority over my entire existence. When he was breaking up with me, he told me that I was ugly, that I was a waste of his time and that he has absolutely no idea what he saw in me or why he was ever attracted to me in the first place. I believed him. I completely and wholeheartedly believed him. I became ugly, I became a waste of people's time, and I had nothing attractive about me. That happened four years ago and I'm still under that spell today. But what I LOVE about myself is that even through and during that storm, I still managed to pick myself up, dust off and carry myself. I'm still in that storm but I'm still moving forward; stronger. With tears in my eyes, I still have my brilliant smile to offer, my heartfelt humanity, my ethereal & potent love. I may be ugly and a waste of time but now more than ever, I'm still a black, magically-delicious man with so much to offer. That is what I love about myself, Ben.
That's so terrible man. I don't know if I could ever get over that if I were in your shoes. :( I just want to give you a hug for being so strong. If my partner did that to me, I'd most certainly die. He's the only reason I'm still alive because life isn't really worth living otherwise. I know that's not the way to live but it's too late for me. Stay strong dude, though, I know that's not much coming from a weakling like me. :P
iLoveTurtlesHaha No, I want to give YOU a hug because you are anything but a weakling. To love as intensely and potently as you love your partner takes serious guts - you are amazingly strong and I hope to love the way that you do one day. Stay beautiful ! :) and thank you!!
Hats off to you Ben, this was a much needed topic. As a black male, yes it's hard as hell, and being a black gay male, there's two strikes right there. It's tiring having to prove to others that your just as good and if or better than precived. I know we shouldn't have to do that but it's just how it is. I'm not out, but a few know, and when they found out it was jaw dropping for them. It was like dude, bruah, you don't act like it or even show it, I'm like 😑how are gays supposed to act? I'm that same G I've always been and will always be. And as far as whites not into blacks, well that topic is still in discussion to his day. They call it preference I call it BS. They can look and Shamar Moore, Chris Brown etc and say that's my man but the average guy it's like NO. Some only want to sex us cause of the BBC, and no not the network, but don't want to date is because of what friends and family think. It's the same for us, we have the same issue, what will my family and friends think about the white guy/girl. Anyways what I like about me? EVERYTHING, I'm confident, strong, Independent, A bundle of 6'4" 180lbs of kindness, and happiness, and some much more. Jack must know how lucky he is to have a great person like you. If he doesn't, he needs to find out pretty damn quick. Also it be pretty interesting if Jack did something like this, BUT we all know it's easier being white and gay. Much love Ben.
when Ben went " Where is my idol to look up to? " it got me teary eyed a little because he doesn't realize how big of an idol he is to many gay mean out there who are restricted to being in the closet instead of living life like any human being...Dear Ben, good bless you..
I love my refusal to change who I am and my open-mindedeness. I struggle to this day not being totally flamboyant like the media portrays, or being totally masc like some guys are into. I am both masc and femme, which allows me to see people as they are and be open to everyone. People are often surprised by how much I don't care about xyz and my honesty, saying it is refreshing for the community. This allows me to connect with people as people and not Stereotypes, and to have people love me like I love myself. Although I can't totally relate to what you go through, I know a lot of my black and gay friends will be preaching your name for this boo boo😙. Keep the amazing topics coming!! Love ya
Hey, Ben! It's kinda sad we can't see your beautiful BF Jack sitting alongside with you but it's okay. We love you guys and will, to this day, continue to support your struggles. You very much explained most of the points of being black and gay. When you ended the video by telling us what we love about ourselves, I feel like I may or may not have a lot to say about myself, if you don't mind... I am creative, flamboyant, energetic, outgoing, extroverted, cheerful, funny, kind, happy, shy and embodied with many positive traits and personalities you can think of. However, in some cases, I feel like I should not display those traits for other people because I think they carry within themselves, negative traits and qualities that can prove no good to us if we show off our positive qualities. But in this world, we are all human, and come from many different traditional backgrounds, cultures, ethnicities and religions. If they are jealous of who we are and what we do, we may have no choice but to let them be that way until they realize that we are always are on the top of the world. We all have to grow up with everybody, in this world, if most of them are LGBT. What I love about myself is about who I am, and that's the only thing that matters, nothing more. And also to respect ourselves, other people and to have respect for what we have. When I'm around people I dislike, I keep my mouth shut and keep personal opinions about them to myself and not look at them and confront them about it, if it happens, danger follows. I think that because there are some people who look intimidating, or worse, as if we don't know them and we don't have to know them because they don't know us, or who we are or where we come from. So, to wrap it up, these are my personal opinions and about myself. I think you'll like (or love) what I explained, from deep inside my heart and with pure love from my soul.
Some also think that when you are black and gay, you are not educated. Some people are shocked when they realise how educated some black gay men are. People just like to steotype. Love watching your positive videos.
Thanks for sharing Ben, you are a great role model for other young, black gays who may also feel lonely and isolated the same way you did. It's also important for us non-black gay guys to understand how much harder it is for black gays, simply due to the color of your skin. I know young Asian gays also go through additional struggles when coming out due to their race, and expectations that come along with it. Some day I hope we all start to realize that we are ALL HUMANS who come in many different shapes and sizes, and each of us is a unique individual person who should not be judged or have pre-conceived expectations based on the bodies we were born in. The more we celebrate our diversity, the closer we come to that ideal, so thank you for doing your part to help spread that awareness :-)
I find the gay Community in 2017 much more discriminating than 20 years ago I am 40+ white male who have dated Africans from Africa African Americans Asians from Asia and Asian Americans as well as multitude of other races, everyone had. Each one of the different races I dated opened my eyes to diversity. The only thing I would like to have done is to live in another country or other countries just so I could see would be like to be in the minority not the majority. If I was 'ta heterosexual male I'm not sure I would feel the same way that I know by being gay I am able to see more of the world that I would've ever as a Straight man. Unfortunately again community at large is much more narrow minded today and 20 years ago we like to stay in a box counterparts unfortunately this does not help. I wish more men and women homosexual or heterosexual all date Beyond their own race Some people want to see a pure race, all I want to see happy people who live,love and understand each other better, it's a dream as well as a hope. Unfortunately The world we live in is changing we are going backwards it's less understanding because of a few radicals on each side.
I am never offended when it comes to issues related to looks, race, weight and age. First, I am exactly what I am and I am comfortable with that. Second. Chemistry (physical, emotional. and intellectual) is required to sustain a relationship. And finally, we are all attracted to whoever we are attracted to- for so many reasons unknown to our heart and mind. Those reasons were created in distant times and imbedded into the code of our being. Because of that,I cannot blame someone for not finding me attractive to them. Just honor me enough to be authentic in your approaches to me.
I definitely love where you're going with this conversation. At one point in my life I felt like I wasn't lovable because it seemed like all the guys I was attracted to wasn't attracted to me because of the color of my skin. Or guys would tell me "You're cute for a black guy" and that just irks me. I continued to put myself out there, but I just always expected the worse. I was always surprised when a guy was actually attracted to me back because I had just became so accustomed to guys not being into black guys. I live in a small predominantly white town and it's not easy meeting guys in a town where there may be 2 open gay guys and I just happen to be one of them. I've learned to completely embrace the color of my skin and my sexuality. I finally came to the conclusion that I was NEVER the problem, it's the society we live in!
These preference things, seriously fuck with your head. And it's usually at a time when you are less mentally resistant to it (teens and early 20's). Everytime I message or approach anyone. I'm considering if they are into black guys (no matter what there race is). Then you get the alternative, who are super into black guys. But then I start feeling like you need to up my "Black"
In all honesty the only place I get to see a black gay male is on UA-cam and there really aren't any on this platform besides you and Kingsley. I wish there were more black gay males at least on this platform. That way we can maybe get in the media somewhere. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit on any side gay or black
Uggh, I resonate with the "always worried if they're into black guys" thing on another level. I'm mixed with Indian and not even 7 months back I found myself wishing that I had just a smidge more Indian in me so I'd be of a lighter skin tone. I'm completely in love with how I look now, thank God; but my new worry is if people actually like me, or if I'm just some fetish. I actually had a guy reject me after I told him I was mostly Indian. 😹 He was so excited to be on a date with his "first black guy" but as soon as I corrected him, he asked for the check and left. It's that or the opposite. "I'm not normally into black guys but you're different." Which, I guess in some warped way that's a compliment, but...otherwise that's super insulting. I may not be 100% African American but you still just said that you normally find a quarter of what makes me, me unappealing. I could go on and on but yeah... it's a struggle. 😹
My ex boyfriend is black and he faces these issues even tho he's not openly gay but do face homophobia sometimes because he's seen off as "weak" and never had a girlfriend. I recommended him this video and it helped him be comfortable in his identity. thank you for this
Thank you Ben for your honesty. Because of what you shared I have an insight that I did not have in the past about being gay and being a black man. I am an older white gay man and over the years have had friends that are so taken by the idea of having sex with a black man. I guess I thought being a black gay man was a real advantage and did not really think any further than that. Because of what you've said I realize you are just a beautiful man that can be hurt. I now better understand a black man wants to be treated simply as a man, being black should not be the reason you want to or not want to be with him.
i think it's nicer to watch videos which you guys have personal experience with like this, in contrast to the asexual video. however, you trying to cater to all the viewer and their questions is nice & you do put your time in it etc. so that's all chill too. but yeah just a personal preference i guess lmao. nice video ben !
This video changed my life ! hahaha. I seriously remember realising I was black and being completely shocked, then having my friends be completely shocked that I didn't "know" when I'd speak about it. Living in a country like South Africa, the divide culturally between what it means to be white, and what it means to be black is soooooo vast. So as a mixed race family growing up pretty much "white" although no one meant for it, I identify with the "white" culture. Being "proud" of being black isn't a thing that is made light of enough in positive mainstream media. Being a black, gay male totally breaks people's minds and I feel like EVERYONE needs to watch this video to gain some perspective. Great job guys - although I totally missed Jack. I'm still making my way through your channel - do you have a "Interracial gay couple - and what it means for you/everyone else" type video ? If not I'd be totally keen to see that - your opinions GIVE ME LIFE ! xx from Sunny South Africa !
Couldn't agree with you more! It's not easy being black and gay from a religious Caribbean background at all!!!! All you hear is the abom word etc I've been told that "Oh I am not into blk guys but you're so cute" as well. There is also the concept of ethnic appendage size, so cuz you are black you are well endowed and is a power top. To each his own but just be polite and not RUDE! So glad you shared on this topic that's so relatable.
qw737 man I so feel what you're saying! Both my parents are old school Jamaican and mother is deep rooted in her Christianity. Anything gay mentioned/seen her first reply is either the "God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" line or some crap about Sodom and Gomorrah 🙄. Also I've been/still am heavily fetishised by 'brother lovers' who can't help but constantly remind you about your skin colour and how they've never done X with a black man etc etc. Annoying af
Its weird but as a black bisexual man i felt the need to prepare myself to lose all connection with the black community (becasue the idea of a black man being gay to them equates to being feminine and weak) but also prepare for the rejection that happens in the gay community because im black. I once had a discussion with other black students in college and we agreed (especially the lgbt black men) that there is this weird mentality that the gay community has this idea of"Black guys are good enough to fuck but not bring around your friends and family". I asked a guy why he found me attractive but "wasnt into black guys" and he proceeded to tell me and it turns out the stereotypes that he had encountered kinda subconsciously made him feel like ALL black guys are like that. And all i though was "Well thats a bummer" xD
you are amazing Ben. I hope this video is seen by others who think they cannot be who they want to be in society and still be happy. You're a role model for many of these young guys and girls and thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
what i love most about myself is what the others throw at me "you are weird" or "you are crazy" etc... i don't act like them i don't think like them so i am the one with a problem. i am just me. the ones that accept me are my freinds, the rest can fly away out of my sight.
Great video Ben. Everybody just want to throw all black people into one box, especially here in America. I don't have the stereotypical black, urban accent (you've probably seen it in media a ton), so when people hear me talk you can tell them are sometimes surprised. It sucked being called an oreo as a kid (black on outside, white on inside), especially when OTHER black people were the ones saying it. And yeah, I have little hope of finding a partner anytime soon because, first, everyone is only into hooking up at 22 years old, and secondly, being black limits your options. And I don't hold anything against people who don't find most black people attractive, but you definitely just get thrown in a box by people just because you're black. Your story about the guy who found you attractive but wouldn't go for you cause he "doesn't do black guys" is the perfect example.
Ups! I forgot to give an example. I actually love that I am a person who will never give up on anything. If I have a goal I would work my ass off to get to that goal. And I also liked that my mother raised me and my siblings to be kind all the time, no matter what. She used to say: " I will not hear about any of my children being rude. Do you understand?" So being nice and kind had become a reflex for me. When I was a lot younger I didn't understand the importance of being kind and loving to each other. But now, I thank my mother a million times.
in all honesty, I support having preferences to dating. I'm white and only into black guys. even since I was a child I've just felt more comfortable with black people in general. I don't dislike anyone at all because of their race (attitude is entirely different) but I go for the big picture (my prince charming) and really to sum it up, I've always pictured myself with a black guy that's weird, nerdy, different etc. it's not always about sex but not everyone is into everyone and it's not wrong to be that way. that's me tho, I'm not offended if anyone says they are not into certain people. it's just not their type
You're just like me. I'm mixed Indian and I've always felt comfortable with black guys myself. There are some who are also on the verge of graduation but we still have contact with one another, even if they're in another school or city etc. Since I started high school, let me tell you, I have made some awesome friends who are all black, but I was the only mixed Indian guy in their company. I didn't care about that, anyway, all I care about is for my friends and how much they mean to me. We've always been chilling, laughing and doing our thing and stuff. We were like a family. Sometimes I always picture myself with a black man just like Ben himself, who is smart, handsome, sexy, fierce, muscular, good-looking and just being himself and a little weird sometimes. I wish to find a hot, gay black man one day. Although I may be wrong with what I said, I understand that it's not all about looks and body image, but I am proud of who I am, not for my body image. I'm proud to be myself. As you said at the end, it's not always all about sex and romance. I hope you find your future soulmate sooner or later. Peace.
Bring it home Ben! I am raising my hand as you talk. I have had to work twice as hard and I have been and remain an individual on all fronts. I do not want what other people want or want to be like them. You really were hotting home. You really hit home with this video today. Great video.
I think it's racist when someone says they don't like an entire race. It means you think they are all the same. Each black man I've been with has taught me something new of the levels of racism they face. No idea if I've been clear. Love the video. I think I'm awesome fyi
I love that I'm mixed race, Bi, confident, happy, embracing people from all cultures, religions, sexualities etc- one race-the human race -bring the love❤❤ P.S love u guys💙💙
It's interesting what you've mentioned about being the one black gay who actually told your family about your sexuality. I passed through a similar situation where I told my family about me while my gay friends would never do it. I think that's what I love about myself. Courage. I had the guts to do that, and also to leave my home to live with a guy and specially my family supports me way more than before. Also, I realised I could be happy being who I am and that I could have support from more people than I could have imagined before... Love and, most importantly, respect who you are, no matter how.
I'm a straight African American woman, but I can truly relate to what you said. The struggle is REAL!!! Lol. What I love about myself are my lips. People would tell me that I have full lips and I would say NO I DON'T! but now I love them and now I'm like I DO HAVE FULL LIPS!! 😚😚😚
I relate to this so much. Someone criticized my lips as a child too, and I used to tuck my lips in sometimes as I grew up. Now, I love them wouldn't change a thing. (oh, and now Kardashians have made big lips cool and white ppl getting surgery for them... wtf????)
Have to say, “Oh my gosh,” I love all that you have to say. You asked for your viewers to say one thing they like about themselves. I'm a writer and what I love about myself is when my best friends, both brilliant guys, say, "I can't understand where you get your imagination," and I say, "From you and everyone else. Inspire me." You, and this wonderful video blog, that's right you, inspired me. Thanks so much.
I'm sure it's been said but you ARE that role model. I understand why some people say they're not into 'whatever type' personally I prefer tall skinny, but it never stopped me from being with someone who wasn't.
I'm a brown (?) guy. From a black mom and a white dad. I'm regular looking I guess and I'm such a small guy, like really small. I was so scared of telling my mom cause I could see some people of my family (still in Africa) posting homophobic stuffs and how being Gay is a white or western thing. My mom eventually figured it out and she was just like " it doesn't matter son, I love you. PS : your boy is so hot. Bring him to dinner " something like that. Anyway, I've dated a bunch of guys, from white to asians. And "being black" was never a problem.
The only time I saw a gay black man on TV was from How I Met Your Mother, Barney's brother. I was quite surprised actually, eventhough I'm black. It was just something that people don't see much , especially on TV. It was something that I knew already but it was a reminder that sexuality doesn't have a race. Love the video! 😘 Say hi to Jack for me! 😘
caciquepadilla that's what I hate most about what people describe as 'their preference'! Wouldn't care much if it was just a single individual they weren't into but a whole entire race 😱 even when you're just trying to be friends they reject you 😂
great video it made me feel better about being black and gay and as a 15 year old in highschool it's honestly tough I have come out to only a few people but don't know what my other friends will think of me tbh I'm scared of the outcome I just want to be able to be myself around the people I care about
Love the references to Moonlight, I need to watch that movie as soon as possible. As Latin and Gay, we encounter similar stereotypes. History were tougher with blacks, but they rise and conquer. There is much more to do, all need more education and opportunities.
Great video. I have a question though, you talked about men saying they don't date Black men, but have you ever been personally approached by someone who fetishizes Black men? Seems just as equally disturbing. Btw I hope you recognize that you are a role model! :) and one thing I like about myself is that I'm empathetic.
The one best thing I love about myself, is throughout my entire life I have never identified anyone as black or white. I've always been able to see past that and only see the person as they present themselves through characteristics
LOVE this video, just like how I love the other videos!!! So does this mean we'll be seeing a video of just Jack answering a question that he gets a lot?😂You two are my FAVORITE couple, right under Ellen & Portia! 😘 It's ALWAYS annoyed me how we have to "come out" bc I feel like the day we've made it will be when we won't have to come out. Straight teens don't tell their parents, "Mom, dad...you need to sit down for this. I think it's important for you to know...I'm straight."😨 Yeah, no. NEVER happens. So why do WE have to do that?! It's messed up & complete bullshit! I look forward to the day when teenagers are just like, "Hey mom. So I really like this girl, what should I do?" Then the mom tells her daughter some normal ass advice like she would if her daughter were into a guy. You know what I mean? Does anyone else feel the same? THIS goes for our LGBTQ community, as well!!! I'm so sick of them being so critical of bi's! Most gays/les' say they're bi when first coming out, but then when they actually meet someone bi, they're like, "Umm, yeah, no thanks. I only want someone who's strictly dickly"! Or how lesbians say, "I don't want a P that also likes the D!"😒 It just ALWAYS feels that no one understands bisexuality & to me, I DON'T think it's complicated. Attraction isn't something we can control. Much like how we can't control our sexuality. I just find it insane how we feel the straight community is more accepting of being bi. Yet, the gay/les community are more accepting of being gay or les. Anyone else get what I'm saying? Anyone else that's bi understand me? 🤔 *ANYWAY* LOVE you guys! LOVE our community!!! LGBTQ FOREVER!!! ✊🙌😻❤💛💚💙💜
Erica Polo yes!!! I actually feel a bit weird being asked if I have or haven't come out to my parents bc it doesn't feel like coming out. I just happened to have a girlfriend...and then another one...so my parents we're like "oh well okay then" (but I wouldn't say they accept me being in gay relationships, I guess they just know they can't do much about it now & hope that it's a phase and I will find a husband eventually) And I'm also bi and I get what you're saying!!!!
Best vlog ever posted. I think what I like about myself is that my expectations of others is not high, I think mainly because being a minority ethnic group, we are used to disappointment hence why we don't pin too much hope on others. Once again thanks for a great vlog; I could actually understand everything you were referring too. Pleased to know that as a fellow gay BME out thoughts are similar. Cheers
Bravo Ben for this video. We need this kind of representation for Black boys and men trying to come to terms with their sexuality. Being Black and gay can be a double whammy. We are often ostracized by both our own community regarding homophobia, and we all know many white gays can be racist as hell so that is why there is the need for Black gay pride separate from gay prides that are predominantly white and planned through a lens of Whiteness. Even some White gays tried to claim Moonlight as a win for them, but didn't acknowledge its Blackness. No. Sit your behind down. This was a great video Ben 👍👍
Thank you for this. Genuinely means a lot. I've been so scared to make this video because I didn't want to be negative, so I hope it wasn't too depressing. -B x
I get it. I get the fear but you are unique in that you have media power to be able to talk about things unique to Black gay men and reach a wide audience. It isn't depressing. It is the reality of many Black boys and men. So I'm proud of you for overcoming that fear and doing this video. I think there will be a Moonlight kind of effect that allow more Black gay men to overcome the same kind of fear and tell their stories.
I agree with this video 100%!!! I think as gay black men HAVE TO be strong to be able to take everything that comes at us whether it pertains to being black OR gay (or both) in social settings AND the work place. We have to prove we ARE capable and we ARE worthy! That is what I LOVE about myself. I don't fit into any molds, I am just ME and other people see me how THEY want to see me and that is NOT who I am. I was raised by my mom and her 5 sisters and they all sat me down and told me, "listen bitch (no lie) you don't worry about what ANYONE says or do to you. If they ain't paying your bills, what they think of you DOES NOT MATTER!" Truer words have never been spoken! :)
7 років тому+1
Very important for anyone who have some internal issues about being black and gay!! Congratulations!!! Kisses from Rio de Janeiro!
I loved this video, totally relevant to my issues with dating and being gay in NYC. First off let me go ahead and say that what I like about myself is that I am a survivor. There is so so so many things that I have been through over the years, physical abuse / molestation when I was a boy, being gay bashed as a young teenager and still having to hide that from my conservative southern family, 'disowned' by my dad's side of the family because I got outed at college by getting caught in bed with my college roommate who happened to be black, living with other family members who were possible alcoholics and my own struggles in addiction and recovery, and moving to NYC from the deep South to live with my New Boyfriend who after 10 years stopped being monogomous with me and brought home HIV to us both, and then after another 5 years became so angry and combative (and yes physically abusive at times) that even though I have my scars, physical mental emotional and spirtitual, after all of that I am still here. I am still trying to live my life to the best of my ability even if that means I am completely on my own at the moment but trying to get back into dating. Yes I am a white guy so the situation isn't exactly the same, but similar in alot of ways (i think) . I often get the "I'm not into White Guys" blanket statement before I even finish saying the word Hello from certain guys. Being a White Gay Male, Husky / Bear type over the age of 40 (barely), not all that Macho but not Fem either, originally a Southerner but now a New Yorker (with a slight southern drawl) and new to the dating scene again after the end of my 18 year relationship with a Black Gay man (who was actually 1/2 Jamaican and 1/2 German and 1st generation American) and HIV+, I have seen these racial and other prejudices of almost every flavor alive and well in today's Gay NYC Culture as well as in my own family back home, AND Definitely in the very specific expression on my Jamiacan ex-Mother-In-Law's face every time her son brought home a white boy (yes me) to the family dinners... No she never said a single word about any of it, but that LOOK that she gave me frequently told 1000 stories about what she was thinking.. . I myself could be accused of perpetuating some of the issues because of the fact that I am generally more comfortable opening up to and dating guys who are different than myself (black / mixed)...and on that note I am SOOO Tired of being asked about my ex's dick size or getting a certain look from black or mixed guys that I approach because they are assuming that I am like all the other white guys who have hit on them that night, i.e. A Size Queen in need of a good hard Fuck. THAT is NOT me, admitedly there are times that a good fuck is definitely on my agenda but the rest of it is not what I get into. I need to have a conversation and make sure I like the guy as a person at least a little bit before getting into anything sexual, I don't care at all about the size or anything thing else along those lines. I've seen and heard other white guys admit they don't really like to "date" outside their race but do enjoy One Nighters with black guys because of some sort of fetishized ideals that black men are very energetic, high endurance, high intensity sexual partners (in other words they assume all black guys have a huge dick and are amazingly athletic / powerful / aggressive Fucks). Which are not things that are at the top of my personal lists of traits I look for in a man... That being said I think what it is that really bothers me isn't that people have certain preferences, Like I have my own, It's about the ignorance, judgement, disrespect, BLATANT RUDENESS with which the preferences are stated. or more honestly, the personal preference versus racial bias issue does bother me if I think is based on stereotypes myths and assumptions rather than on facts and it seems like zero personal information was gathered by talking to the man first... One of the things that really pisses me off is the guys that have this list of NO's and are Blatantly Rude to anyone that doesn't fit into their ideals but has the audacity to try and engage in conversation.... I have seen the phrase "No FATS, No Fems, No Whites (or NO Black, No Asian, etc...), and No Daddy's (or No Twinks)"..... since I am a Husky Bear type, White, and while not Fem also Not MACHO, poz+, and at the moment completely broke since my separation. the gay dating scene here leaves me feeling like I have been counted out for so many different superficial reasons that I might not find anyone who would even look in my direction ever again. It feels like maybe I'm not even in the same species and I"m left out and completely ignored while watching the more social accepted (Beautiful species of Men) get the attention of everyone in the club / app. And the next time a guy that I am trying to start a conversation with, reaches over to pat my stomach and says something like "lets continue this conversation after you get rid of your Spare Tire" or "I would never be seen in public with someone like YOU but if you want me to Fuck you then I can do that for $200 (or more) cash upfront as long as your face down, no lights" I might not be able to control my reaction and break out my librarian's glasses so I can do a little reading LOL :). Those are actual quotes from assholes that i tried to chat with earlier this week. One was at a bar and one from an App (Adam4Adam sucks sometimes)..... it's all a little depressing and I'm not really feeling much like getting out there and feeling the judgment and rejection sometimes.... :( But still hoping to find someone that makes me feel good and actually like me back , the inner / real me.
You always say things that are so profound. Both of you and just the same… This video is so inspiring and educational at the same time. Love you loads!- Eno
Very educational🙂 I think it's so important for people to understand what's is like for black gay men growing up/coming out and just Day to day life. Because you are right it's like ticking two boxes of being on the receiving end of discrimination rather then just one
Ben I loved this!!! I am black and yes I am gay. And to boot, in a conservative country...it is the worst!!! But what I have learnt...love myself 1st and never ever let anyone who do not love me or know who I am, or know my lifes journey, impact me so greatly that I cannot function as a human being. It is difficult, but my sanity, my survival, my happiness is is whats important...so I gotta love myselft first!!
Everyone has his own story either is black or white. Is always awkward seeing in people's profiles no Black, no Chinese, only fit, no fems, no fats.. Just focus on people that like you and accept who you are.
This got me a bit emotional! Just stay strong and keep your love strong. I like the positivity of you and your partner! Your vids make me laugh a lot! I hope to meet you if you ever come in Italy!
Hi Ben, very interesting to watch and I can relate. I'm black too and In last year of college and not out. I've been partially outed to a couple people and it's all a mess ATM so would find it very helpful to hear what happened and how it happened when you were outed. Also a massive hi to Jack and hope to see him in the next video, he seems like a great guy and you two are very cute together
I adore your confidence and admiration towards a better voice for black gay men. If only the people where I lived were as tolerant, and it isn't easier being a bi-sexual Hispanic teenager in a really homophobic and degrading city. Love, Peace
ugh I so feel.
Being both black and gay can be a problem. Black families can be so EXTRA. I was the only black child in my school too. When people say they aren't into black guys I feel so uncomfortable. I THINK IT IS RUDE TOO. I so get you, it is just hard.
I love that I can be truthful to myself
TRUST ME. -B x
The thing that I love about UA-cam is that now YOU can be that role model that black gay men can look up to.
Thank you for your videos, they're always interesting, entertaining and educational.
More black, Asian, Arab, ect should come out and not be ashamed. You are a positive role model for black gay men! Keep smiling, keep shining!
TheMarker2015 L.S easier said than done. Many come from families that are quite strict and cultured and they fear getting rejected. I'm one of the lucky ones.
TheMarker2015 As fucked up western culture is in some aspects, one of the positives is that you are raised to be independent as fast as possible. Of course emotionally you don't want to be rejected from your family but on the other hand you can take the risk if you stand 100% on your own feet. Which seems impossible for certain cultures like India where your whole life circles around the family and you are heavily dependent in many ways.
My experience with being a brown gay man in Toronto is that a lot (not all) of gay white and asian males don't even want to be friends with a other minorities. It's so weird. I mostly hang out with straight people now and my circle of friends are always mixed race. It's not something I actively seek out, but as a chef I like to experience new cultures and food so it just naturally lined up that my circle of friends is diverse. I've tried having gay friends who are diverse, but it's like gay men only want to date and be friends with people they are attracted to. I'm moving to Ottawa Canada soon and I'm hoping the gay scene there is different than Toronto. Every time I go to the gay scene, I just leave and shake my head at how close minded so many people are. It's so weird how the LGBTQ community demands respect from everyone but within their own community prejudice is running rampant.
When I embraced my blackness and gayness I discovered myself all over again, I`m standing strong in my truth, zero fucks given.
Saw you editing this on your Instagram story. I've been waiting all night for it haha
Haha thanks buddy! For those without our Insta hookup, HERE YOU GO: instagram.com/OurSwirlLife
One word: YAAAAAAAAASSSS!
"He's cute, but I'm not into black guys."
That's so contradictory. He finds you, a black guy, attractive, yet he's not attracted to black guys?
I hear you, bro! I am Turkish, Muslim (Idk if I am Muslim Muslim but It is a huge part of my upbringing), and gay. If only I were black, I would be the bottom line of the modern society. I am not saying I had a horrible life. I'd learned to love myself and wear my differences as an armor. Nevertheless, It was exhausting to deal with all the prejudice against my country, my religion, and my sexuality. What bothered me the most throughout the years is that people not know shit about Turkey, Islam, or sexual orientations but still insisting on the stupid ideas in their heads to be true. The most common one is someone saying: "Istanbul is the capital of Turkey, right?", me replying: "No, actually it is Ankara.", someone keep going: "Are you sure? I was quite confident that it was Istanbul!" Seriously?! What the freaking fuck?! It's my fucking country and I know its capital quite well, thank you! And funny enough, I fucking live in that city. Sorry. I lost myself for a bit there. But some people are just ignorant bastards and that pisses me off. It was a great video, Ben. Special thanks for the work. Love you
Yes! I loved this - especially your point about people not knowing which box to put us in lol! quite funny actually.
The journey in becoming black, gay and freee is undeniably one of the hardest struggles, but it's really all worth it. It being 'worth it' is what closeted black gays don't see, they only see the struggle, which is quite shortsighted but understandable.
We need more people like you who speak up on this particular topic! 😊
As a kid I thought dark skin was not attractive. Now at 24 I can proudly say I love who I am. Black and Gay! ✊🏾&🏳️🌈
Moses Hopson same
I’m a black gay dude. I’m usually super suspicious or skeptical if and when a white guy is actually interested in me because it usually ends up being some twisted sexual interest, nothing ever genuine. I can definitely relate to hearing “I’m just not into black guys” alllllllllll the time. I’ve also begun to notice that a lot of Hispanic/latino men don’t care for black men either and even cater to a more “white” audience or lifestyle if there is such a thing. No matter where I move, gay guys always seem to view white gay males as “cleaner, more attractive, more powerful in society” and this is not an opinion , I’ve been told this to my face by other races. Where do we go from here?... the saga continues...
I used to date interracially for years and in the end, I've learned that it's better to either stick with other blk men or stay celibate.
Same here, here in my country (Lima, Perú), aren't too many black gays, so lit im just by myself...mostly of the guys that I meet are more interested in white guys and like you said, they've told me that in my face, like: "Uhmmm, you're cool, handsome but im more inte white guys" or the f**ckin bottoms, that they're searching for the stereotype of a black man...the one with a BBC, the super top or etc. Dude im just done with all that shit.
Hi Anderson ...how’s Peru treating you
When you were talking about "yaaaaas", "gurlll" and "slaay" I thought I fell into a black hole for a second thinking back on all the other videos..... lol
I loved the video. I am a 71 year old black gay man that is just now coming to terms with my sexuality. I can relate to a lot of the points you made. Another poster made a good point, let nothing stop you from being your authentic self as I have. But I have also finding out it is never too late.
I hate when people call me sassy, it's so cringey
I once loved someone so much, that I let their parting words define me. I gave him so much authority over my entire existence. When he was breaking up with me, he told me that I was ugly, that I was a waste of his time and that he has absolutely no idea what he saw in me or why he was ever attracted to me in the first place. I believed him. I completely and wholeheartedly believed him. I became ugly, I became a waste of people's time, and I had nothing attractive about me. That happened four years ago and I'm still under that spell today. But what I LOVE about myself is that even through and during that storm, I still managed to pick myself up, dust off and carry myself. I'm still in that storm but I'm still moving forward; stronger. With tears in my eyes, I still have my brilliant smile to offer, my heartfelt humanity, my ethereal & potent love. I may be ugly and a waste of time but now more than ever, I'm still a black, magically-delicious man with so much to offer. That is what I love about myself, Ben.
That's so terrible man. I don't know if I could ever get over that if I were in your shoes. :( I just want to give you a hug for being so strong. If my partner did that to me, I'd most certainly die. He's the only reason I'm still alive because life isn't really worth living otherwise. I know that's not the way to live but it's too late for me. Stay strong dude, though, I know that's not much coming from a weakling like me. :P
iLoveTurtlesHaha No, I want to give YOU a hug because you are anything but a weakling. To love as intensely and potently as you love your partner takes serious guts - you are amazingly strong and I hope to love the way that you do one day. Stay beautiful ! :) and thank you!!
You may not have had a non white gay role model when you were younger, but now you are one.
I'm just so proud of being both. I embrace my chocolate skin and being gay. it's what makes me ME and I wouldn't change if I could
As a GBM I have to say this to me is your best video ever! Thank you for a thoughtful, complete & accurate synopsis of being black & gay.
Hats off to you Ben, this was a much needed topic. As a black male, yes it's hard as hell, and being a black gay male, there's two strikes right there. It's tiring having to prove to others that your just as good and if or better than precived. I know we shouldn't have to do that but it's just how it is. I'm not out, but a few know, and when they found out it was jaw dropping for them. It was like dude, bruah, you don't act like it or even show it, I'm like 😑how are gays supposed to act? I'm that same G I've always been and will always be. And as far as whites not into blacks, well that topic is still in discussion to his day. They call it preference I call it BS. They can look and Shamar Moore, Chris Brown etc and say that's my man but the average guy it's like NO. Some only want to sex us cause of the BBC, and no not the network, but don't want to date is because of what friends and family think. It's the same for us, we have the same issue, what will my family and friends think about the white guy/girl. Anyways what I like about me? EVERYTHING, I'm confident, strong, Independent, A bundle of 6'4" 180lbs of kindness, and happiness, and some much more. Jack must know how lucky he is to have a great person like you. If he doesn't, he needs to find out pretty damn quick. Also it be pretty interesting if Jack did something like this, BUT we all know it's easier being white and gay. Much love Ben.
You just slayed it. -B x
when Ben went " Where is my idol to look up to? " it got me teary eyed a little because he doesn't realize how big of an idol he is to many gay mean out there who are restricted to being in the closet instead of living life like any human being...Dear Ben, good bless you..
That's the cutest thing ever. Thank you for this! -B x
I love my refusal to change who I am and my open-mindedeness. I struggle to this day not being totally flamboyant like the media portrays, or being totally masc like some guys are into. I am both masc and femme, which allows me to see people as they are and be open to everyone. People are often surprised by how much I don't care about xyz and my honesty, saying it is refreshing for the community. This allows me to connect with people as people and not Stereotypes, and to have people love me like I love myself.
Although I can't totally relate to what you go through, I know a lot of my black and gay friends will be preaching your name for this boo boo😙.
Keep the amazing topics coming!! Love ya
Hey, Ben! It's kinda sad we can't see your beautiful BF Jack sitting alongside with you but it's okay. We love you guys and will, to this day, continue to support your struggles. You very much explained most of the points of being black and gay. When you ended the video by telling us what we love about ourselves, I feel like I may or may not have a lot to say about myself, if you don't mind...
I am creative, flamboyant, energetic, outgoing, extroverted, cheerful, funny, kind, happy, shy and embodied with many positive traits and personalities you can think of. However, in some cases, I feel like I should not display those traits for other people because I think they carry within themselves, negative traits and qualities that can prove no good to us if we show off our positive qualities. But in this world, we are all human, and come from many different traditional backgrounds, cultures, ethnicities and religions. If they are jealous of who we are and what we do, we may have no choice but to let them be that way until they realize that we are always are on the top of the world. We all have to grow up with everybody, in this world, if most of them are LGBT. What I love about myself is about who I am, and that's the only thing that matters, nothing more. And also to respect ourselves, other people and to have respect for what we have. When I'm around people I dislike, I keep my mouth shut and keep personal opinions about them to myself and not look at them and confront them about it, if it happens, danger follows. I think that because there are some people who look intimidating, or worse, as if we don't know them and we don't have to know them because they don't know us, or who we are or where we come from. So, to wrap it up, these are my personal opinions and about myself.
I think you'll like (or love) what I explained, from deep inside my heart and with pure love from my soul.
Some also think that when you are black and gay, you are not educated. Some people are shocked when they realise how educated some black gay men are. People just like to steotype. Love watching your positive videos.
Thanks for sharing Ben, you are a great role model for other young, black gays who may also feel lonely and isolated the same way you did. It's also important for us non-black gay guys to understand how much harder it is for black gays, simply due to the color of your skin. I know young Asian gays also go through additional struggles when coming out due to their race, and expectations that come along with it. Some day I hope we all start to realize that we are ALL HUMANS who come in many different shapes and sizes, and each of us is a unique individual person who should not be judged or have pre-conceived expectations based on the bodies we were born in. The more we celebrate our diversity, the closer we come to that ideal, so thank you for doing your part to help spread that awareness :-)
*You had no idol so you decided to become one.*
That is so inspirational.
I find the gay Community in 2017 much more discriminating than 20 years ago I am 40+ white male who have dated Africans from Africa African Americans Asians from Asia and Asian Americans as well as multitude of other races, everyone had. Each one of the different races I dated opened my eyes to diversity. The only thing I would like to have done is to live in another country or other countries just so I could see would be like to be in the minority not the majority. If I was 'ta heterosexual male I'm not sure I would feel the same way that I know by being gay I am able to see more of the world that I would've ever as a Straight man. Unfortunately again community at large is much more narrow minded today and 20 years ago we like to stay in a box counterparts unfortunately this does not help. I wish more men and women homosexual or heterosexual all date Beyond their own race Some people want to see a pure race, all I want to see happy people who live,love and understand each other better, it's a dream as well as a hope. Unfortunately The world we live in is changing we are going backwards it's less understanding because of a few radicals on each side.
I am never offended when it comes to issues related to looks, race, weight and age. First, I am exactly what I am and I am comfortable with that. Second. Chemistry (physical, emotional. and intellectual) is required to sustain a relationship. And finally, we are all attracted to whoever we are attracted to- for so many reasons unknown to our heart and mind. Those reasons were created in distant times and imbedded into the code of our being. Because of that,I cannot blame someone for not finding me attractive to them. Just honor me enough to be authentic in your approaches to me.
I definitely love where you're going with this conversation. At one point in my life I felt like I wasn't lovable because it seemed like all the guys I was attracted to wasn't attracted to me because of the color of my skin. Or guys would tell me "You're cute for a black guy" and that just irks me. I continued to put myself out there, but I just always expected the worse. I was always surprised when a guy was actually attracted to me back because I had just became so accustomed to guys not being into black guys. I live in a small predominantly white town and it's not easy meeting guys in a town where there may be 2 open gay guys and I just happen to be one of them. I've learned to completely embrace the color of my skin and my sexuality. I finally came to the conclusion that I was NEVER the problem, it's the society we live in!
These preference things, seriously fuck with your head. And it's usually at a time when you are less mentally resistant to it (teens and early 20's).
Everytime I message or approach anyone. I'm considering if they are into black guys (no matter what there race is). Then you get the alternative, who are super into black guys. But then I start feeling like you need to up my "Black"
In all honesty the only place I get to see a black gay male is on UA-cam and there really aren't any on this platform besides you and Kingsley. I wish there were more black gay males at least on this platform. That way we can maybe get in the media somewhere. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit on any side gay or black
Uggh, I resonate with the "always worried if they're into black guys" thing on another level. I'm mixed with Indian and not even 7 months back I found myself wishing that I had just a smidge more Indian in me so I'd be of a lighter skin tone.
I'm completely in love with how I look now, thank God; but my new worry is if people actually like me, or if I'm just some fetish. I actually had a guy reject me after I told him I was mostly Indian. 😹 He was so excited to be on a date with his "first black guy" but as soon as I corrected him, he asked for the check and left.
It's that or the opposite. "I'm not normally into black guys but you're different." Which, I guess in some warped way that's a compliment, but...otherwise that's super insulting. I may not be 100% African American but you still just said that you normally find a quarter of what makes me, me unappealing. I could go on and on but yeah... it's a struggle. 😹
I'm sat here applauding everything you're saying. I think we've all wished to be a bit lighter, at some point in our lives. Sad but true! -B x
My ex boyfriend is black and he faces these issues even tho he's not openly gay but do face homophobia sometimes because he's seen off as "weak" and never had a girlfriend. I recommended him this video and it helped him be comfortable in his identity. thank you for this
Thank you Ben for your honesty. Because of what you shared I have an insight that I did not have in the past about being gay and being a black man. I am an older white gay man and over the years have had friends that are so taken by the idea of having sex with a black man. I guess I thought being a black gay man was a real advantage and did not really think any further than that. Because of what you've said I realize you are just a beautiful man that can be hurt. I now better understand a black man wants to be treated simply as a man, being black should not be the reason you want to or not want to be with him.
Why did you see it as an advantage?
i think it's nicer to watch videos which you guys have personal experience with like this, in contrast to the asexual video. however, you trying to cater to all the viewer and their questions is nice & you do put your time in it etc. so that's all chill too. but yeah just a personal preference i guess lmao. nice video ben !
Noted! Thanks for sharing. -B x
This video changed my life ! hahaha.
I seriously remember realising I was black and being completely shocked, then having my friends be completely shocked that I didn't "know" when I'd speak about it. Living in a country like South Africa, the divide culturally between what it means to be white, and what it means to be black is soooooo vast. So as a mixed race family growing up pretty much "white" although no one meant for it, I identify with the "white" culture. Being "proud" of being black isn't a thing that is made light of enough in positive mainstream media. Being a black, gay male totally breaks people's minds and I feel like EVERYONE needs to watch this video to gain some perspective.
Great job guys - although I totally missed Jack. I'm still making my way through your channel - do you have a "Interracial gay couple - and what it means for you/everyone else" type video ? If not I'd be totally keen to see that - your opinions GIVE ME LIFE !
xx from Sunny South Africa !
Couldn't agree with you more! It's not easy being black and gay from a religious Caribbean background at all!!!! All you hear is the abom word etc I've been told that "Oh I am not into blk guys but you're so cute" as well. There is also the concept of ethnic appendage size, so cuz you are black you are well endowed and is a power top. To each his own but just be polite and not RUDE! So glad you shared on this topic that's so relatable.
qw737 man I so feel what you're saying! Both my parents are old school Jamaican and mother is deep rooted in her Christianity. Anything gay mentioned/seen her first reply is either the "God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" line or some crap about Sodom and Gomorrah 🙄.
Also I've been/still am heavily fetishised by 'brother lovers' who can't help but constantly remind you about your skin colour and how they've never done X with a black man etc etc. Annoying af
I love that I'm so open minded. I grew up in a very conservative household and I think it's great I realized my parents' mindsets were so messed up.
Being lesbian and a black woman from a religious family. Is whole another ball game. 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
I think YOU are on the way to being a major gay black role model Ben!!!
I think I'm too opinionated to be a role model haha! Thanks though! -B x
I'm black gay, and just found the man of my dreams! My determination makes me fucking sexy and I love it!
Its weird but as a black bisexual man i felt the need to prepare myself to lose all connection with the black community (becasue the idea of a black man being gay to them equates to being feminine and weak) but also prepare for the rejection that happens in the gay community because im black.
I once had a discussion with other black students in college and we agreed (especially the lgbt black men) that there is this weird mentality that the gay community has this idea of"Black guys are good enough to fuck but not bring around your friends and family". I asked a guy why he found me attractive but "wasnt into black guys" and he proceeded to tell me and it turns out the stereotypes that he had encountered kinda subconsciously made him feel like ALL black guys are like that. And all i though was "Well thats a bummer" xD
Ben, you are an amazing role model for black gay men! You radiate confidence and truth
That really made me smile. Thanks Hazel. -B x
you are amazing Ben. I hope this video is seen by others who think they cannot be who they want to be in society and still be happy. You're a role model for many of these young guys and girls and thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
what i love most about myself is what the others throw at me "you are weird" or "you are crazy" etc... i don't act like them i don't think like them so i am the one with a problem. i am just me. the ones that accept me are my freinds, the rest can fly away out of my sight.
Ben, you're black, and gay, and gorgeous, and well-spoken, and kind. You are what I strive to be. ;)
Great video Ben. Everybody just want to throw all black people into one box, especially here in America. I don't have the stereotypical black, urban accent (you've probably seen it in media a ton), so when people hear me talk you can tell them are sometimes surprised. It sucked being called an oreo as a kid (black on outside, white on inside), especially when OTHER black people were the ones saying it.
And yeah, I have little hope of finding a partner anytime soon because, first, everyone is only into hooking up at 22 years old, and secondly, being black limits your options. And I don't hold anything against people who don't find most black people attractive, but you definitely just get thrown in a box by people just because you're black. Your story about the guy who found you attractive but wouldn't go for you cause he "doesn't do black guys" is the perfect example.
Ups! I forgot to give an example. I actually love that I am a person who will never give up on anything. If I have a goal I would work my ass off to get to that goal. And I also liked that my mother raised me and my siblings to be kind all the time, no matter what. She used to say: " I will not hear about any of my children being rude. Do you understand?" So being nice and kind had become a reflex for me. When I was a lot younger I didn't understand the importance of being kind and loving to each other. But now, I thank my mother a million times.
in all honesty, I support having preferences to dating. I'm white and only into black guys. even since I was a child I've just felt more comfortable with black people in general. I don't dislike anyone at all because of their race (attitude is entirely different) but I go for the big picture (my prince charming) and really to sum it up, I've always pictured myself with a black guy that's weird, nerdy, different etc. it's not always about sex but not everyone is into everyone and it's not wrong to be that way. that's me tho, I'm not offended if anyone says they are not into certain people. it's just not their type
You're just like me. I'm mixed Indian and I've always felt comfortable with black guys myself. There are some who are also on the verge of graduation but we still have contact with one another, even if they're in another school or city etc. Since I started high school, let me tell you, I have made some awesome friends who are all black, but I was the only mixed Indian guy in their company. I didn't care about that, anyway, all I care about is for my friends and how much they mean to me. We've always been chilling, laughing and doing our thing and stuff. We were like a family. Sometimes I always picture myself with a black man just like Ben himself, who is smart, handsome, sexy, fierce, muscular, good-looking and just being himself and a little weird sometimes. I wish to find a hot, gay black man one day. Although I may be wrong with what I said, I understand that it's not all about looks and body image, but I am proud of who I am, not for my body image. I'm proud to be myself. As you said at the end, it's not always all about sex and romance. I hope you find your future soulmate sooner or later. Peace.
I love that I am able to empathize with people and showing my emotions with others is easy for me! Love you guys!
Bring it home Ben! I am raising my hand as you talk. I have had to work twice as hard and I have been and remain an individual on all fronts. I do not want what other people want or want to be like them. You really were hotting home. You really hit home with this video today. Great video.
Thanks buddy! Totally appreciate the support. -B x
I think it's racist when someone says they don't like an entire race. It means you think they are all the same. Each black man I've been with has taught me something new of the levels of racism they face.
No idea if I've been clear. Love the video.
I think I'm awesome fyi
I love that I'm mixed race, Bi, confident, happy, embracing people from all cultures, religions, sexualities etc- one race-the human race -bring the love❤❤
P.S love u guys💙💙
It's interesting what you've mentioned about being the one black gay who actually told your family about your sexuality. I passed through a similar situation where I told my family about me while my gay friends would never do it. I think that's what I love about myself. Courage. I had the guts to do that, and also to leave my home to live with a guy and specially my family supports me way more than before. Also, I realised I could be happy being who I am and that I could have support from more people than I could have imagined before... Love and, most importantly, respect who you are, no matter how.
It's already so hard to find other compatible gay people in this world. Why would anyone limit themselves further?
Everyone has preferences so therefore, everyone limit themselves to certain degrees.
I'm a straight African American woman, but I can truly relate to what you said. The struggle is REAL!!! Lol. What I love about myself are my lips. People would tell me that I have full lips and I would say NO I DON'T! but now I love them and now I'm like I DO HAVE FULL LIPS!! 😚😚😚
SO REAL. Eurghhh. -B x
I relate to this so much. Someone criticized my lips as a child too, and I used to tuck my lips in sometimes as I grew up. Now, I love them wouldn't change a thing. (oh, and now Kardashians have made big lips cool and white ppl getting surgery for them... wtf????)
Have to say, “Oh my gosh,” I love all that you have to say. You asked for your viewers to say one thing they like about themselves. I'm a writer and what I love about myself is when my best friends, both brilliant guys, say, "I can't understand where you get your imagination," and I say, "From you and everyone else. Inspire me." You, and this wonderful video blog, that's right you, inspired me. Thanks so much.
I'm sure it's been said but you ARE that role model. I understand why some people say they're not into 'whatever type' personally I prefer tall skinny, but it never stopped me from being with someone who wasn't.
Being Black and Gay is inspiring. Now we millennials are the role models for the next gen thanks Ben!
Amen sister!
Slayyy! -B x
Excellent video! As a black gay man, everything u said hit home and was accurate. Glad I'm not alone.
Dude this hit home so hard.. thanks for the upload
I'm a brown (?) guy. From a black mom and a white dad. I'm regular looking I guess and I'm such a small guy, like really small. I was so scared of telling my mom cause I could see some people of my family (still in Africa) posting homophobic stuffs and how being Gay is a white or western thing. My mom eventually figured it out and she was just like " it doesn't matter son, I love you. PS : your boy is so hot. Bring him to dinner " something like that. Anyway, I've dated a bunch of guys, from white to asians. And "being black" was never a problem.
The only time I saw a gay black man on TV was from How I Met Your Mother, Barney's brother. I was quite surprised actually, eventhough I'm black. It was just something that people don't see much , especially on TV. It was something that I knew already but it was a reminder that sexuality doesn't have a race.
Love the video! 😘
Say hi to Jack for me! 😘
i still dont understand how someone can not be into an entire race of people.
caciquepadilla that's what I hate most about what people describe as 'their preference'!
Wouldn't care much if it was just a single individual they weren't into but a whole entire race 😱 even when you're just trying to be friends they reject you 😂
I freaking love my confidence my height, culture and how diverse I am as a person. I really enjoyed this video. Love you guys keep on keeping on.
great video it made me feel better about being black and gay and as a 15 year old in highschool it's honestly tough I have come out to only a few people but don't know what my other friends will think of me tbh I'm scared of the outcome I just want to be able to be myself around the people I care about
This is my new favorite video! Every thing was so relatable!! ❤❤❤
That makes me so happy. I was really worried about it being too sad. -B x
EXCELLENT VIDEO!
Thanks for sharing & starting the conversation again. ❤
You're so welcome! Thanks for being here :) -B x
Love the references to Moonlight, I need to watch that movie as soon as possible. As Latin and Gay, we encounter similar stereotypes. History were tougher with blacks, but they rise and conquer. There is much more to do, all need more education and opportunities.
It is really hard being a black gay male and having people puting you in a box, I just want to hope for the best for myself and others out their.😢💯❤
Great video. I have a question though, you talked about men saying they don't date Black men, but have you ever been personally approached by someone who fetishizes Black men? Seems just as equally disturbing. Btw I hope you recognize that you are a role model! :)
and one thing I like about myself is that I'm empathetic.
SO relevant! Such an important topic. So many of my black gay friends have discussed this with me x
As one whom is mostly attracted to ASIAN & Hispanic men ...I can relate to alot of what he's saying
The one best thing I love about myself, is throughout my entire life I have never identified anyone as black or white. I've always been able to see past that and only see the person as they present themselves through characteristics
This is SOOO important! Thx for this, Ben! ❤️
You are SOOO welcome. -B x
LOVE this video, just like how I love the other videos!!! So does this mean we'll be seeing a video of just Jack answering a question that he gets a lot?😂You two are my FAVORITE couple, right under Ellen & Portia! 😘 It's ALWAYS annoyed me how we have to "come out" bc I feel like the day we've made it will be when we won't have to come out. Straight teens don't tell their parents, "Mom, dad...you need to sit down for this. I think it's important for you to know...I'm straight."😨 Yeah, no. NEVER happens. So why do WE have to do that?! It's messed up & complete bullshit! I look forward to the day when teenagers are just like, "Hey mom. So I really like this girl, what should I do?" Then the mom tells her daughter some normal ass advice like she would if her daughter were into a guy. You know what I mean? Does anyone else feel the same? THIS goes for our LGBTQ community, as well!!! I'm so sick of them being so critical of bi's! Most gays/les' say they're bi when first coming out, but then when they actually meet someone bi, they're like, "Umm, yeah, no thanks. I only want someone who's strictly dickly"! Or how lesbians say, "I don't want a P that also likes the D!"😒 It just ALWAYS feels that no one understands bisexuality & to me, I DON'T think it's complicated. Attraction isn't something we can control. Much like how we can't control our sexuality. I just find it insane how we feel the straight community is more accepting of being bi. Yet, the gay/les community are more accepting of being gay or les. Anyone else get what I'm saying? Anyone else that's bi understand me? 🤔
*ANYWAY* LOVE you guys! LOVE our community!!! LGBTQ FOREVER!!!
✊🙌😻❤💛💚💙💜
Erica Polo yes!!! I actually feel a bit weird being asked if I have or haven't come out to my parents bc it doesn't feel like coming out. I just happened to have a girlfriend...and then another one...so my parents we're like "oh well okay then" (but I wouldn't say they accept me being in gay relationships, I guess they just know they can't do much about it now & hope that it's a phase and I will find a husband eventually)
And I'm also bi and I get what you're saying!!!!
OMG. I totally get your feeling, being a gay Asian myself.
Best vlog ever posted. I think what I like about myself is that my expectations of others is not high, I think mainly because being a minority ethnic group, we are used to disappointment hence why we don't pin too much hope on others. Once again thanks for a great vlog; I could actually understand everything you were referring too. Pleased to know that as a fellow gay BME out thoughts are similar. Cheers
Bravo Ben for this video. We need this kind of representation for Black boys and men trying to come to terms with their sexuality. Being Black and gay can be a double whammy. We are often ostracized by both our own community regarding homophobia, and we all know many white gays can be racist as hell so that is why there is the need for Black gay pride separate from gay prides that are predominantly white and planned through a lens of Whiteness. Even some White gays tried to claim Moonlight as a win for them, but didn't acknowledge its Blackness. No. Sit your behind down. This was a great video Ben 👍👍
Thank you for this. Genuinely means a lot. I've been so scared to make this video because I didn't want to be negative, so I hope it wasn't too depressing. -B x
I get it. I get the fear but you are unique in that you have media power to be able to talk about things unique to Black gay men and reach a wide audience. It isn't depressing. It is the reality of many Black boys and men. So I'm proud of you for overcoming that fear and doing this video. I think there will be a Moonlight kind of effect that allow more Black gay men to overcome the same kind of fear and tell their stories.
I agree with this video 100%!!! I think as gay black men HAVE TO be strong to be able to take everything that comes at us whether it pertains to being black OR gay (or both) in social settings AND the work place. We have to prove we ARE capable and we ARE worthy! That is what I LOVE about myself. I don't fit into any molds, I am just ME and other people see me how THEY want to see me and that is NOT who I am. I was raised by my mom and her 5 sisters and they all sat me down and told me, "listen bitch (no lie) you don't worry about what ANYONE says or do to you. If they ain't paying your bills, what they think of you DOES NOT MATTER!" Truer words have never been spoken! :)
Very important for anyone who have some internal issues about being black and gay!! Congratulations!!! Kisses from Rio de Janeiro!
Thanks Julio! -B x
I loved this video, totally relevant to my issues with dating and being gay in NYC. First off let me go ahead and say that what I like about myself is that I am a survivor. There is so so so many things that I have been through over the years, physical abuse / molestation when I was a boy, being gay bashed as a young teenager and still having to hide that from my conservative southern family, 'disowned' by my dad's side of the family because I got outed at college by getting caught in bed with my college roommate who happened to be black, living with other family members who were possible alcoholics and my own struggles in addiction and recovery, and moving to NYC from the deep South to live with my New Boyfriend who after 10 years stopped being monogomous with me and brought home HIV to us both, and then after another 5 years became so angry and combative (and yes physically abusive at times) that even though I have my scars, physical mental emotional and spirtitual, after all of that I am still here. I am still trying to live my life to the best of my ability even if that means I am completely on my own at the moment but trying to get back into dating. Yes I am a white guy so the situation isn't exactly the same, but similar in alot of ways (i think) . I often get the "I'm not into White Guys" blanket statement before I even finish saying the word Hello from certain guys. Being a White Gay Male, Husky / Bear type over the age of 40 (barely), not all that Macho but not Fem either, originally a Southerner but now a New Yorker (with a slight southern drawl) and new to the dating scene again after the end of my 18 year relationship with a Black Gay man (who was actually 1/2 Jamaican and 1/2 German and 1st generation American) and HIV+, I have seen these racial and other prejudices of almost every flavor alive and well in today's Gay NYC Culture as well as in my own family back home, AND Definitely in the very specific expression on my Jamiacan ex-Mother-In-Law's face every time her son brought home a white boy (yes me) to the family dinners... No she never said a single word about any of it, but that LOOK that she gave me frequently told 1000 stories about what she was thinking.. . I myself could be accused of perpetuating some of the issues because of the fact that I am generally more comfortable opening up to and dating guys who are different than myself (black / mixed)...and on that note I am SOOO Tired of being asked about my ex's dick size or getting a certain look from black or mixed guys that I approach because they are assuming that I am like all the other white guys who have hit on them that night, i.e. A Size Queen in need of a good hard Fuck. THAT is NOT me, admitedly there are times that a good fuck is definitely on my agenda but the rest of it is not what I get into. I need to have a conversation and make sure I like the guy as a person at least a little bit before getting into anything sexual, I don't care at all about the size or anything thing else along those lines. I've seen and heard other white guys admit they don't really like to "date" outside their race but do enjoy One Nighters with black guys because of some sort of fetishized ideals that black men are very energetic, high endurance, high intensity sexual partners (in other words they assume all black guys have a huge dick and are amazingly athletic / powerful / aggressive Fucks). Which are not things that are at the top of my personal lists of traits I look for in a man... That being said I think what it is that really bothers me isn't that people have certain preferences, Like I have my own, It's about the ignorance, judgement, disrespect, BLATANT RUDENESS with which the preferences are stated. or more honestly, the personal preference versus racial bias issue does bother me if I think is based on stereotypes myths and assumptions rather than on facts and it seems like zero personal information was gathered by talking to the man first... One of the things that really pisses me off is the guys that have this list of NO's and are Blatantly Rude to anyone that doesn't fit into their ideals but has the audacity to try and engage in conversation.... I have seen the phrase "No FATS, No Fems, No Whites (or NO Black, No Asian, etc...), and No Daddy's (or No Twinks)"..... since I am a Husky Bear type, White, and while not Fem also Not MACHO, poz+, and at the moment completely broke since my separation. the gay dating scene here leaves me feeling like I have been counted out for so many different superficial reasons that I might not find anyone who would even look in my direction ever again. It feels like maybe I'm not even in the same species and I"m left out and completely ignored while watching the more social accepted (Beautiful species of Men) get the attention of everyone in the club / app. And the next time a guy that I am trying to start a conversation with, reaches over to pat my stomach and says something like "lets continue this conversation after you get rid of your Spare Tire" or "I would never be seen in public with someone like YOU but if you want me to Fuck you then I can do that for $200 (or more) cash upfront as long as your face down, no lights" I might not be able to control my reaction and break out my librarian's glasses so I can do a little reading LOL :). Those are actual quotes from assholes that i tried to chat with earlier this week. One was at a bar and one from an App (Adam4Adam sucks sometimes)..... it's all a little depressing and I'm not really feeling much like getting out there and feeling the judgment and rejection sometimes.... :( But still hoping to find someone that makes me feel good and actually like me back , the inner / real me.
You always say things that are so profound. Both of you and just the same… This video is so inspiring and educational at the same time. Love you loads!- Eno
Very educational🙂 I think it's so important for people to understand what's is like for black gay men growing up/coming out and just Day to day life. Because you are right it's like ticking two boxes of being on the receiving end of discrimination rather then just one
"Where is my role model to look up to as a black gay man?" .... you are one x
Ben I loved this!!! I am black and yes I am gay. And to boot, in a conservative country...it is the worst!!! But what I have learnt...love myself 1st and never ever let anyone who do not love me or know who I am, or know my lifes journey, impact me so greatly that I cannot function as a human being. It is difficult, but my sanity, my survival, my happiness is is whats important...so I gotta love myselft first!!
I love this solo video Ben! Very good insights.
Thanks James! -B x
Everyone has his own story either is black or white. Is always awkward seeing in people's profiles no Black, no Chinese, only fit, no fems, no fats.. Just focus on people that like you and accept who you are.
Preach sizzzzzz. i can honestly related to everything in this video.
I needed this so much thx jack
Thanks for this video Ben!!! :3
This got me a bit emotional! Just stay strong and keep your love strong. I like the positivity of you and your partner! Your vids make me laugh a lot! I hope to meet you if you ever come in Italy!
Thank you for making and sharing this video!
I see nothing wrong with a black person being gay.
Hi Ben, very interesting to watch and I can relate. I'm black too and In last year of college and not out. I've been partially outed to a couple people and it's all a mess ATM so would find it very helpful to hear what happened and how it happened when you were outed. Also a massive hi to Jack and hope to see him in the next video, he seems like a great guy and you two are very cute together
Thanks for sharing your experiences Gordon! -B x
This is honestly my life. Thank you so much for this.
You are SO welcome. Sorry it took so long! -B x
Thank you Jack, this video was really insightful.
I love my almond-shaped Asian eyes.
I'm black ,gay & 16 an I don't think I'm ready to come out to my family or friends. really I just want boyfriend in my life an that's it.
nodnarb power Don't worry, you'll find someone special one day...😋😋
Crisantos Bonaba can it be you🙂
nodnarb power maybe, who knows...
nodnarb power I'm sure I can help you with anything, If you have any problems or anything
I adore your confidence and admiration towards a better voice for black gay men. If only the people where I lived were as tolerant, and it isn't easier being a bi-sexual Hispanic teenager in a really homophobic and degrading city.
Love, Peace