How To Take Criticism Without Getting Defensive
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
- Being defensive comes to us very naturally and can validate accusation. Is there a right way to take criticism? Fortunately, there are ways to overcome it.
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Dr. Paul Jenkins
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#LiveOnPurpose
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As someone who is sensitive in criticism i always repeat their words in my head and i imply myself that it isn't that deep but whenever i suddenly remember it, it irritates me. Even in school if i was given simple criticism i would overthink what others might think of me, but i grew out to take it as a lesson although i still am sensitive 🤣 thank you for this video!
Honored to be on your team. It is true we can think too much about some things.
I had a situation this week that left me anxious, confused and angry. I was misreading it so after a debrief I looked at why I get all defensive when I'm being criticised and this really helped me. So Thank you for your feedback
I am so glad the video helped you, picklevid. Thank you for telling me - I'm honored to be on your team.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV you are welcome. I also work in mental health so the person I trusted, who is also a mental health professional really threw me with their criticism therefore I resorted to fight or flight. Your videos are helping me to change those behaviours and make dealing with the issues easier, so thank you again.
Thank you so much; I’ve been carrying around this “guilt” that I have to change to make someone else feel comfortable or better about themselves when it’s not about me, it’s them.
And perception and sense of self is so important, now that I’m learning that; that one action does not define your whole personality, it makes you human; and you would lose yourself if you believe every criticism that someone has about you when you’re just minding your own business and doing your thing while setting boundaries.
S B, Honored to be on your team.
Defensiveness validates accusation.
I hear you, if the accusation is cruel, it can be tough not to be defensive.
I tend to take work criticism personally, and always end up wanting to cry, which I know i can't do, but it's hard to control! what do you recomend?
Whispering Happiness, check out a few of the other videos from the playlist such as ua-cam.com/video/_-v3bbg7O8o/v-deo.html, ua-cam.com/video/ZvsHI_OoCG0/v-deo.html, and ua-cam.com/video/Xkok-bG8yTw/v-deo.html. There are more, check out the playlist at the channel.
Lol whenever I get criticism I pretend like Idgaf then cry about it when left alone
As a type A high achieving female I had a hard time early in my career with this. But oddly I had been on numerous sports teams and never had the same reaction when a coach criticized me or gave me feedback. I would immediately open my mind and thought “he’s trying to make me better so the team is better”. If you trust and respect your manager, then view them as a coach. It completely changed my mindset on feedback.
@@kam.26 thanks for this .
@@kam.26 What if I’m a teacher and the person giving me criticism is my student? Kinda hard to imagine my students as my coach…
Criticism can be redefined as feedback, very good!
Timothy Stone, Thank you, honored to be on your team.
This is what I do, but the issue apparently is that when my opinion is not changed by feedback, especially when it is feedback I have already heard, people get mad at me?
lost things, let them know you have taken what they said seriously, and that the decision stands. It may not be easy, but if it is the right decision, it is what needs to be done.
This was excellent
Thank you, Big Ron.
You are really intelligent. This is helpful. I have been searching for a way to cope with criticism. This is the best advice I have found. Of course my biggest critic thinks he is stating facts about me!
Katherine Lydon, glad you enjoyed the video, thanks.
I REALLY NEED TO LEARN TO ACCEPT CRITICSM WITHOUT CRYING
ain, you have your feelings. Give yourself permission to have those, but decide on when you want to express them. Know that when someone talks negatively, they are talking more about themselves than yours.
Thankyou for this video, I feel as if I got my power back😁
You are welcome, AINA WAHEEDA MOHAMAD. That is what my goal is - to empower YOU.
Thank you so much for such an honest and helpful analysis 🙏🙏
Our pleasure.
I think this is good point because when someone accused me of wrong doing which I didn't do, I always fill guilty when I try to defend my self.
Sagamba Muhira, I am glad the video is helpful.
Great
Content
Thank
You
Defensiveness validates accusation
Simply an opinion
It's them
It's none of your business
Ty for feedback
Thank you for watching!
I just wanted to take the time to say that you’re awesome and thank you for sharing your awesomeness in video form with us!!
What kind words, Kelly Ann. Thank you so much. Honored to be on your team.
This was list the most positive advice I have ever found on the 16 years I've known about this website. Thank you! 😃
Chris Hoy, thank you for watching and commenting.
This is life changing. Thank you!
Ellie, you are welcome.
This is great information
Bridget Musoki, thank you for watching and commenting.
I like your detailed explanation from different angles and your presentation, too. It is not easy to get a hold of ourselves in the moment when getting criticized. But your words and how they are expressed might help to get the truths ingrained deeper into the brain. I said it before, but I really think it’s the right channel for me.
I would also like a video about accepting more easily that you are to blame, when the criticism is justified.
Anastasia Kuc, Thank you for the suggestion on the video. I am adding it to the list.
Thank you 🙏🏽
You are so welcome
Thank You! This was so helpful. Coming from a sensitive POV
Glad it was helpful!
Very helpful information thank you sir.
Most welcome, Ebrar.
I needed to hear this right now
dawn hale, awesome, glad you are in our community.
Good advice...thank you so much 🤗
johnpatrick estillore, you are welcome.
and why don’t they teach this in school?
Bleup, I don't know, I can help with that.
Thanks! Very constructive and effective way to look at the criticism.
Glad it was helpful!
Sometimes ppl criticising you are actually bullying you. Thats why we get defensive, not because of an objective problem but because they're targeting you regardless.
Steve Y, I did a video on that, What to Say When Someone Insults You.
That last bit about saying ' thank you - thank you for the feedback, i shall consider it"....that part is very powerful. I'm enjoying these videos, finding them quite instructional. I wonder what branch of psychology the Doctor is most associated with, is it behavioural?
You are so welcome, yes, that is where the majority of the training came in.
*sends this to my mom*
I hope it helps.
My feedback was: " you get defensive when I try to help you so I feel I can't talk to you" and I got defensive and cried..
Ok I watched your video.. I see that the feedback given was true and I demonstrated it in that moment.. now what do I do to stop reacting that way? :(
Tammy G, find a time when you are feeling better and the other person is o.k. talking and begin working through the situation.
"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."
- Marcus Aurelius.
"True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing"
-Socrates.
"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools"
- Ecclesiastes.
“know yourself and you will win all battles”
- Sun Tzu.
"There is no respect for others without humility in one's self."
- Henri Frederic Amiel.
Thank you, I like a good quote. There are some good ones here.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV "The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotation"
--Isaac D'Israeli.
"A fine quotation is a diamond in the hand of a man of wit and a pebble in the hand of a fool"
--Joseph Roux.
This is very helpful
SingPing Luv, thank you, I am honored to be on your team.
I'm sensitive
We have some videos on the playlist about that subject.
What if they say it is a fact when it's still not true and they run with it becuase the other person feels hurt by it becuase whether they try to defend themselves or not and getting offended and then gets shut out and feel like they have no voice becuase they feel like they can't even win for losing and either way they lose regardless...
Jasmyn Amore, that gives you a lot of information about the other person and you can decide what kind of a relationship you want to have with them.
I love this guys facial expressions
Thank you, Nikoline.
Chandler1929, You Video Is Great! Powerful Message About Taking Criticism, Without Getting Defensive, Which Is A Point That UA-camrs Like Onison And Keemstar Really Miss And Don't Get, In My Opinion.
Chandler1929, thank you for watching.
Which, Speaking Of Onision, I Heard That Chris Hansen Is Coming For Him. For.....You Know.
Paul, thank you so much for sharing your gift/insight! I dont know where I would be without it!! oxoxoxoxox's
You are so welcome.
I say to my critic that's interesting. Now let's examine your life.
I like it.
superbbbbbbb .....vedio.........
Linda Varghese, hi again, thanks for being here.
this describes me to the T
Laurie Guenther, hopefully it is helpful for you.
In the first place why wouldyou be criticising people? XD
XxSkylerPlayzzX25 -nice, well, in a work situation, we need to be able to be told what we are doing wrong or how to do something better. Same things with school, from kindergarten through graduate school. We want to become better so we need feedback.
The thought process you are going through is just not natural. I have no idea how you are arriving at those conclusions.
Bryan Stark, just sharing what I have learned over the last 30 years.
Did anyone feel defensive watching this video? Lol
kyle sconiers, haha, thanks for watching.
luckily for me, no; though I did feel defensive watching other videos on the topic :))
I feel attacked! 🤣
It doesn't make sense
😂
Everyone who looked up this video is already taking the proper path of self reflection. 😊
This man saved my life. I been watching & listening to him. I'll watch his video over and over again to remind myself. Being angry only gonna hurt me. I'm here to learn and not be negative towards someone when I get defensive, upset or angry with anyone.
Queen Divine Nova, and that includes yourself. This takes time and practice to learn, don't give up.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I won't give up 💪🏾 I love the F.A.R.T method, I take two deep breathe & listen to everyone before me. Today was a great day at work and start the same challenge over again. I asked my manager "What can I do to make it better so we can all get along?" And I got my answers.
I wish the rest of my family would understand that sensitivity can be good! Thank you for this! It helps me think in a different way :)
Fantasy Arts, sensitivity can be good and I am glad you are going to be there to set the example for them.
0:30 Defensiveness Validates Accusation
1:30 There's a Difference Between Facts & OPINIONS
2:10 We Don't Have to Respond to That Attack
2:40 They're Telling Us More About Them Than They're Telling Us About Ourselves
2:50 What Other People Think About You is not YOUR Business
3:15 FEEDBACK: You're Getting Input Back From Something That You're Interacting With
3:40 INFORMATION: About What? About That Person's OPINION
4:25 My EXPERIENCE of You is That You're Sensitive
7:45 CRITICISM Can be Redefined as FEEDBACK
8:25 You're Still in a Better Stronger Position if YOU Consider it as FEEDBACK, Even if...
8:35 Say Thank You
Thank you, Shawndra.
If someone says youre sensitive. Take it as if you know now how much is too much for them. Cuz your feelings are infinite.
Inni Shel, thanks for watching and commenting.
I've had so much problems with being defensive up to the point where it cost me many days of heated never ending pointless arguments that has a repetitive pattern, this helps a whole lot. Kudos yet again Dr Paul. Thank you.
Better days ahead, Brian Ng Chillex. Thanks for watching.
0@@LiveOnPurposeTV
Gosh this video is so disarming! I'm not even half way through and my shoulders have already dropped half an inch.🤣
That is so great to hear.
Bruh i get mad asf 😂
Disco Rabbit, I hope the video is helpful for you.
I need to remind myself learning to maintain humbleless and open mind for criticism in better way to improve on daily lives very helpful thank you!
Daniel Fundora, you are welcome, thank you for being here.
Opinions stink.
People don't seem shy in sharing them though.
This video helped so much!
Im not who YOU think I am , I am not who I think I am, I am who I think you think I am , I cant say I agree with defense is validating accusation, I would say it APPEARS to validate accusation, I am not going to thank someone who is lying about me and getting defensive can also be because you believe righteousness is more important than listening to lies, it may not be the wisest choice to correct someone who is lying about you and sometimes not saying anything such as being a public figure gives the impression you are lying by not saying anything, BUT, then again Jesus said nothing quite often as his response so it probably is the best thing to do, but I usually get defensive because I know its wrong and dont want others to think I agree with something that is wrong...
Peter theRock, different situations would require different responses. I understand what you are saying and often people understand more about who we are by our actions.
Thank you, this really helped me, I had to rewatch like 3 times lol
Glad it helped! Jon Jeremy, come back again when you need a refresher.
3:57--"Let's say someone tells you 'You're so sensitive' AS IF that's a BAD thing!" Talk about flipping the script!! Great video
Yep. Thanks for watching.
for those like me who are hypersensitive to/ dysregulated by it, I feel this affirmation will help with self-regulation:
"criticism = simply what triggers the other person"
very helpful talk! I just subbed to this channel.
Theea M, welcome to our positive community. Glad you are here.
This is the comment I needed to read. I’m hypersensitive. Affirmation definitely helps calm down the mind or defensiveness. But yes “criticism = simply what triggers the other person”
i had to disagree in the part that you said "nobody thinks like this." because, not to toot my own horn, but this is exactly how i see it! often, this is how criticism translates to me and this is how i process it! though there are still times that my hotheadedness gets the best of me, this is how i think i normally see it!
That is perfectly all right. Thank you for sharing.
Perhaps this person meant nobody in a figurative way, as in, not a lot of people from what he has witnessed before. I too tend to think about feedback in this analytical way also.
How do we handle our boss give us criticism without feeling upset?
Ask yourself what he or she is saying and try to separate it from the way they are saying it. Ask yourself if there is any truth to the criticism and if you can do anything about what they are saying. If you can, do it, if you can't, ask for more information.
Thank you for the feedback, is a very interesting way to look at this. You can consider an opinion without consuming or owning it! This is a very empowering video! Thank you. God bless
Thank you, julie Trader. Honored to be on your team.
Thank you for the feedback!! I was almost too defensive at the beginning of the video. I didn’t want to hear your opinion on my most shameful behaviour even though your not even here and It was my choice to watch it!!So crazy how brains be. Where has it all even come from ?😹😹 I really appreciated your insight. It’s exactly what I needed to hear and now I’m going to watch all the videos and learn how to master myself. Thank you
Wonderful! Please share with others who might benefit.
thank you for the amazingly awesome videos!! 😆
Thank you, Shelom Garcia. Glad you found value in the video.
It depends, if someone calls you lazy and your not of course your gonna mad and defensive
You don't have to get mad. You can choose to be amused.
Defensiveness = Guilt is the French style of justice. This is America, and defensiveness could mean innocence. When the police pull me over, I will be defensive. Nice, pleasant 'how are you sir'? But I did not do it.
That sounds like the safest route to take. Good luck.
This is such a very timely reminder of the universe to me ( like a heavy smack in the nape) to say ‘Thank You for your feedback’ to those who misunderstood my calmness and neutrality over chaotic situations. They thought of me as unsupportive of their negative emotions and blind or self-centered opinions. Well, my nature is not egoic that is why people view me as ‘not normal’. I have learned so much how to ‘respond’ instead of to ‘react’. And believe me folks, its more calming and peaceful
❤️
Thank you for chiming in. This could be helpful for many others.
I'll be looking forward to his videos & I'm loving it so far. I used the FART - frustration, anger, resentment and timeout method is my favorite way to cope with irritability.
Queen Divine Nova, you got this!
Lol
I was thinking, right before you said it... it's *information* about how you are being *perceived* by *that person.* and so... if it's a work situation and/or their perception is important to me, the question is... how can I change their perception to my advantage? So I may want to ask them for more information. "Can you expand on that?" And maybe even ask them, what sort of changes would alter their perception.
(Still trying to work out the best way to ask that without giving away power or appearing to commit to the changes they want... maybe asking, how they would handle xyz situation.)
More information is what you need. However you get that is up to you. Asking questions to the person is ideal since they are the ones you are concerned with. The best way not to commit yet is to say, Thank you, or that helps.
Viewers may find something of interest in my book - Correction without Criticism [Etta Ganter]. It provides an approach for having emotionally tough conversations. Strategies are made explicit and examples are provided. 🙏
Thank you for the suggestion.
Me: (criticized or disagrees with a song they wrote with my own honest opinion, without actual hate, especially when I did research & read lyrics)
Song writer's fans: (cancel cultured me & tells me to check my privilege)
We can't know another's heart. There will always be someone to disagree with your opinion.
As a musician. I don't give feed criticism unless I think you're talented and you can do better some things better. I'm not the music critic without musical back. If I'm criticizing and I say you can do this really well, needs work on, and you do this really poorly and you really need to work on this. I'm never malicious and I think you're talented and you can just improve on some things, but you're talented to me. I don't bother giving criticism to people who aren't talented because it's a waste off time.
Thank you for watching and giving your perspective.
I used to be very defensive. Unaware I was giving them the power to be in control I doubt if there's anyone who ever got this type of Criticism Constant surveillance with every move you make. I came to realize it's sickness bro there are not okay like seriously every time I type on my phone, whatever I wear, wherever I go . I'm holding my phone mind you.
This is reality I'm not joking.
Luyolo Mpembela, I hope you don't have to be in this situation much longer.
I have always taken things personally and have been tryong to interpret things less defensively. This is affirming and so hepful.
Thank you!
YC, our pleasure. Thanks for being here.
Defensiveness validates accusation AND assumption. the problem with humans, is that they act or speak out before they think something through, especially if they don't know the facts first. Business is notorious for this. they automatically blame the costumer for not paying their bill, rather than see if the bill was received yet, or if the costumer even got the bill. there's always a valid reason why a bill might be seen yet. they don't have a right to just assume the bill wasn't paid intentionally. this is an example of the powerful abusing their power against the powerless. so therefore, it's ok to be defensive if you feel you are being pushed around all the time. when people get blamed for things that are out of their control, being defensive is justified, especially if they are in the wrong, and you're in the right. my advice is, don't be afraid to stick up for yourselves and stand up to power, otherwise they are just going to keep wiping their feet all over you. my advice to the powerful is, don't open your mouth until you know your facts first because once it's said, you can't take it back. saying we're only human, that's a copout or a poor excuse.
Laurie Guenther, I get what you are saying. It is such a difficult experience to go through.
I have problems getting defensive with my wife. It’s our main argument starter, and I just want to stop talking to her like an asshole. How do I figure out what to say in the moment when she criticizes me?
Victoria Pena, don't say anything. Tell her you are going to take a break and move away from the situation to calm down. Come back when you are calm and able to discuss something.
Thank you for this. Hey I actually do think like that 🙂❤️ What about my behavior has them experiencing me as sensitive?
It does not mean it’s true, I learned long ago that perception is reality. Communication is key...
Shawnette, yes, I like that.
Video: talks about taking criticism
Also the video: Makes like and dislike ratio private
I am not sure what you mean about making likes and dislikes ratio private. I don't have anything to do with the set-up of UA-cam.
just tell them what the dude says "Well you know that's just like your opinion man"
Stay calm. I like it.
Really needed to hear this today being criticized sucks thank you so much
It does take a lot out of us, if we let it.
My fav is opinions are kinda like armpits everyone has one, and they stink . Best ever
Thanks, sari taylor. Honored to be on your team.
I dont think an opinion always says something about ourselves.
Thats a perfect way to deflect any sincere feedback you receive and keep yourself from growing.
If I go to a restaurant and the food is tasteless then you can say that that is my opinion, or you consider it to be true, check your food and if it is true you take this opportunity to improve your spicing.
With the restaurant analogy, you can share your opinion, but the other person doesn't have to take it. Share away.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Yes, but that was not the pount of my comment. The point was that we must beware not to dismiss sincere feedback by deflecting it.
Its is actually true that whatever we say says something about us, but that doesn't mean it never simultaniously says something about the other person as well.
The problem about accepting criticism is, the more you take a criticism, the more people enjoying ride on you like a puppet. I have experienced this till a stage I realized those people were not really criticising me, they are bullying me by picking up on any points they could to bring me down and the things they criticised me are the things I have been doing much better while they do it way worst, e.g. a D student criticised an A student for not answering a question correctly while the D student answered it even more all wrong and that's why She's a D student. I do think that we need to learn some reaction to make those who criticised us feel insulted, stupid or wasted their time criticising us. This is why some defensive acts needed or if you to stay quiet or ignore them, make sure to do so with spiritual "wall" buit in between to intimidate those who criticised
Sally Lemon, Criticism and bullying are different. You know how they feel and bullying should not be put up with. It isn't ok.
This is true. It's ok to set your own boundaries (not to be confused with defensiveness) with people as well. Even in this case many can confuse setting a boundary as a negative response when all you are doing is owning yourself before others begin to. Many people can become the boss of you when you are just trying to live your life if you allow them to. I also feel that before I offer advice or criticism (unless you are at a job playing a certain role that can change the game) it's best to ask what they are wanting to gain from the conversation or issue at hand.
What if they keep getting critical in a bullying negative way I can't stand negative people
Tauanave Moo CHING, can you limit your contact with them? Be positive and smile no matter what.
i am get couching for a game for a friend and i can't stop get defensive i am ganna try this and come back to you
Sam Ingram, thank you for trying it out.
I think that the most important factor is the intention of the person criticising you, criticism is not toxic itself, some people are
A lot can be conveyed through tone and body language.
Everyone had an opinion and everyone have something to hide?
And when someone states a fact about you. Listen?
And when they do know you?
Not sure what you mean, Andreas Landgren. Everyone has opinions, you can listen and you will know when someone really gets you. Thank you for watching.
An opinion by a group of people has landed people in jail or even out of a job.
I can see that.
Thank you, for just being you. I will put this skill into practice.
Great, Mariana Medina. Expect your confidence to increase as you practice. Thank you for watching.
My friends, family, colleagues and employers know that if they criticise me I'll give them a mouthful...so they no longer bother.
Defensiveness validates accusation = subscribed
Glad to have you in our community. Please share so others can join.
Thank you because breaking it down makes me now analyze it that way from now on. Hahaha my problem is that it hurts to see them have that particular opinion but I love how you resolve it
Girlsusetheinternet2 123456, honored to be on your team.
I thought the same thing! I hate to admit it, but there is an urge in me to be seen as ‘good’. And it’s something that should be dealt with. It’s not healthy.
I’ve had a thought just now, that in a way I show these people disrespect because with my defense I am telling them: ‘no, what you’ve experienced and felt was wrong, change your feelings of that moment, quickly!’. And this disrespect of them serves to clear my name. It’s kind of egoistic (or egocentric, I don’t know which one).
I think about my thinking and I’m not a phycologist
You don't have to be a psychologist. That is the fantastic part! Glad you are in our community.
Let’s remind ourselves of the meaning of criticism: ‘the expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes.’
Note the word perceived.
Criticism can either be fair or unfair. It can be constructive or unconstructive.
Fair and constructive criticism should obviously be taken on board.
Unfair and unconstructive criticism shouldn’t.
It validates the accusation in the minds of stubborn assholes who already have made up thier minds about you anyway. So what if we apply this to a court of law. What if there was no defense, now you only have accusers? Ok
Feedback should always be considered but not necessarily consumed. Ok. Learning how to create those boundaries in my thinking so that I can practice considering the feedback without consuming it or letting it consume me would probably be helpful.
It is very powerful, Sara M. Thank you for watching.
I was expecting to learn how to handle fair criticism that is absolutely valid without getting my ego crushed... well this is not video
"Do you feel the defensiveness melting away already?"
Me: "OMG yes! Yes! Yes!"
I feel like this video just transformed my marriage.
Deveron Crawford, glad to hear it. Thanks for watching.
Love that! Their experience of you/me
Versatile 316, thank you!
I should have practice this as I failed to today where my boss said so much things of me which he state as a "fact". i was left confused. I believe everyday is a new day. I was a little defensive, but I manage to say thank you and as what I can do better.
Notes:
1. It's someone's opinion.
2. They're opinion is a reflection of them.
3. Pause and reflect on the opinion.
4. Try and come up with another question.
5. It's only how that person sees you in the 3D reality and doesn't mean it's a feedback.
6.Thank you.
Dione De ridder, yes, listen to what others have to say and run it through your own truth filter. You don't have to agree with everything, and you don't need to argue, it won't help.
Everyone has different tastes, simple.
Human development 2.0. Thanks for uploading :)
Andreas, you are welcome.