My narcissist definitely unlocked my own suppressed narcissism. I admired his ability to detach and mortify. I imitated some of his hot/cold methods in my relationships afterwards. I enjoyed the semblance of power it gave me. I'm in my mid 30s now and have been in therapy. At the end of the day I want to succeed in life and the more engrained those narcissistic behaviours become, the less functional l am.
My ex narc called me a clown (when i tried to show him intimacy), a retard ( because his friends liked me), and cold-hearted (out of the blue and for no reason). When we broke up he called me a narcissist before he blocked me on social media. 😂😂 i'm thinking what in the hell just happened...
The narcissist envies me...hates me because i am better than them. They hate to see the good in me..they want to eliminate the good in me. They cannot be good like me. There will never be as good as me.
@@karlopetrovic3733 ...and it WOULD sound like that to a narcissist. Narcissist cannot be good and they dont even understand what good is, even if you explained it to them.
... and you want’s to eliminate the badness in him/her, just because you hate that part in yourself ( you trying denial your own shadow ) The truth is you running away from yourself like narcissist do. Narcissistic ppl provided me with so much perspective that I badly needed to grow into a better human being. They are my best teachers... and... I’m thankful for all the lessons. 🤍
@@elizabetho6604 A wise person, an informed person knows that the evil that lies within a narcissist cannot be eliminated..any attempt is futile and can be damaging in every way..physically, mentally, financially and spiritually. Yes, yes, yes...RUN away from the narcissist as fast as you can. The only way i see the 'bad' in me is if i look within and eliminate it myself. Therefore, 'good' restores and prevails, therefore, i WIN..and the narcissist loses. He loses me.
Agreed, anyone who makes a big deal out of being empathetic is usually narcissistic, they always act like no one can feel for others as much as they do which in itself I think is narcissistic
I don't believe in empath. There is no such thing. I believe there are people who are just wise and walk away however, that devil possessed 47 year old child pulled my ponytails one too many times and I turned into a wolf with glaring red eyes and if you so much as disrespect me - I am done! Done! Done! This whole experience been revolutionary for me and I love it. I feel empowered. Strong. So yes, I am not an empath. I took a chance in love and it didn't work out but I am not about to mope around because of it. I have a life to live.
The perceived lack of consequences Narcissists face is what I envy. I yearn to be relieved of the pain of enmeshment. Yet my commitment to the fullness of my humanity disavows me my own consequences. My rage is simply my muse now. Alot of creativity emerges when I acknowledge it. LOVED your poem. I'd say it was brilliant but that contradicts it's meaning. Ha!
Prof. Vaknin - I do agree i was connected by my 'dark side' to NPD person (i think i admired confidence, power, social 'skills' (manipulative ones in fact)) - however i still consider myself as healthy person - i have good side and traits and, apparently, i have also proclivity for evil via my dark traits (how i 'wish' to be: cold; in control of others etc.). The reason i still consider myself as mentally healthy is i can choose to act out in good or evil manner, it's consious. For example even if i'm tempted to lie to make things 'simplier for myself' or i do know i could cheat and pretend it didn't happened - i do not act in this direction as this inevitable does brings more evil to the world and destruction to other person in relation. I can be on spectrum for sure, but real NPD i had relation with, has actively embraised dark side without recognition of doing 'bad' (deluded to do 'good' in order to 'protect' others; (BTW. as i investigated, probably never been mortified before)) and actually lied and cheated with extreme gas lightening and self-delusion. I'd appreciate Your comment on this - does having proclivity to wrongdoings via dark side (we all are humans, right? :)) but not commiting evil in reality (lies, cheat etc.) makes the distinction between healthy self-aware person that knows that IS ABLE TO do wrong vs. actually NPD who seems like unable to make any concious decision but doing evil all time?
Mentally healthy people: 1. Control their impulses; 2.Are aware of the consequences of their actions; 3. Choose always to minimize harm to others and to themselves (self-love and empathy).
@@samvaknin many thanks Profesor for answering my question. The difference is in actual actions. Have a gr8 day! Havent expected You would answer to old video, for me the recognition, confrontation and mortification of NPD i was in relation with is so fresh. Your knowledge helps a lot, kudos! 😁
I arrived to this conclusion even when my fluffy ego resisted. Have to say that this acknowledgment was precisely what brought me release, embracing it fully. Now I will continue watching. Thank you, Herr Doktor, this is a gem, a black one but a gem.
i have to agree , before i speak i wish to let u know i had no knowledge that i have gained in past 2 months, however i am astounded by how much i did actualy identify as to what was hapening not only around me but also within me , yes i was out of my depth for sure but as i have now learned that many of my actions which brought about my diguard were actualy exactly what i needed to do to extracate my self from a situation that had become intolarable , my point is ware did the wisdom or knowledge come from ? it had to of come from within , this video certainly resinates with me , and no i do not wish her harm shes doing that all by my self and she has unwittingly propeled me on a path of discovery that im realy excited about with a healthy dose of intrepidadion too as i move clumsily being a carpenter and not a schollar inhibited a little by my age 64 , towards dicovering my contibition to this mess , thank you
This is why it is so incredibly painful and confusing to be an identical twin in a narcissistic family. I am now trying to be no contact. But, my twin is in constant victim mode and our parent constantly tries to pull me into it. I have been the rescuer while pronounced the oppressor for decades. Thanks to Sam Vaknin, I’m understanding more and getting out. But, I question how to deal with my own issues, wonder who I am, and think of my twin daily, cry over their situation and their pain, cry over my pain, and feel guilt, anger, loss, hope, and so much more. I don’t understand why I can’t find any research on this unique and terrifying relationship of narcissism between identical twins in a narcissistic family. This video highlights it. You can,t be any closer to clones than being an identical twin. Talk about confusing projections and the need to feel unique. I have always felt I was just me, but know it is a crazy thing that I feel both totally different than my twin, while knowing we are also identical in many ways, which I feel is probably not a good thing a lot of times. My spouse thinks we are more different than alike. My twin tries to force me to comply with their beliefs and needs and conduct. Then they are aggressive, hateful, hostile, and create eternal grudges over tiny little things, and more. They are forever offended, even though I have rarely seen or interacted with them. They devalue me, trash me, and destroy me mentally. Though I don’t behave that way or talk to them badly, my feelings about them fluctuate wildly. After watching this, I feel even more confused about what I am and how to be healthy.
Wow, that really sounds like a difficult situation. Somehow, your toxic parents created a division between you and your twin - something that's very unusual. The person who should have been your lifelong best friend is turned against you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so like a narcissist to change everything around in the family for their own benefit and take away from someone else what should be theirs - causing great pain and isolation (in the family) for that person. I hope you find good friends and a new family elsewhere with non-narcissistic people. You deserve good friends and family. Remember that this does not mean anything bad about you - it's the narcissist who is the problem.
it's true we first admire them , are drawn to them , they seem confident , secure , like they know what they are doing but many don't or it doesn't include you .I have never hated the Narc, my experiences haven't been too damaging as I am pretty suspicious and strong willed . I tried to understand , have compassion , unlock the mystery of these encounters and reoccurring themes , ( there have been several in my life and I have to agree it, NPD and or Narcissism are becoming systemic ) and have learned much in the process as I have by listening to your tutorials , which really see the BIG multidimensional picture .
I tend to be attracted to those who exhibit traits of my dark side which I hesitate to express or acknowledge openly. My ex was the yin to my yang, he was what I couldn't allow myself to be. I loved him even though he could be terrible, because I saw some of myself deep within him. He often projected his faults onto me and I recognized it as such. It was a strange symbiosis. Before no contact was mutually initiated, I had developed the traits he often accused me of whenever I put him on the defensive. I don't think I express myself as the same person I was before I met him, but I believe it is my dark side manifest - everything I didn't think I could be has been brought to the surface so that I might examine it. I don't think this would have happened had I never met him. Deep down I still love him because of how similar I believe we are.
This video just started a revolution inside my understanding of my Self. Filled it out, for a minute at least, as I'm sure I'll eradicate any awareness of these aspects of myself in the time it takes to close my laptop, get dressed, and leave for work. I hope not though because this feels so much more realistic, much more empathetic actually. Shallow dualistic instincts take another blow.
You dont want to be nothing like the narc ever, I think in a way you may start thinking like them because their manipulative hurtfull tormentful it rubs off on you, your so used to it, so argue back with them but only them, but you get hurt because their master manipulators, because you got to survive too, use some of their vile words back to them, just like they hurt you, belive me it hurts them because they don't forget so bring it up, I would say sometimes I'd be envious but he would be envious more because he would show it he would act out, you don't care what you say to the narcissist in the end you learn their behaviours. It can't be helped. Yes he had two personalitys a charming nice helpfull one and the vile nasty bully.
I actually liked your poem very much..... to me, narcissists are like that car accident on the road that you just HAVE to rubberneck and see! They’re like the murder mysteries on tv that we also like to watch cuz it peaks our curiosity. But we’d never allow ourselves to stoop to their level of evil tendencies ! Your poem made a lot of sense!
I experienced what you talked of, seeing myself in the other, he sent me a photograph of himself and upon seeing it I felt so strongly that the image I was seeing was myself that I asked my housemate if it was me. truly bizarre
Just to add an information on the ancient Greek word "empathy" which has been mistranslated and therefore misused vastly. Empathy (Εμπάθεια) means exactly the opposite of how it has been interpreted worldwide i.e. when you use it even now in modern Greek it implies very strong negative feelings of animosity, aversion and hatred towards someone and NOT the positive feelings of affinity and compassion. So in a way it is close to the term Empaths as you unveil it. Saying so I want to express my appreciation, even an awe for the fascinating and reality seeking work you have done and you are producing in the field of psychology, its high quality, the insight, the sharing and the references in art, poetry and other scholars' work that you bring forth.
I must confess that what is said in this video is apsolutely right! My female narc brought out the devil in me (as we all have inside of us that good and bad side) that I very much for all of my life have been ignoring it! She knew darn well from the beginning that I was a cheat during our dating and acted too polite, too nice for my own good never wanting her to find out about my past life (before I met her) and my own dirty deeds and when she came it was like an immediate opening as you say of a Pandora box (on the inside I was denying my true reactions to her seduction, mind-fuck, games, questions not being myself trully) and delivering answers of such kind destined to be liked by her! I considered myself throughout my life as a depressive, lonely guy, never having a girlfriend, a job, friends (Peter Pan syndrome) who only got away in his 30 years of life through schemes, lies, deceit and manipulation (extracting money from other people, using than ditching other people like yesterday's paper, kicking my own mother out of my apartment) and that along with many other things I have hidden from my narc who was very open about her life and she could sense that something was wrong with me! You can guess what route she took in her approach with me: everything I have done to many other people (friends, mom, sisters, colleagues that I have supressed within me wanting to leave the best impression on her) she did it to me! Like a cruel lesson for me to learn of my own dysfunctional and destructive behaviour. I never acknowledged of such things within me trully and obviously liked it within her because she represented that dark side of me, the unconscious that I've been denying within me almost all my life! The way I raged at what she did to me (after I realised the whole thing after she discarded me) definetely sets me to be a covert narcissist who falsely deludes himself to be a empath just because during one period of my life I was an honorable member of one church organisation... honorable until I went cheating and manipulating loads of folks there for money that once they figured it all out they discarded me, just as my female narc did it to me! I'm obviously a magnet for narcissists (my mom is one) and all my dates/girls I dated were very much damaged and hard to give love. Only by the last one in my life line (a 20-year old girl that I mention in this writing) I saw of my own contradictional and hypocritical view and dealing with life: it was good to fool so much people in making them think I'm a good guy and once provoked by them it was like "who gives a fuck about you, you're history" and once the female narc fooled me the same way I was so much in tears: "how, I loved her, this can't be, how could she do this to me, I will punish her"! The starve for vengeance only doubles it all that my narc just mirrored my own problems and that I am like her with one big difference: she basically told me all in my face (subtle signs, indirect, direct) of her narcissism while I ignored her's and very much ignored my own. A shadow is a fucked up thing to resolve as it's a long way to heal it all, that dark side of ones soul in order to win over a trauma caused by a childhood upbringing (it's like I know it all in theory but in practice I still move away from that part of me)! Never the less thank you profesor Sam Vaknin for this and all your videos for opening up to the public of such important topics that shape and present ourselfs and our world views and relationships, your work is very much appreciated!
So true, so true. Thank you for the insight into my own frailties. After a while like you said Prof Sam, as a partner of a narc you learn to push their buttons and how to manipulate them to try and turn the tables because you cant just end the relationship. In my case there was something I was getting out of the deal such as companionship with a handsome man as well as convenience of the relationship to overcome my loneliness after my husband died. I started using him to justify my feelings of his behaviors. Thank you for calling us out (lol).
I did envy him. But thanks to watching your videos and getting out of this „victim state“ - i realize that I am better then he is! And shit He made me better than he is! I got my dark side. And i learend from the best🤟🏼
You’re amazing and your insight is absolutely correct. I’ve always felt that way myself at least I’m my situation. Got to know who I was while also educating my mind obsessive compulsively. Thank you for words. You’re right spot on.
Do you mean "that they sense a potential thereof." ? Sam is clear that this process is not know to the narcissist doing it. Unless the narcissist is a Sam Vaknin, and there are not many of those (one, I think).
Sam (1:23)" He forces people around him, to become him." Well that's my experience. I was mistreated unless I could prove that I can also mistreat others. I couldn't do it, had to get out of the company to go to a better place.
@@musah3619 Interesting. I think Sam teaches that the narcissist does not "see potential" or "force people around him..." in a conscious way. That was my question for you. Did you think it was knowing, planned, intentional in your case?
@@musah3619 Disturbing "natural reaction which is alien to me but normal to them." One of the best stated "Get the Hell Out" triggers I have ever heard. Well put.
I did admire him, envied him, competed with him...got the kick with it all. Then drowned in his (my own?) trap. As the people pleaser I was due to childhood abuse, he was the power I was not. For a while I wanted hin dead, yes, now I pity him. No resentment left, seing my own patterns, mostly...i hope. My naivety met him, the other side of the spektrum...also my spektrum...and blended i guess i can say. The narcissist is my shadow side. Thank you so much for this and other videos! Your poem was great, i was moved, did i relate to it thinking of him...or me? Or both? I don't know. 🌹
Hello Sam, Well if I had the IQ you have, I wouldn’t keep learning the hard way. I was raised to a tender abandonment age 15 - 16 year olds shoved into a survive or die way to experience what I deserved for being (just being was not enough for either parent ). I continued having relationships with men just like my absentee father, claiming to love me only to hurt me an then my children. I wasn’t even aware all my men were on the charts as personality disordered. I kept trying kept on loving big, kept searching for family,love, healing. Long story short.... spent 40 some years with screwed up people. Thought that was the only life I was worthy of. , men only used women so shut up and get over it. All good until my children fell apart.. I left with my kids (1 with me 1 already gone ) when he truth of what drove me to become suicidal. I lived through that by some divine guidance. So now I’m into healing because I now know about What and why these hurtful creatures do to us. Was happy to be alive and now aware of what happened to distort my interpretation of the world. It was all the narcissist, except it wasn’t, I see how I’ve slid into the empath acting all victim and now knowing that’s the fake me. Shit thought I was going to heal grow up an find true root problem so I could teach all the other unaware victims how to escape this hard path of finding out who we are.. counterparts with our Narcissists who said this all along we are just as messed up as they are we just don’t like to be given criticism or put downs
Tbh I always viewed narcissism as a sliding scale I slide up and down as are many of my family, I find no horror in this aspect of myself as knowing it’s there helps me to keep a hold on it as also knowing the other end of the scale the over giver the enabling mother to all I also am now learning to monitor ..
I agree, I figured out a somatic narcissist before he could entrap me, I have strong boundaries which definitely saved me but I still have a dark fascination with him, definitely the dark side of me is so super attracted to him but the light side of me is repulsed, I find myself in a war within myself now, will the light side be stronger than the dark and be able to keep resisting, only time will tell, even though I know what will happen there is still a huge part of me that wants to go there, wants to touch
Unfortunately we find ourselves in the Age of Dummies, psychology for dummies, art for dummies, writing for dummies. I can't agree with you more. A lot of art history has gone that way too, as well as art itself. I feel the need to go underground for years, and hope that when I surface this dummie obsession is over.
Wow, this is mind blowing! So the Narcissist is a valuable teacher! I knew it! We get nothing from killing the messenger, but we better ourselfs from contemplate the horror of our pet cementery and integrate our low umpulses in order to work on them. Any help on what do we do when we dare to open the Pandora box and see the shamefull desires and uglyness? What do we do once we aknoledge our demons?
Just like someone who can not see the victory in your post, Cris. A stage of getting to the point of self reflection after being abused by a narcissist requires a journey through angry places like the one reflected in Lia'a reply. We are all "self absorbed". Especially the empath.
Never considered this before but yes, after carefully pondering I would definitely agree. I admit that I admire the effortless seductive control that many Covert Narcissists have over myself and others. In addition, Narcissists give us a peek into what it feels like to be them as they feed us supply when they love bomb us. Being love bombed is indeed an exquisite experience which we greatly miss when it is rescinded. In these aspects as well as several others, we are the same.
👏👏👏 You can't provoke me to insanity... I'm already here, lol. Nice video, very informative and thought provoking. I am a "vaccinator." I was raised by a narristic father and vaccinating is a way of building your tolerance to hurt ...but also sharpens your ability to hurt. In small increments... you don't want it around you all the time.
Great poem When talking of discrimination, I couldn't help thinking of Dr. Seuss's Sneetches...the yellow birdlike creatures- some having a green star on their stomachs. I haven't read much Jung, but for me a great book on the shadow self is by Debbie Ford called The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.
You have explained what I have suspected. Him and I have something in common in a weird way. We don't look alike, he has nothing, I have my own home etc. he is stingy, I am generous. But still there seems to me an odd attraction to one another. I don't like the thought that I am like him in some ways but this thought has been in my head for a few years. Also I have some masculine traits as I had to fend for myself. He on the other hand I can see feminine traits as he turns his close friends into slaves.
I was attracted to him because I saw some of myself in him. Part of me wants to be an irresponsible jerk. Instead I got trapped in a responsible job and decided my dreams were ridiculous. He doesn't have those lofty aspirations, but he would be more free to explore them if he did. I'm a coward compared to him. So I say. He fascinates me. He fantasizes about things he will never have. If I had dropped everything to pursue my dreams would I have ended up like a deluded fool who didn't know when to quit? I go back and forth with this. I'm writing songs about it. Short stories...
You always provoke me, Professor Vaknin. Much of my childbeing told “you need to be more like …” More like a narcisist. I found myself dispising the advice. I like the poem.
Professor Vaknin thank you for your raw and uncut academic truth. When you gave your warning it didn't phase me one bit. I masochistically chose to proceed, and my mind went wild many times as I pause this video to think on concepts you presented last night and I reached a beautiful conclusion that has helped me accept and love my self states.Here's what I said to my father that also is just like me. Now I do see this may not last but I desire to repeat this process into permanency. Awareness Good morning Dad here's something beautiful that came to me. Awareness when it takes us to a beautiful understanding, a place beyond the pain that allows us to see the beauty in others can be a gift or a curse. Awareness can free us but also expose us to our deepest pain. Some gain awareness forcibly, some with the guidance of others and some through tenacity, courage and refusing to give up. Awareness isn't a plateau like some believe reaching happiness is. Awareness with a beautiful form of acceptance is a responsibility to maintain and keep and just like a father that raises his son, a person if they gain awareness can raise the awareness into a higher place free from the painful side of it. Once a person has awareness he has a responsibility to himself and others to carefully share that information. Taking someone to a end conclusion forcibly without the lessons in between and loving guiding hand is probably where the idea of knowledge is power comes from. Awareness can show us where the phrase knowledge is power is actually is a misleading statement. To have power and to internalize being powerful actually reveals how powerless we are. And when we get caught up in polar opposites like things being real or not like love for example, then the possibility to truly love goes down. To truly love myself and others I feel, the focus of someone's love being real or not pushes us to their opposites. If something is real then we begin to see what isn't real. What matters most is if love is real to you in your heart. Even if a person lives in a dream, what we experience in dreams can be indistinguishable to being awake and vice versa. To let go of the idea and accept that to me even if I became something I wasn't to survive and it died and could no longer carry me, the love I felt there was real to me. That's the most important part of loving people. Do healthy people truly know the weight of what what love is? How can they if they've never had it, if it wasn't real to them and have lived without the extremes of abuse and suffering?Because in our waking dreams our love is alive. Separating opposites like this might be a core reason behind why we truly don't heal and move on. Without this our pain continually gets passed down from generation to generation until someone like you gives his hopes and dreams to his child and that child finds the answers his father or mother couldn't. Maybe this is what it means to have hope, to be a parent and a adult with painful truths. My Dad was abused like me abandoned truly by his own mother only to fall in love after immense pain in his teenage years. My mother is a narcissist and despite how much I came running to him telling him mom was abusing me he silently went to his room, most likely he was feeling what he couldn't accept about himself, his son that made him cry like a child and felt unconditional love for the first time. Had my father released or let this truth to break his shared fantasy or dream I would have become something on the malignant andextreme end of cluster b. I don't know much but like you said if we reframe personality disorders as a a condition of creativity then who's to say people like me can't contribute to others finding a way out of this with a beautiful understanding. We may still hurt and we may not heal by definition, but we still have memories. When I began to accept the truth and try to find a truth grounded in reality one repressed memory came out after another. My deepest pain is still there and for now while my Dad has liver cancer I choose to carry his hopes and answes he couldn't find. Since then I have been talking to my self states and many times when I speak with a loving manner I get get a outcome that allows me to function at a higher capacity it has worked. After the self love to my states my dyslexia goes away the majority of the time and my memory capacity exceeded what I had in the past. Last night I cried so much talking to my self states and said you've all done so well taking me to this point, it's okay, I won't leave you, you'll always be with me and maybe one day we'll become one, it's okay to feel what you did you feelings are valid, thank you and I love you all. Acknowledging the parts that split and take over has given me a lot more control when I lose myself in pain. I hope yourself and others in this community found this useful. I'm thankful for the narcissists that hurt me because the things they wished the did they did or said I wasn't I used to drive myself to learn and become. Maybe I'm not whole and that's okay, but there are many memories that I can use to pick as what I want to be today. If a NPD can rewrite my own truths and feelings on those experiences then today I choose to do that for myself. My hope and goal is to use what I've learned with discretion. Of course you're posting videos and none of us are present to hold your dark, charming and all knowing hand but what you say for me I can use to grow without a dialogue with another person. I can't accomplish everything on my own but where I'm at now requires me to learn truths, alone, in silence and isolated. Today with what you've given me and others I can say that when I wished others to understand who I was, I actually wanted someone to say it's okay, I love you and save me or heal me. But when I understand what makes me who I am and accept it I don't have a desire to prove anything out of anger the way I was as a child. Yes part of that still exists but it's diminishing slowly as I grow. As you chose to give yourself and insights to the world as a pioneer I've always wished to be the same. To have a dream, a burning desire to create a gift for the world and maybe to be in a fantasy aren't the same thing. The fantasy is the one of the great abilities of the human mind. If we heal and see our fantasies and dreams then maybe, if we've lost the border between the conscious and subciously mind, it's possibly that our own mental war on terror can have a new border, the last line of defense and that is to quest to establish into permanency our own boundaries.. Someone who you've impacted one day will break the statistics and you work will have not been in vain. Thank you for what you've been through Professor.
Noooooo Proff..i dont ENVYYYYY him at all..no wayyyyy..he is the one who was too GREEDYYYYY..too VINDICTIVEEEE..too OBSESSSSSS with himself..his ENVY is on my ACHIEVEMMENT..my COURAGE..my PRIDE..my SELF CONFIDENCE.. my SELF ESTEEM and to mostttt of my INTELLIGENCE friends..eachhhh time he wont like to LISTEN to my BEAUTIFUL DAYSSSS..iits like i can feel his JELOUSYYYYY firinggggg..not HAPPY for me..he CANT be because he is too VINDICTIVE of me..thank u..😊😅😂😊😊😊
Through this I got to know the shadow of me and my darkside. And if I get back my energy, He will notice what he learned me through it. He is not prepared for the product of my tansformstion. I am more the narcisst then he is - because I am so not impressed with feelings anymore😁and it is somehow not „normal“ but I am just happy for this lesson! And now I just have to show him who he is messing with. I have lost everything and I am not impressed about even getting knocked out because Now would need it to crush him. So this is dangours😇 and hell yes! He made me somehow like a psychopath and definitely a narcissist but I did not notice till watching 3 hours of your videos that He is nothing like me now in narcisstic personality. And no its not stupid, I just am cold and This is Great - Now I just am able to stop it and think without emotion and just getting my goal
Hi, I believe the existence of dark side and role it played in attracting Narcissist, but I do believe that I am ethical, sensitive, person who learns from his experience, mistakes and aware of impact of his behavior on others. My question is, where do I stand now? What do I deserve now? Will I ever be able to leave all Narcissists (in personal & professional life) from my life? Will I ever be able to live free from Narcissist people around me? Can anyone answer this?
Professor, Doesn’t the MMPI expose some of the otherwise unexposed self? Isn’t it remotely concievable that an AI could learn to significantly discover a character exposing algorithm?
Question, if a narcissist doesn’t have a self then he doesn’t have a super ego to launch reminders of our values. In that light how can a person with a self be narcissistic if they are reminded by there ego and super ego? Wouldn’t the narcissistic behaviors come from a health I’d?
I don’t understand so if u act someway, u actual are the opposite? What about those people acting very narcissistic, so they actual aren’t narcissists? Bc u said majority of empaths are covert narcissists!! But there are still some of them are truly empaths. so how to tell!
Sam Vaknin sorry professor I asked this superficial question when I only finished 1/3 of this video. I asked it bc I felt so confused at that point and I couldn’t help to ask...now that I’m listening to the remaining part..I think I have to first understand what projection is...it’s a hard concept for me. I heard this word and the explanation of this word thousands time. I can relate to my projection sometimes, mostly good parts, but I can’t fully understand other people’s projecting bad qualities into others...I will study ur videos thoroughly in future
I kinda loved the similarities! Who else would have go and see Bruegel with me? ✨Thank you for your lectures. The hardest part still is to accept narcissist part in me although I hope I’m as honest as I can with myself and I really do not like (to put it as British understatement) some things I see 🤷♀️ just try to treat them with kindness. The rigidness can feck off 🤭
Hello, Dr. Vaknin. In some of your videos you define psychopats as a sort of "extreme narcisists". From a psychoanalytic point of view, what would the diference be between these malignant narcisists/psychopats and perverse subjects? ("Perverse subjects enact what neurotics repress", sounds pretty similar to what you pose at the beginning of this video) Your work is very interesting and enlightening, even within the scope of forensic psychology. Regards from Mx.
I hope I´m still allowed to listen to your explanations in English and not look up the original writings about Reaktions Bildung in German. XD Actually I think there is a reason why I prefer to watch English speaking channels, besides all the obvious reasons like there is only one original Professor Vaknin, or for other topics like my colour or style analysis stuff the reason that there is so much more content that I can choose from. Or, that I constantly train my English skills. This all might be true, but I can´t listen to German music eg, too. It sounds aweful to me, I hate it! And this has definitely to do with my own inferior feeling within my country and the conviction that most german music sounds like Nazi-music. When I realized that this is what I really feel, I couldn´t believe myself first. But this must be a weird mindboggling outcome of being me. XD The only time that I really shocked and surprised myself by acting on this reaction formation urge was when I was very young, between 5 and ten maybe? I looved that my aunt who became the only teacher in my family (for German and Education in a Gesamtschule) would read stories for me and my brother on cassettes. Short children stories, but also a complete version of "the little witch" by Preußler, das Urmel, the first chapters of the Hobbit etc. And then she got pregnant and I wasn´t allowed to tell her how much I missed her. And I´m crying while I´m writing this down. So when I saw her I spat out, everyone knows that we never liked each other. I said "verstanden haben" like in understood, I guess that word has even some kind of dual meaning. I never noticed that until now, the dual meaning, but I think that shows how important she was for my whole life, my whole world. I taught myself to read at the end of kindergarten and noone ever understood what it meant to me.
Dr Vaknin, could you please consider doing some videos on your views on the Dark Tetrad? Particularly with regards to Sadism and how that acts symbiotically with Narcissism, Psychopathy/ASPD and Megalomania? I'd personally appreciate your expert views on this for educational purposes.
I am not ashamed about my dark side. And I thaught the narcissists in my live were not ashamed either about theirs. I Don t want to be caught. And the strange behavior is the result of not wanting to be caught. Because if we could get through with all the things we did we would keep going. What stops us or what makes us hide the things we do is not the shame it is the consequences.
Yours is a popular view. It is why I thank God we have police and courts and prisons. Those who do not accurately assess the "consequences" of acting against other people's interest should serve as examples for those who think this way. As it is today, they end up in prison, or the corporate board room, or the White House.
@@MarioVa13 Thanks for the reply. I think "dark" does necessarily mean "against other people's interest" unless you include some rare form of isolated self destruction. And even then, for some reason, our society has a basic belief that even that somehow damages others. Please give some examples of how you are using the term "dark" that is not against other's interest. Thank you in advance for your time.
@@richardhill8786 As you mentioned it. I was thinking of self destructive behavior, substance abuse of all kinds - Including perverted forms of sex live. Perversion - as Jaggi Vasudev describes it: Harmful, because sexuality becomes a function of the mind instead of a function of the body. When pleasure seeking enters the mind it becomes addictive and destructive.
@@MarioVa13 This discussion reminds me of one of the teachings of our monastery. "God will never bless just one person, and man CAN never hurt just one." Letting the religious part sit, in 28 years of counselling I have never seen a person self harm that didn't harm others too. And indulging "dark" thoughts have been shown in recent research to breed more depression and self hate. Being part of something positive that is bigger than ourselves breeds "life and life more abundant." I wouldn't put up with all the crap I get from other Christians if it weren't true for me. What's it cost to try? Best wishes and better tomorrows.
Hello, I would have a question regarding the latency needed to transition from speaking a foreign language to one's mother tongue. Do you think one needs to implicitly develop a persona, or to use projection in order to learn and speak another language ( including the existence of differences of behaviour of one speaking z. B. German in Germany versus speaking German in one's native country)? Thank you for the clarity of presentation, I found this very helpful.
I love it when you reference German vocabulary, Prof. Vaknin. Your erudite and humorous style is always very insightful and jolly to listen to. 😙🙇🏻♂️ It would be very cool if you would also make videos on art history or analyze movies/literature and that sort of thing. Kind regards. 👋
@@ughyododis3444 - I study Sam's videos. I often get several behind, or have to "hurry" to watch the next one. I read his books. He has answered some of my questions in the comments and I honor his time by then researching what he says. I always study the comments, and sometimes restudy them. All this amid several other full time research projects. I go back sometimes years on his videos to follow a teaching. That's why I'm "late" in answering. If your question was about my comment about you, then I would think that your question would be on the "too" and not the "late". Ha ha. Best wishes and better tomorrows.
Wouldn't you say that wokeism and virtue signalling is a reaction formation? As in however anti-racist or anti-sexist you make yourself appear correlates to your own suppressed racist and sexist urges, for example. i.e. Wokeism is a cultural neurosis.
My narcissist definitely unlocked my own suppressed narcissism. I admired his ability to detach and mortify. I imitated some of his hot/cold methods in my relationships afterwards. I enjoyed the semblance of power it gave me. I'm in my mid 30s now and have been in therapy. At the end of the day I want to succeed in life and the more engrained those narcissistic behaviours become, the less functional l am.
He’s like a Mercedes that told you everything you need to know! 😘😍🧟♀️
I realize I'm kinda off topic but do anybody know of a good website to stream new movies online?
It’s great you have such insight into yourself 🥰
I know exactly how you feel…
My ex narc called me a clown (when i tried to show him intimacy), a retard ( because his friends liked me), and cold-hearted (out of the blue and for no reason). When we broke up he called me a narcissist before he blocked me on social media. 😂😂 i'm thinking what in the hell just happened...
The narcissist envies me...hates me because i am better than them. They hate to see the good in me..they want to eliminate the good in me. They cannot be good like me. There will never be as good as me.
That sounds narcissistic 😁
@@karlopetrovic3733 ...and it WOULD sound like that to a narcissist. Narcissist cannot be good and they dont even understand what good is, even if you explained it to them.
@jwcobar ....😆
... and you want’s to eliminate the badness in him/her, just because you hate that part in yourself ( you trying denial your own shadow )
The truth is you running away from yourself like narcissist do.
Narcissistic ppl provided me with so much perspective that I badly needed to grow into a better human being.
They are my best teachers...
and...
I’m thankful for all the lessons. 🤍
@@elizabetho6604 A wise person, an informed person knows that the evil that lies within a narcissist cannot be eliminated..any attempt is futile and can be damaging in every way..physically, mentally, financially and spiritually. Yes, yes, yes...RUN away from the narcissist as fast as you can. The only way i see the 'bad' in me is if i look within and eliminate it myself. Therefore, 'good' restores and prevails, therefore, i WIN..and the narcissist loses. He loses me.
Agreed, anyone who makes a big deal out of being empathetic is usually narcissistic, they always act like no one can feel for others as much as they do which in itself I think is narcissistic
There are dark empaths, they are able to feel your weaknesses and use them to their advantage.
You just described my mother 🤣
When you grow up with narcissism you can develop narcissism
We all have narcissistic traits. The degrees vary.
Agreed
I don't believe in empath. There is no such thing. I believe there are people who are just wise and walk away however, that devil possessed 47 year old child pulled my ponytails one too many times and I turned into a wolf with glaring red eyes and if you so much as disrespect me - I am done! Done! Done! This whole experience been revolutionary for me and I love it. I feel empowered. Strong. So yes, I am not an empath. I took a chance in love and it didn't work out but I am not about to mope around because of it. I have a life to live.
Lovely
Yes yes yes. Thank you. I have since integrated my shadow. This is what healing looks like.
The perceived lack of consequences Narcissists face is what I envy. I yearn to be relieved of the pain of enmeshment. Yet my commitment to the fullness of my humanity disavows me my own consequences. My rage is simply my muse now. Alot of creativity emerges when I acknowledge it. LOVED your poem. I'd say it was brilliant but that contradicts it's meaning. Ha!
Prof. Vaknin - I do agree i was connected by my 'dark side' to NPD person (i think i admired confidence, power, social 'skills' (manipulative ones in fact)) - however i still consider myself as healthy person - i have good side and traits and, apparently, i have also proclivity for evil via my dark traits (how i 'wish' to be: cold; in control of others etc.). The reason i still consider myself as mentally healthy is i can choose to act out in good or evil manner, it's consious. For example even if i'm tempted to lie to make things 'simplier for myself' or i do know i could cheat and pretend it didn't happened - i do not act in this direction as this inevitable does brings more evil to the world and destruction to other person in relation. I can be on spectrum for sure, but real NPD i had relation with, has actively embraised dark side without recognition of doing 'bad' (deluded to do 'good' in order to 'protect' others; (BTW. as i investigated, probably never been mortified before)) and actually lied and cheated with extreme gas lightening and self-delusion.
I'd appreciate Your comment on this - does having proclivity to wrongdoings via dark side (we all are humans, right? :)) but not commiting evil in reality (lies, cheat etc.) makes the distinction between healthy self-aware person that knows that IS ABLE TO do wrong vs. actually NPD who seems like unable to make any concious decision but doing evil all time?
Mentally healthy people: 1. Control their impulses; 2.Are aware of the consequences of their actions; 3. Choose always to minimize harm to others and to themselves (self-love and empathy).
@@samvaknin many thanks Profesor for answering my question. The difference is in actual actions. Have a gr8 day! Havent expected You would answer to old video, for me the recognition, confrontation and mortification of NPD i was in relation with is so fresh. Your knowledge helps a lot, kudos! 😁
I arrived to this conclusion even when my fluffy ego resisted. Have to say that this acknowledgment was precisely what brought me release, embracing it fully. Now I will continue watching. Thank you, Herr Doktor, this is a gem, a black one but a gem.
I'm also happy, to find one gem after another watching the vids of Herrn Vaknin!
There seem to be so many levels. It is not the Narcissist that disgusts me, it is the destruction they leave in their wake.
true
i have to agree , before i speak i wish to let u know i had no knowledge that i have gained in past 2 months, however i am astounded by how much i did actualy identify as to what was hapening not only around me but also within me , yes i was out of my depth for sure but as i have now learned that many of my actions which brought about my diguard were actualy exactly what i needed to do to extracate my self from a situation that had become intolarable , my point is ware did the wisdom or knowledge come from ? it had to of come from within , this video certainly resinates with me , and no i do not wish her harm shes doing that all by my self and she has unwittingly propeled me on a path of discovery that im realy excited about with a healthy dose of intrepidadion too as i move clumsily being a carpenter and not a schollar inhibited a little by my age 64 , towards dicovering my contibition to this mess , thank you
Etablera also leave massive destruction, lets stop being victims🧚♀️💕🍄⚜️
This is why it is so incredibly painful and confusing to be an identical twin in a narcissistic family. I am now trying to be no contact. But, my twin is in constant victim mode and our parent constantly tries to pull me into it. I have been the rescuer while pronounced the oppressor for decades. Thanks to Sam Vaknin, I’m understanding more and getting out. But, I question how to deal with my own issues, wonder who I am, and think of my twin daily, cry over their situation and their pain, cry over my pain, and feel guilt, anger, loss, hope, and so much more. I don’t understand why I can’t find any research on this unique and terrifying relationship of narcissism between identical twins in a narcissistic family. This video highlights it. You can,t be any closer to clones than being an identical twin. Talk about confusing projections and the need to feel unique. I have always felt I was just me, but know it is a crazy thing that I feel both totally different than my twin, while knowing we are also identical in many ways, which I feel is probably not a good thing a lot of times. My spouse thinks we are more different than alike.
My twin tries to force me to comply with their beliefs and needs and conduct. Then they are aggressive, hateful, hostile, and create eternal grudges over tiny little things, and more. They are forever offended, even though I have rarely seen or interacted with them. They devalue me, trash me, and destroy me mentally. Though I don’t behave that way or talk to them badly, my feelings about them fluctuate wildly. After watching this, I feel even more confused about what I am and how to be healthy.
Wow, that really sounds like a difficult situation. Somehow, your toxic parents created a division between you and your twin - something that's very unusual. The person who should have been your lifelong best friend is turned against you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so like a narcissist to change everything around in the family for their own benefit and take away from someone else what should be theirs - causing great pain and isolation (in the family) for that person. I hope you find good friends and a new family elsewhere with non-narcissistic people. You deserve good friends and family. Remember that this does not mean anything bad about you - it's the narcissist who is the problem.
it's true we first admire them , are drawn to them , they seem confident , secure , like they know what they are doing but many don't or it doesn't include you .I have never hated the Narc, my experiences haven't been too damaging as I am pretty suspicious and strong willed . I tried to understand , have compassion , unlock the mystery of these encounters and reoccurring themes , ( there have been several in my life and I have to agree it, NPD and or Narcissism are becoming systemic ) and have learned much in the process as I have by listening to your tutorials , which really see the BIG multidimensional picture .
I tend to be attracted to those who exhibit traits of my dark side which I hesitate to express or acknowledge openly. My ex was the yin to my yang, he was what I couldn't allow myself to be. I loved him even though he could be terrible, because I saw some of myself deep within him. He often projected his faults onto me and I recognized it as such. It was a strange symbiosis.
Before no contact was mutually initiated, I had developed the traits he often accused me of whenever I put him on the defensive. I don't think I express myself as the same person I was before I met him, but I believe it is my dark side manifest - everything I didn't think I could be has been brought to the surface so that I might examine it.
I don't think this would have happened had I never met him. Deep down I still love him because of how similar I believe we are.
100 correct, back in the day these subhumans were called Black and White Elfs...Live Fae or Die🧚♀️💕🍄⚜️
This video just started a revolution inside my understanding of my Self. Filled it out, for a minute at least, as I'm sure I'll eradicate any awareness of these aspects of myself in the time it takes to close my laptop, get dressed, and leave for work. I hope not though because this feels so much more realistic, much more empathetic actually. Shallow dualistic instincts take another blow.
You dont want to be nothing like the narc ever, I think in a way you may start thinking like them because their manipulative hurtfull tormentful it rubs off on you, your so used to it, so argue back with them but only them, but you get hurt because their master manipulators, because you got to survive too, use some of their vile words back to them, just like they hurt you, belive me it hurts them because they don't forget so bring it up, I would say sometimes I'd be envious but he would be envious more because he would show it he would act out, you don't care what you say to the narcissist in the end you learn their behaviours. It can't be helped. Yes he had two personalitys a charming nice helpfull one and the vile nasty bully.
I actually liked your poem very much..... to me, narcissists are like that car accident on the road that you just HAVE to rubberneck and see! They’re like the murder mysteries on tv that we also like to watch cuz it peaks our curiosity. But we’d never allow ourselves to stoop to their level of evil tendencies !
Your poem made a lot of sense!
I experienced what you talked of, seeing myself in the other, he sent me a photograph of himself and upon seeing it I felt so strongly that the image I was seeing was myself that I asked my housemate if it was me. truly bizarre
Just to add an information on the ancient Greek word "empathy" which has been mistranslated and therefore misused vastly. Empathy (Εμπάθεια) means exactly the opposite of how it has been interpreted worldwide i.e. when you use it even now in modern Greek it implies very strong negative feelings of animosity, aversion and hatred towards someone and NOT the positive feelings of affinity and compassion. So in a way it is close to the term Empaths as you unveil it. Saying so I want to express my appreciation, even an awe for the fascinating and reality seeking work you have done and you are producing in the field of psychology, its high quality, the insight, the sharing and the references in art, poetry and other scholars' work that you bring forth.
It was a mistranslation of the German word Einfuhlung. Thank you for you added info.
I must confess that what is said in this video is apsolutely right!
My female narc brought out the devil in me (as we all have inside of us that good and bad side) that I very much for all of my life have been ignoring it!
She knew darn well from the beginning that I was a cheat during our dating and acted too polite, too nice for my own good never wanting her to find out about my past life (before I met her) and my own dirty deeds and when she came it was like an immediate opening as you say of a Pandora box (on the inside I was denying my true reactions to her seduction, mind-fuck, games, questions not being myself trully) and delivering answers of such kind destined to be liked by her!
I considered myself throughout my life as a depressive, lonely guy, never having a girlfriend, a job, friends (Peter Pan syndrome) who only got away in his 30 years of life through schemes, lies, deceit and manipulation (extracting money from other people, using than ditching other people like yesterday's paper, kicking my own mother out of my apartment) and that along with many other things I have hidden from my narc who was very open about her life and she could sense that something was wrong with me!
You can guess what route she took in her approach with me: everything I have done to many other people (friends, mom, sisters, colleagues that I have supressed within me wanting to leave the best impression on her) she did it to me!
Like a cruel lesson for me to learn of my own dysfunctional and destructive behaviour.
I never acknowledged of such things within me trully and obviously liked it within her because she represented that dark side of me, the unconscious that I've been denying within me almost all my life!
The way I raged at what she did to me (after I realised the whole thing after she discarded me) definetely sets me to be a covert narcissist who falsely deludes himself to be a empath just because during one period of my life I was an honorable member of one church organisation... honorable until I went cheating and manipulating loads of folks there for money that once they figured it all out they discarded me, just as my female narc did it to me!
I'm obviously a magnet for narcissists (my mom is one) and all my dates/girls I dated were very much damaged and hard to give love.
Only by the last one in my life line (a 20-year old girl that I mention in this writing) I saw of my own contradictional and hypocritical view and dealing with life: it was good to fool so much people in making them think I'm a good guy and once provoked by them it was like "who gives a fuck about you, you're history" and once the female narc fooled me the same way I was so much in tears: "how, I loved her, this can't be, how could she do this to me, I will punish her"!
The starve for vengeance only doubles it all that my narc just mirrored my own problems and that I am like her with one big difference: she basically told me all in my face (subtle signs, indirect, direct) of her narcissism while I ignored her's and very much ignored my own.
A shadow is a fucked up thing to resolve as it's a long way to heal it all, that dark side of ones soul in order to win over a trauma caused by a childhood upbringing (it's like I know it all in theory but in practice I still move away from that part of me)!
Never the less thank you profesor Sam Vaknin for this and all your videos for opening up to the public of such important topics that shape and present ourselfs and our world views and relationships, your work is very much appreciated!
The only thing I was ever envious of was his seemingly unshakable confidence when we 1st met, especially since I had almost none.
So true, so true. Thank you for the insight into my own frailties. After a while like you said Prof Sam, as a partner of a narc you learn to push their buttons and how to manipulate them to try and turn the tables because you cant just end the relationship. In my case there was something I was getting out of the deal such as companionship with a handsome man as well as convenience of the relationship to overcome my loneliness after my husband died. I started using him to justify my feelings of his behaviors. Thank you for calling us out (lol).
I did envy him. But thanks to watching your videos and getting out of this „victim state“ - i realize that I am better then he is! And shit He made me better than he is! I got my dark side. And i learend from the best🤟🏼
You’re amazing and your insight is absolutely correct. I’ve always felt that way myself at least I’m my situation. Got to know who I was while also educating my mind obsessive compulsively. Thank you for words. You’re right spot on.
They will mistreat a subject in order to trigger the shadow side which they see potential there of.
Do you mean "that they sense a potential thereof." ? Sam is clear that this process is not know to the narcissist doing it. Unless the narcissist is a Sam Vaknin, and there are not many of those (one, I think).
Sam (1:23)" He forces people around him, to become him." Well that's my experience. I was mistreated unless I could prove that I can also mistreat others. I couldn't do it, had to get out of the company to go to a better place.
@@musah3619 Interesting. I think Sam teaches that the narcissist does not "see potential" or "force people around him..." in a conscious way. That was my question for you. Did you think it was knowing, planned, intentional in your case?
@@richardhill8786 I see what you mean. According to me, it wasn't intentional, but a natural reaction which is alien to me but normal to them.
@@musah3619 Disturbing "natural reaction which is alien to me but normal to them." One of the best stated "Get the Hell Out" triggers I have ever heard. Well put.
I did admire him, envied him, competed with him...got the kick with it all. Then drowned in his (my own?) trap. As the people pleaser I was due to childhood abuse, he was the power I was not. For a while I wanted hin dead, yes, now I pity him. No resentment left, seing my own patterns, mostly...i hope. My naivety met him, the other side of the spektrum...also my spektrum...and blended i guess i can say. The narcissist is my shadow
side. Thank you so much for this and other videos! Your poem was great, i was moved, did i relate to it thinking of him...or me? Or both? I don't know. 🌹
Hello Sam,
Well if I had the IQ you have, I wouldn’t keep learning the hard way. I was raised to a tender abandonment age 15 - 16 year olds shoved into a survive or die way to experience what I deserved for being (just being was not enough for either parent ). I continued having relationships with men just like my absentee father, claiming to love me only to hurt me an then my children. I wasn’t even aware all my men were on the charts as personality disordered. I kept trying kept on loving big, kept searching for family,love, healing. Long story short.... spent 40 some years with screwed up people. Thought that was the only life I was worthy of. , men only used women so shut up and get over it. All good until my children fell apart.. I left with my kids (1 with me 1 already gone ) when he truth of what drove me to become suicidal. I lived through that by some divine guidance. So now I’m into healing because I now know about What and why these hurtful creatures do to us. Was happy to be alive and now aware of what happened to distort my interpretation of the world. It was all the narcissist, except it wasn’t, I see how I’ve slid into the empath acting all victim and now knowing that’s the fake me. Shit thought I was going to heal grow up an find true root problem so I could teach all the other unaware victims how to escape this hard path of finding out who we are.. counterparts with our Narcissists who said this all along we are just as messed up as they are we just don’t like to be given criticism or put downs
Thank you for sharing this .
Helped me grately.
The poem is the essence of the video
Tbh I always viewed narcissism as a sliding scale I slide up and down as are many of my family, I find no horror in this aspect of myself as knowing it’s there helps me to keep a hold on it as also knowing the other end of the scale the over giver the enabling mother to all I also am now learning to monitor ..
I agree, I figured out a somatic narcissist before he could entrap me, I have strong boundaries which definitely saved me but I still have a dark fascination with him, definitely the dark side of me is so super attracted to him but the light side of me is repulsed, I find myself in a war within myself now, will the light side be stronger than the dark and be able to keep resisting, only time will tell, even though I know what will happen there is still a huge part of me that wants to go there, wants to touch
Life is all about experiences right? 😏
Unfortunately we find ourselves in the Age of Dummies, psychology for dummies, art for dummies, writing for dummies. I can't agree with you more. A lot of art history has gone that way too, as well as art itself. I feel the need to go underground for years, and hope that when I surface this dummie obsession is over.
Wow, this is mind blowing! So the Narcissist is a valuable teacher!
I knew it! We get nothing from killing the messenger, but we better ourselfs from contemplate the horror of our pet cementery and integrate our low umpulses in order to work on them.
Any help on what do we do when we dare to open the Pandora box and see the shamefull desires and uglyness? What do we do once we aknoledge our demons?
Just like someone who can not see the victory in your post, Cris. A stage of getting to the point of self reflection after being abused by a narcissist requires a journey through angry places like the one reflected in Lia'a reply. We are all "self absorbed". Especially the empath.
I can't relate to this one. I don't want to be anything like those who I dislike or did me wrong. And I definitely do not envy them. What's to envy??
Never considered this before but yes, after carefully pondering I would definitely agree. I admit that I admire the effortless seductive control that many Covert Narcissists have over myself and others. In addition, Narcissists give us a peek into what it feels like to be them as they feed us supply when they love bomb us. Being love bombed is indeed an exquisite experience which we greatly miss when it is rescinded. In these aspects as well as several others, we are the same.
I’m at 36min and I can’t stop laughing 😂 The supernova empath part is too funny
Yes😄and Mr.Vaknin needs 5 min to recover from the German language!
It totally got me too 🤣
Ok
Ok
It's what you grow up with... it's what you know!
👏👏👏 You can't provoke me to insanity... I'm already here, lol. Nice video, very informative and thought provoking. I am a "vaccinator." I was raised by a narristic father and vaccinating is a way of building your tolerance to hurt ...but also sharpens your ability to hurt. In small increments... you don't want it around you all the time.
Great poem
When talking of discrimination, I couldn't help thinking of Dr. Seuss's Sneetches...the yellow birdlike creatures- some having a green star on their stomachs.
I haven't read much Jung, but for me a great book on the shadow self is by Debbie Ford called The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.
You have explained what I have suspected. Him and I have something in common in a weird way.
We don't look alike, he has nothing, I have my own home etc. he is stingy, I am generous. But still there seems to me an odd attraction to one another. I don't like the thought that I am like him in some ways but this thought has been in my head for a few years.
Also I have some masculine traits as I had to fend for myself. He on the other hand I can see feminine traits as he turns his close friends into slaves.
Si tu plonges longtemps ton regard dans l’abîme, l’abîme te regarde aussi.
F. Nietzsche
I Love to hear you Talking German! 😂👍
And all of your lectures, too! Please keep going, Mr. Vaknin! 🙏🏻
I was attracted to him because I saw some of myself in him. Part of me wants to be an irresponsible jerk. Instead I got trapped in a responsible job and decided my dreams were ridiculous. He doesn't have those lofty aspirations, but he would be more free to explore them if he did. I'm a coward compared to him. So I say. He fascinates me. He fantasizes about things he will never have. If I had dropped everything to pursue my dreams would I have ended up like a deluded fool who didn't know when to quit? I go back and forth with this. I'm writing songs about it. Short stories...
You always provoke me, Professor Vaknin. Much of my childbeing told “you need to be more like …” More like a narcisist. I found myself dispising the advice. I like the poem.
While the Narc triggers my shadow, he takes power over me, makes me defenceless.
Professor Vaknin thank you for your raw and uncut academic truth. When you gave your warning it didn't phase me one bit. I masochistically chose to proceed, and my mind went wild many times as I pause this video to think on concepts you presented last night and I reached a beautiful conclusion that has helped me accept and love my self states.Here's what I said to my father that also is just like me. Now I do see this may not last but I desire to repeat this process into permanency.
Awareness
Good morning Dad here's something beautiful that came to me.
Awareness when it takes us to a beautiful understanding, a place beyond the pain that allows us to see the beauty in others can be a gift or a curse. Awareness can free us but also expose us to our deepest pain. Some gain awareness forcibly, some with the guidance of others and some through tenacity, courage and refusing to give up. Awareness isn't a plateau like some believe reaching happiness is. Awareness with a beautiful form of acceptance is a responsibility to maintain and keep and just like a father that raises his son, a person if they gain awareness can raise the awareness into a higher place free from the painful side of it. Once a person has awareness he has a responsibility to himself and others to carefully share that information. Taking someone to a end conclusion forcibly without the lessons in between and loving guiding hand is probably where the idea of knowledge is power comes from. Awareness can show us where the phrase knowledge is power is actually is a misleading statement. To have power and to internalize being powerful actually reveals how powerless we are. And when we get caught up in polar opposites like things being real or not like love for example, then the possibility to truly love goes down. To truly love myself and others I feel, the focus of someone's love being real or not pushes us to their opposites. If something is real then we begin to see what isn't real. What matters most is if love is real to you in your heart. Even if a person lives in a dream, what we experience in dreams can be indistinguishable to being awake and vice versa. To let go of the idea and accept that to me even if I became something I wasn't to survive and it died and could no longer carry me, the love I felt there was real to me. That's the most important part of loving people. Do healthy people truly know the weight of what what love is? How can they if they've never had it, if it wasn't real to them and have lived without the extremes of abuse and suffering?Because in our waking dreams our love is alive. Separating opposites like this might be a core reason behind why we truly don't heal and move on. Without this our pain continually gets passed down from generation to generation until someone like you gives his hopes and dreams to his child and that child finds the answers his father or mother couldn't. Maybe this is what it means to have hope, to be a parent and a adult with painful truths.
My Dad was abused like me abandoned truly by his own mother only to fall in love after immense pain in his teenage years. My mother is a narcissist and despite how much I came running to him telling him mom was abusing me he silently went to his room, most likely he was feeling what he couldn't accept about himself, his son that made him cry like a child and felt unconditional love for the first time. Had my father released or let this truth to break his shared fantasy or dream I would have become something on the malignant andextreme end of cluster b. I don't know much but like you said if we reframe personality disorders as a a condition of creativity then who's to say people like me can't contribute to others finding a way out of this with a beautiful understanding. We may still hurt and we may not heal by definition, but we still have memories. When I began to accept the truth and try to find a truth grounded in reality one repressed memory came out after another. My deepest pain is still there and for now while my Dad has liver cancer I choose to carry his hopes and answes he couldn't find. Since then I have been talking to my self states and many times when I speak with a loving manner I get get a outcome that allows me to function at a higher capacity it has worked. After the self love to my states my dyslexia goes away the majority of the time and my memory capacity exceeded what I had in the past. Last night I cried so much talking to my self states and said you've all done so well taking me to this point, it's okay, I won't leave you, you'll always be with me and maybe one day we'll become one, it's okay to feel what you did you feelings are valid, thank you and I love you all. Acknowledging the parts that split and take over has given me a lot more control when I lose myself in pain. I hope yourself and others in this community found this useful. I'm thankful for the narcissists that hurt me because the things they wished the did they did or said I wasn't I used to drive myself to learn and become. Maybe I'm not whole and that's okay, but there are many memories that I can use to pick as what I want to be today. If a NPD can rewrite my own truths and feelings on those experiences then today I choose to do that for myself. My hope and goal is to use what I've learned with discretion. Of course you're posting videos and none of us are present to hold your dark, charming and all knowing hand but what you say for me I can use to grow without a dialogue with another person. I can't accomplish everything on my own but where I'm at now requires me to learn truths, alone, in silence and isolated. Today with what you've given me and others I can say that when I wished others to understand who I was, I actually wanted someone to say it's okay, I love you and save me or heal me. But when I understand what makes me who I am and accept it I don't have a desire to prove anything out of anger the way I was as a child. Yes part of that still exists but it's diminishing slowly as I grow. As you chose to give yourself and insights to the world as a pioneer I've always wished to be the same. To have a dream, a burning desire to create a gift for the world and maybe to be in a fantasy aren't the same thing. The fantasy is the one of the great abilities of the human mind. If we heal and see our fantasies and dreams then maybe, if we've lost the border between the conscious and subciously mind, it's possibly that our own mental war on terror can have a new border, the last line of defense and that is to quest to establish into permanency our own boundaries.. Someone who you've impacted one day will break the statistics and you work will have not been in vain. Thank you for what you've been through Professor.
Noooooo Proff..i dont ENVYYYYY him at all..no wayyyyy..he is the one who was too GREEDYYYYY..too VINDICTIVEEEE..too OBSESSSSSS with himself..his ENVY is on my ACHIEVEMMENT..my COURAGE..my PRIDE..my SELF CONFIDENCE..
my SELF ESTEEM and to mostttt of my INTELLIGENCE friends..eachhhh time he wont like to LISTEN to my BEAUTIFUL DAYSSSS..iits like i can feel his JELOUSYYYYY firinggggg..not HAPPY for me..he CANT be because he is too VINDICTIVE of me..thank u..😊😅😂😊😊😊
Through this I got to know the shadow of me and my darkside. And if I get back my energy, He will notice what he learned me through it. He is not prepared for the product of my tansformstion. I am more the narcisst then he is - because I am so not impressed with feelings anymore😁and it is somehow not „normal“ but I am just happy for this lesson! And now I just have to show him who he is messing with. I have lost everything and I am not impressed about even getting knocked out because Now would need it to crush him. So this is dangours😇 and hell yes! He made me somehow like a psychopath and definitely a narcissist but I did not notice till watching 3 hours of your videos that He is nothing like me now in narcisstic personality. And no its not stupid, I just am cold and This is Great -
Now I just am able to stop it and think without emotion and just getting my goal
Hi, I believe the existence of dark side and role it played in attracting Narcissist, but I do believe that I am ethical, sensitive, person who learns from his experience, mistakes and aware of impact of his behavior on others. My question is, where do I stand now? What do I deserve now? Will I ever be able to leave all Narcissists (in personal & professional life) from my life? Will I ever be able to live free from Narcissist people around me? Can anyone answer this?
Professor, Doesn’t the MMPI expose some of the otherwise unexposed self? Isn’t it remotely concievable that an AI could learn to significantly discover a character exposing algorithm?
Question, if a narcissist doesn’t have a self then he doesn’t have a super ego to launch reminders of our values. In that light how can a person with a self be narcissistic if they are reminded by there ego and super ego? Wouldn’t the narcissistic behaviors come from a health I’d?
Sam, or anyone, do you have a link to the IG account of the person mentioned at the beginning? I can't find it.
instagram.com/teasingkafka
It seems the page no longer exists. or maybe they changed the name.
I don’t understand so if u act someway, u actual are the opposite? What about those people acting very narcissistic, so they actual aren’t narcissists? Bc u said majority of empaths are covert narcissists!! But there are still some of them are truly empaths. so how to tell!
Why not do your homework and search this channel before you bother everyone with your comments?
Sam Vaknin sorry professor I asked this superficial question when I only finished 1/3 of this video. I asked it bc I felt so confused at that point and I couldn’t help to ask...now that I’m listening to the remaining part..I think I have to first understand what projection is...it’s a hard concept for me. I heard this word and the explanation of this word thousands time. I can relate to my projection sometimes, mostly good parts, but I can’t fully understand other people’s projecting bad qualities into others...I will study ur videos thoroughly in future
I kinda loved the similarities! Who else would have go and see Bruegel with me? ✨Thank you for your lectures. The hardest part still is to accept narcissist part in me although I hope I’m as honest as I can with myself and I really do not like (to put it as British understatement) some things I see 🤷♀️ just try to treat them with kindness. The rigidness can feck off 🤭
sometimes opposite sides of same coin...different faces but basically made of the same material?
Hello, Dr. Vaknin.
In some of your videos you define psychopats as a sort of "extreme narcisists". From a psychoanalytic point of view, what would the diference be between these malignant narcisists/psychopats and perverse subjects?
("Perverse subjects enact what neurotics repress", sounds pretty similar to what you pose at the beginning of this video)
Your work is very interesting and enlightening, even within the scope of forensic psychology.
Regards from Mx.
Im writing from México.
Neuroses and "perversions" have gone out of fashion decades ago in modern psychology.
I promise myself to become narcissistic cuz truly I let down all my life I hate ppl so much they're doesn't deserve any empathy
Prof Vaknin i thank you for all your videos
I hope I´m still allowed to listen to your explanations in English and not look up the original writings about Reaktions Bildung in German. XD
Actually I think there is a reason why I prefer to watch English speaking channels, besides all the obvious reasons like there is only one original Professor Vaknin, or for other topics like my colour or style analysis stuff the reason that there is so much more content that I can choose from. Or, that I constantly train my English skills.
This all might be true, but I can´t listen to German music eg, too. It sounds aweful to me, I hate it! And this has definitely to do with my own inferior feeling within my country and the conviction that most german music sounds like Nazi-music. When I realized that this is what I really feel, I couldn´t believe myself first. But this must be a weird mindboggling outcome of being me. XD
The only time that I really shocked and surprised myself by acting on this reaction formation urge was when I was very young, between 5 and ten maybe? I looved that my aunt who became the only teacher in my family (for German and Education in a Gesamtschule) would read stories for me and my brother on cassettes. Short children stories, but also a complete version of "the little witch" by Preußler, das Urmel, the first chapters of the Hobbit etc.
And then she got pregnant and I wasn´t allowed to tell her how much I missed her. And I´m crying while I´m writing this down.
So when I saw her I spat out, everyone knows that we never liked each other. I said "verstanden haben" like in understood, I guess that word has even some kind of dual meaning. I never noticed that until now, the dual meaning, but I think that shows how important she was for my whole life, my whole world. I taught myself to read at the end of kindergarten and noone ever understood what it meant to me.
Dr Vaknin, could you please consider doing some videos on your views on the Dark Tetrad? Particularly with regards to Sadism and how that acts symbiotically with Narcissism, Psychopathy/ASPD and Megalomania? I'd personally appreciate your expert views on this for educational purposes.
What do you think about Lacanian school?
For me it has been a no end path, or a path without any direction or link to reality. Thanks
I agree. Typically French.
The great Erika Jong had a book" Fear of flying". She had rhat idea,:"women love the fashist "
I am not ashamed about my dark side. And I thaught the narcissists in my live were not ashamed either about theirs. I Don t want to be caught. And the strange behavior is the result of not wanting to be caught. Because if we could get through with all the things we did we would keep going. What stops us or what makes us hide the things we do is not the shame it is the consequences.
Yours is a popular view. It is why I thank God we have police and courts and prisons. Those who do not accurately assess the "consequences" of acting against other people's interest should serve as examples for those who think this way. As it is today, they end up in prison, or the corporate board room, or the White House.
@@richardhill8786 "dark" does not necessarily mean "against other people's interests" - other than that I can relate a 100% to your statement.
@@MarioVa13 Thanks for the reply. I think "dark" does necessarily mean "against other people's interest" unless you include some rare form of isolated self destruction. And even then, for some reason, our society has a basic belief that even that somehow damages others. Please give some examples of how you are using the term "dark" that is not against other's interest. Thank you in advance for your time.
@@richardhill8786 As you mentioned it. I was thinking of self destructive behavior, substance abuse of all kinds - Including perverted forms of sex live. Perversion - as Jaggi Vasudev describes it: Harmful, because sexuality becomes a function of the mind instead of a function of the body. When pleasure seeking enters the mind it becomes addictive and destructive.
@@MarioVa13 This discussion reminds me of one of the teachings of our monastery. "God will never bless just one person, and man CAN never hurt just one." Letting the religious part sit, in 28 years of counselling I have never seen a person self harm that didn't harm others too. And indulging "dark" thoughts have been shown in recent research to breed more depression and self hate. Being part of something positive that is bigger than ourselves breeds "life and life more abundant." I wouldn't put up with all the crap I get from other Christians if it weren't true for me. What's it cost to try? Best wishes and better tomorrows.
Where is this Instagram account he talks about at the beginning? I haven’t been able to find it 🧐
How would life be in the world if all of us were narcissists
Brilliant !!
I watch your videos to learn how to be more successful. Narcissists are winning✅🤣
This is so thru!
Hello,
I would have a question regarding the latency needed to transition from speaking a foreign language to one's mother tongue. Do you think one needs to implicitly develop a persona, or to use projection in order to learn and speak another language ( including the existence of differences of behaviour of one speaking z. B. German in Germany versus speaking German in one's native country)?
Thank you for the clarity of presentation, I found this very helpful.
I fail to see the connection. Why would you need to behave differently in another language?
Love your humour :)))
thank you
I love it when you reference German vocabulary, Prof. Vaknin. Your erudite and humorous style is always very insightful and jolly to listen to. 😙🙇🏻♂️
It would be very cool if you would also make videos on art history or analyze movies/literature and that sort of thing.
Kind regards. 👋
I'd be so flattered to be considered the polar opposite of Jordan Peterson!😂
I dont want to become a narcissist, i want to become a Machiavellian .
Too late.
@@richardhill8786 why late?
@@ughyododis3444 - I study Sam's videos. I often get several behind, or have to "hurry" to watch the next one. I read his books. He has answered some of my questions in the comments and I honor his time by then researching what he says. I always study the comments, and sometimes restudy them. All this amid several other full time research projects. I go back sometimes years on his videos to follow a teaching. That's why I'm "late" in answering. If your question was about my comment about you, then I would think that your question would be on the "too" and not the "late". Ha ha. Best wishes and better tomorrows.
Hello there :-))
@@richardhill8786 wtf
22:47 bingo!!
Excellent observation
Hell.yeah free rent, free food ,free sex , free drugs.
Wouldn't you say that wokeism and virtue signalling is a reaction formation? As in however anti-racist or anti-sexist you make yourself appear correlates to your own suppressed racist and sexist urges, for example. i.e. Wokeism is a cultural neurosis.