Trans Guy: Reading My Old Diary
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- Опубліковано 13 вер 2024
- I found my old diary (diaries) from around the time I figured out I was transgender and the early stages of my transition.
Music: bensound.com
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Facebook: / jamiearaines
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Email: jamieraines@hotmail.com
'A weird but sweet farewell to who I was never meant to be. '
Wow that was a powerful sentence. Thanks for sharing your person entries with us
I was just about to comment about that line. So powerful and sad
Do you have the time stamp?
I started tearing up around 8:35 because I remembered when I told my mom that I am a boy. We were in the kitchen and I wanted to tell her this for weeks so I said "I need to tell you something important" but I couldn't say it and started crying so hard that she asked me if I was pregnant. I said "no, it's kinda the opposite" She was very confused and said "Take your time and talk to me when you are ready"
But I wanted to say it so we went to the living room. We were sitting there for like half an hour until I stopped crying, I went in my room and wrote a letter which I wanted to put in the newspaper the next day so she would find it but when she was reading the newspaper she skipped the page I had put the letter in so I gave it to her later.
I cried so much these days and I was so worried just to hear her say "I've read the letter and I don't care. You are my child, no matter what" I was kinda happy about it but at the same time worried because of the "I don't care" part
NOw - 7 months after I came out to my mom - I go to therapy (been 2 months already owo) and every day is a small step towards being myself
Our Jams That's true but I guess I'm lucky my parents are accepting and that the therapist had time for me that quick. I waited 43 days after I called him I think. I wish it'd be as easy to get help for everyone :/
This is 3 years ago, how are you doing now and were you able to start transitioning?
@@Prickly_Cactus_1993 Aw, how sweet of you to ask, I'm doing great! I got on blockers in 2018, my name and gender marker were legally changed the next day, I've been on testosterone since October 2019 and got my surgery (top and hysterectomy) 5 months ago! I am where I always wanted and needed to be and couldn't be more at peace with myself
@@Prickly_Cactus_1993 My mom always supported me and never stopped fighting the system to get me what I needed, even when I lost hope. I turned 18 shortly after my surgery btw. Aaand my brother got his tattoo with my old name covered up with the right one haha
@@phlrhl99 Thats amazing to hear! I'm glad your parents were supportive and you've came this far on your journey! I wish you good luck on the rest of it aswell! - A random pansexual on the internet who came out to their mom not too long ago
that little "ᵒʰ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶦˢ ˢᵒ ʷᵉᶦʳᵈ"
Hey Jamie. As a closeted eighteen year old from Texas, I'm scared shitless right now, and this video really kind of helps me. It's hard to admit to myself right now... but one day I hope to be as strong and as handsome as you. Thanks for the encouragement man. Keep it up. - Simon
Love,
Simon
hope things went Simon lots of love
Hi Simon have you come out yet
@@exotic_lobster69 yep, been out for a while now. about eight months on t if i'm calculating things correctly. it hasn't been easy, and i've lost a lot of people, but i've never been more content with myself. worth it a million times over.
@@ImmaWolfWarrior good have a great day random stranger I glad you're ok
Jamie, I really love your videos - positive, vulnerable, authentic. I first supported a trans person 45 years ago, when things were a bit more difficult (British understatement). From then until I retired 15 years ago, I saw maybe 50 trans people in my role as a clinical psychologist and I led gender workshops for doctoral students in clinical psychology training.
I just want to thank you and to send my love to all trans people, wishing them good luck, acceptance and happiness.
hahahha 'man thats embarrassing finally admitting im from essex', im crying
I’m not from Essex but I’ve lived here a while this was rlly funny ngl 😂
I don't get the issue. I haven't watched the video, but idk what Essex is or why it's embarrassing.
The joke is that you’d think the big revelation he was going to make is that he’s trans
I think I need a diary.
Watching this in my car, about to go to my first appointment on my way to starting T! I arrived too early bc I have anxiety about doctors offices... I just need my brain to stfu 😂 so excited tho
Charlie Anderson good luck fellow charlie!
Charlie Glover ayyyeee 😂
Charlie Glover hey other Charlie.. guess what? I just got my first shot of T today! I didn't even know they'd let me get a shot the first appointment! IM FINALLY ON T.. is my voice deeper yet?
Congrats, bro!!
Charlie Anderson omg congratulation. I don't even know you but I'm so happy!! I sigh you the best luck and just know that of course the journey may be scary or nerve racking. But everything is worth it in the end☺️❤️
i started identifying as trans when i started puberty (around the age of 10). My body just wasn't doing what felt right. I'm 12 now and my closest friend is buying me a binder for my birthday, along with a book that will help me come out to my parents. I was planning on coming out to my mum and dad when I'm 14 but my mum has already seen me wearing boxers. My mum shouts at me because i wear clothes for boys. On many occasions, i have considered coming out but i know that she'll be horrified. My mum and dad are extremely transphobic and i don't know what to do. I'm coming out to school on September 5th (the day school starts again).
Caleb The Trashy Virus Don't come out if you feel it isn't safe. I know being in the closet sucks but if it's a matter of safety it's better to wait until you're independent of your parents. Hang in there.
How'd it go?
Caleb The Trashy Virus Yeah man, how'd it go?
How are things now? I hope better
ik i'm late but how did it go?
I am currently where you were when you wrote this. I just changed my name legally TODAY, and it's both terrifying and exiting, so this video really hit home for me...
Thank you for making me believe that I can get as far as you are now, because that still seem like so far away that I can hardly imagine it. Thank you
Im not trans.. But I watch your videos because you're an admireble humanbeing
The amount of times I stopped and said "I feel the same way" watching your videos is staggering. If it weren't for you, I probably never would have been brave enough to come out to my family & friends as trans and I don't want to think of where I'd be if I haven't. I've been struggling with depression for a few months, but every time I'm about to go off the deep end, I think of all the good things that have happened to me recently. And no matter how much time passes or how screwed up I am at the time, finding your channel and myself through it are always one of the ones that calm me down the most. Thank you.
Jammi!!! Because of watching your videos, i built up enough courage to tell my parents (not the smoothest way, i kinda was in tears lol) but now I'm going to my first therapist meeting on Wednesday!! Its now the start of a new road!
I really want to thank you so much for helping me 💙
Fellow UK trans guy here (and a fellow Jamie!). I absolutely love your videos and this one is super helpful to me. I've only been out since January and I'm 2 months on T and this just shows how far you've come and what I can look forward to in the future. Thank you for being so open about who you are.
Hey, it's no problem. To be honest with you I bought some off the internet, which I don't recommend. I do have a private appointment in November, but as I've known I was trans since I was 15 (23 now) I couldn't wait any longer. If you can hold on private waiting times are about 6-12 months.
Jamie Dovahkiin good luck on T :) and also, fus ro dah XD
Thanks dude! FUS ROH DAH!
Dov Ah Kiin!!
I... thought I was the only one to feel this way. You went through everything I have. I'm still terrified and I'm very grateful to be following you. Thank you very much.
Álex you’re not alone in this, I hope things get better for you soon.
You're being far too critical on your younger self. The stuff he was saying isn't cheesy or cliche, its emotional, touching, and very well put. Young Jamie had a fantastic way with his words.
That was emotional and personal. Also relatable. It's always difficult to look back but sometimes it's oddly cathartic and nostalgic. Thank you for this.
Please make more videos about your struggles before coming to terms and deciding to transition. You should really write a book too. So happy I found your channel, this video really spoke to me.
Your transition turned out so perfect and so much of this was relatable I really look up to you, thanks?!
Today I told my mom that I have always wanted to be a boy and she basically told me that I would be an ugly boy and will always be her "little girl"
That's what my dad is like it's awful I feel you
Sam Winter sorry mate that's bullshit
Im so so fukcing sorry. shit i know how that feels and no one should go through this
@@s.winter7455 You know that's not what they meant. They mean they want to be physically male, and be seen as male. It's hard to say "No, I am a boy/man" when you're early on in your transition, especially if your self-confidence isn't that high to begin with.
Omg I would kill to have a book written by you about your childhood/puberty/adolescence and your experience as a trans guy. You're just so inspiring and I'd love to sit here and listen to you for all day long!
“Hang on I’m gonna get my glasses”
UA-cam: ok let’s give him a sec **gives me 4 unskippable ads*
Hugely inspiring seeing how far you've come I'm still extremely early in my transition I know I'm trans I have a name picked out but that's it I know my parents are transphobic and we already don't get along as it is so I'm gonna have to wait a couple years but I'm using the time to save up for testosterone and appointments with gender therapist and stuff it's gonna be a long hard journey but I'm not gonna give up one day I'll pass and be on T and have surgery
How you doing three years later? :D
Holy shit dude. Thank you.
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!
Of all the trans guys out there ahead of me in transition your words and videos help me the most.
Hi jammi! I love your videos! I'm ftm and my name is Ashton from America... just wanted to stop and say hi!
The Claw Kid I'm Charlie, a transguy from the United States. Hi 👋
Im gray, a ftm kid from Australia. I like cats and cuddles. Heyo✋🏼
The Claw Kid 👋Hi. My name is Max a transgender boi (I'm 13 can you believe it?) Just wanted to say ELLO!! Oh ya, I'm from 'MERICAAAA
Hello I'm Adam - I'm a transguy from America as well
The Claw Kid I also wanna be ftm, but I don't know how to come out to my parents... any ideas?
I'M SORRY I JUST LEARNT YOU WERE WITH DR YELLAND AND I'M WITH DR YELLAND IN 3 DAYS AND YOUR RESULTS ARE SO GOOD IT MADE ME EVEN MORE EXCITED FOR MINE
i don’t know if you will ever come back to this but i hope it went well ❤️
SO CUTE AND YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD WRITER
thank you so much for this video, I started identifying as trans right as I turned 17 this year and seeing that that was also the age you started figuring yourself out too, but then seeing how happy you are now and how far you've come gives me hope for myself in the future :') I keep thinking that I'll never get hormones or top surgery, but now I'm thinking maybe someday I will
This is one of the most pure things. It's so wholesome and it really hits home with me. Thank you for making this video
I've been writing non stop for the past week since I finally admitted to myself that something was wrong. I've been having these thoughts my whole life but now I'm starting to actually untangle them and deal with them. I've spent so many years pushing this stuff down that it's really hard to dig it back up, but I guess it's something that needs to be done. Thanks for showing us that things can get better.
DAAAAYUM you look so incredibly handsome with glasses!
When I was younger I could identity with either sex. I was really confused. I still think to this day I'm 50/50 but I do identify as female which I was born. I think I could be either and I'm 49.
You may want to look into the label "bigender" if you haven't already (if you feel that that may help)
Yes I know about bigender. I am married and have two sons, I'm just a tomboy
I kinda feel similar I'm 17 and like I don't care what pronouns people use for me or anything like that I'm okay with my girl body but like I also feel I would be okay in a boy body and it's weird cause my older brother jokingly calls me a boy all the time and I don't mind it I know I'm late oh well just thought I'd share anyway
This hit me right in the feels
Watching this back makes me legit want to cry (obviously happy tears) you really have come such a long way and I can’t even begin to imagine how much strength and courage this whole thing has taken. You can and do help so many people, I actually don’t think you realise just how important and inspirational you are to people. Thank you for starting this UA-cam channel and thank you for being you. So much love❤️
You look so cute with glasses omg
This video makes me feel strong. Thank you for being so honest
This was so heart-warming to listen to. I'm so glad you went through with transitioning and that you're happier now.
"Thats embarrassing. Finally admitting I'm from Essex"
Jammi: *laughs* youre not funny!
Made me emotional, I'm proud of you
Thanks so much, I really appreciate you opening up and sharing parts of you. It's helping a lot right now.
Being part of the lgbt community, I came out way later than all of my friends and I feel like it's because I was never able to admit to myself that I was bi. Being trans is definitely a lot more in the sense of you can't hide it at family gatherings and you have physical transitions. But this really made me think back to it and when I first said it outloud to my friend, I didn't even know it myself and it made me cry.
My diary is just me being depressed
Awh. Its incredible how much that youve changed. Love ya jamie!
I love this so much, I found Jamie when I was questioning and he's really helped me accept myself and be who I am.
Jamie, I love this video. All the things you wrote about feeling 6+ years ago, I'm feeling now. Seeing where you are now gives me a hope for the future. I've been feeling like complete shit lately and this has really helped me.
This helped at lot...Like...a lot...I cried during this, I just cut my hair (ftm I think, still figuring some shit out) and my mom said I can't get a binder cause I have trouble breathing already. I was honestly feeling somewhat suicidal and then I look at you, and some others and think...one day I could get this far....Thank you
You're wonderful jammie and all your feelings and emotions are genuine. I'm happy of your journey I hope everybody gets to live a nice life and feel good with themselves.
Heck it I'm getting a diary
I just want to thank you for sharing this. I know it's an older video and you may never see this post, but you sharing how you came to find and accept yourself has really meant a lot to me as I go through this journey to find out who I am. I relate to so much of what your younger self was feeling...and I hope someday I might relate to how happy you are now. Thank you.
This is insane how closely your story resembles mine. I kept a journal as well when I was in this really dark time. I think I kept it mainly because I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling. But I remember coming to the idea that maybe I was trans and it was like my whole life was put into a new perspective. I love that I can look back on my entire documented thought process on what I was going through when I realized who I really was. (Also my birth name is Jaymie haha. Might change it to Jaymes)
telling someone that they are brave is something but actually realizing how brave they are is just insane hes so nice and calm about it although its painfully hard , looking up to you bro
I relate so much to this oh my god...thank you so much for making these videos and giving us some hope that it DOES get better, and the struggles we face now will be far behind us one day. I'm currently 17 and just starting to come out to my parents and close friends, just shared my new name today and am so happy to be accepted by those most important to me...it's terrifying and overwhelming, but also amazing to finally take the first steps towards becoming more genuinely myself
Heyy Im 16 and I 've got a appointment with my gp in a few weeks and she said if she agrees I'm eligible she'll refer me to a physiatrist about being Ftm and then if they think I'm eligible they'll refer me to a gender clinic does anyone have any idea how long this could take. And also how long before I could possibly start T
Bruh Bruh I'm not entirely sure but I think it could take up to a few months after the gender clinic
OMG this is without doubt one of my favorite videos you have done! You are so brave and such a shining example of the light at the end of a dark tunnel
I'm seeing a lot of people in the comments from 2 years ago telling stories or saying they're starting hormones and such. I'm wondering how it went for them, but they probably won't reply. So for anyone who sees this comment, how are you 😊 I hope you're doing well
Oh yes, I meant to mention that I have lived in Thailand for the past 15 years and, although there is some discrimination that trans people can experience, trans people are reasonably well accepted. It is certainly true that some of the most beautiful women in Thailand were born as boys.
I find it incredibly inspiring that your fear of rejection for admitting who you are and for living your truth has not been founded. Although I'm sure you have had some negative reactions from others towards your transition, the positive responses and huge following must make you feel so good. Through self-acceptance you have gained a lot of acknowledgement and validation. Well done Jaime!
I'm really so happy for you considering how far you have come and how brave you are for uploading this.
Hi Jammie. I just recently started watching your videos. I'm 14 and fairly sure I am transgender. I've told my mother but because I still 'pretend' that I am female by wearing make up, female cloths etc so my mum says it's just a phase. I can really relate to your videos and I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for your videos. Thank you for helping me even though you don't know how much you've helped me you have. Thank you Jammie
Sorry for all the auto correct
how are you doing now?
You look better in this video than the one in the last 5 minutes XD Thank you so much for sharing this video, being a diarist myself I couldn't even imagine reading it out on live on camera XDXD
Going through old diaries is crazy.
Last year and the year before I logged how I was feeling almost everyday in a diary. I think I have 3 diaries from the last 2 years and one I briefly wrote in 2014 (I would've been 13 at the time?).
I noticed how I could've picked up on a lot of my issues earlier than I did - like my depression and dysphoria, just by how I spoke in the 2014 diary. The later diaries were just filled with suicidal crap but I think diaries - in general - are really valuable to see how far you've come as a person.
Hey jammi I'm planning to come out when I turn 15. Do have any info or words that will help me? I'm scared
Mineplayer2119 I would say get the people who you are going to come out to's opinions on LGBT+ stuff before you try and come out.
my entire family is anti-lgbtq+
Mineplayer2119 well, only you know your family dynamic, but be sure you're safe if you're really that set on coming out at that age (if you're ready, that's fine!) and that you have a possible other place to life, say your friends or relatives or something ❤ Above all dont feel pressured to come out. You are the only one who knows when the time is right (if there is one).
I agree with Molten Kitty if you know your family is against LGBT+ people then if you are really set on coming out have somewhere to go just in case that will be supportive but in that situation I honestly wouldn't advise coming out as you never know if it will get really nasty.
Wow. Your Diary is my life right now...
thank you and your past you
I quite like these serious videos from you helps me to see someone who has been where i am now
Awesome video yet again! I know this is kind of off topic but I love your glasses!
Great video. I just writing down to talk about my feelings because I never want to talk to people face to face
4:48 - aww 😢 i found it funny after getting teary about the first sentence 💜 - really looking forward to reading your book!
Wondering if you used these diaries? 🤔
I know this is an old video but I have to say thank you for sharing something so personal. When I was 18 a friend of mine came out as trans. The term they used back then was "FTN" (n meaning 'neutral') but I think these days the term would probably be either non binary or agender. (We drifted apart over the years so I don't know if they've kept the same label or not.) And since then I've tried to be a good ally to trans people but I think I was a lot like your school counselor..."perfectly lovely" but didn't really understand it, and thus couldn't really do much to help. I've been watching a lot of your videos and they have helped me understand more, especially this one. I've never really hard a trans person share as much as your journal entries do about what it FEELS like. I think this new understanding can only be a good thing that will hopefully make me a better friend and ally in the future. So I wanted to say thank you for sharing this.
Love you
"A weird, but sweet farewell to who I was never meant to be."
I logged onto your channel a few days ago and am really enjoying the videos.
That was so brave of you to write down. I couldn't do it although I'm not in the same situation as you but I don't even know if I could write it down. It must have been so many sleepless nights thinking about how to say it, even only to yourself, privately. I'm sorry for you that you had no idea why everyone else was not feeling the same as you, of course, one cannot influence the circumstances in which one is born. I felt like I was right there with 17yo Jamie, struggling to admit what he always knew. I can't even imagine what it's like, carrying that secret and that weight on your shoulders.
Imagine being from Essex...
Hearing this is crazy, because a lot of what you said in your diary is what I'm struggling with now - struggling to get the words out sometimes, not wanting everyone to know something so personal, but knowing they have to etc. I relate to the denial a lot, I'm just coming out of it.
Does anyone know of an online resource where you can talk to someone about gender. Someone qualified in trans* stuff. I need help. Please.
Angel Chaplin Sorry, I don't know a website. I want to say that I need it too. Someone please tell us.
To look for professionals, you can search radremedy.org
You can also call Trans Lifeline
US: (877) 565-8860 Canada: (877) 330-6366
this hotline is staffed by volunteers who are trans/non-binary/nonconforming, etc.
Jaedeniah Thank you so much
Andrew Marty you're welcome. Remember you are not alone, even if your head is screaming at you that you are
Jaedeniah
Thanks a bunch dude
Watching this and just realising how similar I am now to who you were then. It's kinda amazing...
💛 Random: Omg... I HAD that first notebook! Mine just had numbers in it so kind of boring. I'm in Canada so it must have been a popular notebook.
Ah shit, now I'm all emotional.
I've been confused (not really that confused tbh) for over a year now and I still don't think I'm trans (or I don't allow myself to think it). But I keep making these decisions (like changing my name, wearing a binder, buying new clothes, trying out he/him pronouns, cutting my hair etc.) and every time I do, I feel like I cannot go back. Not even one step back. (I wonder what that means...)
Sooo, it's depressing and confusing and I don't know if I will ever be at the point where I can say who I am, maybe trans, maybe not, who knows?
Jamie’s diary: I want to know what everyone else sees when they look in the mirror
Me: WHOOO IS THAT GIRL I SEE STARING STRAIGHT BACK AT ME? WHY IS MY REFLECTION SOMEONE IIIIIIII DON’T KNOW
Also super relatable. I look at my reflection more like how an artist looks at an anatomical reference and less like “hey that’s me”
I'm very late but this is an amazing video. Thanks for sharing, Jamie.
Thank you sooo sooo much. Now I see I can. Because I feel as you 6 years ago... Omg I just wish to see myself as you do, to come so far...
Fucking hell thats wild, baby Jamie looked so different wow. I’m mindblown
oh shit i started crying immediately when he read the mirror thing. shit i know it seemed cringy but this is what im going through right now
It’s okay, I’m from Essex too...
It feels weird, I am 28 and I think I am in this phase of writing stuff in my diary but I am really very confused actually. The fact is, I am very bad (like really very very much, if I may say so) at making choices, and even more life changing ones. I feel like I could be trans, but what if I am not? I have this voice in my head saying "it shouldn't be a choice anyway" and making me feel like I am not trans at all but... I don't know if I am clear XD It doesn't really help when (almost) all the info I found is in English or related to countries that are not mine (France), and even if I am getting used to it because it's the same with every LGBT stuff I searched, it isn't easy.
Anyway, it's been two days that I am watching your videos and thanks a lot for them
Ive started questioning about 3 and a half years ago, still not 100% sure if im actually a boy, but i know that when i look down an my p r i v a t e p a r t s it feel wrong, like somthing is missing, i remember being happy when i was called a tomboy of or when my brother said i fit in with the boys in the neighborhood, i remember not liking hanging out with the girls in my clss, i mean, i didnt like hanging out with the boys either but still-- and more stuff i cant remember rn
I am also trans FTM. Still haven't come out yet and realised the truth at the age of 11. I can't physically bring myself to tell someone. I need help. Who else feels the same way?
There's so many similarities between your experiences/journals and mine.
You were in college at 16 years old???
This is awesome to each as I'm writing my diary and I hope one day and can do something similar to this and be happy :)
Now I want to keep my diaries from when I was a child. I had my lgbt journey in there and a lot of emotions I kinda left behind.
I’m thinking that I’m trans, but I have many concerns... for one, what will I do for sports teams? I am currently in all of the girls teams, and I love sports so much, but I’m scared that I won’t be able to play with my friends, because where I live the boys and girls teams don’t match up in age, and tbh, there’s no way that I have the strength to play on a boys team (specifically basketball and baseball). It’s all overwhelming, and I doubt ppl with read this comment but I have hope that someone has gone through this and can reassure if everything...
I hope one day I too can look back and see that all the hard times were worth it!
Just wondering how did you get on t?
I've been writing down my feelings for a while (a few weeks) and it's helped a lot so far! Still need a chest though...
MTF but damn I'm feeling some of these
Coming out as trans: :)
Coming out as an essexer: ;(
Young Jamie was fuckin hilarious and deep as shit
Aweeeeeee that was very sad and interesting amazing video!
I'm diving deep into the archives