Dax Shepard Learns of His Mother's Shame on Armchair Expert
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- Опубліковано 29 січ 2019
- Dax Shepard airs his personal shame on his podcast frequently, but when his mother does the same in one episode of Armchair Expert, he relates to her in a whole new way.
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I remember meeting a traumatized, frightened, young lady in the train station waiting room in 1978. She had escaped her violent husband still living in Germany who had treated her shamefully. He'd pee on her etc...unspeakable abuse. She feared her family's reaction. I told her I was proud of her, and very impressed by her courage. I often wonder how she progressed...I hope she excelled in every way possible.
It'll take a while - but I hope somehow, through some ridiculously elaborate set of circumstances, she sees your comment, or a child of hers (from a new relationship) sees it and updates you. To think of anything else - that she went back to him, that she committed suicide or anything like that...I can only hope she recognised that truth you spoke, of her courage, doing the right thing, and that truth at least sowed the seed for some change.
Dax is such an honest and humble guy. His openness is going to help so many people out there. I'm glad that you two seem to be friends now!
I've gotten more good sobriety information from that podcast than I have from anywhere else
Even more so with his recent revelations on relapsing
These interviews are so incredible because Sam, more than any other interviewer I've seen, really listens to what his guests are saying. It's so authentic and beautiful
Emma Berntheizel - Go find some old episodes of Dick Cavett, it’s the same style.
I love these talks with Dax. This is why Brené Brown says shame is lethal. I always agreed, in the context that it can eat you alive, make you self-medicate, lead to suicide, etc. I never thought of this example...it can literally get you killed by someone else. She's a strong woman.
P. S. Sam, you're my favourite interviewer and I'm a huge fan of Off Camera. Much respect. 👏
Well said 👍
Agree! I was her just a year ago...but got out 11 months ago after 11yrs of abuse. Best decision of my life...it saved my life. Thank you for speaking about this topic because too many people do look down on us as if we did it to ourselves or wanted it.
That line "You're not weak. You don't lack assertiveness." My mom stayed with a man that physically and emotionally tortured her and her children.
I hold no ill will towards her.
She was superwoman to me.
She had one hand and was staying with this monster because she thought its what was best for us.
Cut to im 31 and a complete basket case due to multiple trauma in my life, most of which I can trace back to being due to this guy, or how he programmed me.
He happens to be my biological sperm donor.
The word father is for guys like Dax, who struggle, but actually give a fuck whether their kids are permanently scarred by THEIR being a little fucked up.
Its inspirational to me.
Makes me realize I'm not alone in this.
I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years, and it took seeing the abuse through my toddler's eyes to take the step to leave to protect them. I truly believe if I hadn't had a child I never would have found the self respect to leave on my own account. The shame is all consuming. I also acknowledge that my dad's unconditional compassion and love gave me a safe place to go, and without him, I don't know how I ever would have survived. I had a conversation with my child, who is now an adult, last night, reminding him that it can take multiple tries to launch successfully into the world, and to NEVER have too much pride to call and ask to come back home, there's always a warm bed, unconditional love, and a big hug waiting for him here.
Shame and guilt are paralysers. Nothing positive comes from shame... it keeps us in the problem. I was a mother in a similar situation. It isn't always easy to let our children see how we are really feeling when we find ourselves in a awful situation.
Your comment hits very close to home. My ex-husband tampered with my car on one occasion to blow me up, and another occasion drugged me. Both times I ended up just fine. A year and a half later I overheard him talking to someone on the phone telling him how neither of his plans worked out for him and that I was still alive..... I was stunned and terrified and didn’t have the presence of mind to record the conversation or he would be in prison now. I packed a bag and I got the hell out of there and I never went back. My entire family divorced me because they picked a side and it wasn’t mine. I feel the guilt and shame every day, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. I adored him. But he wanted me dead for money. I can’t even describe any of these feelings in words.
I get it. So sad.
I just have fallen in love with this guys emotion, his eloquence, his honesty. He is just an interesting man.
So glad you did a second interview with Dax.
How does one become the kind of person to be able to talk about these things without completely breaking down the whole time? Is it just hours and hours of therapy? I'm so impressed with his and Kristens interviews.
therapy does this yeah... once you cry a good time in front of your therapist and get to talk with them about how truly fucked up what happened to you was it gets easier to just accept it and discuss it calmly
This man is such an incredible interviewer! It is so refreshing to listen to an interviewer who asks thoughtful questions and actually listens. He is so secure in himself; he doesn’t spend the interview trying to show how smart he is. He relaxes into it and that puts his guest at ease and allows them to shine. I never knew Dax Shepard was this deep or intelligent. I also love his vulnerability. Beautiful interview!
The power of shame. It's that fear of judgement and facing criticism. What if people didn't judge or criticize others? What if people were understanding and loving instead?
That’s so good Heidi. Really needed to see your positive message today, thanks for being a light 💡
Thank you, Anne! xo Glad my message was there waiting for you! Hope you are having a blessed day. :)
Good points.. however it’s the same dynamic that leads to shame etc. People aren’t able to see with as much compassion and acceptance due to so much of how our society is. Our society as a whole is afraid to be real, honest, authentic...because we live in a deeply entrenched and complex society (in realms of “hiding”) and it’s reinforced by many dysfunctional families, who learned it from their parents and on and on...
That it’s easy enough to see the “answer” but how do we get there? How do we treat the root cause and help people with massive resistance to being real (encouraged and reinforced from childhood on) to become authentic, compassionate, self and other accepting?
It’s a very complex process.
UA-cam is one of the worst places for it .
And from the personal experience, oftentimes we are the ones who is judging ourselves in the first place. Maybe others even won’t, or they don’t even really care, just one word or look or nothing. We keep ourselves in the vicious cycle of fear, judge, guilt, shame, fear, ... and on and on.
Dax's mom has had a situation similar to mine... I'm glad to know that she raised someone as articulate, self-aware and intelligent as Dax. Gives me hope for my own daughter.. And NO ONE understands why you stay. I didn't even understand until I was in one. Because you can't believe you fell for it ...Because you are terrified for your/ your kids safety when you leave and bc you are embarrassed that you find yourself there in the first place
Dax wasn't always "in a good place." It took him many years to kick addiction, become self-aware, grow, and become this grounded. I wish the best for your daughter.
A mother has a lot of pride. I can understand feeling shame. If she only had that support to be told she's brave and incredible, it's ok to leave. It doesn't make you a failure. EVER.
I think it's just selfish~ you have children to think about and put them in this unhealthy situation. That should be your motivation to leave not your shame~ it's just making excuses for these women who do this to their children.
So your saying it's ok for a mother to stay in an abusive relationship when she has children? So making excuses for bad behavior is acceptable to you and we are all suppose to say, you poor thing for being a terrible mother, but bc you were to weak to get out of a destructive situation to help your children, it's ok. Nope, not getting it from me. EVER! Hopefully you do not have children.
@@luvnlight9000 Wow. It's being *understanding* of others' own complex emotions and human experience of life. Many things and others do, we wouldn't see as right or ideal but can understand what makes or made them do them because we are human. There's no absolutes.
@@luvnlight9000 I agree with you, but when one is in that situation, the confusion can be overwhelming. And also different times had different risks.
I am not justifying staying in a dangerous situation. But there can be a lot more than meets the eye. Its good that more things are coming to the surface, as painful as it is... I hope they get all dealt with compassionately.
I bet his mother is at least in my age range. When I went through Domestic Violence there were no, zero domestic violence shelters, no help, and no hope. People were blaming us for not being good wives and mothers. The abusers were the victims of our accusations. What a blessing to hear Dax Shepard talk about his experience and how he's moved to express his compassion after having been raised in a single-parent family. Thank you for your public service. Everything begins in childhood.
I never realized it before but as a survivor of domestic abuse that is why I stayed. It was absolutely shame. I feel so much better now that I know that
😭😭😭
I am glad for your epiphany. We can't always name what holds us back, and that in itself can hold us back.
Impeccable interview. This story is so powerful
I sit stock-still watching moments like this in interviews and really appreciate the honesty. The greatest strength is knowing you’re not alone.
An important video to share. Love the honesty.
So many of us moms, Dax. Impossible decisions with few perceivable options and very little support- the weight of the world crushing from every side.
Thanks for opening the door to this conversation with your Mom. Every healed relationship matters.
How courageous she is to be so raw and honest when she didn't have to be.
Shame is very crippling and it takes a lifetime to overcome it's devastating grip.
I loved the episode with his mom, it made me cry ❤️ Love his podcast!
I respect nothing more than honesty!!! It takes strength to be honest and vulnerable. ✊🏽
Thanks for helping me to understand my mother. Wish I heard this before she passed last year. But we both heard it now. Much love to you and your family.
These Dax interviews are so poignant and real. I should be asleep, but the ease and depth of your conversations is just so compelling!
Great interview
Yes, shame is so toxic!! Sharing your shame changes everything. Best interview ever!!
Got to disagree it hasn't worked for me
What a great lady, his mom. Kudos to her. I love him. Thanks for the interview!!!!
Wow. Dax is empowering.
Bless his mom for sharing that, it was my story to a T. Wow, was taken back a moment to hear it spoken out loud.
Dax is someone I can understand and relate to on so many levels I've struggled with addiction and my son's dad has nothing to do with him either, I would love to sit down with dax and have a conversation with him he such a humble man who hasn't let fame get to his head, he's so down-to-earth with has nothing but wisdom to share and genuinely cares makes him such a beautiful man his wife is very lucky to have somebody like that what a great interview
Huge Dad Fan. Great artist, love his work. Always entertained and often thought provoked. Blessings to you.
He’s so honest..plus a great sense of life humor!
Great interviewer as well. Always respectful and does his research.
You are not the only one. I'm very strong woman I was an unwed mother in 1963, and fought everyone to raise my child, and not give her up for adoption. Ended up marrying when she was almost 2 years old. This didn't work. So from time she was 5 till 16 I raised her alone. Than I married again, staying in that painful abusive marriage for 18 years because I was too ashamed to admit failure again. I think this was common back then
Dax is the best🌟
My mom said the same thing. She wouldn't divorce her second husband, even though he was awful to her and her kids (me and my brother). She was too embarrassed and couldn't go through another divorce. She was so smart and so caring... but just couldn't do it.
My God, I'm just so taken with this series in general, but oh man just watching Mr Shepard talk about his life and that of his mother with such candor, it's very 'real'. Even Dax' 'eyebrows' and his utterances of 'oh yeah', it's almost like I can see this man's life experiences, his pain and his struggles. The fact that he's able to talk about success and money and that at some moment he did NOT associate that with happiness; that's very interesting. What a great series this is and kudos to Mr Sam Jones for coaxing this sort of confessional / expressional into existence.
I like what he said about opening up & sharing. In my country we say "a problem shared is a problem halved"
Thank you for this.
This is a fantastic channel
The things we give power to...The things that we loose ourselves into. Shame is both. Fear controls it, and feeds it. Great interview.
Only listened to one episode of his podcast (Will Arnett or he calls him Barnie one) and it's so great
This is my favorite episode
He’s an incredible individual. So honest.
Being a single mom that was in an ex stream abuse of relationship I can relate,I’ve been alone now for 5 Years and loving it..Dax is really wise and down to earth.your mom must be so proud.❤️❤️
There is strength in silence at times. There were many times the failure of an expectation leads to the shame. Its one's perception of the expectation that we should realize. No one on this earth has not failed at something...be kind to you! Because it's you who have the perception of the expection.
Dax you are so real kind loving sweet.
The was an intense interview. But one that needed to be said.
Damn... This dude is my spirit animal.
Totally relate shame can cripple your growth
You could just do what my mum did, protect herself by doing nothing when her husband beat her child and blame her child for the beatings. Now that's something to be ashamed of!
Sonja Dawn I’m sorry you lived through that. How awful. I hope you are doing okay in spite of those experiences.
Are you that child?
Valerie Payne I’m a bit bumpy, I think I turned out all right,, not too shabby considering.
barb ryll yes, it was me.
@@SonjaDawn I'm so sorry you were mistreated. 🥺
I respect his honesty!
I am FOREVER saying that shame and jealousy are the two most damaging and useless emotions, and you have to banish them by looking inward, and then leave them behind.
I understand; I went through 3 marriages of abuseful men. I took blame; it had nothing to do with me! I took the “shame” of failed marriage; not my fault , except I took it and didn’t understand I couldn’t make it stop, without leaving! Prayers and support for anyone facing this.
I gave up a child to adoption. Almost no one knows. I would crawl in a hole if anyone found out. Horrible shame. I know it was best for child but destroyed me. Terrible shame.
1 1 - I think it's the most courageous thing you could have done. Bless you for that! As for shame, I don't know how old you are, but things like this have become less shameful (they should have never been shameful to begin with). I remember a few years ago, a woman in church (she was about 55 or so) stood up in church and announced that she had given up a child when she was young and he had found her and they were building a relationship. She was crying (from a mix of emotions, I'm sure, but she was so nervous that I have to think that shame was mixed in there). Then, later, she confessed that she'd had a 2nd child that she'd given up for adoption and they had found her, as well. I can't imagine the shame she carried around for decades. She said that only a handful of people knew what had happened. Have you tried to find an online support group of women who have done the same? I think you'd find a supportive community there, and perhaps you'd feel less shame. Again, bless you for giving your child life and a future you felt you couldn't give him or her.
Living with shame is hurting you and your loved ones. You have the power to face your shame and heal.
Now I know why she married him.
Regarding shame: since the introduction of social media in all its forms into the American mediascape, or the democratization of media, it's astounding how much shaming and scolding have come to dominate discourse type. And yet, as Dax said, shame is one of the most damaging forces one can allow into one's life. Granted sharing one's shame is liberating, but when do we ever witness sharing of personal shame online anywhere??
More and more I fail to see the value of social media.
Blame, shame and guilt are common speed bumps In life. Sadly though culturally acceptable these states are only effective in limiting our life choices and solutions to our challenges. Learning to truly love and forgive ourselves and others for putting negative circumstances in motion restores our ability to move forward for a meaningful, feel good life. Suffering can be minimized.
I heard once the guilt is what you feel when you break someone else’s rules, shame is what you feel when you break your own. My take on shame is that it has two sides, should I feel shame if I do something really rotten to someone else? I would say yes, but it cannot end there, my shame is telling me something, you need to stop, you need to change, you need to repair the damage. Should I feel shame because I grew up with alcoholics for parents? Now this is the other side of shame, I had no control over who they were or what they did, it wasn’t my shame to carry, bu t I did for many years. People with no sense of guilt or shame we often refer to as narcissistic or sociopaths. They feel no remorse or shame over how they treat others hence they stay stuck and nothing changes, they have no chance of changing for the better. To me shame is like other difficult emotions or feelings, pain is trying to tell us something, depression is trying to tell us something etc. the task is to find out what that is and then change it, heal it. The problem is when you stay stuck in it and don’t listen to your heart.
😭😭😭 I love Dax for this.
Its tough dax, that shame can really destroy a life, its happen to me, i was to little to do anything but throw bottles, she ended up doing ok though,
Thank you Dax
Sam is a really good interviewer.
I totally respect Mr. Shepard for talking about this....
I just love you!
I’m going to hear clear clean man my fault again man
I like him a lot
1:00 does he call him Matt?
I wish I could get a message to Dax that I am so encouraged by your messages and I love your support to me as an alcoholic and also as me as gay man wanting to marry the one that I love.
01:51 i felt very sad for her.
I LOVE Dax!!!
Love Dax, much respect to his mom!
Can anyone tell me when Dax says faled at 1:40 is he saying failed thanks😊
He said fouled up...
@@susanstrong4277 thanks😊
❤️
Dax is the best!
Shame is strong. Sometimes people put their shame on you. You are innocent. That shame was never yours to begin with. It was theirs. Put it down, stop carrying it.
What happen man
Is Dax saying Z (Zed) when he says Zee thanks😊
Life experience is not the same as shame unless you allow others to make it that way.
Forgive and move on - i think thats the best way to live
The power of internalized shame (and its conjoined siblings - fear and guilt) is a common human burden, but it can be particularly insidious for women. In my personal experience, female and male children have been raised by very different standards. For girl children, fear, guilt., and shame can be the go-to toolbox for manipulative and controlling baby-boomer mothers primarily worried that their female children will reflect poorly on their parental moral character by becoming sluts or failing to live up to their destinies, both biological and cultural, as caregivers and co-enablers of an entitled and exploitative/abusive patriarchy (inhabited by male progeny). So yes, I completely sympathize with your mother's self-doubt and despair. We internalize the benchmarks against which our parents measure our worth and potential and it can be a huge struggle to overcome the messages playing "on repeat" in our own heads. They can be debilitating and paralyzing. I hope your mother was able to escape her shackles, both external and internal, and thrive.
I get the fear; it could cost you your life. We all see the news about the man who kills the kids, the wife ...
My mom has been married SEVEN times
Your mom sounds like a resilient, strong woman and an eternal optimist. More power to her ☺
I think once was enough for me
The irony is that most people don't care enough to judge, too wrapped up in their own stuff.
So she choose abuse over embarrassment?
I was in an abusive marriage, I understand!
This is why I'm against marriage, man!.. Both the red tape and the social contract where people are SUPPOSED TO hold you accountable to not change your mind lock the door. .... You ARE allowed to change your mind, and if you realise that, then locking the door becomes a flat-out lie. .. Marriage is inherently wrong, and you can ABSOLUTELY throw a sick-ass party to celebrate your relationship without it.
His mother sounds awful. All those bad marriages. Letting her son get raped. She should be ashamed.
Dax and Kristen are so strange I don't think my cynicle world view or my shitty experiences can truly handle them as a real couple lol.. it's more like that couple is the dude down the road who's been through shit and through PTSD has developed an imaginary friend that's perfect in every way and he's pretending to be married to this ghost thing in his head... that sounded kinda insulting to Dax if you don't have the same cynical way of thinking but i don't mean it like that, he's seen shit in his life somebody who hasn't been through shit wouldn't understand and I like him because he's relatable enough that I understand, but not too relatable that I grow to hate him like the self hatred.. then there's the imaginary friend, there's no way Kristen is a real person, that kind of perfect had to be manufactured in a factory, does Dax have that much money to manufacture perfect?.. perfect is a dirty word when referring to a human because pedestals are bad but I still fail to believe Kristen is actually human, prove me wrong
I'm not going to say I have had a total change of heart towards the guy, because it is hard to turn a verdict of 'that guy is just a wannbe a cast off extra from Jackass' when it's been made, but I do appreciate the guy has probably beat himself up over knowing that is more or less what people felt about him. Besides, what I interpreted as 'ass hat' may well of just been a good guy with a bad hangover. I won't be rushing out to see anything the guy makes anyday soon, but kudos to him for kicking a habit that would of cost him his life had he continued.
Dude needs to not drink alcohol ever, get he still does . It will harm him more and faster than not wearing a stupid mask
"Don’t you remember on earth there were things too hot to touch with your finger but you could drink them alright? Shame is like that. If you will attempt it-if you will drink the cup to the dregs-you will find it very nourishing; but try to do anything else with it and it scalds." -from The Great Divorce, by C.S. Lewis
NO DAX, THE BEST WAY OUT OF SHAME, REALLY THE ONLY HEALTHY WAY OUT OF ANY SHAME WE FEEL? IS ALSO ACCOMPANIED WITH GUILT... THE RIGHT WAY TO DEAL WITH THOSE? IS TO SIMPLY GO TO JESUS PRIVATELY AND CONFESS YOUR GUILT AND SHAME AND YOUR SINS TO HIM, AND ASK HIM TO FORGIVE YOU FOR THOSE SINS, AND ANY OTHER SINS YOU ARE AWARE OF, AND THEN ASK HIM TO COME INTO YOUR HEART AND BE YOUR TEACHER ( LORD ) AND SAVIOR, AND TO HELP YOU.. TO GIVE YOU FORGIVENESS AND TO TAKE THAT SHAME AND GUILT AWAY, AND HE WILL DO THAT, AND HE WILL BECOME YOUR BEST FRIEND, AND IF YOU KEEP TALKING WITH HIM AND SHARING YOURSELF WITH HIM AND SUBMIT TO THE WILL OF GOD? HE WILL SAVE YOU, GIVE YOU HEALING AND PEACE AND UNDERSTANDING, AND GUIDANCE AND DIRECTION AND PERSPECTIVE ( PERSPECTIVE FROM GODS EYES NOT OUR OWN ) AND HE WILL PROTECT YOU AND HELP YOU BE THE PERSON YOU WERE CREATED TO BE! I KNOW THESE THINGS BECAUSE JESUS HAS DONE THIS FOR ME! : ) THIS IS WHY HE CAME TO THE EARTH...... TO SAVE ANYONE THAT WANTS TO BE SAVED AND FORGIVEN.........
Private business
He got such great hair #nohomo
Adrenochrome
sounds like she was abusive too.
single mom married 4 times?