*Take my free Daily Practice course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice *Join my Membership and access my private online community: bit.ly/CCF-Membership *Visit my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com *Order my new book RE-REGULATED here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2 *Have a question for me to answer on UA-cam? Write me here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you, Anna. I'm planning to join your next coaching sessions and order your book. I'm just learning to release the freeing of my suppressed emotions at the grand young age of 61, with your daily practice just now ❤️
I myself was abused as a child and watched my mother get beat up also. My life, married, divorced 4x. After many years of therapy. Hard to believe we hold onto those feelings for so long. But, there is hope with a good therapist and an open mind
I don't use the word friendship with benefits anymore. It's not a friendship and there are no real benefits. It's an unsustainable situation. No judgement intended. Just discernment. Potential destruction and even death if it isn't stopped. I've been through it over and over again. I'm still struggling with letting go of unavailable people that look like they're available and then they're not... . I think a sign of my healing is I'm having trouble even following this story because it is so complicated and so traumatic to hear. But all I feel is empathy. Continue your work , Anna, and I will continue my own. Limerence needs to be studied until it's resolved in this world.
I have found that focusing on trying to help other people with their problems is a way to avoid doing my own work. It’s easier to worry about someone else’s life (such as trying to help with their issues or supporting them through hard times) than it is tackle the inner work I need to do to recover from the trauma which I experienced as a child. I’ve done this in a serial fashion. Trying to “help” somebody through extremely difficult situations. I give up so much to try to make their lives better, all the while, resenting it and not healing my own inner child. I hope Roger can move away from this toxic relationship and find some inner peace. He deserves it.
I'm in the beginning of attempt number gajillion and two to sever a codependent trauma bond with a narcissist with whom I've had a decade long destructive relationship. Your description of the process of detachment from those connections ("feeling like we're dying when we start to server them") hit the nail on the head. The way you articulated it is very relatable and pertinent for me right now. Sometimes, just hearing someone say what I'm experiencing so intensely makes me feel understood and less alone. So i thank you; it's a reminder that these feelings are part of a process, and growth can be difficult and painful. But i know- intellectually- it will be worth it.
Thankyou for this Video. My Heart is broken right now from a Woman who repeatedly Breaks up with me after she says & I trust that she's learnt her Lesson that she's throwing such strong Love away. It's been 2 months & I'm done this time. But I'm still having a hard time Letting Go. I'm Worth it & Deserve a Relationship where the Rug doesn't get pulled Underneath me
It’s okay Roger. The last woman I “got feelings for” is a recovered heroin addict and I found out she was she living 5 days a week with a guy who she used to date and has beaten the living hell out of her multiple times, beaten other women, threw one pregnant girlfriend to the floor and kicked her multiple times in the stomach, punched another pregnant woman in the face multiple times, (and with each of these women there were dozens of beatings that weren’t reported, burglarized his mother’s house, been to prison twice, and only lives with her 5 days a week because he is not allowed to be around her son (she had been getting her son 4 days a week but gradually he got it down to 2 days). She also said he’s cheated on her and she’s given him thousands of dollars, even though she busts her butt working as a server in a very busy restaurant. And he’s 6 years younger than her. But he lifts a lot of weights (she said he does steroids) and has six pack abs. I’ve also gathered that he’s a moron with no personality and she’s one of the smartest, coolest, funniest, most subtle, sensitive, best conversationalists I’ve ever met. It boggles the mind and really hurts to lose someone to that situation (and to “lose” to that person), hurting even more know know that he probably gets to be with her because of the effect of him abusing her. Life will deal you some pain, and pain can make people more interesting. But it can also screw people up. The women I’m always immediately attracted to for their personality have had a messed up background, and this attraction usually happens before I know that. But they all have come with “baggage” that just can be accepted. Best bet is to find a woman who is doing something with her life other than earning the most basic living she can and dating. And see red flags for what they are. In my bad relationships there were always two dishonest people, her being dishonest with me and me being dishonest with myself.
Hi Anna 🙂 I have a question based off what you said at the end of the video when you mentioned how "those of us who have only experienced a lot of heartbreak have trouble believing things can get better." My question for you is have you ever talked about (in a video, podcast, or a program we can buy) how you continued to have hope that you would find a happy relationship during the 10 years of being single you often reference before you met your husband? To many lucky people who easily can find a partner being single for 10 years is unthinkable but for use who are currently experiencing something similar it is hard to continue to have hope of one day finding love and getting married.
Life is much more complicated than that. It's not black and white, "can" and can't. Further, in different areas of life and love (out of the eight of them), everyone has different abilities and sensitivities. Life is always a sum total voyage.
The women AND men who keep multiple " partners spinning in their orbit often not openly, always confused me. One man, who i first dated in high school but we were broken up by his parents, came in and out of my life as a friend, then as we were both married still a friend to me and my husband. Ok. Years pass, my husband is gone, and old friend shows up at my door, hes divorcing, needs a place to stay. Ok, i let him have spare room. Hes working on his divorce. I can hear the lawyer calls etc. We finally for the first time in our 40s become intimate. We even travel together. I let down my guard and believed him. He left for a double shift ( cop), and was going to his divorced dads after. He vanished leaving all his uniform parts and clothes at my place. No call no contact. I called his shift supervisor to see if he was alive only, and get a mailing address. Sent a box to the police station of his stuff. Next time i heard about him, he had divorced butvwas engaged to a different woman. So much for the 30yrs we knew each other. Years later i returned from working outbof country, moved to a new small city, whonwalks into my ER but him, on duty. So hesxall apologetic., but hes NOW engaged tonthe cheifs neice and " needs his job". I said Fine. Left the room anytime he entered the ER. He married tnat person and after retirement, he moved far away. I had already left that town. How can a man deckare ubdying live from age 17 to 55yrs and never end up where he claimed his heart was? My conclusion? He loved the idea of me as true love but it wasn't real. But drove me nuts for years.
You know, listening to this, I've just had an insight about the reasons that we cling. I don't think that it's that I have not had this insight before, in fact, I know that I have, but you know those moments where something that you already know hits you differently than it usually does? The reason why we don't let go when we clearly should, we don't walk away from people who are hurting us , we stay long-term limerant, is that on some level we know that the only people we are going to be powerfully drawn to and attracted to like that in a way that will have us just really into that person, and not constantly looking over our shoulders toward the past, is if we get together with just another person who has that same dysfunctional dynamic. And I think we know on some intuitive level that if we keep going through one of these people after the next, we are going to start to have a hard time making an excuse for the problem being these other people. People are going to start to say "Well you're the common thread so you're obviously the problem" and we're not going to have anywhere to hide from it, but if we keep going through the same problem with the same person, that situation isn't developing, and we get to hold onto our innocent victim status. Sooner or later, if we keep doing it with different people, it's been so many people with us as a common thread that these people, trust me, I know from experience, start to send up signals like they're innocent, and we're crazy (when in fact it is, and it always has been a joint effort). So it's almost easier just to narrow the number of people it is by not letting go and trying to learn your lessons and heal your disastrous wounds off of just a handful of people. I'm not saying that any of us are conscious that that's or doing. I can tell you that that you don't really become conscious of that for a long time in some cases especially if you're like me. I learn slowly.
We all loop back to our childhood in some way. Bad childhood often subconsciously has us looking for bad relationships as adults mimicking the same pains.
Too early ❤❤❤takes years to get through grief 18 months a widow no dating the thought makes me feel sick. I know it’s different for everyone…but 6 months. Definitely not 😮
My issues are with my two younger siblings. Both are alcoholics, without the drink. Both have significant mental and health issues. Lastly, they are hoarders and their homes are unbelievably dirty! I have to a large degree, pulled away. However, when an issue arises, I find that I try to fix it. I’ve been in therapy for 40 years. God help me! I want peace.
I had a brother with PTSD and alcoholism, both of our parents were alcoholics, and my mother was a hoarder (and a rager), so some similarities there. The thing that has helped me most is 12-step meetings from ACA. It didn't change the other people in my life but that was never really under my control anyway. It gave me a lot of clarity about better ways to manage my own life and not get dragged into the family drama as much.
Oh my dear Roger, she does not sound like a friend. She is using you. I can't help but wonder if she truly grieved the ex-BF but she is just playing with your heart. I encourage you to let her go and find somone who truly shows interest in you - fully expresses it and avoid anyone who does this to you. You may care for all she has gone through but she does not return the care and you deserve someone who does. "Nice Guy" is the same as "Cool Girl" and it kills your spirit.
@@angelirizarry2666 🤣 Oh the looks that would generate. It was my first thought when he said "Nice Guy Syndrome" and how it plays out in the feminine role.
I was in a relationship like this but was able to move on in the end and now I’m so happy and I feel better I don’t have to deal with that person anymore who always would bring me down and made me miserable and hurt me good luck to that person because he’s jealous and insecure I know I’m attractive and I’m good looking they are missing something.
Dang, this one hit close to home.. Ahh, this sucks and hurts. Different emotions hit me like ocean waves. I know what I need to do, now I just need to get off my ass and do the work.
I have it with my mother. Its very very complicated but im living with her and my narcissistic abusive father out of necessity cutrently. She loves me to death and is kind and empathic...but when it comes to my trauma caused by relentless emotional and psychological abuse from my father who abuses her and my sister she doesnt care.She let us be subjected to so much shit, I helped her with so much over the years in everything even with my illness,10 times over what my father ever did for her, supported so so much and gave up alot for her, financially too and stupidly trusted her but now that we are moving and i cant bring myself to live with him any further in another home she wants me out of the way living on my own( with no money or job or car because of my severe mental illness and only recently recovering from serious addiction) so she can continue living with him despite his abuse while at the same time now wanting to claim carers allowance for my severe mental illness.....but i wont even be living with her and she wants me to go with nothing and still claim off my illness, shes done similar things in the past but i foragve her cause of HER trauma.... im prob going to end up homeless cause i cant take more from my father and she refuses to listen to that or accept it at all. I am so scared and so hurt and made a huge mistake of sticking by her and trusting her and that id be ok. Total trauma bond
HI Anna or your team. Have you any videos about dealing with emotions regarding siblings that a person's disconnected from and has cut contact with. I had a conversation with the only brother out of three that I have contact with. Talking about the two I don't have contact with has totally unearthed feelings of resentment that I'm struggling with today. I was just at a place where I've felt a bit of peace thanks to your videos but need help with these new emotions.. Thank you ❤
You may find these videos helpful: ua-cam.com/video/ONDoS8knA2Y/v-deo.html ua-cam.com/video/AkkBG6Tpg5o/v-deo.html ua-cam.com/video/Bw3MNeQqdE0/v-deo.html -Calista@TeamFairy
I bet the "friends with benefits" was HIS idea. He's skillfully ommitting saying whose idea it was because he was the one who came up with it. Men who refer to themselves as "nice guys" tend to be highly entitled, they prey on vulnerable women and expect sex from them. It's a huge red flag.
It’s sad because now that I’m out of the trap of desperation and trying to fill a void that I can see that a lot of people on here are unreliable narrators that want us all to believe these relationships are more special than they are.
@@user-gv1zi2vn1k you are honest with yourself and your situation. The person you’re projecting these feelings onto you isn’t the projection but someone else entirely. Also recognizing that if someone can go “no contact” that they don’t actually love you…or at least not enough to be the one. I found someone else once I deleted social media and made myself move on from delusional thinking.
No sex before marriage, period. If they're not willing to wait for you, then tell them to keep walking. Once the sex starts, the growth in the relationship stops. There's a reason the older generations were married (happily, btw) for 40, 50, 60+ years. When we started dating, we asked all of the happy couples in our church what made things work for them and emulated their relationships. And we've been fully rewarded. We dated for 13 years before getting married. Lots of health issues and other setbacks, but completely worth the wait. Our relationship still grows stronger and stronger. We've known each other for 20 years now. In that time, I've not said one unkind thing about her to a friend or anyone as she's not given me reason to.
I don't believe for one minute that everyone was happily married. They were just immersed in a culture than severely discouraged finding what one might need. Personally I MUST know what I'm getting into sexually before committing to a man. There is a lot at stake.
@@mfetterelliWhy is it terrible? My parents waited 9 years to get married and 34 years later they still are. People these days don’t value easily what they have and having sex seems to be treated as something more transactional rather than genuine connection. I see OP’s point very well.
Not terrible advice! I was curious about this post because not sure I am personally sold on marriage! I would say no sex until both can commit to a relationship outlined with expectations! But 🤷🏽♀️
This is pretty similar to my situation. But without kids and missing some of the juicy details. Where does she get her letters? I feel like I should Joint the reddit, if there's one for support. I am 3 years deep into mine now and just beginning the latest discard. But the story is so convoluted. But she keeps coming back to me to be her best friend. Even though we have a sexual history and record of me wanting a more affectionate relationship and having my heart broken several times. She keeps coming g back to lure me Into a friendship and then acts betrayed or like hiding things when she chooses to notice I clearly have feelings for her. The. She withdrawals for 2 weeks-6 months and attempts another friendship when my broken heart is starting to heal.
Thank you for watching! If you'd like to share your story and ask Anna a question, feel free to write an "Ask the Fairy" letter. You can do it from here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters Nika@TeamFairy
I'm only a min in, but I think it's much deeper than this. I KNEW I was being abused by my mother. I KNEW what she did wasn't right... But I had to take it to survive. My father on the other hand was the one always showing us "Love." He was the typical "Nice Guy"(Nice Guy Narcsisist) who had to have everything his way, or else it was rage. Usually his way meant "mommy had to be happy." So I would have a father who would be in his room working, 24/7, if not sleeping, and I barely saw my father outside of dinners or the occasional trip to the park. My father would rage because mom would interrupt him, but the "interruption" was because of us kids, or in reality, me, because I was the "Trouble maker." SHE never got in trouble, it was always me with raging father because dad was busy trying to make money and keep up surviving, while mom's busy raging. The thng is, Dad would always rage 1 moment, then the next time you saw him he was super cheery happy loving dad..... As I got older, into my 20's and 30's, I now see that this is how he is, after i now see him more often, and intereact with im more. He will rage out oat you, and the next time he sees you he will go "HEEEEY SWEEEETY," usually the next morning. It's completely messed up. This raging lunatic turns into a little fairy. All sweeet kind nad ready to grant you wishes.... Thisi swhat causes people to GET STUCK in these relaationships. It' steh fact that after agbuabusing you, they will go to being our "Best firend." I remember reading a story iwithin the last few days on one of these channels of a man who said his mother would beat him all sorts of ways, with her bag, hadn etc, and then he would say how she would always then say 'Mommy didn't mean to hit you so hard... Mommy didn't mean to push you so hard, etc etc" all while followed up with "here is some money for some candy, go to the store and get some candy." So this guy basically was trained to get abused, and hten after the abuse he would get a treat/reward....... It's no wonder people are so messed up.... And that i mostly because these people are our "pparents." N one acutaly wants to loose their parents.... . But hey mkae it so hard for us to love them. My father was my world, the center of my universe, my everything.... I no wojust look at him like he's just evil. And it's sad, because he will try to be "nice" at times, but i just cannot take his BS, because it's all about him. SELIFHNESSS. It's really bad because i even hate my father more htan my mother at this pint.. Sure my mother runned my mlifek was evil and abusive... BUT MY FATHER BETRAYED ME... BETRAYED MY LOVED... EVERYTHIGN... .HOW CAN I EVER FIFORGIVE SOMEONE WHO JUST FLAT OUT LIED TO ME AND ABUSED ME IN SUCH A WAY....? I ALWAYS WOULD SAY "IF ONLY HE KNEW ABOUT THE ABUSE HE'S DONG TO ME...." HE NEVER FKING CAREDC... DO YOU THINK HE EVER ASKED ME FOR MY SIDE OF THE STORY? DO YOUT HINK HE EVER CARED?? NOOOOOO ..... NO WAY! hE NEFER CARED.. IT WAS ALWAYS "YOU DID THIS, YOU DID THAT," EVITHOUT EVER ASKING FOR MY SIDE OF THE STORY, WHEN THE STORY AND EVERYTHIGN WAS BS LIES...... WICHICH WOULD JUST AFFECT ME BECAUSE I COULD NEVER BELIEVE THEM OR CONFIDE IN THEM BECAUSE HTEY NEVER BELIEVED IN MY.... SUCH EVIL SCUM.... I hate my mother for sure, but to be betrayed is really realy hard..... Momy mother was always evil an d awlays showed hate, even if she would do things for me, but my father always pretended to be nice, while ocvertly being evil.
@farfaraway97 It's not even just about not being heard, seen, or cared about... I had a mother who actively blamed me for causing issues in school, when I wasn't, and I was instead being bullied and picked on. A mother who threatened to send me away to military school at the age of 8. The trauma, fear, etc really hits you hard. It would have been okay if I was just neglected and was able to find my own way.... But I couldn't even do that, because if I tried to do anything outside what mommy wanted... It was game over from what I thought. Pure evil. Oh, and I was drgged with Ritalin starting at age 7, because I was "too hyper" (diagnosed with ADHD, but I'm learning more that ADHD coincides greatly with Trauma victims, so I probably just have truama sympoms). When I came crying to my mom after a little while, at age 7, to please stop this thing as it makes me feel awful and not feel good, and instead of caring, she starts yelling, screaming, and shouting at me that I'm causing problems for teachers and I have to take it. Again, pure evil. May the light vanquish the darknesss. I agree that I had parents who were negative and hated on others. Very racist at times and especially my dad would make weird comments. I personally do not hate anyone based on any physical traits, but I "do" hate everyone who is evil and who acts like this. I guess it's not really fair to say that, but anyone who is actively trying to hurt someone is not my friend or someone I want to be around. All the best to you, thank you for your comment.
If you need help learning to get along, look at some books, free in a library near you or on UA-cam videos or podcasts. Many are from liberals. I'm sure they're very welcome to help you.
This just happened AGAIN with my mother who has been shunning me for 20 years becsuse I left the Jehovah's Witness church. We reunited for about a yesr and I have been caring for my Dad who is in hospice. I was reading her some of my poetry from my absent years and one poem referenced the psin of being rsised in a cult. Then my oldest brother and her decided to shun me again and are not allowing me to see my father in his last days... Thus proving it to be a cult. It feels like being disfellowshipped all over again.
I am so sorry. I was also raised Jehovah witness and it is a crazy dooms day cult or a front for child abuse. That was my experience and it did so so damage to me. The shunning is cruel and damaging on the deepest level
*Take my free Daily Practice course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
*Join my Membership and access my private online community: bit.ly/CCF-Membership
*Visit my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com
*Order my new book RE-REGULATED here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2
*Have a question for me to answer on UA-cam? Write me here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you, Anna. I'm planning to join your next coaching sessions and order your book. I'm just learning to release the freeing of my suppressed emotions at the grand young age of 61, with your daily practice just now ❤️
Being single is such a breath of fresh air. Why is it so feared. If we all were comfortable in our aloneness, we wouldn’t choose such crappy partners
Exactly
I myself was abused as a child and watched my mother get beat up also. My life, married, divorced 4x. After many years of therapy. Hard to believe we hold onto those feelings for so long. But, there is hope with a good therapist and an open mind
Sorry to hear that. I guess we hold on the hope that one day things are better 😢
I don't use the word friendship with benefits anymore. It's not a friendship and there are no real benefits. It's an unsustainable situation. No judgement intended. Just discernment. Potential destruction and even death if it isn't stopped. I've been through it over and over again. I'm still struggling with letting go of unavailable people that look like they're available and then they're not... . I think a sign of my healing is I'm having trouble even following this story because it is so complicated and so traumatic to hear. But all I feel is empathy. Continue your work , Anna, and I will continue my own. Limerence needs to be studied until it's resolved in this world.
Friends with benefits are definitely NOT for traumatized people.
Simply delete it from your register ;)
I have found that focusing on trying to help other people with their problems is a way to avoid doing my own work. It’s easier to worry about someone else’s life (such as trying to help with their issues or supporting them through hard times) than it is tackle the inner work I need to do to recover from the trauma which I experienced as a child.
I’ve done this in a serial fashion. Trying to “help” somebody through extremely difficult situations. I give up so much to try to make their lives better, all the while, resenting it and not healing my own inner child.
I hope Roger can move away from this toxic relationship and find some inner peace. He deserves it.
Currently living out something similar. This video has given me the clarification and validation I needed to stop second-guessing myself.
We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you, I can use all of the encouragement I can get. :)
It's easy to second guess, but you should trust those doubts! You are picking up the right cues in this kind of situation
RUN FOREST, RUN! Remember that movie
Powerful video Anna - those trauma bonds can feel like we're dying when we start to sever them ❤
I'm in the beginning of attempt number gajillion and two to sever a codependent trauma bond with a narcissist with whom I've had a decade long destructive relationship. Your description of the process of detachment from those connections ("feeling like we're dying when we start to server them") hit the nail on the head. The way you articulated it is very relatable and pertinent for me right now.
Sometimes, just hearing someone say what I'm experiencing so intensely makes me feel understood and less alone. So i thank you; it's a reminder that these feelings are part of a process, and growth can be difficult and painful. But i know- intellectually- it will be worth it.
They really do
Roger might want to find a hobby like I have done with the model car building... Building self esteem without a relationship!!
He's coaching fitness classes.
Ana: “hmm hmm”. Every little sound and look says it all really.
In my own experience, FWB never works out because there's always usually one of us that is in love and the other has relationship issues.
I don't believe there was any friendship to begin with... No respect for Roger...
Thankyou for this Video. My Heart is broken right now from a Woman who repeatedly Breaks up with me after she says & I trust that she's learnt her Lesson that she's throwing such strong Love away. It's been 2 months & I'm done this time. But I'm still having a hard time Letting Go. I'm Worth it & Deserve a Relationship where the Rug doesn't get pulled Underneath me
Hang in there!
Nika@TeamFairy
you are a blessing to your generation
"our generation"
It’s okay Roger. The last woman I “got feelings for” is a recovered heroin addict and I found out she was she living 5 days a week with a guy who she used to date and has beaten the living hell out of her multiple times, beaten other women, threw one pregnant girlfriend to the floor and kicked her multiple times in the stomach, punched another pregnant woman in the face multiple times, (and with each of these women there were dozens of beatings that weren’t reported, burglarized his mother’s house, been to prison twice, and only lives with her 5 days a week because he is not allowed to be around her son (she had been getting her son 4 days a week but gradually he got it down to 2 days). She also said he’s cheated on her and she’s given him thousands of dollars, even though she busts her butt working as a server in a very busy restaurant.
And he’s 6 years younger than her.
But he lifts a lot of weights (she said he does steroids) and has six pack abs.
I’ve also gathered that he’s a moron with no personality and she’s one of the smartest, coolest, funniest, most subtle, sensitive, best conversationalists I’ve ever met.
It boggles the mind and really hurts to lose someone to that situation (and to “lose” to that person), hurting even more know know that he probably gets to be with her because of the effect of him abusing her.
Life will deal you some pain, and pain can make people more interesting. But it can also screw people up.
The women I’m always immediately attracted to for their personality have had a messed up background, and this attraction usually happens before I know that.
But they all have come with “baggage” that just can be accepted.
Best bet is to find a woman who is doing something with her life other than earning the most basic living she can and dating. And see red flags for what they are.
In my bad relationships there were always two dishonest people, her being dishonest with me and me being dishonest with myself.
Hi Anna 🙂
I have a question based off what you said at the end of the video when you mentioned how "those of us who have only experienced a lot of heartbreak have trouble believing things can get better."
My question for you is have you ever talked about (in a video, podcast, or a program we can buy) how you continued to have hope that you would find a happy relationship during the 10 years of being single you often reference before you met your husband? To many lucky people who easily can find a partner being single for 10 years is unthinkable but for use who are currently experiencing something similar it is hard to continue to have hope of one day finding love and getting married.
I love the Fairy Pencil!
I avoid relationships... Problem solved...
Not exactly.
I'm right there with you.
I am there… since 2009.
@@Cascadiawoodchippersociety❤this🎉
Ditto!
If she can't take care of herself... How can she take care of her kids??.. Let alone have a relationship??
With love ,thats how.acceptance is the first intoxicator❤
No one can take care of themselves, or their kids, strictly alone, without any relationships.
Life is much more complicated than that. It's not black and white, "can" and can't.
Further, in different areas of life and love (out of the eight of them), everyone has different abilities and sensitivities.
Life is always a sum total voyage.
Mindgames .... Walk away
It ain't easy.
But we keep trying.
The women AND men who keep multiple " partners spinning in their orbit often not openly, always confused me. One man, who i first dated in high school but we were broken up by his parents, came in and out of my life as a friend, then as we were both married still a friend to me and my husband. Ok. Years pass, my husband is gone, and old friend shows up at my door, hes divorcing, needs a place to stay. Ok, i let him have spare room. Hes working on his divorce. I can hear the lawyer calls etc. We finally for the first time in our 40s become intimate. We even travel together. I let down my guard and believed him. He left for a double shift ( cop), and was going to his divorced dads after. He vanished leaving all his uniform parts and clothes at my place. No call no contact. I called his shift supervisor to see if he was alive only, and get a mailing address. Sent a box to the police station of his stuff. Next time i heard about him, he had divorced butvwas engaged to a different woman. So much for the 30yrs we knew each other. Years later i returned from working outbof country, moved to a new small city, whonwalks into my ER but him, on duty. So hesxall apologetic., but hes NOW engaged tonthe cheifs neice and " needs his job". I said Fine. Left the room anytime he entered the ER. He married tnat person and after retirement, he moved far away. I had already left that town. How can a man deckare ubdying live from age 17 to 55yrs and never end up where he claimed his heart was? My conclusion? He loved the idea of me as true love but it wasn't real. But drove me nuts for years.
Called "phantasy bond".
And you played your part.
She might just need a backup dad and this is her way
You know, listening to this, I've just had an insight about the reasons that we cling. I don't think that it's that I have not had this insight before, in fact, I know that I have, but you know those moments where something that you already know hits you differently than it usually does? The reason why we don't let go when we clearly should, we don't walk away from people who are hurting us , we stay long-term limerant, is that on some level we know that the only people we are going to be powerfully drawn to and attracted to like that in a way that will have us just really into that person, and not constantly looking over our shoulders toward the past, is if we get together with just another person who has that same dysfunctional dynamic. And I think we know on some intuitive level that if we keep going through one of these people after the next, we are going to start to have a hard time making an excuse for the problem being these other people. People are going to start to say "Well you're the common thread so you're obviously the problem" and we're not going to have anywhere to hide from it, but if we keep going through the same problem with the same person, that situation isn't developing, and we get to hold onto our innocent victim status. Sooner or later, if we keep doing it with different people, it's been so many people with us as a common thread that these people, trust me, I know from experience, start to send up signals like they're innocent, and we're crazy (when in fact it is, and it always has been a joint effort). So it's almost easier just to narrow the number of people it is by not letting go and trying to learn your lessons and heal your disastrous wounds off of just a handful of people.
I'm not saying that any of us are conscious that that's or doing. I can tell you that that you don't really become conscious of that for a long time in some cases especially if you're like me. I learn slowly.
Very insightful.
Whatever it is that we need to learn, we seem to resist... it feels subconsciously like an existential threat.
@@julieannmyers8714
Yes, true.
@farfaraway97
That's a definite truth.
We all loop back to our childhood in some way. Bad childhood often subconsciously has us looking for bad relationships as adults mimicking the same pains.
Dear Crappy Childhood Fairy team,
many thanks, it was so helpful for me.
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
Too early ❤❤❤takes years to get through grief 18 months a widow no dating the thought makes me feel sick. I know it’s different for everyone…but 6 months. Definitely not 😮
😢😢😢we are all only human. Clinging to whatever we can after much loss & uncertainty.
My issues are with my two younger siblings. Both are alcoholics, without the drink. Both have significant mental and health issues. Lastly, they are hoarders and their homes are unbelievably dirty! I have to a large degree, pulled away. However, when an issue arises, I find that I try to fix it. I’ve been in therapy for 40 years. God help me! I want peace.
I had a brother with PTSD and alcoholism, both of our parents were alcoholics, and my mother was a hoarder (and a rager), so some similarities there. The thing that has helped me most is 12-step meetings from ACA. It didn't change the other people in my life but that was never really under my control anyway. It gave me a lot of clarity about better ways to manage my own life and not get dragged into the family drama as much.
Oh my dear Roger, she does not sound like a friend. She is using you. I can't help but wonder if she truly grieved the ex-BF but she is just playing with your heart. I encourage you to let her go and find somone who truly shows interest in you - fully expresses it and avoid anyone who does this to you. You may care for all she has gone through but she does not return the care and you deserve someone who does. "Nice Guy" is the same as "Cool Girl" and it kills your spirit.
Nice guy is that same as cool girl
Damn, thank you
Almost screamed at the gas station 😂
@@angelirizarry2666 🤣 Oh the looks that would generate. It was my first thought when he said "Nice Guy Syndrome" and how it plays out in the feminine role.
Wow!! I'm tired after that. It is SO PRECISELY what I jave recently come through. It can be do much better!!
6:15 I needed to hear that, thanks
Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I recommend CODA for Roger... Like me he is a codependent...
I wouldn't recommend it.
It's almost an autistic atmosphere there. Very cult-like. For me, it was a creepy experience.
Yes Anna,
Thats how my childhood development was....
I was in a relationship like this but was able to move on in the end and now I’m so happy and I feel better I don’t have to deal with that person anymore who always would bring me down and made me miserable and hurt me good luck to that person because he’s jealous and insecure I know I’m attractive and I’m good looking they are missing something.
Dang, this one hit close to home..
Ahh, this sucks and hurts. Different emotions hit me like ocean waves. I know what I need to do, now I just need to get off my ass and do the work.
I have it with my mother. Its very very complicated but im living with her and my narcissistic abusive father out of necessity cutrently. She loves me to death and is kind and empathic...but when it comes to my trauma caused by relentless emotional and psychological abuse from my father who abuses her and my sister she doesnt care.She let us be subjected to so much shit, I helped her with so much over the years in everything even with my illness,10 times over what my father ever did for her, supported so so much and gave up alot for her, financially too and stupidly trusted her but now that we are moving and i cant bring myself to live with him any further in another home she wants me out of the way living on my own( with no money or job or car because of my severe mental illness and only recently recovering from serious addiction) so she can continue living with him despite his abuse while at the same time now wanting to claim carers allowance for my severe mental illness.....but i wont even be living with her and she wants me to go with nothing and still claim off my illness, shes done similar things in the past but i foragve her cause of HER trauma.... im prob going to end up homeless cause i cant take more from my father and she refuses to listen to that or accept it at all. I am so scared and so hurt and made a huge mistake of sticking by her and trusting her and that id be ok. Total trauma bond
Thank you for sharing your experience with us! Sending you our support!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣❣💛💛💛💛💖💖
HI Anna or your team. Have you any videos about dealing with emotions regarding siblings that a person's disconnected from and has cut contact with. I had a conversation with the only brother out of three that I have contact with. Talking about the two I don't have contact with has totally unearthed feelings of resentment that I'm struggling with today. I was just at a place where I've felt a bit of peace thanks to your videos but need help with these new emotions.. Thank you ❤
You may find these videos helpful:
ua-cam.com/video/ONDoS8knA2Y/v-deo.html
ua-cam.com/video/AkkBG6Tpg5o/v-deo.html
ua-cam.com/video/Bw3MNeQqdE0/v-deo.html
-Calista@TeamFairy
These two seem like a toxic combination. Doomed from the start. He sounds co-dependent and she sounds borderline
Um, what about the actual children in this as opposed to the adults with crappy childhoods?
save her??? white knight / damsel - Archetype pair
Just a question? Why does this " friendship" make this man think that she owed him anything
I bet the "friends with benefits" was HIS idea. He's skillfully ommitting saying whose idea it was because he was the one who came up with it.
Men who refer to themselves as "nice guys" tend to be highly entitled, they prey on vulnerable women and expect sex from them. It's a huge red flag.
It’s sad because now that I’m out of the trap of desperation and trying to fill a void that I can see that a lot of people on here are unreliable narrators that want us all to believe these relationships are more special than they are.
Your comment is fire. How did you escape “the trap”?
@@user-gv1zi2vn1k you are honest with yourself and your situation. The person you’re projecting these feelings onto you isn’t the projection but someone else entirely. Also recognizing that if someone can go “no contact” that they don’t actually love you…or at least not enough to be the one. I found someone else once I deleted social media and made myself move on from delusional thinking.
It's interesting how she is calling the shots
No sex before marriage, period. If they're not willing to wait for you, then tell them to keep walking. Once the sex starts, the growth in the relationship stops.
There's a reason the older generations were married (happily, btw) for 40, 50, 60+ years. When we started dating, we asked all of the happy couples in our church what made things work for them and emulated their relationships. And we've been fully rewarded. We dated for 13 years before getting married. Lots of health issues and other setbacks, but completely worth the wait. Our relationship still grows stronger and stronger. We've known each other for 20 years now. In that time, I've not said one unkind thing about her to a friend or anyone as she's not given me reason to.
Terrible advice. Absolutely terrible.
I don't believe for one minute that everyone was happily married. They were just immersed in a culture than severely discouraged finding what one might need.
Personally I MUST know what I'm getting into sexually before committing to a man. There is a lot at stake.
@@mfetterelliWhy is it terrible? My parents waited 9 years to get married and 34 years later they still are. People these days don’t value easily what they have and having sex seems to be treated as something more transactional rather than genuine connection. I see OP’s point very well.
Not terrible advice! I was curious about this post because not sure I am personally sold on marriage! I would say no sex until both can commit to a relationship outlined with expectations! But 🤷🏽♀️
@@mfetterelli Terrible advice? So I'm looking at getting an airplane. What does my wife say? DO IT! and that *SHE* wants the Pliatus! She's a keeper!
If you have zero respect for yourself, why should others respect you?
This is pretty similar to my situation. But without kids and missing some of the juicy details.
Where does she get her letters?
I feel like I should Joint the reddit, if there's one for support.
I am 3 years deep into mine now and just beginning the latest discard.
But the story is so convoluted.
But she keeps coming back to me to be her best friend. Even though we have a sexual history and record of me wanting a more affectionate relationship and having my heart broken several times. She keeps coming g back to lure me Into a friendship and then acts betrayed or like hiding things when she chooses to notice I clearly have feelings for her.
The. She withdrawals for 2 weeks-6 months and attempts another friendship when my broken heart is starting to heal.
Thank you for watching! If you'd like to share your story and ask Anna a question, feel free to write an "Ask the Fairy" letter. You can do it from here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
Nika@TeamFairy
I'm only a min in, but I think it's much deeper than this.
I KNEW I was being abused by my mother. I KNEW what she did wasn't right... But I had to take it to survive.
My father on the other hand was the one always showing us "Love." He was the typical "Nice Guy"(Nice Guy Narcsisist) who had to have everything his way, or else it was rage. Usually his way meant "mommy had to be happy."
So I would have a father who would be in his room working, 24/7, if not sleeping, and I barely saw my father outside of dinners or the occasional trip to the park.
My father would rage because mom would interrupt him, but the "interruption" was because of us kids, or in reality, me, because I was the "Trouble maker."
SHE never got in trouble, it was always me with raging father because dad was busy trying to make money and keep up surviving, while mom's busy raging.
The thng is, Dad would always rage 1 moment, then the next time you saw him he was super cheery happy loving dad.....
As I got older, into my 20's and 30's, I now see that this is how he is, after i now see him more often, and intereact with im more. He will rage out oat you, and the next time he sees you he will go "HEEEEY SWEEEETY," usually the next morning.
It's completely messed up. This raging lunatic turns into a little fairy. All sweeet kind nad ready to grant you wishes....
Thisi swhat causes people to GET STUCK in these relaationships.
It' steh fact that after agbuabusing you, they will go to being our "Best firend."
I remember reading a story iwithin the last few days on one of these channels of a man who said his mother would beat him all sorts of ways, with her bag, hadn etc, and then he would say how she would always then say 'Mommy didn't mean to hit you so hard... Mommy didn't mean to push you so hard, etc etc" all while followed up with "here is some money for some candy, go to the store and get some candy."
So this guy basically was trained to get abused, and hten after the abuse he would get a treat/reward.......
It's no wonder people are so messed up....
And that i mostly because these people are our "pparents." N one acutaly wants to loose their parents.... . But hey mkae it so hard for us to love them.
My father was my world, the center of my universe, my everything.... I no wojust look at him like he's just evil. And it's sad, because he will try to be "nice" at times, but i just cannot take his BS, because it's all about him. SELIFHNESSS.
It's really bad because i even hate my father more htan my mother at this pint.. Sure my mother runned my mlifek was evil and abusive... BUT MY FATHER BETRAYED ME... BETRAYED MY LOVED... EVERYTHIGN... .HOW CAN I EVER FIFORGIVE SOMEONE WHO JUST FLAT OUT LIED TO ME AND ABUSED ME IN SUCH A WAY....?
I ALWAYS WOULD SAY "IF ONLY HE KNEW ABOUT THE ABUSE HE'S DONG TO ME...." HE NEVER FKING CAREDC... DO YOU THINK HE EVER ASKED ME FOR MY SIDE OF THE STORY? DO YOUT HINK HE EVER CARED?? NOOOOOO ..... NO WAY! hE NEFER CARED.. IT WAS ALWAYS "YOU DID THIS, YOU DID THAT," EVITHOUT EVER ASKING FOR MY SIDE OF THE STORY, WHEN THE STORY AND EVERYTHIGN WAS BS LIES...... WICHICH WOULD JUST AFFECT ME BECAUSE I COULD NEVER BELIEVE THEM OR CONFIDE IN THEM BECAUSE HTEY NEVER BELIEVED IN MY....
SUCH EVIL SCUM....
I hate my mother for sure, but to be betrayed is really realy hard..... Momy mother was always evil an d awlays showed hate, even if she would do things for me, but my father always pretended to be nice, while ocvertly being evil.
@farfaraway97 It's not even just about not being heard, seen, or cared about... I had a mother who actively blamed me for causing issues in school, when I wasn't, and I was instead being bullied and picked on. A mother who threatened to send me away to military school at the age of 8. The trauma, fear, etc really hits you hard. It would have been okay if I was just neglected and was able to find my own way.... But I couldn't even do that, because if I tried to do anything outside what mommy wanted... It was game over from what I thought.
Pure evil.
Oh, and I was drgged with Ritalin starting at age 7, because I was "too hyper" (diagnosed with ADHD, but I'm learning more that ADHD coincides greatly with Trauma victims, so I probably just have truama sympoms). When I came crying to my mom after a little while, at age 7, to please stop this thing as it makes me feel awful and not feel good, and instead of caring, she starts yelling, screaming, and shouting at me that I'm causing problems for teachers and I have to take it.
Again, pure evil.
May the light vanquish the darknesss.
I agree that I had parents who were negative and hated on others. Very racist at times and especially my dad would make weird comments. I personally do not hate anyone based on any physical traits, but I "do" hate everyone who is evil and who acts like this. I guess it's not really fair to say that, but anyone who is actively trying to hurt someone is not my friend or someone I want to be around.
All the best to you, thank you for your comment.
Being positive without teaching us how to get along with each other, that seems to be the bigger picture we are in, thanks liberals.
Nonsense.
If you need help learning to get along, look at some books, free in a library near you or on UA-cam videos or podcasts. Many are from liberals. I'm sure they're very welcome to help you.
This just happened AGAIN with my mother who has been shunning me for 20 years becsuse I left the Jehovah's Witness church. We reunited for about a yesr and I have been caring for my Dad who is in hospice. I was reading her some of my poetry from my absent years and one poem referenced the psin of being rsised in a cult. Then my oldest brother and her decided to shun me again and are not allowing me to see my father in his last days... Thus proving it to be a cult. It feels like being disfellowshipped all over again.
I am so sorry. I was also raised Jehovah witness and it is a crazy dooms day cult or a front for child abuse. That was my experience and it did so so damage to me. The shunning is cruel and damaging on the deepest level