reminds me of something i read on a fan-story website... some people were playing D&D over internet chat while drunk or tired. one guy was trying to fix a broken door, but kept failing. someone else TRIED to say, "how can you F**K up so badly while trying to fix a door? i don't know what he ACTUALLY said, BUT this led to one character getting stuck with the nickname "doorf**ker"!
I had this happen once it was a talking door and he rolled a net 20 with 20 charisma it was very funny to watch our dm try to figure out what to do he later seduced an alligator
"...your tiefling dad is more well-endowed than even the bard who owns the tavern. Congrats, we all know how he's pleasing his triton wife." "No you may not in fact dribble the dwarf like a basketball." "Roll Constitution at disadvantage to see if you can in fact drink a dwarven bard under a table after having drank with your parents."
"You can now run faster than a Porsche 911 Turbo!" Same character later ended up dislocating both of our bard's shoulders as he accelerated while holding the bard's shirt
"Let me sum it up: you want to shoot at the guy, who is a good 500 metres away, while you're at the top of a 30 meter tall pine tree, with a twohanded plasma rifle, while holding onto the tree with nothing but your thighs. If you still think it's a good idea, roll to-hit." It was a Fallout campaign I GMd, and got capsized pretty early, but it did produce some memorable moments, as I made no effort to curb sillyness. And by the way, this loon actually crithit the guy.
The one about weaponizing Hutt porn had me bursting out in laughter. Imagine trying to gun down a rebellion only for the display to suddenly show the grossest porn in the galaxy.
"You successfully burn down the orphanage with the octopus mob boss inside." I was DMing, please don't ask about this headache. Edit: Alright, fine. I was DM'ing a a party of two rogues. Their job was to investigate suspicious happenings of seafood and drugs around this "Cartel." I introduced a few nuns that ran this orphanage for some flavor and interesting content. Fast forward an hour and they're beating up this boss and his goons. The fight was really going the party's way, so the boss tried to flee. He ran out of a backdoor and into an alley that led to the orphanage hoping to use a hostage to buy his escape. When he ran in the rogues followed soon behind. I really wanted this guy to survive as a mustache twirling pawn for the BBEG. But when the rogues got to the door, they barred it and lit the place up like a Christmas tree. *WITHOUT checking to see if little orphan Annie was still inside the fucking building.* Anyway, the boss was turned into Yanagidako and one orphan died (I rolled a d4) the reason these two lil fuckers didn't get caught? The orphan was new to the orphanage and had no records, they succeeded their stealth checks against the guards and got away...And that ladies and gentlemen, is how two rogues committed war crimes and got away with it. Now if you'll please excuse me, I have another headache.
5:00 I love when these stories audibly *break* the narrator. Hearing the exact moment that the narrator realizes the joke/punchline makes infinitely funnier.
“I know what I said earlier, but yall can’t romance the capitalist skeleton” (and shortly after) “YOU CANT FUCK THE SKELETON CAPITALIST” “Roll for sandcastle building I guess?”
DM: So, are you going to cross the gap? Me: (looking at my character sheet)No, i going to brew some tea! DM: Wait, what? Me:(not having great luck with rolls) Yes, my wizard is going brew some tea! DM: Okay, roll for it. Me: rolls a 19. DM: "Well, after making your dank-ass looking tea, it turned out really great, and healed the party members who drank it for 10 hp."
Last session our group killed a character we weren't supposed to kill and my druid who was wild shaped into a giant snake decided to just Vore it to hide the evidence... that's my lowest point rn tbh
I had a party member who kept abducting goblin slaves, though uh, what he did to those pour souls was worse in some ways. He used one as a shovel to dig the pour bastard's grave right in the middle of town. The goblin reasonably did not survive this ordeal.
“Please stop rolling for dick size.” 2d4 plus charisma modifier for medium sized species. Add (or subtract) a d4 from the roll for each size level higher or lower.
@@ericb3157 there was one story (maybe in a mr ripper video, don’t remember) where the players dragonborn barbarian wanted to know size and one of the players said the 2d4 plus charisma. I added the additional bits to make it more rule sound-y.
Had this happen last night. Party enters a room with a chest clearly guarded by some soon to be animated objects, one of which is a piano and some other instruments. Naturally the party members start playing their hearts out and all fail their performance checks spectacularly until it is the clerics turn on the piano. Nat 20, ok you start shredding like Elton John, everybody gets a laugh and out of respect for the nat 20 I gave the cleric proficiency on the piano. Eventually the party opens the chest triggering the furniture in the room to spring to life and attack. The cleric asks if he can talk the piano into joining their side because they just had such a tender moment together. Sure why not, try to sway the mindless animated piano. Nat 20. Heavy sigh, ok you have successfully seduced the piano.
I posted this under your first video on this topic a few hours ago, so I repeat it here. :-D (sigh) "Aaaaaalright, just give me a second, I need to figure out if an Owlbear can be impregnated by a horse." (Session 0) "So... So you basically want to have explosive diarrhea in front of the king to 'prove a point'?" "Congratulations, you successfully drowned the fish." "... I don't care for your nat 20, you cannot slam a revolving door!" "One does not simply stole the church's bell." (That was actually a player) "(...) and while you'r at it, add the princess to your inventory." *everyone stares* "Ah, no, wait, I mean-" *frantic scribbling* "No, it is absolute not considered lawful good to slay soldiers with their own queen as a makeshift weapon." "FFS, Frank, this is NOT an Anime, you can NOT have a magical chainsaw that turns you into a magical girl, so CUT IT OUT!" "Well, if you put it that way, zombies in fact can fall into alcoholism." "I don't think painting your toenails pink will help you with that bounty..." (PC to another PC) "You've successfully overthrown the commandstructure of the schoolyard." (In a fantastc spin-off-session in where we all played our characters but are transported to a modern japanese-inspired school. Think of Isekai Quartett.) "I thought it was clear, but now you force me to mention the princess is only around 12, so..." "Yeah, the bandit's captain is most definitly impressed by your crude drawn d*ck on the toiletdoor." Edit: It was all from one campaign, order is loosly timely.
@@CodaBlair Well, the pun was on purpose, but since some german phrases cannot be translated literal into english without loosing the context. He said "Lass es, sonst säge ich dich ab!" wich would literally translate to "Stop it, or I'll saw you down!" Since the meaning of this phrase is to punish someone very hard verbaly in german, it won't make the cut in english. I remembered my english teacher back in school who often would use the phrase "cur it out!" if someone is pulling shenanigans during the lessons. So I decided to translate more freely. :-D
@@oz_jones It may not mean a critical success for an attack roll, but a natural 20 is stop a very high roll and makes it an incredibly likely success unless it has a DC of 25 or above or something.
"so, you dug a pit trap for a flying creature?" -that reminds me of a scene in the Yu-Gi-Oh manga where "jonouchi" (joey wheeler) tried to use a "spiked pit" trap card against a flying creature... it LITERALLY knocked him on his butt!
I remember realizing a fun way to kill enemies regardless of how strong they were, generally. My character had a Bag of Devouring and could cast the spell Polymorph. So, when confronted by an enemy I would sometimes just polymorph them into a painted turtle, walk up to them, and stuff them into the Bag of Devouring. They would be consumed by the horrible entity and undoing the polymorph would not save them from that. So I just had a bag I fed turtles too and the DM didn't know how to stop me
@@liberationnation3924 but i'm referencing a full quote: "On a routine dig for dinosaur fossils, a landslide broke out and nearly broke my leg in two! The doctors had to operate quick, so they used the dinosaur bone I found to save my leg! ever since, I've had what's known as Dino DNA."
My Dragonborn Paladin comes from a village hidden within a mountain’s cave system, and while it’s never been relevant to the story I always had a background backstory for his village in that they had creation myths based around dinosaurs, and that that’s the reason why my character is so fascinated and loves dinosaurs. Maybe you could do something similar
I was DMing for some of my friends once. I decided since they were new, we would do some basic fighting before the campaign so they could get the hang of things. They were off the rails. One kept trying to summon magic axolotls (she rolled a damn nat20 so i let her) and then once successful start "world war III with axolotls" in the hopes that the little tiny goblin they were attacking could get caught in the crossfire in the warzone and one kept trying to summon floppas. The one summoning floppas had TERRIBLE luck. She only rolled more than like a 10 once or twice the entire session. I said she had to roll a nat 20, because she wasn't playing a magic user and summoning animals was above her paygrade (the other girl was a druid so i let her summon the axolotls). I basically just said that she knew a floppa call to get their attention. She got tunnel vision. Every turn, she didn't attack the goblin, even after her teammate died, she just tried to tame floppas. No floppa. So, i said, she had done this so many times she had angered the entire species and now all floppas hate her and when she tries to call for one, it will bite her and run off, and she'll loose hp. TL;DR I had to say "ok. Now the entire speices of floppa hate you and they bite you every time you summon them. Now can you please attack the goblins instead of trying to summon floppas?"
I had once a Tiefling warlock with 20 charisma cheese through a campaign using Thaumaturgy and an illusion spell. The finished lost mine of Phandelver without even knowing about the thieves, went in and out of the goblin castle with the dwarf, and he convinced 4 bugbears that he was an upper Devil and got them to join the party. When they arrived at the boss, he saw the 4 bugbears and surrendered. I had say, "You successfully took over all of the minions of this wizard, you now have 200 goblins, a goblin king, a tribe of bugbears, and the wizard as your bitches."
A comment for the quote at 10:30 Had a big dumb barbarian Tortle also try to cook and eat a dead zombie's rotting flesh, it did not end well lol. He also made a bat kabob after killing a bunch of bats, impaled on his morningstar of a weapon.
"Good lord, As you try to convince the principal with your mischievous deeds he stares for a quick moment and nods his head at you subtly enough only for you to notice." My player rolled a Nat 19 trying to convince their school principal to have intercourse, It was their first time playing and it was a oneshot. I also had them roll a performance check and I remember that they rolled a nat 18. Thats how we ended the oneshot and I could not have been more surprised-
in a campaign I was co-DMing for, a character tried to betray the party by poisoning one of his allies. this was later into the campaign so the person whom he tried to poison survived, but barely. the person who tried to betray was surrounded by 4 high level characters. ended up saying "you get past them, but you're going to take 10 opportunity attacks." he did not survive those attacks
"So, you want to kill the prisoners, that you just freed, and use their blood to summon a devil?" "Yes." "Ok. While this is happening what are you doing." "I'll watch."
My player rolled a nat 1 on a death save and asked if that took away two points. I said “I don’t know I haven’t decided yet. You’re the first person I’ve had die.”
'We made friends with the rat collective, so they can seize the means of production.' explaining what we did that didn't involve murder last night to the city guard.
Fucking hell, the zombie flesh cooking reminded me of my best friend's worst D&D experience. It came to a head as a result of the EXACT SAME CHOICE OF ACTION.
This whole video is just the narrator dying over people having to say stupid things and I LOVE IT. God I love DnD Reddit, because you will always find something funny.
oh, that last one reminded me of a cutesy, yet VERY violent, graphic novel called "i hate fairyland" by Skottie Young. the protagonist had been stuck in Fairyland for over 27 years. (most kids find their way back home in ONE DAY) she finds a weird vehicle that looks like a van with a rocket engine one the back. someone tells her that it needs fuel, and the closest thing they have is dragon urine. then a little boy, who is stuck in a dragon costume, shows up... suffice it to say, they didn't make it home.
Totally stealing this story to add here because it's perfect: After being told by the NPC they could have a magical statue that changes it's face to reflect whomever is looking at it from a short distance if they take it with them as they leave. There were a few failed strength checks and the druid decided to try talking to the statue to convince it that it wanted to go with them and should make itself lighter. "roll persuasion" "nothing happens, it's a bust."
High/low rolls can make even the best laid plans either amazingly executed, or having things go down in a blaze of glory. Amazing stories though, in their own strange right. xD
I once played back in school and I was a cleric and we had just killed some goblins. I, for no dang reason decided to skin them. Afterwards one of my party wanted to wear the skin (wtf?). So the DM said "You now blinded from the goblin's blood" so we had a blind wizard and a crazy cleric. Fun times :).
"No, Seikatsu is not star level." "Listen. I'm not being a weirdo, it's plot relevant!" "Unnatural tentacles, if you will." "So basically I'm emotionally blackmailing this child."
"You sucessfully hit the carrion crow with the other carrion crow." "Amara, now" - Amara (paladin) picks up Mazaki (our nobleman bard in the middle of arguing with an mpc) and carries him down the hallway... Mazaki's angry cries echo in the distance." "The fox bursts into fits of laughter and falls out of the tree." "...I will fight triangle guy in an epic smackdown." "Anyone need a lynx? I happen to know a gentleman." "The scrolls attack you Maz." "Is the chicken still in your shirt? (My character is the chicken)" Grimdark: "Amara, do you see what I see?" Amara: "Oh yeah, I see the hole." "BEWARE THE LANGUAGE OF THE FLOWERS!!!" (Maz then proceeds to overpay for a piece of tabaxi jewlary sold by a sweetalking salesman). Grimdark: "Well, I guess I don't need this anymore" (proceeds to pull massive venemous centipede out of backpack, aka my shapechanged albino quasit Precious Goletha Smegelle The First, Last, and Only).
I have a similar story to the second one: We were up against the BBEG (more the final boss, I guess you could say), a jabberwocky. The jabberwocky is asleep, and the party decides: "Hey, we have a transmutation potion! What's it do?" It had a chance of changing the consumer into either a giant toad, or a giant dragonfly. Our rogue sneaks up on it, then rolls a really good sleight of hand to make the jabberwocky drink the pot without waking up. It turned into a dragonfly, which the entire party teamed up on to shove it into our bag of holding. It could fit, but took up all the space. Once the potion wore off, the jabberwocky regained its initial size, destroying the bag of holding from the inside, and sending itself to the astral plane. We voided the *ENTIRE* final boss fight with a bag of holding. New campaign, our DM won't let us have a bag of holding.
"No, you can't have sex with the Myrkul pristess, it would make you fall" (talking to a paladin) His response "I ain't gonna marry her, I just wanna bang her" "No, cooperating with evil in any way is against your code."
"you have killed the kraken with your tree" reminds me of a VERY old text adventure: "congratulations! you have successfully killed a dragon with your bare hands! unbelievable, isn't it!"
One I had a "dm" say that that was more of a "I can't believe he said that and we have to hear it" was we were fighting a troll I think, he goes to swing and rolls a nat 1, dm with low levels of creativity just says "he swings so hard he trips, falls, and impales himself to death on his own dick" -_- One I as a DM did have to say to my players was basically "you eat the meatball, save vs. orgy" when the alchemist created hallucinogenic aphrodisiac meatballs and shared with everyone, he was just mixing stuff together and didn't know what he made so ... savings throws were made.
This video was really good. Here's a line I said to one of my players: "So now the only part of your body that isn't invisible is your respiratory system."
oh, i just remembered a gag in an old videogame RPG, i think it was "the dark heart of Uukrul": i told my characters to listen at a door to see if they can tell if there are monsters lurking... "one character puts his ear to the door, BUT another one Breaks Wind loudly..."
30 and I am finally accepting and love myself. It took some help and a lot of work. And I still have bad habits to work out but you are right dude. Good vibes man.
Me:"You look up, and see a glass box, containing an unusually shaped sword." Player: "Can I roll a perception check?" NAT 20. Me: You peer at it, and see the phallic sword. Player wanted a phallic sword, so I gave him a phallic sword. That was also a lovely little illusion that resulted in a cardboard kunai being thrown at me. My players are all teenagers.
My group has an entire discord chanel for quotes, here's some gems: After a false incarnation of Nyarlothotep tried to kill a concubine as revenge for us foiling his plans, but failed due to repeated castings of the Stablize cantrip- "You're a god, you can't kill one hooker?" "So long my questionable sexual orientation comes with a free firearm, I'm golden." -Our sorcerer to our Archlich necromancer who has previously built 3 separate undead Kaiju monsters, launched a corporation that was basically "I can't believe it's not Necromancy", and just dropped a church on 3 squads of baddies: "You have been a lot less subtle lately." (Name of my ratfolk artilery speced gunslinger) has officially been a bad influence on demons. -Hanspur (pathfidner diety) "Every elf is expected to grit their teeth and bang their wives" "Throwing acid at a pregnant girl? What is this, Britain?" the barbarian: "I'm not a total barbarian" Rogue: "He's Multiclassing" "Our hardness is now fuck you, due to magic" The only context I'll give you is (Armored plating + Magically Treated Hull = fun times)
that last one somehow reminded me of one i read about: the game allowed upgrading armor but the cost depended on the size... so a clever player got some armor for his pet CHICKEN, and was able to upgrade it to an ABSURD extent (i'm talking 100+ damage REDUCTION), THEN had the chicken carry a large bomb into the enemy lair... [BOOM] "the chicken survived."
"Congratulations, traveling at Mach 1, you have completed around a week's worth of travel in a few minutes. On the upside, the party has been reunited. On the downside, your cart begins to fall apart and catch fire."
*dramatic sigh* "You somehow manage to charm chthulu and you get married 4 years later, and you keep the magical healing cow[don't ask] as a pet and live happily for the rest of time and then some."
"You stab the goblin on a wheelchair." As a person in a wheelchair, the use of "on" instead of "in" seems to me like it would imply stabbing the wheelchair itself.
Our Druid has super long pink hair and the mindflayer trying to eat her brain rolled a crit fail, ended up choking to death on her hair, and the Druid got a much needed haircut 😂
"Yes, you can seduce the door." Roles 16 "The door does not reply.
reminds me of something i read on a fan-story website...
some people were playing D&D over internet chat while drunk or tired.
one guy was trying to fix a broken door, but kept failing.
someone else TRIED to say, "how can you F**K up so badly while trying to fix a door?
i don't know what he ACTUALLY said, BUT this led to one character getting stuck with the nickname "doorf**ker"!
"This door is top high leveled"
I had this happen once it was a talking door and he rolled a net 20 with 20 charisma it was very funny to watch our dm try to figure out what to do he later seduced an alligator
“The silence treatment”
On a 20, I'd just make the door a mimic, have it fall for the character, and then it would try and stay with the character.
“When the dice are on the players side, crzy things can happen.”
After seeing another party weaponizing Hutt porn, I can beleive that.
How many times have you seen this?
@@eliasainsworth9436 Not enougth. One time I saw a guy jumping from an airship onto a gryphon rider, wrestel the rider and tamed the beast.
@@florians9949 That is quite insane, with I could play DND with you guys.
Someone won a staring contest with the sun.
A-Another?
"If you guys get another dragon addicted to cocaine"
Man that has to be a very different kind of dragon hoard he's sleeping on.
The fact that it says "another dragon" means that the group has done that at least once before
"...your tiefling dad is more well-endowed than even the bard who owns the tavern. Congrats, we all know how he's pleasing his triton wife."
"No you may not in fact dribble the dwarf like a basketball."
"Roll Constitution at disadvantage to see if you can in fact drink a dwarven bard under a table after having drank with your parents."
I think these stories should also be in the video, the dwarf one is really hilarious.
I uh wtf😂
"You can now run faster than a Porsche 911 Turbo!"
Same character later ended up dislocating both of our bard's shoulders as he accelerated while holding the bard's shirt
"Let me sum it up: you want to shoot at the guy, who is a good 500 metres away, while you're at the top of a 30 meter tall pine tree, with a twohanded plasma rifle, while holding onto the tree with nothing but your thighs. If you still think it's a good idea, roll to-hit."
It was a Fallout campaign I GMd, and got capsized pretty early, but it did produce some memorable moments, as I made no effort to curb sillyness. And by the way, this loon actually crithit the guy.
of course the tree-humper got a crit. lol
The one about weaponizing Hutt porn had me bursting out in laughter. Imagine trying to gun down a rebellion only for the display to suddenly show the grossest porn in the galaxy.
"You successfully burn down the orphanage with the octopus mob boss inside." I was DMing, please don't ask about this headache.
Edit: Alright, fine. I was DM'ing a a party of two rogues. Their job was to investigate suspicious happenings of seafood and drugs around this "Cartel." I introduced a few nuns that ran this orphanage for some flavor and interesting content. Fast forward an hour and they're beating up this boss and his goons. The fight was really going the party's way, so the boss tried to flee. He ran out of a backdoor and into an alley that led to the orphanage hoping to use a hostage to buy his escape. When he ran in the rogues followed soon behind. I really wanted this guy to survive as a mustache twirling pawn for the BBEG. But when the rogues got to the door, they barred it and lit the place up like a Christmas tree. *WITHOUT checking to see if little orphan Annie was still inside the fucking building.* Anyway, the boss was turned into Yanagidako and one orphan died (I rolled a d4) the reason these two lil fuckers didn't get caught? The orphan was new to the orphanage and had no records, they succeeded their stealth checks against the guards and got away...And that ladies and gentlemen, is how two rogues committed war crimes and got away with it. Now if you'll please excuse me, I have another headache.
Too bad. I’m asking about this headache
Is it weird to say, I've heard this before. Except one of the players was soon killed by one of the orphans later in game.
That.
That's not necessarily bad.
You didn't say if the orphans were in the orphanage. It could just be the loss of a home.
Hi.
How's your headache?
@@some_goomba Better now. Thanks.
"You manage to convince the Lich that you are one of his undead commanders"
he lies about his name as well and calls himself Pickolas Cage
5:00 I love when these stories audibly *break* the narrator. Hearing the exact moment that the narrator realizes the joke/punchline makes infinitely funnier.
What's a "Cotton eye Joe"?
“I know what I said earlier, but yall can’t romance the capitalist skeleton” (and shortly after) “YOU CANT FUCK THE SKELETON CAPITALIST”
“Roll for sandcastle building I guess?”
Was the sandcastle roll just straight INT or did you use Performance? Assuming you played 5e
@@oz_jones it was performance. And they got a nat 1 lmao
What game was this
@@plantainsame2049 dnd
@@rosecarlene7275 no idiot like how many campaigns ago... or what it's name was, if it had one.
DM: So, are you going to cross the gap?
Me: (looking at my character sheet)No, i going to brew some tea!
DM: Wait, what?
Me:(not having great luck with rolls) Yes, my wizard is going brew some tea!
DM: Okay, roll for it.
Me: rolls a 19.
DM: "Well, after making your dank-ass looking tea, it turned out really great, and healed the party members who drank it for 10 hp."
Last session our group killed a character we weren't supposed to kill and my druid who was wild shaped into a giant snake decided to just Vore it to hide the evidence... that's my lowest point rn tbh
Damn, that's messed up.
😂I mean it works , I just summon bugs to eat the evidence never thought of eating it myself but thanks for the idea
Oh yeah, that reminds me, I need to play a Dragonborn vore Druid sometime
@@sapphiredraggytheflygon8521 Ha! Nice!
Well now you know one of the Druid’s fetishes, congratulations!
"Please stop making Goblins your sex slaves." I stopped DMing that group.
I had a party member who kept abducting goblin slaves, though uh, what he did to those pour souls was worse in some ways. He used one as a shovel to dig the pour bastard's grave right in the middle of town. The goblin reasonably did not survive this ordeal.
@@mrshadowcristalI was about to ask if he was still alive. That answered two questions.
Do you happen to still have that group's contact info? Asking for a friend.
Horny group it seems
One of the main sources of income for my party is intercontinental sex trafficking, so maybe we have different standards for our tables...
“Please stop rolling for dick size.”
2d4 plus charisma modifier for medium sized species. Add (or subtract) a d4 from the roll for each size level higher or lower.
For tiny, absolute minimum is a fifth your character’s size.
THAT sounds vaguely familiar...
@@ericb3157 there was one story (maybe in a mr ripper video, don’t remember) where the players dragonborn barbarian wanted to know size and one of the players said the 2d4 plus charisma. I added the additional bits to make it more rule sound-y.
I'd go with 3d4 as the base because adding a modifier implies the possibility of a negative dick.
rolling for dick size is my preferred method of deciding who is the leader of the party
"If you guys get another dragon addicted to cocaine...." I want to know more! I need this story!
I think my favorite story was the first one, it was hilarious.
It’s thins kind of story where you want to vizualise what is happening but your brain knows that he won’t survive this.
@@florians9949 You: I wanna visualize what Hutt porn is like!
Your 🧠: Hello darkness, my old friend 🎶
@@Raziel312 I am the darkness. *proced to put back ‘edglord for dummies’*
@@florians9949 Could I perhaps borrow that book, I might need it for our game tomorrow. I am terrible at writing villains.
@@eliasainsworth9436 No! mine! CHREEE!
Had this happen last night. Party enters a room with a chest clearly guarded by some soon to be animated objects, one of which is a piano and some other instruments. Naturally the party members start playing their hearts out and all fail their performance checks spectacularly until it is the clerics turn on the piano. Nat 20, ok you start shredding like Elton John, everybody gets a laugh and out of respect for the nat 20 I gave the cleric proficiency on the piano. Eventually the party opens the chest triggering the furniture in the room to spring to life and attack. The cleric asks if he can talk the piano into joining their side because they just had such a tender moment together. Sure why not, try to sway the mindless animated piano. Nat 20. Heavy sigh, ok you have successfully seduced the piano.
reminds me of a fan-story where someone made friends with "the living gazebo" monster...
What the f…….
I posted this under your first video on this topic a few hours ago, so I repeat it here. :-D
(sigh) "Aaaaaalright, just give me a second, I need to figure out if an Owlbear can be impregnated by a horse." (Session 0)
"So... So you basically want to have explosive diarrhea in front of the king to 'prove a point'?"
"Congratulations, you successfully drowned the fish."
"... I don't care for your nat 20, you cannot slam a revolving door!"
"One does not simply stole the church's bell." (That was actually a player)
"(...) and while you'r at it, add the princess to your inventory." *everyone stares* "Ah, no, wait, I mean-" *frantic scribbling*
"No, it is absolute not considered lawful good to slay soldiers with their own queen as a makeshift weapon."
"FFS, Frank, this is NOT an Anime, you can NOT have a magical chainsaw that turns you into a magical girl, so CUT IT OUT!"
"Well, if you put it that way, zombies in fact can fall into alcoholism."
"I don't think painting your toenails pink will help you with that bounty..." (PC to another PC)
"You've successfully overthrown the commandstructure of the schoolyard." (In a fantastc spin-off-session in where we all played our characters but are transported to a modern japanese-inspired school. Think of Isekai Quartett.)
"I thought it was clear, but now you force me to mention the princess is only around 12, so..."
"Yeah, the bandit's captain is most definitly impressed by your crude drawn d*ck on the toiletdoor."
Edit: It was all from one campaign, order is loosly timely.
Was the chainsaw thing a pun on purpose or accidentally? (cut it out)
@@CodaBlair Well, the pun was on purpose, but since some german phrases cannot be translated literal into english without loosing the context. He said "Lass es, sonst säge ich dich ab!" wich would literally translate to "Stop it, or I'll saw you down!" Since the meaning of this phrase is to punish someone very hard verbaly in german, it won't make the cut in english. I remembered my english teacher back in school who often would use the phrase "cur it out!" if someone is pulling shenanigans during the lessons. So I decided to translate more freely. :-D
@@larreization Cut it out in English essentially means to tell someone to stop doing something usually aggressively so I'd say that works.
@@CodaBlair Oh, okay, my english isn't that proficient to tell the exact difference, but i'm glad to *ahem* make the cut.
@@larreization in Pathfinder you're magical girl with a chainsaw player could literally build that character, no problem.
“Yes, you can bite the wizard’s rat familiar.” The rat had a single hit point. It died and disappeared.
"You want to, _tame_ the Grick?" I had already described it as a betentacled rock-snake with a beak.
Fucking Nat 20's man.
Nat 20 means fuck all outside of combat
@@oz_jones I didn't want to ruin the sanctity of that roll, especially considering they wasted 200 gold and 15 minutes to plan the strategy.
@@oz_jones lol, sure if you want to be a chud.
Most DMs understand the benefit of honoring nat20s for extra narrative fulfilment.
reminds me of a video by "puffin forest" where one of his players Polymorphed a KRAKEN into a CAT, then later made friends with it!
@@oz_jones It may not mean a critical success for an attack roll, but a natural 20 is stop a very high roll and makes it an incredibly likely success unless it has a DC of 25 or above or something.
"so, you dug a pit trap for a flying creature?"
-that reminds me of a scene in the Yu-Gi-Oh manga where "jonouchi" (joey wheeler) tried to use a "spiked pit" trap card against a flying creature...
it LITERALLY knocked him on his butt!
For me it's gotta be
"You cast the spell, piss and shit flying everywhere."
Literally or figuratively?
@@Tribozom They cast a spell to use hurricane force winds in the middle of a sewer. It was very literal.
"you have successfully vored the corpse. Roll constitution"
Do you mean gored the corpse?
@@Tribozom Nope.
I remember realizing a fun way to kill enemies regardless of how strong they were, generally. My character had a Bag of Devouring and could cast the spell Polymorph. So, when confronted by an enemy I would sometimes just polymorph them into a painted turtle, walk up to them, and stuff them into the Bag of Devouring. They would be consumed by the horrible entity and undoing the polymorph would not save them from that. So I just had a bag I fed turtles too and the DM didn't know how to stop me
I'm trying to find a way to make an NPC talk about how they have "Dino DNA" as an elaborate reference to Yu-Gi-Oh! GX.
Or Dino Squad
or jurassic park
@@liberationnation3924 but i'm referencing a full quote: "On a routine dig for dinosaur fossils, a landslide broke out and nearly broke my leg in two! The doctors had to operate quick, so they used the dinosaur bone I found to save my leg! ever since, I've had what's known as Dino DNA."
My Dragonborn Paladin comes from a village hidden within a mountain’s cave system, and while it’s never been relevant to the story I always had a background backstory for his village in that they had creation myths based around dinosaurs, and that that’s the reason why my character is so fascinated and loves dinosaurs.
Maybe you could do something similar
Actually you technically COULD use mayonnaise as a lubricant, but I can think of about 100 liquids, and a few solids, I'd sooner use.
I was DMing for some of my friends once. I decided since they were new, we would do some basic fighting before the campaign so they could get the hang of things. They were off the rails. One kept trying to summon magic axolotls (she rolled a damn nat20 so i let her) and then once successful start "world war III with axolotls" in the hopes that the little tiny goblin they were attacking could get caught in the crossfire in the warzone and one kept trying to summon floppas. The one summoning floppas had TERRIBLE luck. She only rolled more than like a 10 once or twice the entire session. I said she had to roll a nat 20, because she wasn't playing a magic user and summoning animals was above her paygrade (the other girl was a druid so i let her summon the axolotls). I basically just said that she knew a floppa call to get their attention. She got tunnel vision. Every turn, she didn't attack the goblin, even after her teammate died, she just tried to tame floppas. No floppa. So, i said, she had done this so many times she had angered the entire species and now all floppas hate her and when she tries to call for one, it will bite her and run off, and she'll loose hp.
TL;DR
I had to say "ok. Now the entire speices of floppa hate you and they bite you every time you summon them. Now can you please attack the goblins instead of trying to summon floppas?"
But...but...floppa...
I had once a Tiefling warlock with 20 charisma cheese through a campaign using Thaumaturgy and an illusion spell. The finished lost mine of Phandelver without even knowing about the thieves, went in and out of the goblin castle with the dwarf, and he convinced 4 bugbears that he was an upper Devil and got them to join the party. When they arrived at the boss, he saw the 4 bugbears and surrendered. I had say, "You successfully took over all of the minions of this wizard, you now have 200 goblins, a goblin king, a tribe of bugbears, and the wizard as your bitches."
"You may have poisoned your ally, but at least you can use that elixir against the mammoths" Me while GMing Ironsworn.
9:17 ANOTHER dragon? Has that group gotten dragons addicted to cocaine before?
_sigh_ “You approach the Dread King and ask him for his autograph.”
Man, I wish I was half as creative as these guys.
A comment for the quote at 10:30
Had a big dumb barbarian Tortle also try to cook and eat a dead zombie's rotting flesh, it did not end well lol. He also made a bat kabob after killing a bunch of bats, impaled on his morningstar of a weapon.
"Roll to see if the mustard gas gave you superpowers"
*Natural 20*
"Congratulations! You are now super dead, becaurse its mustard gas.
"Roll a d8 for length and a d4 for girth" *rolls an 8 and a 1*
"... And as you peg the dhampir, spoony steve yells "crikey! Right in me down under!"
"Good lord, As you try to convince the principal with your mischievous deeds he stares for a quick moment and nods his head at you subtly enough only for you to notice."
My player rolled a Nat 19 trying to convince their school principal to have intercourse, It was their first time playing and it was a oneshot. I also had them roll a performance check and I remember that they rolled a nat 18. Thats how we ended the oneshot and I could not have been more surprised-
in a campaign I was co-DMing for, a character tried to betray the party by poisoning one of his allies. this was later into the campaign so the person whom he tried to poison survived, but barely.
the person who tried to betray was surrounded by 4 high level characters. ended up saying "you get past them, but you're going to take 10 opportunity attacks." he did not survive those attacks
The first story broke me 🤣
That space baby is either a reference to the latest season of Rick and Morty or they predicted Morty and Summer's giant space baby.
"So, you want to kill the prisoners, that you just freed, and use their blood to summon a devil?"
"Yes."
"Ok. While this is happening what are you doing."
"I'll watch."
The very first story in this video is still one of my favorite stories on the entire channel 🤣
"I roll to intimidate the rock" - Tiefling Paladin
My player rolled a nat 1 on a death save and asked if that took away two points. I said “I don’t know I haven’t decided yet. You’re the first person I’ve had die.”
'We made friends with the rat collective, so they can seize the means of production.' explaining what we did that didn't involve murder last night to the city guard.
Fucking hell, the zombie flesh cooking reminded me of my best friend's worst D&D experience. It came to a head as a result of the EXACT SAME CHOICE OF ACTION.
That hutt porn story had me in fucking stitches! Deadass I was literally CRYING from laughter for a good few minutes afterwards (and during ofc)!
“You can’t play Pokémon with the dead villagers.”
Necromancer “what? Sure you can. Watch this!”
FINALLY, SOMEONE SPELLED IT RIGHT!!!
"You now have resistance against windmills"
Don Quixote: Good, good...
This whole video is just the narrator dying over people having to say stupid things and I LOVE IT. God I love DnD Reddit, because you will always find something funny.
oh, that last one reminded me of a cutesy, yet VERY violent, graphic novel called "i hate fairyland" by Skottie Young.
the protagonist had been stuck in Fairyland for over 27 years. (most kids find their way back home in ONE DAY)
she finds a weird vehicle that looks like a van with a rocket engine one the back.
someone tells her that it needs fuel, and the closest thing they have is dragon urine.
then a little boy, who is stuck in a dragon costume, shows up...
suffice it to say, they didn't make it home.
Totally stealing this story to add here because it's perfect:
After being told by the NPC they could have a magical statue that changes it's face to reflect whomever is looking at it from a short distance if they take it with them as they leave. There were a few failed strength checks and the druid decided to try talking to the statue to convince it that it wanted to go with them and should make itself lighter.
"roll persuasion"
"nothing happens, it's a bust."
That's why you need the tablet of kahmun-ra
Wishing for only victory one must be willing to bite the D. Proverbs of Tuo the Tortel monk.
Honestly, taking damage while attempting to throw it back is both hilarious and relatable.
I once said
You take 1 pissing off the dm damage
They sheet peeked during a puzzle
Yeah im sure that a gas station would have styrofoa- YOU'RE MAKING NAPALM! AGAIN
"No...! It's a... dwarven... fire tincture! That's it!"
He runs straight into the flaming wall of mayonnaise
Wtf!?
11:05 should have picked the oath of throwing it back paladin.
The best paladin
The best paladin
4:59 - Okay, this was beyond good.
"After 5 minutes; your greatest foe, *the door* lays slain before you."
"yes... your ostrich hits the blight mamba" - me, dm for one of my recent games
I did not need to hear "2 hutts one cup"
High/low rolls can make even the best laid plans either amazingly executed, or having things go down in a blaze of glory. Amazing stories though, in their own strange right. xD
I once played back in school and I was a cleric and we had just killed some goblins. I, for no dang reason decided to skin them. Afterwards one of my party wanted to wear the skin (wtf?). So the DM said "You now blinded from the goblin's blood" so we had a blind wizard and a crazy cleric. Fun times :).
"well there goes the multiverse..."
After the post with the back story of Cotton-eyed Joe, I started jamming out to the song Cotton-eyed Joe
"No, Seikatsu is not star level."
"Listen. I'm not being a weirdo, it's plot relevant!"
"Unnatural tentacles, if you will."
"So basically I'm emotionally blackmailing this child."
Wait! Did someone else make their awakened shrub in Rime of the Frostmaiden a bartender? That's what my player's did when I ran that campaign.
"You sucessfully hit the carrion crow with the other carrion crow."
"Amara, now" - Amara (paladin) picks up Mazaki (our nobleman bard in the middle of arguing with an mpc) and carries him down the hallway... Mazaki's angry cries echo in the distance."
"The fox bursts into fits of laughter and falls out of the tree."
"...I will fight triangle guy in an epic smackdown."
"Anyone need a lynx? I happen to know a gentleman."
"The scrolls attack you Maz."
"Is the chicken still in your shirt? (My character is the chicken)"
Grimdark: "Amara, do you see what I see?"
Amara: "Oh yeah, I see the hole."
"BEWARE THE LANGUAGE OF THE FLOWERS!!!" (Maz then proceeds to overpay for a piece of tabaxi jewlary sold by a sweetalking salesman).
Grimdark: "Well, I guess I don't need this anymore" (proceeds to pull massive venemous centipede out of backpack, aka my shapechanged albino quasit Precious Goletha Smegelle The First, Last, and Only).
Player: "I want to piss in the corner"
Old wereraven: 😳
I want to know what the demon was laughing at.
DM. "Ugh..... You successfully manage to launch the turask at the god."
I have a similar story to the second one: We were up against the BBEG (more the final boss, I guess you could say), a jabberwocky. The jabberwocky is asleep, and the party decides: "Hey, we have a transmutation potion! What's it do?" It had a chance of changing the consumer into either a giant toad, or a giant dragonfly. Our rogue sneaks up on it, then rolls a really good sleight of hand to make the jabberwocky drink the pot without waking up. It turned into a dragonfly, which the entire party teamed up on to shove it into our bag of holding. It could fit, but took up all the space. Once the potion wore off, the jabberwocky regained its initial size, destroying the bag of holding from the inside, and sending itself to the astral plane. We voided the *ENTIRE* final boss fight with a bag of holding. New campaign, our DM won't let us have a bag of holding.
"No, you can't have sex with the Myrkul pristess, it would make you fall" (talking to a paladin)
His response "I ain't gonna marry her, I just wanna bang her"
"No, cooperating with evil in any way is against your code."
"you successfully seduce the guard and the homeless person next to him"
Added bonus
“You throw the woman WITH FLAMING HAIR into the pile of flame glass. You are vaporized instantly.”
"How many days has it been?"
"... It's been three hours."
"you have killed the kraken with your tree" reminds me of a VERY old text adventure:
"congratulations! you have successfully killed a dragon with your bare hands! unbelievable, isn't it!"
If it's magic imbuded.
That cotton Eye Joe joke hit home...
What's a "Cotton Eye Joe"?
"You are a very athletic corpse" - DM
One I had a "dm" say that that was more of a "I can't believe he said that and we have to hear it" was we were fighting a troll I think, he goes to swing and rolls a nat 1, dm with low levels of creativity just says "he swings so hard he trips, falls, and impales himself to death on his own dick" -_-
One I as a DM did have to say to my players was basically "you eat the meatball, save vs. orgy" when the alchemist created hallucinogenic aphrodisiac meatballs and shared with everyone, he was just mixing stuff together and didn't know what he made so ... savings throws were made.
That
is my new "Mistakes were made" phrase.
This video was really good.
Here's a line I said to one of my players:
"So now the only part of your body that isn't invisible is your respiratory system."
oh, i just remembered a gag in an old videogame RPG, i think it was "the dark heart of Uukrul":
i told my characters to listen at a door to see if they can tell if there are monsters lurking...
"one character puts his ear to the door, BUT another one Breaks Wind loudly..."
"No you can't steal a goblin" thats mine
They did not want to Kidnap a goblin they wanted to steal one
I do not envy the drones that have to clean up all that puke.
30 and I am finally accepting and love myself. It took some help and a lot of work. And I still have bad habits to work out but you are right dude. Good vibes man.
Me:"You look up, and see a glass box, containing an unusually shaped sword."
Player: "Can I roll a perception check?"
NAT 20.
Me: You peer at it, and see the phallic sword.
Player wanted a phallic sword, so I gave him a phallic sword. That was also a lovely little illusion that resulted in a cardboard kunai being thrown at me. My players are all teenagers.
"Okay...the ophanim is now joining in, and also singing "The Song that Never Ends"
My group has an entire discord chanel for quotes, here's some gems:
After a false incarnation of Nyarlothotep tried to kill a concubine as revenge for us foiling his plans, but failed due to repeated castings of the Stablize cantrip- "You're a god, you can't kill one hooker?"
"So long my questionable sexual orientation comes with a free firearm, I'm golden."
-Our sorcerer to our Archlich necromancer who has previously built 3 separate undead Kaiju monsters, launched a corporation that was basically "I can't believe it's not Necromancy", and just dropped a church on 3 squads of baddies: "You have been a lot less subtle lately."
(Name of my ratfolk artilery speced gunslinger) has officially been a bad influence on demons. -Hanspur (pathfidner diety)
"Every elf is expected to grit their teeth and bang their wives"
"Throwing acid at a pregnant girl? What is this, Britain?"
the barbarian: "I'm not a total barbarian" Rogue: "He's Multiclassing"
"Our hardness is now fuck you, due to magic" The only context I'll give you is (Armored plating + Magically Treated Hull = fun times)
that last one somehow reminded me of one i read about:
the game allowed upgrading armor but the cost depended on the size...
so a clever player got some armor for his pet CHICKEN, and was able to upgrade it to an ABSURD extent (i'm talking 100+ damage REDUCTION), THEN had the chicken carry a large bomb into the enemy lair...
[BOOM]
"the chicken survived."
7:20 Not with that attitude!
"Congratulations, traveling at Mach 1, you have completed around a week's worth of travel in a few minutes. On the upside, the party has been reunited. On the downside, your cart begins to fall apart and catch fire."
*dramatic sigh* "You somehow manage to charm chthulu and you get married 4 years later, and you keep the magical healing cow[don't ask] as a pet and live happily for the rest of time and then some."
Now I want to hear how he/she married freaking cuthlu
A really high charisma check. Flat 30 to be specific. And the wizard helped using subtle illusions to enhance attractveness.
Wow, so much mustard this time.
"You stab the goblin on a wheelchair." As a person in a wheelchair, the use of "on" instead of "in" seems to me like it would imply stabbing the wheelchair itself.
Maybe they were playing a swashbuckler?
“Ok, you rolled a ten, so the plesiosaur doesn’t learn ALL the lyrics to Hamilton but he gets the gist.”
"You have now, successfully, recruited another npc because the paladin thought they were cute, despite his oath saying he should be killing them."
Our Druid has super long pink hair and the mindflayer trying to eat her brain rolled a crit fail, ended up choking to death on her hair, and the Druid got a much needed haircut 😂
I had to tell my group a couple sessions ago “You can’t keep a human man as a pet”
"I don't care if you are a cleric you cannot revive the princess by 'sleeping' with her corpse"