When I was a kid my worth and love was tied to my accomplishments. Sometimes I'd lie about doing something super cool because I thought it would make people like me. I'll never forget the time a teacher stopped me and said "You know I think you're really cool for who you are - even if you hadn't done all those things". It was so validating and a subtle way of her letting me know that she knew I was lying, but understood why I was doing it and wasn't judging or looking down on me for it.
I’d like to thank you guys for talking about WHY kids lie. Nt children raised in a safe and supportive home don’t lie because they don’t need to, alot of us lie because we were punished for telling the truth. A lot of kids KNOW lying is bad, but it’s better then being screamed at, hit, or worse for telling the “wrong” truth (aka the one the adult didn’t want to hear)
“White” lies are very much developmentally appropriate in children, including those who are raised in safe and loving households. I appreciate the sentiment of your comment, as children who are unsafe can struggle with lying for lots of reasons, but in general a kid going through a phase of lying is not by itself a sign that they are ND or in an unsafe home. Lying is often used when other communication methods have eluded a child - e.g. if kids are craving connection or struggling with jealousy of a siblings attention, they may feign an “accident” in the hopes of having attention move back to them. Or they may lie about drawing on the walls even if their parents won’t get scary mad, because they don’t want a consequence (even if it’s a fair and gentle one!)
I grew up in fourteen foster homes, and I lied a lot. I couldn't even remember what I lied about and ended up saying, "yes, I lied," every time a foster parent said I lied. I felt so much humiliation and disgust for myself because I couldn't remember. Dissociation with foster kids is real, and as Laura said, it's more likely a trauma response.
My classroom has a no shame honesty policy. We never make a kid feel bad for lying and we always say thank you. It's genuinely hilarious when you ask a kid with O.D.D "did you start your assignment?" And they respond "yes... actually no, my bad, I was playing computer games" 😂
I wanted to chime in on what I've learned with my own child, which is not to take lying personally... but then I realized that probably isn't news to most people. My parents took lying so seriously that it was considered a permanent mark on our relationship and it was received as a betrayal or personal attack. Obviously, it's not so black and white, but it took me a while to learn.
I was in foster care and I was telling the truth about really bad abuse and wasn't believed until my sister who was not placed in foster care turned 18 and told she experienced the same kind of abuse and then it was like an omg! You were telling the truth all along! I told my abuse to police, therapist, foster parents, school professionals. People who should have believed me but didn't. And now I'm 36 years old and my therapist and case manager wonder why I don't feel comfortable telling them when or if I need something or need help. You truly inspire with these videos and wish you were my foster parent when I was younger
A few reasons I lied in an abusive home. Hope they can give you all some ideas about why children can lie. I lied an awefull lot as a child. 1 Undiagnosed autism. My behaviour was different then "normal" making people around me think I was lying when telling the truth and also thinking I was telling the truth when I was lying. Eventually I figured it was better to say what they wanted to hear then to try and explain a less likely truth and being punished for it. 2 Simply to avoid abusive punishments, both physical abuse and emotional abuse. 3 To make my parents not worry about me. There was no time and energy to deal with me, so I learned to just leave the impression that everything was fine with me so I didn't have to deal with either rejection or the backlash of my parents being overburdened. 4 To protect my little brother (with diagnosed autism). About the only thing worse about being abused myself, was seeing my brother being abused. So I would lie to take the blame off of him or shift the blame onto me. I would als act out if my father went after my brother and do something that would get me punished instead.
That's so sad. No child should be "dealt with". They should be loved, nurtured and raised with care. I'm sorry you felt that you weren't good enough and had to lie to be the version they wanted to know about.
You sound like the best sibling that your brother could ever have, you protected him even though you knew you would get punished. That is a great quality in siblings is protecting each other like that. I hope both of you are doing well both physically and mentally
Thank you all for the kind comments, we are both doing much better now. I did manage to mostly protect my brother and he is living on his own now and has a job. I was hit with a whole lot of PTSD though, but I have the kindest most patient partner that helped me trough it and am doing much better now. I am now trying to build a stable life so I can become a foster parent and use my experience to help other children out.
This is such an incredibly beautiful video. I was taught to lie my life - we were homeless and "living" out of jurisdiction from my school and I would have to lie to stay in a good school. I was only 7. My dad was a sex trafficker and my first memory was him trying to shoot my mom to death in front of me. By the time we were able to escape, I didn't even realize I was lying - about nothing at all. I'd lie if I thought the truth sounded like a lie or if someone would ask me questions about it. I was so scared that the truth was wrong and I didn't know why. The work you are doing is limitlessly beneficial, not just for foster parents and bio parents, but to kids and adults who never healed from their childhood.
Kids in general,the younger they are have different perceptions of what's happening around them. I remember my son grade K, telling me the bus driver got arrested. A cop stopped the bus to tell the driver to go a different route because of flooding. All the kids saw was a cop stop the bus. Not a lie,just a kid's perception!
This!! I still remember a four year old telling me that Princess Leia was naked in the third Star Wars movie (original trilogy). To her perception, that was the whole truth!!
Yep, plus kids often use the wrong words because they don't know the right words. Like "I got shot yesterday" and "I got a shot yesterday" mean the same thing to a young child, but wildly different things to an adult.
This is so good. One thing I've tried to do a lot when I work with kids is telling them ahead of time what *won't* happen when they tell the truth: I won't yell. I'm not going to take away things they care about or are looking forward to. I'm not going to hurt them. I also try to give them a bit of control, because lying can be a result of feeling out of control of the situation: do you want me to sit in the blue chair or on the floor while you tell me? Do you want to sit or stand? Do you want to hold this pillow? As a kid I got really good at lying for a number of reasons, and it's a skill that, though has served me well, I'm sad I had to develop at all.
These are good tips and ideas I will be taking to heart. My sibling was a big liar and it was to avoid getting in trouble and to be right. I don't want to give my child similar fears and I've been noticing a story change when I call him out on something he did wrong. Gotta rethink and return my strategy a bit.
@@reysquadron7820 an approach I've seen from some other social media parents that might help a child who doesn't have a trauma history is they don't give the child an opportunity to lie. Instead of saying "did you eat the oreos?", they approach with "how come you ate the oreos?". If you know they did something and they know they did something, asking if they did it just sets them up. If you cut that part out and jump right to the "why?", you're modeling action, reason, and consequence for them. Action: you ate the oreos without asking. What was the reason? You wanted oreos. Why was that a not-so-great choice? Because the oreos are to share and we need to divide them fairly. What would have been a better choice? Ask mom if I could have some oreos. What should we do next time? Ask mom. What's an appropriate consequence? No oreos after dinner tonight, because you already had some today. Turning it into a dialog makes the situation solution based, not punishment based, and again, minimizes the opportunity for lying. This is courtesy of @ plesantpeasantmedia on UA-cam, if you're interested in more of her stuff. She has twin toddlers and a teen, so she has a great span of advice. It's natural for kids to want to avoid consequences, the goal is to make sure they don't fear them.
I like the point about giving them a chance to tell you where they would like you to be. It occurs to me that for a kid who is significantly smaller than the person parenting them, it could help a lot to have that person sitting down, especially sitting down at some level a little lower than them. Seems like it could feel a little less intimidating.
When I was a kid I had a serious problem with compulsive lying by middle school; I didn't even know why, I'd lie about things like what I had for lunch, things that didn't matter. With a lot of therapy, I figured out that it was because as a child, I was never believed when I told the truth (I'm autistic and anyone who's autistic can tell you it comes with a lot of your reality being denied). My grandmother had told my dad I was a "no good liar" shortly after I was BORN, and it really changed the way my parents treated me. After being told I was lying or making things up constantly as a kid, my concept of truth was all screwed up, because when I said something that was true, I was told it wasn't. I think that sometimes the kids who lie the most constantly are the ones who were gaslighted a lot or never believe when they were younger, so now they have no reason to tell the truth, or aren't even sure what "tell the truth" means because for me, it meant "tell them what they want to hear" and I had to guess what that was.
I remember watching clips of an Australian parenting show that discussed not punishing lying, because it encourages more lying and lying "better." Rather, the parents were to work and talk through lying problems with the kid - just like here!
This is so important! And please, if you're a teacher, social worker, or other adult working with children, if you have a child lying constantly, please realize that you're often dealing with someone who had to lie for so long to stay safe that they feel like they have no control over whether they're lying or not. Or, you just might not be viewed as a safe person to tell. A couple things you can do to help: 1. Keep your promises. If you say you won't be mad or tell their parents, DON'T. That's the #1 way to make sure a kid never trusts someone in your position again. 2. Set expectations. Be realistic when you make promises, and be specific. If you're promising not to tell their parents something if they tell you, specifically outline the exceptions beforehand, and tell them why you have to report those. "Legally, i have to report if you're planning to run away, hurt someone, if X is happening to you, etc." 3. Let them know you wont be mad or disappointed if they come back later and admit they lied. Like in the video, thank them for being brave. That's one of the ways kids can start to break the habit if they're in a safe place.
I was never in foster care, just regular old family. In situations where I was wrong I used to lie so I wouldn't get hit. In situations where I was right but maybe not "right enough" I used to embellish/exaggerate. It got to the point where even though I did everything right I couldn't just tell the facts, I had to include the whole background situation, my thinking at the time, the aftermath. I would literally be shaking and stuttering over my words. It sickened me, and made me hate myself for having no backbone. So glad I'm away from that person, but it's done it's damage I still catch myself doing it if I'm in panic mode. I consciously make an effort to stop myself from lying. Edit: Oh yeah, and lying when I knew the truth wasn't what they wanted to hear. It was honestly frightening to manipulate the person to be happy and calm the majority of the time. I knew exactly what to say to soothe their ego.
Thank you for this video. I was a huge liar as a kid because I was punished for telling the truth. Every time, my mom would start by saying "It's okay, you're not in trouble. I'm not going to yell at you or ground you, just tell me what really happened. I promise I'm not mad at you." Then I would tell her the truth and surprise surprise! She would get angry and yell at me and 9 times out of 10 I did end up grounded or with some other punishment (for example: i lied about a grade on a homework assignment once and my mom told me that it was alright, i could tell her anything, and that i wasn't in trouble and i wouldn't be punished. however, for the next few weeks it was "no, you don't get dessert today. only honest kids are allowed to get dessert." got to the point that when i really started struggling in school, i tried to hide it from her to avoid getting punished because i was afraid i would face consequences if i admitted i wasn't understanding my classes) i guess it's not that big of a deal but it did make me feel like i had to lie because i couldn't trust her word
One of my friend's kids has gotten in the habit of automatically lying when he does something he's not supposed to. I don't get the impression that he's lying to avoid a response, at least around me, his parents are reasonable and loving. For them, a "do-over" has really helped. It functions as a soft reset to emotions and the situation, and gives the little one time to think rather than just react. Then they go through the situation as it would have been if it were truthful, without anyone getting a consequence. I like it because it reinforces telling the truth. So, if kiddo sneaks an orange, they do a reset, and kiddo asks if he can have one before he takes one from the kitchen.
Thanks for the example, as initially I wasn't sure what you meant. That sounds like a great approach for a kid to be able to experience, here's what it can be like to tell the truth.
Also in some kids lying is just an outlet for creativity. I used to be a big liar as a kid, before my creativity was redirected to writing stories, participating in plays or playing table top role playing games.
The amount of emotional maturity you both share is amazing I think many people (sadly my parents fit this) are extremely emotionally immature/narcissistic. They shift the emotional responsibility on the child to care for their needs (ie don’t do this or it will make mommy/daddy sad) instead of being their for their child
I'll also add that if a child has been dissociated, a lot of the time they don't know what happened and may even be confabulating. When I was younger, I would say things that sounded plausible when asked how school was, but in actuality I had been dissociated since the first bell rang.
Thank you. We have had to do some patient work with our fosters. Unfortunately they were abused even more when telling the truth where they came from because it was a different narrative from what the biological was saying. It has been a rewarding battle in our home to show love and that the truth is always important. It has been amazing to watch them grow and find confidence in truth.
I was never in foster care but I have ADHD that was only recently diagnosed and come from a mildly abusive home. Lying is something I still struggle with and am only as an adult figuring out how to unlearn. I lied mostly to hide my ADHD symptoms because when I was young if my dad found out first I would get my ass slapped and with my mom (and also my dad once I was a teenager) I would turn into screaming matches. I would lie to teachers so they would not call my parents. I would even lie to my only true support system, my grandparents, because I was afraid I would lose the one place I truly felt safe. I bet foster kids who trust you and feel safe around you but still choose to lie, do so out of this exact fear. I encourage parents and foster parents to never get mad at a kid for lying and to avoid punishing them for lying or the thing lied about. Instead help them figure out how to avoid/solve whatever the original issue was so they have one less reason to lie in the future.
How would you handle a situation where the child has memory issues? When I was a kid, my emotional trauma caused me to have blank patches, so a lot of the time I genuinely wouldn’t remember how something happened. I would get accused of saying/doing things, and then accused of lying about not knowing what people were talking about. I got a reputation for lying at school, and then adults wouldn’t believe me when I told them about my abuse. It got to the point where I still don’t know how many times I honestly forgot something, and how many times other kids were just lying to get me in trouble. And I still have a visceral fear of forgetting details of events, to the point that I obsess over them today.
@@sarah.s.flanagan Thanks❤️ I’m doing a lot better these days! It’s taken a lot of effort (and the privilege of therapy & some medication), but I’m in a better place now than I’ve ever been. The past is still disorienting in a lot of ways, bc those memories just never encoded properly. So I won’t ever know what really happened in the blank spots. But I’m able to trust myself NOW, and that makes a LOT of difference.
I think it needs to be said that foster children were in almost all cases living lies. Their families were often trying to stay one step ahead of child social services. These parents encourage and teach their children not to tell the truth and it’s a very scary unknown world to a child that enters foster care and are all of the sudden supposed to be truthful some children have such a distorted knowledge of where the truth begins that it requires them to learn a whole new set of rules. I once had a child that lied about absolutely everything even about what was served for lunch at school. She later explained to me that she wasn’t really sure what everyone was asking her to do when asked to tell the truth. Remember most foster children are not acting out they are simply doing what has been their normalcy. We as foster parents need to be very vigilant in being very honest about everything we say to the children by not being vague or making promises about things that may or may not happen and demand that social workers and therapist also do not give wishy washy information, for example do not tell a child that their mother is working on getting better when in reality they are still in the park buying drugs. Honesty is painful and hard to live with but the children learn with time it’s easier then trying to keep track of every lie that is told to cover up chaos. We should never punish children for something they have never learned is wrong. Our moral compass can only become their own when we lovingly show them day to day that the truth is ok.
Thank you for this. My parents had close calls with social workers, doctors, police, etc. but my parents always told me to trust no one especially at school. Now I’m in my late teens and everytime someone in authority talks to me seriously I get really stressed and often times when I have any sort of serious conversation I either lie, deflect, or stay quiet. This made me struggle in my teen years as I felt I had no one to talk to about my family and I fell into a deep depression for a while. It’s so good to see people showing that honesty can be rewarding and freeing, not stressful or scary ❤️
Katie thank you for sharing that. Remember you are relearning everything that was taught to you. It’s ok not to be sure where your moral compass even is. Be open to tell anyone of authority that you are not even sure what truth is because “truth” was adapted to whatever was needed at that moment. Truth and trust go hand in hand. Do not be hard with yourself ask for help in exploring truth give yourself little goals like always telling what you had for lunch. It sounds silly but by starting with this little task our foster daughter was able to learn to grasp reality and what truth really was. I wish you nothing but success!
@@Jane-xu5ul thank you so much Jane! I’m doing better now and getting away from my parents bit by bit. I hope one day to be a foster mom and a sports coach so I can be the person I needed when I was younger. ❤️
I'm so glad you wrote this. I found in my years in social services this is the number one reason why children in care lie. Their is always fear behind it in every case...or down right survival. I wish every state would make this video and your response a teaching tool for case managers and foster parents!
@@deanna5443 Thank you for sharing this with me. I am a foster mum that also works in social services. I know how being on both sides of the table can be. I often seen foster parents just angry about the lying and never thought that the children are so brainwashed they do not understand what truth is. This subject is always apart of our foster parents classes. And it should be a part of every fostering class.
i lied as a child a lot. i'm from strict orthodox christian family and i was scared of my father to the point of fainting. literally fainting. at the same time i loved him so much i was afraid to disappoint him even more than of his anger. so i lied just of literal horror, i know it'sa strong word, but that exactly how i felt. also i was a little neglected, so i lied to people because i didn't know how else i could get their sympathy and affection. and then i cried for hours because i was terrified that i'm going to burn in hell for lying. i was 6-9 yo. now as an adult i understand how messed up that was... if a kid is lying it doesn't mean they are "bad", there may be no ill intention behind that and they may just need help. When i grew up a little and became more confident in my safety i stopped lying completely.
I'm only 21 and not yet in a position where I could foster, but it has always been my dream to. Your content is always interesting, insightful and helpful! Thank you for all the advice and perspective you give
I used to lie because I just so desperately wanted what I was saying to be true, a combo of pressure to answer quickly and ‘correctly’, fear of failure rejection or punishment, and also sometimes I was just impulsive and rushing and didn’t give myself time to remember the real story. It really helped me to get given a non-judgemental second chance to say what ‘really’ happened. And yeh undiagnosed adhd
I lied to keep myself safe. I was scared of punishment. When I was a child, the people I lived with pretended they would burn me alive, even carried me to an oven to stuff me inside and I screamed my lungs out and struggled, thinking I was going to die. In short I was punished a lot. So I lied a lot, because I was scared of consequences, because I felt like I'm going to be k*lled. Even today as an adult when I make a mistake, I still think I should be k*lled for it. It became part of my inner workings. I'm not doing anything though, it's just in my head and stays there. I'm not lying much anymore. I stopped when I was in safer environments.
Just good parenting advice in general! I always say when a child can't get a need met directly, they get it met indirectly - through unacceptable behavior. The job, then, is to figure out what they need, and find acceptable means to get that need met directly.
They glossed over it a bit, but the top tip was not asking questions you already have the answer to. You're effectively asking the kids to lie to you. This applies to all parenting, not just foster parenting.
Good one to watch is Brian Post. He's a clinical psychologist who was in foster care who talks on this exact topic. One thing he said that always stuck with me. If a child who has experienced significant trauma from other people lies to you imagine this: You take a cookie. You are eating it and then the person who owns the cookie comes around the corner and asks, "Are you eating my cookie?" You look at them and see they have a gun in their hand. What do you do? You lie like crazy. Of course you're not eating their cookie! This is effectively what a child's brain does when caught doing something they shouldn't. They have to lie or they will die. That's what their brain is telling them. With this in mind, when a child lies to you and they have this kind of reaction you want to alleviate their fear. "We're ok. I'm not angry with you." It's a good idea if they are very fearful to walk away for a bit. This gives them a chance for their fear to reduce and also for them to get a little guilty. It's a normal reaction and it helps them to stop lying. When they come back you talk to them about it very calmly and reassure them that you still care for them. My boy still lies but he comes back 2 minutes later to tell me he was lying. I thank him for telling me and remind him that he knows I don't get angry with him. (This is a boy I can never raise my voice with) (This is different to lying about getting a good grade to get praise)
I mean, I remember when I was 4 and the teachers at my preschool blamed me for something, didn't believe me when I said I didn't, and branded me a liar 🥺
That was one thing I was wondering about! Our neighbours had three foster children (the younger two were my friends) and the youngest was a compulsive liar. While she didn't do it intentionally (my mom said from her appearance she likely had fetal alcohol syndrom which can explain a lot of her behavioral issues) it was a big strain on the family and I think the reason they quit fostering. I think a big part for her was that she had never learned healthy ways to get attention She was later taken out of the family because she claimed to have been physically abused (so many details of what she told were proven wrong, inconsistent or had evidence against them that this was very likely also a lie)
Dear (potential) foster parent, I'm coming to you to ask you to take on a tremendous responsibility. I'm asking you to take into your home, into your private space, and into your heart, a child who belongs to someone else. This child is not the bright shiny being portrayed in Lifetime movies or television commercials. This child has been hurt, and wounded, neglected, and injured. They have been injured deep in their soul - and while we hope those wounds will heal - there will always be scars. This makes the child act in ways you might not understand. They may stand toe to toe with you and yell they don't love you. But please know - they can't love you - loving got them abused in some way shape or form. They may leave a mess in their room - they may need repeated lessons in how to clean. Showing them once or twice is not going to undo the years of their life not knowing. You may find yourself building a relationship with them as you help them pick up their legos or picking up their dolls. They may not be grateful. I struggle with this one. I don't see why they should be grateful because we removed everything they knew and placed them in a home full of strangers. I don't understand why gratitude for a life of trauma and uncertainty is expected. Yes, you've given them a roof, and a hot meal, and they won't have to worry about being backhanded -or worse. But they also don't get to see their mother, father, possibly siblings, or their dog. They also don't know where home is. They just know this is not their home. They may lie. Please, please please do not ever tell a child (or that child's caseworker) that the one thing you cannot and will not tolerate is a lie. These children have lied to save their life. The one thing you are saying is not acceptable - may very well be the one thing that meant they didn't go to bed with a black eye. The one thing you cannot tolerate, may be the one thing that meant they didn't have to go to bed without dinner for waking up an inebriated parent. That one thing you find unacceptable - is made of the hardest substance - the strongest steel - the deepest hole they can find to protect their tender hearts so used to pain. Yes - they have to learn to not lie - but please understand where the lie is coming from. They know you want them to tell you the truth - but truth is scary when your world is colored with trauma. It may be - the one time they told the truth - they found someone like me taking them from their home and placing them in your home. Please understand - your ideal of truth is darkly stained by trauma induced tears. Please see the child that is in there. The child who won't stop talking is exploring the world through language and developing curiosity that may help them to be a scientist, or teacher, or social worker. The child who insists they are right about things - and challenge every morsel of information you give - may turn out to be a lawyer. The child who is so empathetic it almost hurts to watch them take care of their siblings, or their dolls may become a doctor. What annoying behaviors are actually skills are we seeing that may be the very thing that they will need to get them through life? Dear (Potential) foster parent - I need you to take care of this precious child. To teach them, to guide them, to protect them in a way that they understand is protection. I need you to see them - and see their trauma. This child may return home - or may wind up being adopted (by you, or others). Please return this child better than you found them - please don't add to their trauma. Some things can't be helped - I know that. But please help the things you can. And I'll be there - to talk - to cry - to love them with you. If we have to talk 5 nights a week about the homework completed the day before but not turned in and the lie about it - then we will talk 5 nights a week. If we need to find a different therapist then we will find a different therapist. I will sit at your kitchen table and you can tell me how much your heart hurts because this child who you have grown to love doesn't love you. I know this is hard - but they need you. I need you. Please take this child I'm offering you - and I will do my best to ensure that you have the things you need. A very tired, heart worn caseworker.
Sometimes kids are not lying. Sometimes they are telling the truth about professionals who are guilty of gross misconduct e.g, a psycologist carrying out an assesment whilst so stoned he was barely awake. The room was dark, curtains pulled. As soon as the door opened a thick cloud of very strong smelling cannibis smoke rolled out.
When I become a foster parent, I’m going to teach my kids to never violate someone’s trust, UNLESS their health and/or safety is at risk. For example, if a friend is struggling with an eating disorder and asks my child not to tell anyone. I’ll also tell them they may not always be liked for doing the right thing, but doing the right thing is more important.
I think it's important in that case to be up front about what you can keep in confidence and what you can't. And also to stress that if someone is doing something self-destructive, or someone is harming the person, you need to get others involved so that you and they can be part of the solution, not the problem. And offer to be a support person while the person who is being harmed talks to others (doctor, therapist, social worker) about it to get help. Its better if the request for help comes straight from the person being harmed instead of a third party.
I'm 23 and would like to be a foster parent. But I have also autism, so I don't know if I can be one. I've been watching your channel and saw a lot of good information however I live in Europe, so things can be different.
I'd also add that you should be careful to get the facts (as best you can) before assuming that the child has lied (or that the child is now telling the truth). A child who is coaxed/guilted into admitting something they didn't do (even if the person coaxing them is well-meaning) can wind up getting into a behavior pattern of lying in a different way -- and then it seems like the adults have the Right Answer in mind and the child has no option but to play along.
Don’t children lie for the same reasons adults do, for the same reasons we all do? Lying creates “another reality,” a protection. Lying is comforting, it’s self-soothing, it braces against rhe “harsh reality of life,”. it bides us time, it attempts to shield us falsely and to create a fantasy world where everything is “better” and “different.” With as much as adults lie, it seems strange not to understand childhood lies. It’s the same thing. At all stages of life, we lie to ourselves and to others.
Not necessarily. Children might lie because the punishment is so disproportionate to the infraction then lying is the best way. Alternatively the people they were around wanted them to lie for them. Adults lie to others sometimes to make them feel better about something or to hide something they've done.
Quick question…do you recommend being a foster parent when you and your spouse both work full time? I’d love to do more for my community but I don’t know if that’s a realistic option and I don’t want to be a failure for any child that’s under my care.
I was a single mom for about 9 years, and my father took care of my children while I worked, so they would be with family and not in daycare. If something had happened to me and my dad (illness or accident) that would cause them to temporarily go into foster care I would absolutely not want them placed with a family who would just send them off to a facility to be cared for by strangers 8+ hours a day. That would break my heart and be unbearable. I know people can work full time and still foster. My best friend is a single working mother, and she is fostering two little boys right now. That being said, depending on the trauma and issues the child/children are experiencing, I can't imagine being able to support and care for them in the way they need when you only see them for 30 mins in the morning before drop off and maybe 2 hours at night before bed. This would apply to children who are too young for school. With school-aged children, if you can be present before and after school (not placing them in after school care or forcing them to be latch key kids from 3pm to 6pm), then I don't see it being an issue.
I realise foster children are coming from very dysfunctional and sometimes toxic situations. But, lying for children when they get to a certain age is a sign of normal and healthy development. You should actually be more concerned if your child never lies. They actually have psychological problems that need addressing.
Our last foster daughter lied constantly and ended up being diagnosed as a sociopath. Our saving grace was that she was relatively low IQ and her lies were almost always easily dispelled by teachers, therapists, police officers, etc. If she had been a high IQ sociopath she would have wrecked our family. My favorite lie she told her teacher was when she told her she didn't get any sleep last night because there was a drive by shooting at our house the previous night. The teacher knew exactly where we lived (a guard gated high end community), so she thought it was hilarious, but even that seamly harmless lie caused lots of paperwork and meetings to determine that there had not been a drive by shooting at our house. She ended up aging out and moving on, but we have switched to an only boy household for a while because of that experience. We'll take suppressed emotions and violent outbursts any day of the week over a sociopathic girl.
Pathological lying always starts somewhere. Even if it continues past the initial trigger(s), the fact is that it doesn't come from absolutely nowhere. Address the needs, and the lying will go down. Might take some time due to factors like trust, but it will.
“Pathological” is a loaded term that implies judgment. It can label kids when it is 99.9% a learned survival behavior. It’s better to not even think that term.
When I was a kid my worth and love was tied to my accomplishments. Sometimes I'd lie about doing something super cool because I thought it would make people like me. I'll never forget the time a teacher stopped me and said "You know I think you're really cool for who you are - even if you hadn't done all those things". It was so validating and a subtle way of her letting me know that she knew I was lying, but understood why I was doing it and wasn't judging or looking down on me for it.
I’d like to thank you guys for talking about WHY kids lie. Nt children raised in a safe and supportive home don’t lie because they don’t need to, alot of us lie because we were punished for telling the truth. A lot of kids KNOW lying is bad, but it’s better then being screamed at, hit, or worse for telling the “wrong” truth (aka the one the adult didn’t want to hear)
This is so very important for adults to understand. Well said!
this statement is not true lol
@@bear6699 and why do you think that?
This. Kids don't generally lie for 💩's and giggles, there's usually a reason.
“White” lies are very much developmentally appropriate in children, including those who are raised in safe and loving households. I appreciate the sentiment of your comment, as children who are unsafe can struggle with lying for lots of reasons, but in general a kid going through a phase of lying is not by itself a sign that they are ND or in an unsafe home. Lying is often used when other communication methods have eluded a child - e.g. if kids are craving connection or struggling with jealousy of a siblings attention, they may feign an “accident” in the hopes of having attention move back to them. Or they may lie about drawing on the walls even if their parents won’t get scary mad, because they don’t want a consequence (even if it’s a fair and gentle one!)
I grew up in fourteen foster homes, and I lied a lot. I couldn't even remember what I lied about and ended up saying, "yes, I lied," every time a foster parent said I lied. I felt so much humiliation and disgust for myself because I couldn't remember. Dissociation with foster kids is real, and as Laura said, it's more likely a trauma response.
My classroom has a no shame honesty policy. We never make a kid feel bad for lying and we always say thank you. It's genuinely hilarious when you ask a kid with O.D.D "did you start your assignment?" And they respond "yes... actually no, my bad, I was playing computer games" 😂
I wanted to chime in on what I've learned with my own child, which is not to take lying personally... but then I realized that probably isn't news to most people. My parents took lying so seriously that it was considered a permanent mark on our relationship and it was received as a betrayal or personal attack. Obviously, it's not so black and white, but it took me a while to learn.
Oh yeah, mine were big on the "shame on you you're probably going to hell for lying god is angry" type of reaction
I was in foster care and I was telling the truth about really bad abuse and wasn't believed until my sister who was not placed in foster care turned 18 and told she experienced the same kind of abuse and then it was like an omg! You were telling the truth all along! I told my abuse to police, therapist, foster parents, school professionals. People who should have believed me but didn't. And now I'm 36 years old and my therapist and case manager wonder why I don't feel comfortable telling them when or if I need something or need help. You truly inspire with these videos and wish you were my foster parent when I was younger
As a kid who had to lie to protect my parent, it would make such a gigantic difference to have been met with empathy and compassion.
A few reasons I lied in an abusive home. Hope they can give you all some ideas about why children can lie. I lied an awefull lot as a child.
1 Undiagnosed autism. My behaviour was different then "normal" making people around me think I was lying when telling the truth and also thinking I was telling the truth when I was lying. Eventually I figured it was better to say what they wanted to hear then to try and explain a less likely truth and being punished for it.
2 Simply to avoid abusive punishments, both physical abuse and emotional abuse.
3 To make my parents not worry about me. There was no time and energy to deal with me, so I learned to just leave the impression that everything was fine with me so I didn't have to deal with either rejection or the backlash of my parents being overburdened.
4 To protect my little brother (with diagnosed autism). About the only thing worse about being abused myself, was seeing my brother being abused. So I would lie to take the blame off of him or shift the blame onto me. I would als act out if my father went after my brother and do something that would get me punished instead.
That's so sad. No child should be "dealt with". They should be loved, nurtured and raised with care. I'm sorry you felt that you weren't good enough and had to lie to be the version they wanted to know about.
You sound like the best sibling that your brother could ever have, you protected him even though you knew you would get punished. That is a great quality in siblings is protecting each other like that. I hope both of you are doing well both physically and mentally
Thank you for sharing this x I really hope you and your brother have found safety, and a measure of peace in both your lives
Thank you all for the kind comments, we are both doing much better now. I did manage to mostly protect my brother and he is living on his own now and has a job. I was hit with a whole lot of PTSD though, but I have the kindest most patient partner that helped me trough it and am doing much better now. I am now trying to build a stable life so I can become a foster parent and use my experience to help other children out.
Same...
Though my bro isnt autistic, hisbson is nonverbal now, and stuck in that same mess we were. CPS did NOTHING when i tried...
This is such an incredibly beautiful video. I was taught to lie my life - we were homeless and "living" out of jurisdiction from my school and I would have to lie to stay in a good school. I was only 7. My dad was a sex trafficker and my first memory was him trying to shoot my mom to death in front of me. By the time we were able to escape, I didn't even realize I was lying - about nothing at all.
I'd lie if I thought the truth sounded like a lie or if someone would ask me questions about it. I was so scared that the truth was wrong and I didn't know why. The work you are doing is limitlessly beneficial, not just for foster parents and bio parents, but to kids and adults who never healed from their childhood.
I hope you got away from your dad and never talked to him again. He sounds like a horrible person. I hope you are better now.
Kids in general,the younger they are have different perceptions of what's happening around them. I remember my son grade K, telling me the bus driver got arrested. A cop stopped the bus to tell the driver to go a different route because of flooding. All the kids saw was a cop stop the bus. Not a lie,just a kid's perception!
This!! I still remember a four year old telling me that Princess Leia was naked in the third Star Wars movie (original trilogy). To her perception, that was the whole truth!!
Yep, plus kids often use the wrong words because they don't know the right words. Like "I got shot yesterday" and "I got a shot yesterday" mean the same thing to a young child, but wildly different things to an adult.
This is so good. One thing I've tried to do a lot when I work with kids is telling them ahead of time what *won't* happen when they tell the truth: I won't yell. I'm not going to take away things they care about or are looking forward to. I'm not going to hurt them. I also try to give them a bit of control, because lying can be a result of feeling out of control of the situation: do you want me to sit in the blue chair or on the floor while you tell me? Do you want to sit or stand? Do you want to hold this pillow?
As a kid I got really good at lying for a number of reasons, and it's a skill that, though has served me well, I'm sad I had to develop at all.
When we were kids my stepmom would say all those things just to get the answer she wanted, and then take turns beating all of us. 😩
These are good tips and ideas I will be taking to heart. My sibling was a big liar and it was to avoid getting in trouble and to be right. I don't want to give my child similar fears and I've been noticing a story change when I call him out on something he did wrong. Gotta rethink and return my strategy a bit.
@@reysquadron7820 an approach I've seen from some other social media parents that might help a child who doesn't have a trauma history is they don't give the child an opportunity to lie. Instead of saying "did you eat the oreos?", they approach with "how come you ate the oreos?". If you know they did something and they know they did something, asking if they did it just sets them up. If you cut that part out and jump right to the "why?", you're modeling action, reason, and consequence for them. Action: you ate the oreos without asking. What was the reason? You wanted oreos. Why was that a not-so-great choice? Because the oreos are to share and we need to divide them fairly. What would have been a better choice? Ask mom if I could have some oreos. What should we do next time? Ask mom. What's an appropriate consequence? No oreos after dinner tonight, because you already had some today.
Turning it into a dialog makes the situation solution based, not punishment based, and again, minimizes the opportunity for lying.
This is courtesy of @ plesantpeasantmedia on UA-cam, if you're interested in more of her stuff. She has twin toddlers and a teen, so she has a great span of advice. It's natural for kids to want to avoid consequences, the goal is to make sure they don't fear them.
I like the point about giving them a chance to tell you where they would like you to be. It occurs to me that for a kid who is significantly smaller than the person parenting them, it could help a lot to have that person sitting down, especially sitting down at some level a little lower than them. Seems like it could feel a little less intimidating.
When I was a kid I had a serious problem with compulsive lying by middle school; I didn't even know why, I'd lie about things like what I had for lunch, things that didn't matter. With a lot of therapy, I figured out that it was because as a child, I was never believed when I told the truth (I'm autistic and anyone who's autistic can tell you it comes with a lot of your reality being denied). My grandmother had told my dad I was a "no good liar" shortly after I was BORN, and it really changed the way my parents treated me. After being told I was lying or making things up constantly as a kid, my concept of truth was all screwed up, because when I said something that was true, I was told it wasn't. I think that sometimes the kids who lie the most constantly are the ones who were gaslighted a lot or never believe when they were younger, so now they have no reason to tell the truth, or aren't even sure what "tell the truth" means because for me, it meant "tell them what they want to hear" and I had to guess what that was.
I remember watching clips of an Australian parenting show that discussed not punishing lying, because it encourages more lying and lying "better." Rather, the parents were to work and talk through lying problems with the kid - just like here!
This is so important! And please, if you're a teacher, social worker, or other adult working with children, if you have a child lying constantly, please realize that you're often dealing with someone who had to lie for so long to stay safe that they feel like they have no control over whether they're lying or not. Or, you just might not be viewed as a safe person to tell. A couple things you can do to help:
1. Keep your promises. If you say you won't be mad or tell their parents, DON'T. That's the #1 way to make sure a kid never trusts someone in your position again.
2. Set expectations. Be realistic when you make promises, and be specific. If you're promising not to tell their parents something if they tell you, specifically outline the exceptions beforehand, and tell them why you have to report those. "Legally, i have to report if you're planning to run away, hurt someone, if X is happening to you, etc."
3. Let them know you wont be mad or disappointed if they come back later and admit they lied. Like in the video, thank them for being brave. That's one of the ways kids can start to break the habit if they're in a safe place.
I was never in foster care, just regular old family. In situations where I was wrong I used to lie so I wouldn't get hit. In situations where I was right but maybe not "right enough" I used to embellish/exaggerate. It got to the point where even though I did everything right I couldn't just tell the facts, I had to include the whole background situation, my thinking at the time, the aftermath. I would literally be shaking and stuttering over my words. It sickened me, and made me hate myself for having no backbone. So glad I'm away from that person, but it's done it's damage I still catch myself doing it if I'm in panic mode. I consciously make an effort to stop myself from lying.
Edit:
Oh yeah, and lying when I knew the truth wasn't what they wanted to hear. It was honestly frightening to manipulate the person to be happy and calm the majority of the time. I knew exactly what to say to soothe their ego.
You too? People are way too easy.
Thank you for this video. I was a huge liar as a kid because I was punished for telling the truth. Every time, my mom would start by saying "It's okay, you're not in trouble. I'm not going to yell at you or ground you, just tell me what really happened. I promise I'm not mad at you." Then I would tell her the truth and surprise surprise! She would get angry and yell at me and 9 times out of 10 I did end up grounded or with some other punishment (for example: i lied about a grade on a homework assignment once and my mom told me that it was alright, i could tell her anything, and that i wasn't in trouble and i wouldn't be punished. however, for the next few weeks it was "no, you don't get dessert today. only honest kids are allowed to get dessert." got to the point that when i really started struggling in school, i tried to hide it from her to avoid getting punished because i was afraid i would face consequences if i admitted i wasn't understanding my classes) i guess it's not that big of a deal but it did make me feel like i had to lie because i couldn't trust her word
Yo mom was a liar! And also an abuser.
One of my friend's kids has gotten in the habit of automatically lying when he does something he's not supposed to. I don't get the impression that he's lying to avoid a response, at least around me, his parents are reasonable and loving. For them, a "do-over" has really helped. It functions as a soft reset to emotions and the situation, and gives the little one time to think rather than just react. Then they go through the situation as it would have been if it were truthful, without anyone getting a consequence. I like it because it reinforces telling the truth. So, if kiddo sneaks an orange, they do a reset, and kiddo asks if he can have one before he takes one from the kitchen.
Thanks for the example, as initially I wasn't sure what you meant. That sounds like a great approach for a kid to be able to experience, here's what it can be like to tell the truth.
Also in some kids lying is just an outlet for creativity. I used to be a big liar as a kid, before my creativity was redirected to writing stories, participating in plays or playing table top role playing games.
The trust it takes a child to tell the truth is priceless. The child is priceless!
Never Split the Difference (by a former FBI hostage negotiator) is oddly an amazing book for parenting too. It's based in empathy and listening.
The amount of emotional maturity you both share is amazing
I think many people (sadly my parents fit this) are extremely emotionally immature/narcissistic. They shift the emotional responsibility on the child to care for their needs (ie don’t do this or it will make mommy/daddy sad) instead of being their for their child
I'll also add that if a child has been dissociated, a lot of the time they don't know what happened and may even be confabulating. When I was younger, I would say things that sounded plausible when asked how school was, but in actuality I had been dissociated since the first bell rang.
Two amazing foster parents making content together? I'm here for it!
Thank you. We have had to do some patient work with our fosters. Unfortunately they were abused even more when telling the truth where they came from because it was a different narrative from what the biological was saying. It has been a rewarding battle in our home to show love and that the truth is always important. It has been amazing to watch them grow and find confidence in truth.
I was never in foster care but I have ADHD that was only recently diagnosed and come from a mildly abusive home. Lying is something I still struggle with and am only as an adult figuring out how to unlearn. I lied mostly to hide my ADHD symptoms because when I was young if my dad found out first I would get my ass slapped and with my mom (and also my dad once I was a teenager) I would turn into screaming matches. I would lie to teachers so they would not call my parents. I would even lie to my only true support system, my grandparents, because I was afraid I would lose the one place I truly felt safe. I bet foster kids who trust you and feel safe around you but still choose to lie, do so out of this exact fear. I encourage parents and foster parents to never get mad at a kid for lying and to avoid punishing them for lying or the thing lied about. Instead help them figure out how to avoid/solve whatever the original issue was so they have one less reason to lie in the future.
How would you handle a situation where the child has memory issues? When I was a kid, my emotional trauma caused me to have blank patches, so a lot of the time I genuinely wouldn’t remember how something happened. I would get accused of saying/doing things, and then accused of lying about not knowing what people were talking about. I got a reputation for lying at school, and then adults wouldn’t believe me when I told them about my abuse.
It got to the point where I still don’t know how many times I honestly forgot something, and how many times other kids were just lying to get me in trouble. And I still have a visceral fear of forgetting details of events, to the point that I obsess over them today.
This sounds hard as hell dude, I hope things are getting better for you
@@sarah.s.flanagan Thanks❤️ I’m doing a lot better these days! It’s taken a lot of effort (and the privilege of therapy & some medication), but I’m in a better place now than I’ve ever been.
The past is still disorienting in a lot of ways, bc those memories just never encoded properly. So I won’t ever know what really happened in the blank spots. But I’m able to trust myself NOW, and that makes a LOT of difference.
I think it needs to be said that foster children were in almost all cases living lies. Their families were often trying to stay one step ahead of child social services. These parents encourage and teach their children not to tell the truth and it’s a very scary unknown world to a child that enters foster care and are all of the sudden supposed to be truthful some children have such a distorted knowledge of where the truth begins that it requires them to learn a whole new set of rules. I once had a child that lied about absolutely everything even about what was served for lunch at school. She later explained to me that she wasn’t really sure what everyone was asking her to do when asked to tell the truth. Remember most foster children are not acting out they are simply doing what has been their normalcy. We as foster parents need to be very vigilant in being very honest about everything we say to the children by not being vague or making promises about things that may or may not happen and demand that social workers and therapist also do not give wishy washy information, for example do not tell a child that their mother is working on getting better when in reality they are still in the park buying drugs. Honesty is painful and hard to live with but the children learn with time it’s easier then trying to keep track of every lie that is told to cover up chaos. We should never punish children for something they have never learned is wrong. Our moral compass can only become their own when we lovingly show them day to day that the truth is ok.
Thank you for this. My parents had close calls with social workers, doctors, police, etc. but my parents always told me to trust no one especially at school. Now I’m in my late teens and everytime someone in authority talks to me seriously I get really stressed and often times when I have any sort of serious conversation I either lie, deflect, or stay quiet. This made me struggle in my teen years as I felt I had no one to talk to about my family and I fell into a deep depression for a while. It’s so good to see people showing that honesty can be rewarding and freeing, not stressful or scary ❤️
Katie thank you for sharing that. Remember you are relearning everything that was taught to you. It’s ok not to be sure where your moral compass even is. Be open to tell anyone of authority that you are not even sure what truth is because “truth” was adapted to whatever was needed at that moment. Truth and trust go hand in hand. Do not be hard with yourself ask for help in exploring truth give yourself little goals like always telling what you had for lunch. It sounds silly but by starting with this little task our foster daughter was able to learn to grasp reality and what truth really was. I wish you nothing but success!
@@Jane-xu5ul thank you so much Jane! I’m doing better now and getting away from my parents bit by bit. I hope one day to be a foster mom and a sports coach so I can be the person I needed when I was younger. ❤️
I'm so glad you wrote this. I found in my years in social services this is the number one reason why children in care lie. Their is always fear behind it in every case...or down right survival. I wish every state would make this video and your response a teaching tool for case managers and foster parents!
@@deanna5443 Thank you for sharing this with me. I am a foster mum that also works in social services. I know how being on both sides of the table can be. I often seen foster parents just angry about the lying and never thought that the children are so brainwashed they do not understand what truth is. This subject is always apart of our foster parents classes. And it should be a part of every fostering class.
i lied as a child a lot. i'm from strict orthodox christian family and i was scared of my father to the point of fainting. literally fainting. at the same time i loved him so much i was afraid to disappoint him even more than of his anger. so i lied just of literal horror, i know it'sa strong word, but that exactly how i felt. also i was a little neglected, so i lied to people because i didn't know how else i could get their sympathy and affection. and then i cried for hours because i was terrified that i'm going to burn in hell for lying. i was 6-9 yo. now as an adult i understand how messed up that was...
if a kid is lying it doesn't mean they are "bad", there may be no ill intention behind that and they may just need help. When i grew up a little and became more confident in my safety i stopped lying completely.
I'm only 21 and not yet in a position where I could foster, but it has always been my dream to. Your content is always interesting, insightful and helpful! Thank you for all the advice and perspective you give
Congratulations on your fantastic fundraising effort for St Jude.
I used to lie because I just so desperately wanted what I was saying to be true, a combo of pressure to answer quickly and ‘correctly’, fear of failure rejection or punishment, and also sometimes I was just impulsive and rushing and didn’t give myself time to remember the real story. It really helped me to get given a non-judgemental second chance to say what ‘really’ happened.
And yeh undiagnosed adhd
When two of my favorites come together!! Magic!!🎉🎉
I needed this when I was a kid going through this. Unfortunately I did not get this enough. I hope to do this for a child one day
I lied to keep myself safe. I was scared of punishment. When I was a child, the people I lived with pretended they would burn me alive, even carried me to an oven to stuff me inside and I screamed my lungs out and struggled, thinking I was going to die. In short I was punished a lot. So I lied a lot, because I was scared of consequences, because I felt like I'm going to be k*lled.
Even today as an adult when I make a mistake, I still think I should be k*lled for it. It became part of my inner workings. I'm not doing anything though, it's just in my head and stays there.
I'm not lying much anymore. I stopped when I was in safer environments.
Just good parenting advice in general! I always say when a child can't get a need met directly, they get it met indirectly - through unacceptable behavior. The job, then, is to figure out what they need, and find acceptable means to get that need met directly.
They glossed over it a bit, but the top tip was not asking questions you already have the answer to. You're effectively asking the kids to lie to you. This applies to all parenting, not just foster parenting.
Good one to watch is Brian Post. He's a clinical psychologist who was in foster care who talks on this exact topic.
One thing he said that always stuck with me. If a child who has experienced significant trauma from other people lies to you imagine this: You take a cookie. You are eating it and then the person who owns the cookie comes around the corner and asks, "Are you eating my cookie?" You look at them and see they have a gun in their hand. What do you do? You lie like crazy. Of course you're not eating their cookie!
This is effectively what a child's brain does when caught doing something they shouldn't. They have to lie or they will die. That's what their brain is telling them.
With this in mind, when a child lies to you and they have this kind of reaction you want to alleviate their fear. "We're ok. I'm not angry with you." It's a good idea if they are very fearful to walk away for a bit. This gives them a chance for their fear to reduce and also for them to get a little guilty. It's a normal reaction and it helps them to stop lying. When they come back you talk to them about it very calmly and reassure them that you still care for them. My boy still lies but he comes back 2 minutes later to tell me he was lying. I thank him for telling me and remind him that he knows I don't get angry with him. (This is a boy I can never raise my voice with)
(This is different to lying about getting a good grade to get praise)
I mean, I remember when I was 4 and the teachers at my preschool blamed me for something, didn't believe me when I said I didn't, and branded me a liar 🥺
That was one thing I was wondering about!
Our neighbours had three foster children (the younger two were my friends) and the youngest was a compulsive liar.
While she didn't do it intentionally (my mom said from her appearance she likely had fetal alcohol syndrom which can explain a lot of her behavioral issues) it was a big strain on the family and I think the reason they quit fostering.
I think a big part for her was that she had never learned healthy ways to get attention
She was later taken out of the family because she claimed to have been physically abused (so many details of what she told were proven wrong, inconsistent or had evidence against them that this was very likely also a lie)
When your punished for the truth, and they only believed the lies..
I think this may apply to some adults that were abused as children also
Dear (potential) foster parent,
I'm coming to you to ask you to take on a tremendous responsibility. I'm asking you to take into your home, into your private space, and into your heart, a child who belongs to someone else.
This child is not the bright shiny being portrayed in Lifetime movies or television commercials. This child has been hurt, and wounded, neglected, and injured. They have been injured deep in their soul - and while we hope those wounds will heal - there will always be scars.
This makes the child act in ways you might not understand. They may stand toe to toe with you and yell they don't love you. But please know - they can't love you - loving got them abused in some way shape or form.
They may leave a mess in their room - they may need repeated lessons in how to clean. Showing them once or twice is not going to undo the years of their life not knowing. You may find yourself building a relationship with them as you help them pick up their legos or picking up their dolls.
They may not be grateful. I struggle with this one. I don't see why they should be grateful because we removed everything they knew and placed them in a home full of strangers. I don't understand why gratitude for a life of trauma and uncertainty is expected. Yes, you've given them a roof, and a hot meal, and they won't have to worry about being backhanded -or worse. But they also don't get to see their mother, father, possibly siblings, or their dog. They also don't know where home is. They just know this is not their home.
They may lie. Please, please please do not ever tell a child (or that child's caseworker) that the one thing you cannot and will not tolerate is a lie.
These children have lied to save their life.
The one thing you are saying is not acceptable - may very well be the one thing that meant they didn't go to bed with a black eye.
The one thing you cannot tolerate, may be the one thing that meant they didn't have to go to bed without dinner for waking up an inebriated parent.
That one thing you find unacceptable - is made of the hardest substance - the strongest steel - the deepest hole they can find to protect their tender hearts so used to pain.
Yes - they have to learn to not lie - but please understand where the lie is coming from.
They know you want them to tell you the truth - but truth is scary when your world is colored with trauma.
It may be - the one time they told the truth - they found someone like me taking them from their home and placing them in your home. Please understand - your ideal of truth is darkly stained by trauma induced tears.
Please see the child that is in there. The child who won't stop talking is exploring the world through language and developing curiosity that may help them to be a scientist, or teacher, or social worker.
The child who insists they are right about things - and challenge every morsel of information you give - may turn out to be a lawyer.
The child who is so empathetic it almost hurts to watch them take care of their siblings, or their dolls may become a doctor.
What annoying behaviors are actually skills are we seeing that may be the very thing that they will need to get them through life?
Dear (Potential) foster parent - I need you to take care of this precious child. To teach them, to guide them, to protect them in a way that they understand is protection. I need you to see them - and see their trauma. This child may return home - or may wind up being adopted (by you, or others). Please return this child better than you found them - please don't add to their trauma. Some things can't be helped - I know that. But please help the things you can.
And I'll be there - to talk - to cry - to love them with you. If we have to talk 5 nights a week about the homework completed the day before but not turned in and the lie about it - then we will talk 5 nights a week. If we need to find a different therapist then we will find a different therapist. I will sit at your kitchen table and you can tell me how much your heart hurts because this child who you have grown to love doesn't love you.
I know this is hard - but they need you. I need you. Please take this child I'm offering you - and I will do my best to ensure that you have the things you need.
A very tired, heart worn caseworker.
Sometimes kids are not lying. Sometimes they are telling the truth about professionals who are guilty of gross misconduct e.g, a psycologist carrying out an assesment whilst so stoned he was barely awake. The room was dark, curtains pulled. As soon as the door opened a thick cloud of very strong smelling cannibis smoke rolled out.
When a child has to keep their parent's secrets - they are being taught to lie. Untangling that thread is complicated
Kids who lie are very often beaten. So they lie to try to avoid that. True story.
When I become a foster parent, I’m going to teach my kids to never violate someone’s trust, UNLESS their health and/or safety is at risk. For example, if a friend is struggling with an eating disorder and asks my child not to tell anyone. I’ll also tell them they may not always be liked for doing the right thing, but doing the right thing is more important.
I think it's important in that case to be up front about what you can keep in confidence and what you can't. And also to stress that if someone is doing something self-destructive, or someone is harming the person, you need to get others involved so that you and they can be part of the solution, not the problem. And offer to be a support person while the person who is being harmed talks to others (doctor, therapist, social worker) about it to get help. Its better if the request for help comes straight from the person being harmed instead of a third party.
My 48 year old brother has issues with lying constantly still because of what his dad did to him 😔 this is so important
I'm 23 and would like to be a foster parent. But I have also autism, so I don't know if I can be one. I've been watching your channel and saw a lot of good information however I live in Europe, so things can be different.
I'd also add that you should be careful to get the facts (as best you can) before assuming that the child has lied (or that the child is now telling the truth). A child who is coaxed/guilted into admitting something they didn't do (even if the person coaxing them is well-meaning) can wind up getting into a behavior pattern of lying in a different way -- and then it seems like the adults have the Right Answer in mind and the child has no option but to play along.
Don’t children lie for the same reasons adults do, for the same reasons we all do? Lying creates “another reality,” a protection. Lying is comforting, it’s self-soothing, it braces against rhe “harsh reality of life,”. it bides us time, it attempts to shield us falsely and to create a fantasy world where everything is “better” and “different.” With as much as adults lie, it seems strange not to understand childhood lies. It’s the same thing. At all stages of life, we lie to ourselves and to others.
Not necessarily. Children might lie because the punishment is so disproportionate to the infraction then lying is the best way. Alternatively the people they were around wanted them to lie for them.
Adults lie to others sometimes to make them feel better about something or to hide something they've done.
Thank you I needed 😢 this much. Thank you
I saw this on Foster The Teens’ channel when it came out and I never actually followed Laura until she came onto my UA-cam radar and now I feel bad 🙃
omgoodness this is so helpful
Excellent
one day I know that I will be a great foster mum
Hi guys what about when the lies turn into false allegations of a reportable nature?
Unfortunately that's why they put cameras in the rooms where kids report abuse.
Awesome
Quick question…do you recommend being a foster parent when you and your spouse both work full time? I’d love to do more for my community but I don’t know if that’s a realistic option and I don’t want to be a failure for any child that’s under my care.
I was a single mom for about 9 years, and my father took care of my children while I worked, so they would be with family and not in daycare. If something had happened to me and my dad (illness or accident) that would cause them to temporarily go into foster care I would absolutely not want them placed with a family who would just send them off to a facility to be cared for by strangers 8+ hours a day. That would break my heart and be unbearable. I know people can work full time and still foster. My best friend is a single working mother, and she is fostering two little boys right now. That being said, depending on the trauma and issues the child/children are experiencing, I can't imagine being able to support and care for them in the way they need when you only see them for 30 mins in the morning before drop off and maybe 2 hours at night before bed. This would apply to children who are too young for school. With school-aged children, if you can be present before and after school (not placing them in after school care or forcing them to be latch key kids from 3pm to 6pm), then I don't see it being an issue.
@@Milkymommy09 In my opinion, that goes for all families.
My child ODD. I like the praise after
Your child has ODD. Your child is not ODD. Reducing your child to their disorder is horrible. Wording matters.
Does Brittany have a channel?
I realise foster children are coming from very dysfunctional and sometimes toxic situations. But, lying for children when they get to a certain age is a sign of normal and healthy development.
You should actually be more concerned if your child never lies. They actually have psychological problems that need addressing.
This is talking about children that almost consistently lie. This isn't talking about normal lying behavior. Also most people don't just lie a lot.
Our last foster daughter lied constantly and ended up being diagnosed as a sociopath. Our saving grace was that she was relatively low IQ and her lies were almost always easily dispelled by teachers, therapists, police officers, etc. If she had been a high IQ sociopath she would have wrecked our family. My favorite lie she told her teacher was when she told her she didn't get any sleep last night because there was a drive by shooting at our house the previous night. The teacher knew exactly where we lived (a guard gated high end community), so she thought it was hilarious, but even that seamly harmless lie caused lots of paperwork and meetings to determine that there had not been a drive by shooting at our house. She ended up aging out and moving on, but we have switched to an only boy household for a while because of that experience. We'll take suppressed emotions and violent outbursts any day of the week over a sociopathic girl.
or theyre pathological liars, which is also valid
Pathological lying always starts somewhere. Even if it continues past the initial trigger(s), the fact is that it doesn't come from absolutely nowhere. Address the needs, and the lying will go down. Might take some time due to factors like trust, but it will.
“Pathological” is a loaded term that implies judgment. It can label kids when it is 99.9% a learned survival behavior. It’s better to not even think that term.
@@mysty_nyx exactly! Well said (coming from someone with a special interest in psychology)