Well, as I went home on Monday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a horse outside the door where my old horse should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her, "Will you kindly tell to me"
"Who owns that horse outside the door where my old horse should be?"
“Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk
You silly old fool, surely, can’t you see?
That's a lovely sow that me mother sent to me”
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a sow, I have never seen before
And as I went home on Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a coat behind the door where my old coat should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her, "Will you kindly tell to me"
"Who owns that coat behind the door where my old coat should be?"
“Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk
You silly old fool, still you can not see
That's a woollen blanket that me mother sent to me”
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a blanket with the buttons, I have never seen before
And as I went home on Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a pipe upon the chair where my old pipe should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her, "Will you kindly tell to me"
"Who owns that pipe upon the chair where my old pipe should be?"
“Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk
You silly old fool, still you can not see
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me”
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But tobacco in a tin whistle, I have never seen before
And as I went home on Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her, "Will you kindly tell to me"
"Who owns them boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be?"
“Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk
You silly old fool, still you can not see
They're two lovely Geranium pots me mother sent to me”
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But Geranium pots with the laces on, I’ve never seen before
And as I went home on Friday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a head upon the bed where my old head should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her, "Will you kindly tell to me"
"Who owns that head upon the bed where my old head should be?"
“Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk
You silly old fool, still you can not see
That's a baby boy that me mother sent to me”
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a baby boy with his whiskers on, I’ve never seen before
And as I went home on Saturday night as drunk as drunk could beI saw two hands upon her breasts where my old hands should beWell, I called me wife and I said to her: “Will you kindly tell to meWho owns them hands upon your breasts, where my old hands should be?”
“Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk
You silly old fool, still you can not seeThat’s a lovely nightie gown me mother sent to me”Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But a nightie gown with the fingers on, I’ve never seen before
As I went home on Sunday night as drunk as drunk could beI saw a thing inside her mouth where my old thing should beWell, I called me wife and I said to her: “Will you kindly tell to meWho owns that thing inside your mouth, where my old thing should be?”
“Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk
You silly old fool, still you can not seeThat’s a lovely candy cane me mother sent to me!”Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or moreBut pubic hair on a candy cane, I’ve never seen before