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I had exactly this case, high conflict BPD mom, but my psychotherapist tells that she is more like a sociopath, not BPD. She disregards everyone and has to get her way at any cost. In my case very helpful was that she started to attack decision makers, verbally and by writing complains about involved CSP workers and the judge. Over 2 years in and nobody listens to her any more.

Thanks for spreading awareness! In my opinion it is bad, but dos not get worse, it slowly improves. 20 or 30 yeas ago child always stayed with mom by default, the only exception when child stayed with father was if mom was dead, had severe alcoholism, homeless etc. Nowadays 50/50% time share, or primary custody to fathers gets more and more often. And courts do whatever possible so that both parents are in child's life at least in some capacity. I am listening to many channels, because I am dealing with it myself as a father. 5 to 10 years ago that mee too movement, made it easier to make false allegations against and put behind bards any men, including fathers. But Amber turd somewhat mitigated it and "Believe everything a women seas, without questioning" is fading away. Parental alienation can be used against other parent, by both genders. To teach the child hate other parent for no reason. That increases chances for abusive parent (who teaches the child to hate other parent) get full custody. It is a very effective method, to exclude other parnet. No court orders can help it if child is thought that he has one good parrent and one bad parent who has be avoided at all cost. It is way easier to brainwash 5 or 10 year old child that the other parnet is bad and abusive, that it is to prove the same in court. Both parents can start to do it, but the one who will start first or spends more time with the child will probably succeed. Once the child is brainwashed, child will look for evidence that his believes are true, and disregard or misinterprets evidence that proves the opposite. And these cult like beliefs will not end when child becomes 18, it can be that he never will figure out that he was brainwashed.

Wow,seems to be incredibly rare for someone with BPD to recognize their illness and the fact that it would impact their child. Respect to that mom is deserved

Wonderful video 100% the mom acknowledging she has a challenge and is interested in doing what is best for her child is really amazing.

Is the most evil a parent can do I been crying for 2 years about it !

THIS IS SO ACCURATE. Borderlines can a see the problem they are having, but they have no ability to implement change to the behaviors that are self destructive!!!!

Thank you so much for your videos. They are valuable and I am glad you feel better. I have been accused of sex trafficking, human trafficking, having over 50 financial accounts all over the world, drug illicit trade (and usage) and prostitution. Obviously, all false and fabricated allegations after been threatened of being destroyed. He is constantly telling the kids that I am a criminal who is going to jail soon.

I have borderline and am wondering if I should just give my soon to be ex husband full custody for the well being of my daughter. I don’t want her to grow up scared of me and my instability is not a good example for her

This happened to me. She used our son as a weapon to hurt me. Thankfully, the judge seen the value in having equal time with each parent.

It’s hard for people to acknowledge that they have been in denial cos it’s too painful to accept

51 quiet BPD here. Diagnosed with BPD/substance disorder at age 30 and at that time anyone around me for a few days could tell I was not right. Now, I have friends for 15 years who refuse to believe I have BPD and think I'm a swell person lol. If they could hear my ruminating thoughts for 10 seconds, they would know. I hurt myself now, not others.

100% it is some kind of dual personality we are dealing with. A lot of times one personality would say something and the 2nd personality would be confused when confronted with it, so theyll gaslit.

I have had the worst experience with family court! You wouldn’t believe me if I told you my story. 😮

Will you please write a book on this subject?! More importantly how to NOT enable their behavior. What I've noticed is that out of exhaustion men will "give in" to shut down the overbearing behavior, which it does for a time, but it doesn't solve anything. Not only does it not solve anything, but it seems like it actually rewards the bad behavior and they continue to escalate next time to get what they want. The rules don't apply to them. It's like dealing with a child. Anyway, you appear to understand it so well and I would love it if you had some material. Thanks for your content!

I couldn't agree more. I complained to the court after my ex cut me off from my children. She even told me to prepare for it months in advance. At my six and a half minute contempt hearing the Judge, having had to contend with this same issue several times previously, became frustrated and told me "I just don't have time for this case". I knew that was it. I wasn't going to get anywhere. The last time I saw or had contact with my three kids was in early October, 2010 when my ex lined them up on her couch and forced each one to tell me that they didn't love me and never wanted to see me again. My daughter was eight and my sons were 10 and 12. It was the worst tragedy of my life. It has haunted me every single day since...

But even trying to force them to take accountability, that part of them was only trying to protect them from something. Now you are effectively shaming that part. Instead of looking at it as “a part of them was doing this behaviour “ then it gives you the opportunity to have that person go and talk to that part using IFS and try to directly find out why it is doing that and then actually LISTEN to that specific part. Then you may find it will share its “secret history “ (as Dick Schwartz says) and from a compassionate, self led stance. Then it allows the person to help heal this part and once healed, it can now just relax and play, or even take on a role as a cheerleader

FINALLY - Someone has said online what I’ve been saying for years! DBT, CBT etc, only want BPD sufferers to manage our emotions and learn skills to tamp down the excruciating pain we feel inside on a daily basis. And when we don’t get better, they say we aren’t trying hard enough. Or we just need to take more meds. Ive only just started Internal Family Systems therapy and I have healed more issues in 10 sessions of IFS therapy, than i ever did in the past 40 years of intermittent talk therapy. IFS is a game changer. And best of all - I can do some of the parts work on my own!

Scott is dropping truth bombs here. I am a prime example of this being weaponized in my own custody case

Different perspective: im the BPD mother sharing custody. Im here because i like to see the other perspective to try and understand and behave accordingly (this is a me trait not my BPD side so I can't see the otherside during my drastic lows or highs which thankfully is mainly under control due to medication. I would not expect all BPD sufferers to want to see and understand the viewpoint of those who are stuck getting hit with BPD sufferers' issues). Ive known my ex for 15 years. Our custody arrangements is my ex gets our daughter on his days off work. - my BPD arose from extreme childhood trauma so i struggle with flashbacks - my trigger identified by my psychiatrist (he helps me through CBT has helped identify my ex's mum as a trigger. I stay away from her now which has made a big difference) - initially so around 13 years ago i was too scared to let our daughter go away from me. We worked through this by taking small steps over a few months so i rectified this - we dont badmouth eachother to others, we have always kept it private, but i do fall to the place of genuinely believing ex is trying to hurt me as he stops communicating (he admits he cant communicate and i need boundaries and he doesn't express boundaries so we argue via messages rather than in person, im a lot better since i got medicated). We were texting as social chatting absolutely fine yesterday and this morning as he communicated and set boundaries so we both felt more secure, and we were able to support eachother. - ive never taken our daughter to different places as in ran away, and if im taking her away for a few days i will give ex plenty of notice. I do however struggle when ex doesnt follow custody times because he forgets, despite me agreeing fully to his custody time requests. At this point i do get afraid of our daughter not coming back and i fight through the fear of letting her go again incase it keeps happening. This takes a few days to work through and i really hate it and feel like crap during. - i do my best not to let my bpd affect our daughter, i will let ex know if im struggling with my emotions before i get too low so we can reduce the impact on our daughter. My emotions are expressed through messages so our daughter cant hear. This does however also inpacts my epilepsy which is stress triggered which our daughter does know happens. Our daughter is well cared for by both parents despite our differences and we do what we can to keep her safe and happy. - i cry a lot sometimes when my daughter goes to school, not from abandonment etc but because im not sure im doing enough (ex says i am). At this point i will go through a mental checklist of what my daughter nay need to stay happy and go on a spending spree for things she doesnt necessarily need. Due to this she never asks for Christmas and birthday gifts as shes got everything se needs. Ex has made clear that i dont need to spend money to show my love. This part is tough to work through. Im aware there are different levels of BPD sufferers so this isnt defending all BPD sufferers. BPD is absolutely horrible to experience, feels crap hurting others, feels crap hurting yourself. Feels crap during the too scared to go outside phases knowing there are memories im missing so need to pass the batton to my ex during those phases so his parenting isnt restricted during ad so our daughter isnt also stuck inside during. Its insanely difficult for the exs of BPD sufferers but its also ridiculously difficult for he BPD sufferers. Personally i think my drive to see the otherside helps dampen the extremeness that could affect custody arrangements.

So basically SPD is a symptom right? Since its not ICD/DSM coded. I wonder how they were able to be reimbursed. 🤔 meh, a rabbit hole not worth pursuing. HCBM has all the 'insert problem of the day' professionals playing pseudo parent roles. It's strange and sad to witness.

Ya, I heard some connection with occupational therapy, but I dismissed it. Sounded like one of those things with a kernel of truth blown out of proportion

Well what is the good reason...drugs, runaway...

I had a session for EMDR, and I was a mess. The hour ran out and the therapists did not know what to do with me. I was bawling at the desk while trying to book the next session and I could hardly function. My therapist walked me out but, I was not right. I went to my car and had to calm myself down and I do not remember driving home. I have known about parts therapy for a long time. I studied hypnotherapy and we went into it there. It is no different to soul retrieval and other shamanic work. It is not new, but I am glad it has been brought into the mainstream and is helping people.

I think the prognosis for BPD is much worse for males with a history of substance use, antisocial behaviors, and aggressive tendencies. I think I read that treatment can be more complex and there is a high probability of intense reversals.

The courts do not stop parental alienation. They encourage it to maximize Title 4-d and Title 4-e funding. Family court corruption is rampant.

Thank you for talking about this! Not enough professionals take it seriously just what happens when you're the child of someone with BPD. I was definitely more the anxiety-addiction kid; things that I could control were also taken from me-including my bedroom door before I was out of grade school. Question: what advice would you give to the low conflict parent who mirrors their BPD partner's techniques when the BPD parent is absent or has stormed off in a rage? That happened to kid-me almost as frequently as hearing, "She's harder on herself than she is on you."

Nice video, agree with everything your saying

Subscribed straight away. You are great bro. And yes, IFS is the business - for most stuff prob.

My brother s married to a woman who has completely brainwashed him and is ruining his life! I’m desperate to help him but he’s terrified of her and doesn’t even realize the hold she has on him!

Your commentary of borderlines being easily overwhelmed and exhausted to be part of the reason for low effort seems right. I think the other reason is related to experience. If you are constantly disappointed, distrust others and have unmet needs, you’re unlikely to delay gratification as you don’t trust the future or the circumstances to give a return on your investment. There’s also the identity disturbance of borderlines. We sometimes lose sight of who we are, making situations that were certain seem uncertain. Confidence disappears and fear/anxiety rule. Fears of failing, embarrassment and then fear of rejection/abandonment appear on the horizon. Anyone who knows borderlines knows that once where in this territory, bad things are soon to follow. The outcome of that reinforces the idea that when I try, it doesn’t work and results in self-destructive behaviors. So when you ask the borderline to do something, if it doesn’t click immediately, this cycle is a risk factor. Personally, I think borderlines require reparenting in a daily assisted living situation where their work/plan/goaks/strategies are worked on with others. I think borderlines need excessive support to withstand a their emotions, and the difficulty of the external world . This requires lots of exposure with support. This used to be done in families but the quality of that declined a very long time ago with so many other things

"borderline" child abuse. No pun intended I'm sure. Lol.

How does one do shadow work? Is there any resource to look into? Any recommendations?

I found you via Quora. Just subscribed to your podcast. I'll be interested in learning more as I overcame my depression through brain rewiring. it was a 10 week program and by week six I was completely depression free. The program was through Dr. Caroline Leaf and one of her facilitators (coaches). I am an evangelist for this program!! I was trying to find your masculinity podcast for my husband. I saw a comment that you had wrote regarding Feminine communication on Quora. (excellent btw). If I may ask, do you have a link for your Healing our Masculinity Spotify channel to share with my husband? Thank you for being here.

I was being gaslighted by the judge when it was contempt from the mother side. They started modifying the custody schedule and when asked about the evidence i submitted, the judge was ignoring everything to stall and prolong the case. I had enough courage to terminate my rights and was allowed to do so even though nothing was filed. It was a complete mockery of what the statutes and case law claimed but because i was pro se, my voice didnt matter. I wasn't emotional, irrational or failing in any area people may claim to justify the Judges actions. I have sons who mother believes it's best for someone other than their father to raise our son and did enough to where our relationship is destroyed. I must applaud myself on the fine choice i made with selecting a mother to have my children.

Because there's too much money in the family courts

Thank you for your insights on EMDR and DBT, very helpful for me as I'm seeking therapy and trying to pick the right treatment for myself without doing more damage to myself.

I don't want to talk to her. I love my child but I don't any interaction with her. I l will give her total custody just to not hear from her

The amount of trauma I have from a sibling with borderline personality disorder is immense. They controlled the entire family. I was constantly manipulated, blackmailed, bullied, abused emotionally, physically, mentally, socially. Whatever they wanted they got, my feelings didn’t matter, the rest of the families feelings didn’t matter, they did whatever they wanted without remorse or CONSEQUENCES. When they were upset NO ONE could be happy everyone had to feel pain on their level.

This is spot on advice. BPD people sometimes make outlandish yet specific accusations. For a long time I thought this was odd and exaggeration. Now I understand that BPDs do not really mentally process their bad actions. They themselves have a dissociation and it's "someone else" (another fragment) that has done these bad actions. When you confront a person who actually has BPD with their bad deeds or anything they don't like, there is that pause/glitch moment when they are experiencing dissociation. I've seen it personally and it's odd and disconcerting to the normie person. I myself have seen the wild accusations go downhill and accelerate if simple denial is used. I agree that the batting the accusation back is a good tactic. Another tactic is to repeatedly pin them down on specifics. Unlike most people when they actually have been wronged and remember well what they accuse another of. The BPD will get more and more vague and unsure. Their memory of these things they accuse others are hollywood prop sets they just do not have any depth to them. I think this is something intrinsic to Cluster B people is that they have memories that they give a life to via words that if they were to examine them in detail would not stand up to the scrutiny. Internally there are many voices and memories that are solely 2 dimensional phantoms that they vocalize and act off of that ARE NOT objective reality. And then when you probe or inquire deeper the response is the child like defense of BPD rage. It's a very strange condition.

You are the best "guru" 😄 on borderline I have ever heard on the Internet. I have said that for many a guru 😂 but you ARE the best so far, and thanks to your friend with bpd who resolved it and figured it out! Thank you and her!

Great! In my bpd language (like you said in one video - we speak a different language, but you'll understand this) They want something FROM you, they don't want YOU. Plus, must not be better, prettier, attract more attention in the room. You must DO the work for which they will reap the credit and benefits and/or give them ideas/advice they will put out as their own, to celebrate themselves. It's boring & tiring. Not poetic nor lovely. I get tired of that, except when I fall deeply in love with a narc. Then it's me&you (for me; for him it's me&you doing things for me, performing)

One of my boyfriends used to say: "Assume makes an 'Ass' out of 'u' and 'me'" = Ass+u+me" 😃 One other time, he asked me, perplexed: "How, just HOW, can you turn everyrhing in a worst case scenario?" How can THIS be bad? He made me a game: "I'll give you a sentence and give me, off the top of your head, your sentence, first that pops into your head, why you think this is not good." And he said something basic like "the grass is green" . And I had it immediately, since we couldn't meet that day because he had car problems, I said, right away, something in the vein of, you'd rather go on some meadow and enjoy the day without me than go fix your car 😂 🤣or smth like that, and since it was a game and I had to give an answer quickly, we both laughed. I was diagnosed with bpd much later, I tough I had generalized anxiety and depression for the longest time

You're a genious.

You're a good man. You get it 🥲

I watched a friend of mine burn through all of the equity in their home arguing over the house and the child support for the 4 years remaining of their daughter’s childhood. Attorneys charge $500 an hour. Unless you have an insanely high income, you will spend more on attorneys fighting for child support than the actual cumulative amount you get. It’s a hard pill to swallow but I’m so glad I followed the advice that unfortunately my friend did not: Settle for half and walk away with some dignity. If you don’t get the schedule you want, remember that quality time is better than quantity time and the battle is not worth it. The only winners in family court are the attorneys.

Thanks for posting!

If you are being manipulated, the intent of the person manipulating you doesn't change that.

"Hell is the impossibility of reason"

My wife left two months ago I think she is bpd and is in psychosis I’m trying to reconcile but it’s like pulling teeth to get her to contact her daughter or have anything to do with her

BPD people perceive any difficulty or challenge or problem or difference of opinion with their ex-partner as a threat to their identity and their survival, an assault on their core being. They immediately go into fight mode, often closely followed by RAGE mode, and then there can not be any logical reasonable or rational thought. In a fight to stay alive mindset, all bets are off, there are no rules, there are no limits, ANYTHING GOES!!!! In their mind, they are fighting for the very survival of them and their children. They are often in an unhealthy enmeshed relationship with their children, they often hate their children but at the same time are 100% dependant on them for validation and their emotional survival, they depend on the children because they know that the children are not able to abandon them. They NEED to keep the children with them at all times. Any attempt by the ex-partner to solve a problem or disagreement is never a discussion, it is a declaration of war. And god help you if you are up against a high functioning BPD who is aware that how they are perceived by others is important, they are INCREDIBLY manipulative and skilled at covering their true intentions and can deceive almost everybody that they are victims of Domestic Violence and abuse and that their actions are fully justified to protect the children. They have zero ability to be accountable for their actions, it is always the fault of somebody else.